Casey watched as Cappie sank down onto the foot of his bed with his shoulders slumped and a clearly defeated look etched across his handsome face.
" I'm sorry." He muttered as if he had no idea what else he could say. She couldn't help but notice that his eyes were glued to the broken bottle of whiskey he'd dropped moments before.
A knocking at the door caused her to turn from him sharply and she was grateful for the distraction. She didn't know what to say either and the silence between them was growing heavy and cumbersome.
" What ?" She asked as she stepped to the door and jerked it open a crack.
" I heard a crash. Is everything okay ?" Her younger brother asked, trying to peak around her to inspect for himself.
" Everything is fine, Russ. Just give us a minute. It's alright. I have this under control." She tried to
reassure him. " Just see if you can find a broom and dustpan around here somewhere."
He gave a little half-hearted chuckle as if the notion was ludicrous. " Around here ? You're serious, right ?"
" Try the pantry in the kitchen." Cappie called from behind her and she turned to glance at him. He was still sitting right where he had been, but apparently he wasn't as dazed as he seemed to be.
" Are you sure everything's alright ?" Rusty asked, again. The worry and concern were evident on his face.
" It's fine. I'm fine. He's fine. We're all good here. Just get the broom."
Then she shut the door, cutting off anymore argument from him.
Turning slowly on her heel, she brought her attention back to the man that at one time had meant everything to her. If she was honest with herself, and she rarely was, he still meant that much to her. He just wasn't supposed to anymore.
" What happens now ?" His voice cracked as if his throat had gone completely dry.
She came to him hesitantly and sat at his side. Her hand went behind him and she rested it on the mattress there, wanting so badly to wrap it around his shoulder, but not sure how he would take the gesture. He looked so lost and terrified and still his gaze was attached to the damn bottle on the floor.
" Look at me." She told him, but he ignored her and continued to stare. Finally she sat up and grabbed his chin, jerking his eyes away from the source of his problem and putting them on her instead. " You know there is a problem now. That's the first step." She told him, keeping her voice soft, yet firm.
" Okay, what's the next step ?" He asked. He was searching her face as if he could find all the answers he needed there. But it was impossible. She didn't have all the answers for him. She was going strictly on instinct and she just prayed that her gut wasn't wrong.
" Next," She sighed heavily. " You have to stop."
" Stop ?" He asked, " Stop what ?"
" Drinking, Cap. You have to quit drinking." She answered resisting the urge to roll her eyes at him.
He blanched and paled, turning is attention back to the bottle on the floor. " Can't I just slow down ? Do I really have to stop completely ?"
She did roll her eyes this time. " Can you ? Be honest with yourself. Is it even possible for you to just slow down at this point ?"
He was quiet for a long while, just sitting there staring at the puddle of whiskey amassing on his hardwood floor. " No, I guess not."
" So ?" She prompted wanting to hear him say it himself, needing to know that he understood how important this whole thing really was.
" I have to quit drinking." He nodded, tearing his eyes from the floor and clenching them shut as he took a long, slow, deep breath and let it out in a rush. " I'm just not sure I know how."
" I'm here." She said, no longer caring if he liked it or not, she put her arm around him and pulled him towards her. " I'll be right here. I'll help."
He tensed at first, not comfortable with the contact between them, but then something in him broke and he sagged into her finally.
" Why would you do this ? I'm not your problem anymore." He asked, looking up at her without moving his head from her chest.
" You were never a problem, Cap. And I'm doing this because I care about you. Besides, it's not like I have anything better to do at the moment, or anywhere I need to be more." She smiled, a tight, tense smile.
" Law school." He said sitting up straight and pulling out of her arms. " You should be getting ready to start law school. Why aren't you ?"
" I told you earlier. I'm deferring for a year."
" Yeah, I heard that part. Now tell me why ?" He demanded, coming to his feet. " Tell me it isn't because of me. Because if it is, you can't just leave now. I won't be the reason you aren't going to school."
She shifted and dropped her eyes to the floor. She didn't want to lie to him. He was at least partly responsible for her not going to law school. But the alcohol had nothing to do with it. So she paused, choosing her words carefully. " Your drinking has nothing to do with why I'm not going. It's a decision I made that has nothing to do with this. In fact, I'd already decided before Evan came to see me."
He came to stand in front of her and looked down at her with a knowing gaze. " You know better than that. I may be going through something here, but you can't lie to me. You never could. There's more. What aren't you telling me ?"
She glanced up at his face, then back down at her hands which were now folded in her lap. It wasn't the right time to tell him about the baby. She wanted him to get sober and healthy for him. And finding out about the baby now would just put more pressure on him. It had to wait. She had to wait. " We can't get into it right now. We need to concentrate on getting you better. Then we can deal with all the rest." She answered evasively.
