Kakashi walked down the street, not having an actual destination in mind and barely remembering to pull his mask back up. His head was starting to hurt with all these thoughts bouncing around.
He still didn't have any answers. He didn't what had actually happened between him and Sakura. It had obviously been serious. And by how she had kissed him back, there were still feelings there. But it wasn't enough. Maybe it had never been enough and that's why she was married to someone else. The only question that had been answered was that she didn't want him, that he wasn't enough.
Kakashi's chest was squeezing around his heart painfully and his stomach felt like it was tangled in knots. He wanted to get as far away from that house as he could, but he also wanted to turn around and go back. He wanted to tell her that he'll let it all go, that he won't care about his memories, that he'll pretend like it never happened, just so she would stay by his side.
Kakashi did not beg. Kakashi had never begged before in his life. It wasn't like him. He didn't show his emotions to people. He didn't just have a physical mask, he had a metaphorical mask that he used to hide his feelings, his thoughts. He didn't let people in. He didn't open up and he didn't fall in love either.
So, what was with this woman? This one woman. Haruno Sakura. He had woke up not even knowing she existed and now he felt like she knew every part of him. Seen behind every mask he had ever worn. He felt comfortable with her without even knowing why. He let her into his life, into the spot she had seemingly always held. She loved him. She had loved him. And he had no idea what he had to have done to have lost her completely while still having a part of her.
And he had loved her back. He had felt it through his memories. Felt it through that kiss. Even felt it now as he walked away from her. But how could you love someone you barely knew?
Kakashi turned a corner, barely registering that he was headed towards the memorial stone. Then, he felt a sudden pain in his head. He leaned against a tree, his hand coming up to grab at his head. The pain was the most intense he'd felt yet. A throbbing pain that pounded inside his head, made him feel like his whole consciousness was trying to jump out of his head. His vision blurred in array of colors and he could hear his own voice in his ears.
"Pakkun, watch over Sakura," he spoke as he laid out food in bowls for the ninken.
Pakkun rolled his eyes the best that a dog could, "It's not like she's pregnant yet."
Kakashi sighed, "Well, no, but she could be in a couple weeks. While I'm gone. You know we've been trying."
Pakkun nodded his little head, "You got it, Boss." He then, trotted over to the rest of the boys and ate his breakfast.
Kakashi walked quietly back to their bedroom in the dark house. He paused in the doorway to Sakura still asleep. She was laying on her side, her hair covered across her face messily and snoring lightly. But Kakashi still thought she looked beautiful, especially with how her arms were still reaching out for the space he had just been sleeping.
He reluctantly looked away from her and walked over to his dresser. He pulled out a small piece of parchment and a pen from his dresser. And he wrote:
"Hatake Sakura, I'll never get tired of writing that. Never get tired of seeing your name tied to mine. To see something so beautiful in the Hatake Clan is something I never thought possible. But there it is I six syllables. I didn't want to wake you, you look so beautiful laying there and I know you won't be able to go back to sleep knowing I'm not there. I'll be careful on my mission like you always tell me to be. Be good to the boys while I'm away and don't feed them too much. I can't promise you I'll come back, but I promise to always try. To come back to you, to this ring, to the life we've built together. I love you – Kakashi"
He placed the note on the top of his dresser and tugged off his left glove. He sighed as he pulled of his wedding band and placed it on top of the note. He stared at it for a moment, admiring how the gold shined even in the dark bedroom. He wanted nothing more than to take it with him, to have it as a comfort, as a reminder. But it was too precious to him and he couldn't risk it getting damaged, lost, or stolen.
Kakashi walked over to Sakura and kissed her softly on her forehead right over her purple diamond. He moved her hair out of her face and regretfully turned away from her. He grabbed his pack from the corner of the room and headed out the window. He climbed over the ledge, trying to not take one last look back and losing.
Sakura dropped to the floor, her eyes still glued to the door that Kakashi had just walked out of. She couldn't control her crying anymore, and tears poured freely down her face. She felt like she had just lost Kakashi all over again. Because she had lost him, hadn't she? Pushed him away until he left. Hurt him until he gave up on her. Told him she loved her husband and only her husband until she died. All the while never telling him who her husband was. Telling him it was him, the man she'd loved since she was twenty, the man she'd promised herself to for the rest of her days.
And all what for? So, Kakashi felt like he had a choice. So, he felt like he had his own free will. So, he didn't have to follow the path an older version of himself had picked to follow. She kept telling herself these reasons, repeating them over and over in her head like a mantra. Because she had made the right choice by giving Kakashi a choice.
A part of her screamed at her that Kakashi had had his choice and he had still chosen her. He had never begrudged Sakura for imposing on him. For selfishly sticking to his side. He had trusted her. He had let her in again. He had enjoyed her company. He had tried to kiss her and even when she rejected him, he still stayed by her side. Then, he had kissed her tonight and she had let him.
Sakura knew that this was probably the easiest solution, the one she had secretly hoped for but never voiced out loud. That Kakashi would fall in love with her again. At a different age, a different mindset, a different place in his life. And he would still fall for her. She had wanted this, so why was she fighting it? Why wasn't she respecting his choice after she had given it to him?
