Warning: Mentions of child abuse in this chapter.
"I think I'll be a clown when I get grown," said Dill. "Yes, sir, a clown... There ain't one thing in this world I can do about folks except laugh, so I'm gonna join the circus and laugh my head off." "You got it backwards, Dill," said Jem. "Clowns are sad, it's folks that laugh at them." "Well, I'm gonna be a new kind of clown. I'm gonna stand in the middle of the ring and laugh at the folks." ~ Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chapter 22.
While Andy and Patrick had been gone Sheila, Teresa, and Ben had spent their time together in a rather serious conversation. The light mood from before had completely disappeared, tension lingering in its stead. They were all quite worried about their friend and it didn't help any that the two missing men took their sweet time to return.
Sheila tried to reassure everyone. "I'm sure they'll be back any minute now. Andy's really good spiriting up people. And the two of them are close enough so he'll know how to handle Rick. They might have been out of contact for almost a decade. It was the very time during which Andy and I got together. And even though I'd of course never met him during our marriage, it felt as if I'd known the guy for years,when we finally came face to face because Andy had been regarding me with stories about him all the time. To him Patrick's like the brother he never had. He really missed him and he couldn't be happier to have him back in his life."
"Strange that Patrick never mentioned him before," Teresa chipped in thoughtfully. "On the other hand not too strange either, considering… He hardly ever tells anything from his earlier life before he joined the CBI. Too much guilt and shame I suppose."
Normally, she wouldn't have dared to speak so openly about her consultant in the presence of others but she felt that they all genuinely cared for the complicated man and what she said would stay between them. Additionally, she had to admit that she hoped to learn more about her friend. The revelations about Jane she'd already gained tonight had actually left her with more questions than she'd had before. And somehow she doubted she would get very many answers from the man himself.
Sheila nodded at her words. "Oh, yes. Andy was outright livid when he realized why Rick had cut their ties. When we moved here he spent ages mulling over whether he could actually risk to contact him or whether it would hurt his friend too much if he did. When he learnt that Patrick had backed out of their friendship because he thought Andy hated him for killing his wife and child, he got so angry. He couldn't believe Rick would think something like that about him,when all the time all Andy had wanted to do was to be there for his best friend. To him it felt like he had lost out on a decade of friendship just because that idiot had wallowed in his self-deceptive limbo. Fortunately they've talked things out now and Andy kind of understands that it didn't have anything to do with him or what he thought Rick believed of him. On the contrary, it has everything to do with Patrick's complete lack of self-esteem. And I guess you've learnt tonight, where that might originate from."
"Oh yes, did I ever. And though I had had an inkling I'd never assumed it was that bad. I thought it was more like mental abuse or something like that. Pete called him a survivor and Patrick told me once that his father never spoke a word with him again after he had left the carnie-community," Teresa explained.
Ben spoke up at this point, addressing Lisbon directly, " I'm not sure I'm supposed to give away even more of his secrets but I can see that he's closer to you than he's been to anyone since Angela. I hope you are aware of his true feelings for you, yes?"
Teresa shook her head in denial. "I'm not sure what you mean. We are only friends. There's nothing more between us."
"Keep telling yourself that. I have seen the way he looks at you and believe me, he likes you as more than 'just friends'."
He raised his brows. "But it's alright. I can see that you're both not ready to act on your true feelings. Still, you shouldn't deceive yourself anymore. He might be emotionally damaged and unable to move on completely but do yourself a favor and be honest with yourself at least. It's not only he who has that certain look in his eyes." He cast her a knowing glance. "You sure as hell return those feelings. I might not be as observant as our Patrick but I'm not blind either, okay?"
Teresa was nearly shell-shocked at the revelation and cast Sheila a beseeching look for help. But the other woman just gazed at her apologetically. "Ben's absolutely right, you know. It's obvious enough."
At that Ben continued, "As I said, though it might not be fair to Ricky to reveal more about his time growing-up, I think you'll be able to better help and support him when you have some solid facts. I'd hate for you to learn it from assholes like Joe. And even though Pete's a rather decent guy he hasn't been the most supportive person in Rick's life either. And he could've been, you know? He practically raised him together with his wife Berta who unfortunately passed away about ten years ago."