" What rest ? What is there to deal with ? Come on, Casey. If this has something to do with me, tell me now. I want to know." He insisted, coming to sit beside her.
" Let's just get through the next few days. Then we can talk about it." She tried again.
" The next few days ? You're going to stay here for the next few days ?" He asked, raising his eyebrows at her.
" I'm not leaving your side until I know you're okay." She answered.
" That's ridiculous." He shook his head. " I'll be fine. I'm not going to drink. That's all there is to it."
" Then you won't need me and that's a good thing. But I'll be right here, just in case." Her tone was firm, letting him know that arguing with her would do no good.
He huffed and stood up again. Then he started to pace restlessly. " I don't need a babysitter. I can do this. It's not a big deal."
She hadn't meant to do it. She knew he felt bad enough about the earlier incident without her drawing attention to it. Still, her eyes went to her arm. The mark was gone where his hand had been when he pushed her to the floor, but she could have sworn she still felt it.
He saw her. He noticed where her eyes went and instantly stilled in his pacing. " See. That's all the more reason for you to get away from me." He told her.
" I'm not leaving. And no it's all the more reason for you to take this seriously." She said quietly.
A knock on the door interrupted whatever argument he was about to use and she got up to answer it.
" I finally found one." Rusty told her, thrusting a well worn broom and a dustpan at her. " Have you told him ?"
" Told me what ?" Cappie demanded from over her shoulder.
" Nothing." Casey muttered in his direction as she narrowed her eyes at her brother.
" I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone. Are you sure you don't need anything ?" He mumbled and looked truly apologetic.
" Not at the moment." Then she thought about that and changed her mind. " Oh, wait. A trash bag."
" A trash bag ?" He quirked up his brow. " Why are you going on a cleaning spree now ?"
" You could say that. Just bring me one, please. And maybe some dinner in a little while. We are having a shut in."
He sighed and started to turn away. Then stopped and turned back to her. " Are you sure this is a good idea ? Are you up for going through a detox right now ?"
" I am. I know what I'm doing and I'm going to be here until this is over." She nodded her head in affirmation.
" A detox ?" Cappie asked after she'd shut the door. " I hardly think that's necessary. I'll be fine."
" So you keep saying, but all the evidence points in the other direction." She told him, placing her hands on her hips.
" I think you're making more of this than there is. I said I'll quit and I will. This doesn't have to be so dramatic." He said, pacing again.
" Cappie, why wouldn't you show me your hand ?"
" I don't see what that has to do with this." was his answer.
" Is there some reason you can't just sit down and be still ?"
He stopped then and ripped his hand through his hair in what she imagined had to be a painful move. "I think you should go." He said, in a low, dangerous voice.
" Don't even try it. You aren't going to intimidate me. It's not worth your effort." She stuck her chin out defiantly. " Now tell me where everything is."
He rolled his eyes. " I think you've already had the tour. There's the bed." He gestured towards the center of the room. Then beside him, " This is the closet. " Over there is the window. That's the chest next to it and on it's left is the desk. Oh," He smirked like a smart ass. " Don't let me forget the door that goes out, which is directly behind you. Feel free to use it any time."
Another knock announced Rusty's return with the trash bag. She opened it for little more than a moment and snatched the bag.
" No one comes up here, Russ. No one. Just bring us food every once in a while. I've got this." She told him before shutting the door without waiting for a reply.
" I still don't think this is a good idea." He shouted out before it shut completely.
She sat the broom and dustpan down and walked purposely to the center of the room where the broken bottle still lay. Then she stooped down and snatched it up, dropping it with a heavy thud into the bag. Then she turned to him.
" Where are the rest ?" She asked.
He crossed his arms over his chest and remained tight-lipped.
" I'll turn this place upside down if I have to. Now where are the fucking bottles, Cappie ?"
He stood there staring at her with hatred all over his face but refused to so much as move. His stubbornness permeated the air around him. His eyes were narrowed and his mouth set in a firm, tight line.
" Are you sure you're really ready to quit ?" She asked him, dropping the back to the floor and crossing her own arms.
" I said I am. Isn't that enough ?" He finally answered her.
" Not if you aren't going to cooperate with me. I think you're trying to get rid of me so you can get to your stash."
He glanced away quickly letting her know that she was pretty much on point in her assumption.