Because even though he was still Kakashi, she missed her Kakashi. And she couldn't let him go. He meant so much to her and he had become a part of her and her him. They'd built a life together and now it felt like that life was crumbling down and Sakura was trying to fix it with tape. This Kakashi, while she still loved him, felt almost like a different person. And he wasn't even that much different from the Kakashi she knew. But she could still see the little things. And it had only made her miss the life she had, the one where her and Kakashi were married and trying to start a family together. She was hanging on to it with her bare hands and was trying her damnedest to not let it go. She couldn't, she had been so happy.
Sakura got up from the floor with shaky knees and dragged her feet to the kitchen to make some tea. When she walked through the doorway, though, she spotted her diary laying on the table. After Kakashi had finished reading it, she had just tossed it there carelessly. She walked over to it and picked it up. She mindlessly flipped through the pages and something caught her eye.
It was the last page. She remembered she had left it blank, but now it was covered in words. And she recognized it as Kakashi's chicken scratch handwriting.
"Sakura, now this book was no Icha Icha, but it was still pretty good. I'd give it a 9/10 and just because there were no steamy scenes. As I'm sure you know how much I love the steamy scenes. But I really liked the characters. That sensei for instance. He sounds like a handsome devil by the way you describe him and don't think I didn't notice how often the heroin thinks of him. You painted him like a hero and it made me wonder if that was really how you saw him? Is he really as badass and sweet as you write him? Then, the heroin, she was a fantastic character. Her character development from the weak love-struck teenager to an independent and powerful woman was amazing. Really, though, it was surprising that not many of the other characters were in love with her and this didn't turn into a reverse-harem.
The ending while still happy was also bittersweet. So, I was wondering, is there a sequel in motion? Maybe a happier one, where the heroin finally gets what she deserves, a happy ending. Maybe a little romance or a lot. You know, it's your choice. But I have to say, if you're being open minded, I feel like the heroin and her sensei had good chemistry. Don't you think? Who knows, maybe the heroin's happy ending is right under her nose. But it's your book, so whatever you choose to write is fine by me. I'll read whatever you give me."
Sakura laughed, more tears running down her face. Her fingers going over the little drawing Kakashi did of the heroin and feeling the etches left by the pen. Sakura was smiling, her fingers going over the rough lines on the page. It reminded her of how she felt when Kakashi left her notes on his dresser.
But it's your book, so whatever you choose… Sakura stared at the line, her heart rate picking up. Sakura dropped the book, not even hearing it fall to the floor as she was already running out the door.
Sakura had wanted Kakashi to fall in love with her again and it seemed like he had, or at least was on the verge of it. But what about her? This Kakashi, while still definitely Kakashi, was different from the man she'd always known. But so much of him was still the same. And hadn't she said that she'd always love him?
She thought back to falling in love with Kakashi. How it had started out slow, with butterflies and blushes and turned into a whirlwind of emotions and experiences she had never felt before. It had been amazing and intense and exciting. So, why wouldn't she want to do it all over again? Why couldn't she fall in love with him all over again?
She had thought she was protecting Kakashi, looking out for his best interest. But look at them. They were both miserable. Him, feeling rejected by the woman he loved, believing she was fully devoted to another man. Her, waiting for a husband to come home that was already there. She may not be happy like she was before, but she could be a different kind of happy. And what was wrong with differentanyway? Why had she been so scared?
Sakura's decision was already made as her feet kicked off of the ground as she sprinted to Kakashi's apartment. He had to be there. If not, then she'd check the training grounds. If not there, then Hokage mountain. She knew him, she'd find him. She'd tell him, she'd tell him everything.
Sakura spent hours searching all over the village to the point where she was starting to panic. Where was he? Was he okay? What if he had collapsed somewhere?
Sakura bit her thumb and slammed it against the ground. A second later and smoke appeared revealing her favorite pug. "Pakkun!"
"What's wrong, Sakura?"
"I can't find Kakashi. Help me track him?" she asked him, thankful that the ninken had become her summons too. She still remembered them all asking her after she got married, if she would add her name to that scroll.
Pakkun barked, "Got it, Sakura!"
Minutes later and Pakkun caught a scent of his master. Sakura sprinted after him, surprised that he was leading her back to her house. Sakura threw herself through the door and ran into the house. She could tell things had been moved around and followed the sound of papers coming from her bedroom. Pakkun trotted silently beside her.
She walked into the room to see Kakashi's back to her. Her dresser drawers were open and he was shuffling through papers. Sakura didn't call out to him, she knew he knew she was there. Pakkun glanced at her and walked back to the part of the house where the ninken lived. She leaned against the doorway and waited for Kakashi to say something.
Eventually he turned around, his hands filled with little notes he'd written to her over the years. He looked at her brokenly with wide eyes, "I'm your husband?"
Sakura reached for him and suddenly he dropped to his knees. "Kakashi!" she ran towards him and when she knelt beside him, Kakashi grabbed her arms. Whether it was for support or comfort, she didn't know. But she held on to him.
"Sakura –" Kakashi started, but then winced and grabbed at his head. Sakura's hand hovered above his forehead, ready to stop his pain. But Kakashi's head fell to her lap and Sakura felt her heart stop.
"Kakashi!" she shook his shoulders, but his eyes didn't open. "Kakashi!" Still no response.
"Pakkun!" Sakura yelled and the pug was there a second later. Sakura tried to apply chakra to Kakashi's head, but it seemed to have no effect. "Pakkun, get Tsunade."
