Never Surrender

Esme's POV

As we drove home, I contemplated the things I had to say. Carlisle knew I didn't blame him for taking Dale's life; nevertheless, he blamed himself. I had to help him, but it was going to hurt us both. My phone vibrated.

"BE CAREFUL!" Alice texted me. My mind was made up. I just hoped Carlisle would forgive me. Before I knew it, he opened my door– the perfect gentleman as always. I stepped out of the car with nothing but a murmured "Thank you". We walked side by side as far as the living room. Then, I stepped in front of Carlisle, my hands in my pockets.

"When you tape a few pieces of a paper back together, it is still torn. You have to recycle it to get a fresh page with no tears. Sometimes, in life, we have to start over from scratch to rebuild ourselves," I said, staring into his eyes. I pulled my hands out of my pockets, and brought them behind my back, all the while holding his gaze. It had been a long time since I had caused myself to feel the sting of a good, sharp blade. I made a long, diagonal slash over the top of my forearm.

Carlisle's face contorted in shock and pain. Slowly, I brought my arms out in front of me. His eyes went to the wound immediately. He moved to take hold of my arm, and I backed away. I watched the pain take over his expression.

"Why?" he asked weakly. I said nothing. He stepped forward again. This time, I didn't move. "You've done this before, haven't you?"

I nodded slowly, deciding it was time to tell a little more of my past. "Proving to you how strong you are is more important than keeping up my clean record. I started cutting at the age of sixteen, after my sister died. I didn't quit until Dale and I got married. This is the first time in four years," I said softly watching the pain burn through his eyes. It tore at my soul to see him in pain and know it was my fault. I felt a rush of wind as I lowered my eyes to the floor. Tears stung at my eyes. He had run away from me. Before my mind could decide what to do, he was back with alcohol swabs, gauze, bandage tape, and Neosporin.

"I would appreciate it if you would never do this again," he said, gesturing to my cut and struggling to keep his voice at a monotone. "I saw you injured once, and I will never get the image of your bruised body out of my mind. You are the sun in my sky, Esme. Your pain is like storm clouds. Seeing what that man did to you was like being struck by lightning. This is even worse."

"I won't do it again because I don't need to," I replied. Carlisle began cleaning the wound. Beneath the thin mask of horror, I saw a glimmer of peace in his expression. "When you go to the hospital, you're helping people. You're saving lives. I can see it in your eyes, even now. Some part of your mind is relaxing in there."

Carlisle's POV

I looked into her eyes, then. They stared defiantly into mine. When I had heard the blade tearing her flesh, I had wondered what she was thinking– why she would do such a thing. Now, I understood. She knew me better than I thought. Nevertheless, I was angry at her. I had thought that was impossible.

"I would be more relaxed if you were in my arms rather than bleeding from one of yours," I said brusquely. I quickly taped the gauze over her long gash. She flinched at the anger beneath my voice. At the same time, her good arm twitched upward. I let go of her arm and stepped back. My fury fled upon seeing the terror in her eyes. Some sane part of me knew her reaction was a force of habit; nevertheless, I was once again disgusted. Seven seconds had gone by.

"I'm sorry," Esme whispered. I shook my head.

"No, I shouldn't be angry," I said.

"You can be as angry with me as you like. We all get angry, sometimes," she assured me. "I quit cutting when Dale and I got married because he caught me doing it on the anniversary of my sister's death. When he saw what I was doing, he got angry." Esme pulled her shirt off. There were scars all along her stomach. She turned away from me. The scars continued onto her back. "We had a four-poster bed. He tied me to the posts at the foot of the bed after beating me until I could barely move. He said, 'Well, well, my little bitch is a masochist after all,'. He ripped my shirt off and cut me with his pocket knife." Esme pulled her shirt back on and walked to the kitchen. I could barely think around the things she had just told me. I could not fathom how anyone could be so cruel, so inhumane, so sadistic.

"The kids are here," she murmured. Behind me the front door opened. A swirl of rage entered the house. I turned to them, unable to summon the kind of rage rolling through them all. My anger had already hurt Esme once.

"We heard the last part," Edward explained through clenched teeth. I looked beyond my first son, into Jasper's eyes. Golden balls of fury promised murder for someone who was already dead.

"He is already gone," I reasoned to them all. "There is nothing more you can do to hurt him. It's best to keep our tempers in check. No one will ever hurt Esme again."

"How can you ask us to stay calm?" Emmett demanded. "How can you stay calm knowing what that sick bastard did to Esme?" I stared directly into his eyes. Whatever he saw there caused him to falter, even though I said nothing. I walked out the door, breaking into a sprint as soon as I made it off the porch. The whole world was a deep, rich red. I ran deep into the forest until I reached the small, dilapidated cottage my family and I had found soon after moving to Forks. It was nestled beautifully into a small meadow.

I stared at the cottage, feeling every compressed emotion from the last few weeks rise to the surface. My body crumpled to the ground while a piercing cry filled the sky. I had never heard such agony. It took a minute to realize the sound was coming from me.

Esme's POV

My head jerked upward when the scream reached my ears. I turned to head for the door, but Edward was standing in front me, blocking my path.

"Alice was wondering if you would like to watch a movie," he said, a little too calm. "She, Jasper, Bella, and I are going hunting in a few hours."

"I think I'll take a walk instead," I decided. Edward frowned.

"You won't find him unless you plan on swimming." His eyes dropped to the floor. "We all heard the last part of your conversation. Alice saw it in a vision. I saw it through Carlisle's thoughts. Everyone needs time to let the pent up emotion out of their system. Imagine you were the vampire, and Carlisle told you his ex-wife had beat and cut him. What would you do?"

"Destroy something," I whispered. "Let me know when he gets back, please." Edward nodded.

"By the way, you can play anytime you want," he added. I smiled, glancing at the piano. I walked over to it and sat down. If I listened closely, I could still hear Carlisle's "venting". I didn't need to hear it, though. I could feel his pain, even through the distance. Or maybe this pain was my own, and it mirrored his. Nonetheless, I held it all in. My turn to lose control would come someday. A thought occurred to me when my fingers touched to piano keys. I narrowed my eyes at Jasper. He smiled impishly.

"I wondered if you would notice," he smiled, not withdrawing his influence. I shook my head and began to play. It was annoying not to be able to feel what my mind was telling me to feel, or it would have been if Jasper weren't keeping me in a state of contentment. So, I played and waited.

Carlisle's POV

I picked myself up off the forest floor after what felt like hours. I had to go home. The trees all began to look the same as they flew by me– or rather, as I flew by them. I hardly noticed. Having Esme in my arms again was all that mattered. She was sitting at Edward's piano, playing softly, when I came through the door. Within a fraction of a second, my wish was fulfilled. I wrapped my arms around Esme. She stopped playing and met my gaze. A small laugh escaped her as she picked a single leaf out of my hair. I kissed her smiling lips earnestly. A new strength had grown within me. Esme's love was the perfect cure for my insecurity, and I never wanted that love to end.