January 1778
Christmas came and went, and no matter how much she enjoyed being with her family, Tessa found herself longing to be back at camp. There she was of some use, instead of sitting around doing nothing and pretending to not be itching to leave. Of course, a certain someone did factor into this desire.
Despite the fairly consistent flow of letters between them, she was still preoccupied with thoughts of him. Distance only caused her concern for him to grow, and she wanted nothing more than to be by his side, to assist him in all of his endeavours.
The letters did have the side effect of causing questioning within her family. Particularly from her parents, Ana already been aware of the situation, and Antonio and Catalina not noticing, far too preoccupied with their own families.
Now her mother and her sat by the fire alone, and it wasn't long before Maria broached the subject. Just as Tessa knew she would.
"You speak highly, and fondly of this man," Maria said, "But I have to ask, what about Alexander?"
"Things between us have been over for some time," Tessa said, "I'm afraid I don't see how he factors into this equation."
"Because you loved him, and I think you still do." Maria said, "I know you still write him, is this Major aware of this?"
"No, I have not told Benjamin." Tessa admitted, "But the content and tone is one of friendship. I have made it quite clear to Alexander that I no longer feel for him as I once did."
It was a lie, and they both knew it. Her feelings for Alexander were yet to subside, though had decreased in intensity, and she doubted that ever completely would. Of course, that was not to say that this somehow lessened her feelings for Benjamin, rather, they had only seemed to have deepened. And now she questioned whether one could really love two people? Because that was certainly what was occurring.
"You care for both of these men," Maria said, "Why is it that you choose Benjamin?"
"I know him to be an honest, and loyal man, whom I would trust to be a devoted husband." Tessa explained, "I cannot say the same for Alexander. And do not try to defend him, because I know you think the same."
"I just want you to be happy." Maria said, reaching out to clutch her hand, "I don't what you to choose good sense over depth of feeling, and find out in a few years that you cannot feel the same way for Benjamin." She explained, "It would be terrible for you, and unfair to him."
"I know, mother." Tessa nodded, "And I do feel the same for Benjamin, our time apart has only proved that to me. It is a different love, but no less present." She explained, "What do I do?"
She loathed the pleading tone to her words. It was like she was a child once more, begging for her mother's instruction. And she supposed she was, in some manner, requiring the wisdom of another.
"I think that you were right in your assumptions of Alexander, and the same of Benjamin, from what you have told me," Maria said, "If you truly feel the same for both men, than I agree that Benjamin will be the better husband."
The arrival of his next letter that very moment seemed to her to be some sort of sign, declaring the correctness of her decision. At the very least, it affirmed to her that her feelings for him were quite genuine.
Dear Tessa,
I have unfortunate news that I wish to share with you, though the exact details cannot be made known to others. Culper has been arrested in New York, and due to my inability to control my assets, Washington has removed me as head of intelligence. I am being reassigned to Boston, to asses their military strength.
However, Caleb and I have a plan to get Culper free. I cannot divulge it here, and ask that you wait until we meet again for me to explain it to you. Your absence is being felt dearly, and I think even Washington misses your advice sometimes. I am sure that we can maintain correspondence whilst I am in Boston, and eagerly await your response.
Fondly,
Benjamin
If the purpose of the letter was to dissuade her interest out of his own selfless nature, then it had failed entirely. Instead, it only strengthened her commitment to him. No matter what his station may be, she wanted him. And she had the tendency to get what she wanted.
Dear Benjamin,
That certainly is unfortunate news, and I want you to know that I pray for Culper's release and safe return. Do not disparage yourself too much, for I fear that Washington is at least partly driven by his projection of his own guilt for Sackett's untimely death onto you. Whatever this plan is I trust that it will successfully come to fruition, and eagerly await hearing about it.
I certainly agree that we can maintain correspondence, but I do not think I can go on for too much longer without seeing you again. As such, if circumstance permits it, I will pay a visit to my extended family in Boston. At least then we can be together again.
With much love,
Tessa