" Just let me handle this." He told her through tightly clenched teeth. His voice was barely more than a growl and for one terrifying, gut wrenching moment, she thought he was going to lunge at her. She had never in her life been scared of Cappie. She had never imagined in all the time she'd known him that he might hurt her. But this wasn't her Cappie in front of her. This was an alien dressed to look like the man she loved. Nothing about him seemed at all familiar.
He took a step towards her. A menacing, determined step and her heart stopped.
Then suddenly, as if realizing what he was doing, he spun around and moved to the other side of the room so quickly it startled her. " Get out of here." He spat over his shoulder. " I can do this alone. Just go away."
" Not going to happen. Now where is all the liquor ?" She reiterated.
" That's it. The one on the floor. There isn't anything else." He turned back to her with a completely new look on his face. This one was tired and solemn and resigned and she really wished she believed it.
She dropped her arms to her sides, knowing that the defensive posture wasn't gaining her any ground.
"Cap, you're hands are shaking so bad I can see them from here. You can't sit still. And I'm just barely keeping up with the mood swings. You have a problem. A real, very serious problem. You can't do this alone."
" Yes, I can." He said.
" Maybe you can." She sighed heavily. " But you don't have to. I'm right here and get it through your head, I'm not going anywhere. If you want to quit drinking, really want to quit, let me help you. It's the only way."
He stood there and she wanted to believe he was really thinking about what she was saying. She wanted to believe she was getting through to him. She felt the first stirrings of relief when he glanced down at his hand and watched it trembling for a long time. Then he shifted, dropping his hands to his sides and taking a deep cleansing breath. " Third drawer of the chest." He said quietly.
She felt his eyes boring into her as she went to the drawer and pulled it opened. She grabbed the bottle of liquor without really looking at it and tossed it into the bag she'd grabbed off the floor. Then she looked back to him. " Nightstand." He announced.
She went there and grabbed that bottle as well, giving it a quick toss. This time he moved. He went to the closet and opened the door with a little more force than necessary, sending it banging against its hinges. She watched as he pulled several articles of clothing on hangers aside and reached into the far depths of the darkened space. He came back out with three bottles in his hand. The brightly colored labels where a blur as he walked to her and threw them into to the bag with the rest.
" Is that all ?" She asked him.
" I really wish it were. That looks pretty bad already." He gave her a tight smile.
Then he went to the bed. Reaching under the mattress he yanked out a half full pint of something amber colored and threw it towards the bag. She raised it and caught it in mid air, hearing it shatter as it landed. Then he slid down to the floor and reached under the bed. She almost told him to be careful. If she knew him at all anymore, the recess under his bed was a scary, scary place.
Taking out two more bottles he flung them into the trash bag then slumped back against the mattress tiredly.
She took it as a sign that he was finally done. Looking at the heavy bag in her hand, her worry grew at the shear number of bottles in its contents.
" How did I not know how bad this was, Cappie ?" She asked, after setting the bag outside the door and calling for someone to come get rid of it. She sat down beside him and put her hand on his thigh. Looking into his face, she found what she had wanted to see earlier. Sincere, earnest, resignation and a little bit of fear. The self loathing she could have done without, but maybe it was necessary for him to do what needed to be done, so she accepted it without comment.
" I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know." He answered.
" How bad is it really ? Tell me the truth. It's just you and me here and I'm not judging. I just want to know."
He didn't answer for a long time and she thought maybe he wasn't going to, but then he turned his face to her with moisture brimming his eyes, threatening to fall any second. " It's all I do anymore. I stopped going to classes a while back. I haven't really done anything with the house in weeks. I haven't been dating, or even trying for that matter. I just hang out here and drink. Drink until I can't remember my name anymore, until I can't..." His voice trailed off as the dam in his eyes broke and the tears slid slowly down his cheeks. " remember anything anymore." He finished as he blinked rapidly, fighting a useless battle with his emotions.
" Oh, Cap." She whispered before bringing her arms around his shoulders and pulling him into her chest. He let her, folding easily against her body and resting his head against her breast. " We're going to make this okay. We'll get through this."
" I don't even know what day it is." He sniffled, and she ignored it like she knew he'd want her to do.
" It's Sunday now." She told him, smoothing his hair with her fingers.
" No," He shook his head. " I mean I don't even know what DAY it is."
She closed her eyes in anguish as she suddenly understood what he was asking her. " It's the thirteenth of June."
His head shot up and he looked at her incredulously. " June, It's June ?"
She nodded in affirmation.
" I can't remember the last time I looked at a calender. I really thought it was some time in May still." He smiled a rueful, regretful smile. " I missed seeing you graduate."
" It's okay." She assured him. " You'll be there when I finish law school."
" That's a promise." He told her resolutely.
" I'm going to hold you to that." She smiled.