"Raised him?" Teresa asked in astonishment.
"Yes. Patrick's mother died during childbirth. You knew that, didn't you?" Ben asked.
"No, I didn't. He's never once mention his mother in my presence. I wondered why of course, but I didn't dare to ask," Lisbon admitted.
"Well, now you know," Ben replied.
He took a deep breath and started to reveal more. "Alex Jane was a reasonably talented mentalist himself but he was as lazy as they come. He didn't feel like honing his skills and thus he didn't make that much money with his act. But money was the only thing he really cared for besides of himself. The only thing going for him in that respect was his complete and utter ruthlessness. What he lacked in skills he made up for with the lengths he was ready to go with his cons and scams." The juggler's face showed the disdain he felt for the other man.
"Just tough luck his son was born with probably the biggest heart between Miami and Seattle. Took Alex quite the effort to bend it to his will. Well, he never fully managed fortunately." He sported a crooked grin.
"But I'm getting ahead of myself. Patrick's mother wasn't a carnie herself. She had been fascinated by the adventurous lifestyle and Jane's charms. She was rather young. Had just reached her majority when she ran away from home to be with Alex. He enjoyed having a willing homemaker around but I doubt he felt any real attachment. I'm not sure that bastard has ever been capable of caring about anyone but himself."
His expression had turned disgusted again. "Anyway, Anne got pregnant not long afterwards. And Alex wasn't happy about it, that's for sure. When she got into labor he was out gambling or something. She tried to get help, asked Pete and Berta, who had their trailer closest to them, to go and find him. When he turned up eventually, not too amused about being kept from his card-game and sauced as well, she'd already nearly given birth all on her own. And the bastard didn't bother to take her to a hospital. Just kept complaining about the gore soiling his precious bed. He didn't even realize that she was losing more and more blood – a lot more than was normal. When he finally caught on to the fact that something was seriously wrong Anne had already lost consciousness. The paramedics couldn't save her."
He paused at that, clearly agitated. Though he'd only heard the story through others and hadn't been present himself, it still upset him that someone could be so callous. And furthermore, he knew what sort of impact those events had had on his friend's life. Both Sheila and Teresa were completely appalled at what they'd heard so far which was clearly visible on their faces.
Ben went on with his sad tale, "As you can imagine by now Alex Jane wasn't too keen on lugging around a newborn infant. He even turned giving his son a name into a jest. Anne's surname had been Earl. He thought it funny to call the boy 'Patrick', which, if you don't know, translates from Latin to something like 'of noble origin'. He told that to anyone who'd bother to listen, like it was the best joke ever. Other than that he didn't take any interest in the baby at all."
His face was full of disdain for the man. It took him a moment to rein in his emotions then he continued, "Berta and Pete took care of Rick after they found him half starved and with diaper rash so extensive it took weeks to heal. And though I'm glad they decided to care for Patrick, I don't like the fact that they always made excuses for Alex Jane's behavior. They claimed the man was mourning Anne's death and that that was the reason behind the neglect. Complete bullshit of course if you ask me."
Another pause followed and all three shared a sad look. "You ready to hear more?" he asked the two women. At their nods he started speaking again, "For the next three years Patrick hardly existed in his father's world. The few times when he did notice him, he told him he cost too much money, that he was useless and evil because he'd killed his mother. And now he, Alex, had been left to deal with the consequences. Can you imagine? Telling your son he'd killed his own mother?"
He took in the appalled gasps of his audience. "So Teresa, you're absolutely right. It started with mental abuse. As long as I can personally remember and that's right from the time I first met him when he was about five years old, Rick's been feeling guilty about his mother's death. That's the main reason he never mentions her. But his daughter was named after her – in reverse order. Her full name had been Anne Charlotte Earl."
Ben paused again. He needed a moment to collect himself. He had of course taken notice of the reactions of his two companions, but it was only now he realized how much of an impact his tale had really had on the women. Teresa, who normally hated public emotional displays and would do just about anything to avoid them, had actual a few tears running down her face. She whispered, "And now he believes that he killed his daughter, too."
Sheila's face was ashen even though she'd de facto known part of the story already. Still, hearing it with that clarity made her understand a lot more about her husband's best friend and the reasons behind his retreat from that very friendship nine years ago.
Ben took a deep breath and asked, "Are you ready to hear more or should we let it stand for tonight?"
You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view - until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it. - Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird, Chapter 3.
Lisbon chimed in, "I'm not sure, actually. This was quite a lot to take in. On the other hand, I want to, no, I need to learn more about Patrick's past. I just realized how little I actually do know about him. And as a consequence I don't think I've been giving him enough consideration."
She looked very sad, remembering some of the conversations she'd shared with her consultant. "I never really understood why he thought he was more entitled to his personal quest for vengeance against Red John than any other of his victims. But now it makes much more sense of course. And I finally get why he feels so excessively guilty about their deaths, more so than seems reasonable in any way or form," Teresa explained, compassion apparent on her face though any traces of the tears she'd shed only minutes ago she had already wiped away ashamedly.
"I've always tried to reason with him. Tried to tell him that his pain wasn't any different from that of others who'd been bereaved like that. That he was arrogant to think his case to be so special. Now I can see that this is about so much more than his wife and child or even Red John for that matter. He's been trying to make amends for their deaths as well as that of his mother, probably even for his bastard of a father come to think of it."
She took a deep breath and collected her thoughts. "As I see it he's been conditioned into taking the blame for everything bad right from the get go. No wonder he's been doing penance for all his imaginary sins ever since their murder. He's been punishing himself relentlessly for over nine years now and I'm convinced he thinks the only possible way to really pay for it all is to kill Red John and suffer the consequences afterwards." She shook her head in dismay. "It all makes sense, now. Eh well, in a rather twisted sort of way..."
"Yes, that's exactly why I've decided to tell you. Because I might know about his past but I have no idea who he is at present. And he hasn't given anyone from his past a real chance to help him through the tough times. Therefore I'm convinced that you're the only one in any position to give him emotional support at the moment. Before, he wasn't like that at all, you know. He wasn't all guilt-ridden and dark. All throughout the shit that was his childhood he managed to stay bright and positive. He was outgoing, always smiling, full of shit, and fun to be around." He looked up with a fond expression on his face.
"We weren't traveling with the same circuit, Patrick and I. I was actually with Andy's. But for the really big fairs, some four or five times every year, the different carnie circuits met up at the same places for a few weeks. The first time I took notice of him was when he was about five. I was eleven or twelve and as you can imagine not too thrilled about a critter like him trying to hang around with me. But there he was, always sitting and watching from nearby when I was training my juggling."
His grin while remembering was full of mirth. "He observed me so intensely, it was absolutely eerie. Whenever our gazes would meet, he'd shoot me one of his impish smiles and I'd shake my head in irritation. It went like that for a couple of days until I'd had enough. I went over to the storage-jar he was sitting on and confronted him. Told him to get lost and find someone else to bug. But he was as stubborn then as he's now. Didn't so much as stir, kept looking at me with his curious puppy-dog-eyes and a smile, even I had a hard time resisting."
He smiled benignly. When he continued he modulated his tone, mimicking the voice of the five-year-old Jane to the ladies' delight, "'Could you teach me how to juggle, please', he asked me. 'I think, I understand the underlying concept well enough from my observations of your techniques but I've tried to emulate them on my own and I'm still struggling with anything beyond the basic three-ball-cascade and a simple fountain. So I guess there must be more to it than meets the eye.'"
He stopped and waited until Sheila and Teresa had finished laughing. "To say that I was astonished would be a euphemism. I never expected a child of his age to talk like that. Even I wasn't half as eloquent as that blond imp in front of me and I was more than double his age. So he got my attention alright." He chuckled.
"But I wasn't that impressed. It felt a lot like being shown up by that smartass to be honest. So I snorted and told him I didn't believe he could juggle at all. Big mistake of course. You never ever challenge Patrick Jane like that and get out of it unscathed." He raised his brows and they all shared a knowing look.
"He just smirked at me and said cheekily 'Wanna make a bet?' I felt rather sure of myself. I had been in that business for quite some time and my parents had taught me the art from an early age. But if what that midget was telling me held any truth, he didn't have more than two days worth of training and that wasn't enough to handle a fountain, which means juggling with four balls, by the way – or so I thought." Another chuckle escaped him.
"So naturally I agreed to the bet. Capital error number two of course. Never ever make a bet with Patrick Jane. He doesn't bet when he knows, there's even the slightest chance he could lose. But in my defense I didn't know him at the time. So I asked about the wager and we agreed that if he won I'd teach him, if he lost he'd never bother me again. Guess it goes without saying that I lost big time."
They all snickered. "But as it turned out that wasn't a bad thing at all. He was the most docile student you could wish for and he was fun to teach, really. And so incredibly smart, so much older than his years. Fortunately, his father allowed him to continue because juggling's actually quite meditative and Patrick combined the training with mental exercises."
The two women looked impressed and astonished. They were talking about a five-year-old after all.
"During our lesson he kept pointing out people randomly, cold-reading them for my entertainment. He came up with the most outrageous stories. He made me bubbling over with laughter nearly constantly. It wasn't until after I'd actually been to one of his wonder-boy-acts that I realized, most of what he told me about those people was probably actually the truth. I got a bit wary of him afterwards. I mean I was only a child myself and to me it looked a lot like he was a real honest to god psychic."
He looked slightly sheepish at the memory. "So I tried to find out more about him. That's actually the reason why I know so much about his background."
He took another deep breath, preparing himself to reveal even more about his friend. "I learned that his father suddenly acknowledged him when he found out that his son had taught himself how to read aged three. Patrick told me once it just happened because he was bored. I imagine it must have been dull and excruciatingly so for such an incredibly bright child, always sitting around in their rather shabby trailer with no one to talk to and nearly no human attention."
He looked sad and the two women shared the sentiment. "From what I've gathered he didn't have any toys either. The only things of interest he was allowed to touch without his father getting a fit, were some old books that, of all people, his mother had left behind. It wasn't anything suitable for someone his age of course, but that didn't stop him. So believe it or not but Patrick Jane figured out how to read aged three from To kill a Mockingbird. No wonder the guy's a walking dictionary."
Ben paused and relished in the amazement he could see in the faces of his small audience. Sheila and Teresa had both already accepted that Jane had a brilliant mind. You just couldn't NOT notice that. But even though they were still astonished at the degree of his obvious intelligence.
The juggler took up his tale a moment later. "Well, this turned out to be both a blessing for Rick and his downfall at the same time. Because when Alex Jane realized just how bright his son actually was, all he saw was a cash cow in the making. But to Patrick it was like a miracle at first. Suddenly his dad took an interest in him. And he virtually thrived with the attention. He became a complete prodigy, did everything his father asked him to do in order to please him. And dear old dad exploited that mercilessly."
He needed another minute to calm himself, angry at the ruthless man. Sheila and Teresa looked rather appalled as well. "He taught him the basics of mnemotechnics, had him start building that infamous memory-palace of his, and made him fill it with a wide range of information. Whenever Rick didn't measure up in his dad's eyes Alex would slap him and tell him he had to make more of an effort as compensation for killing his mother. Called it motivation to do better. In other words, his childhood ended effectively when he was three - if you want to call the neglect he faced before that a childhood - and was replaced by relentless training. Everything Alex had been too lazy to do himself he had his son do: memorize, observe, take in even the smallest details, store information, learn new tricks, study the intricacies of human behavior patterns, learn how to read body language, hone his skills, suppress and control unwanted emotions, and so on, and so forth. Often up to ten hours a day, sometimes even more. He hardly ever got a break. But Rick endured it all, always hoping that one day he'd be worthy of the one thing his father never offered him: his love."
Ben paused after his long narration. He'd gotten carried away completely he had to admit. Originally, he'd only planned to provide a few additional informations but now he'd divulged practically everything he knew about Patrick Jane in one go. He felt a bit uncomfortable, both because he'd broken his friend's trust but also because he wasn't normally someone to talk so much in the presence of others. And in Teresa's case it was actually a virtual stranger as well.
He took a swig from his beer and shifted a bit in his chair, trying to find a more comfortable position. He was convinced he could trust the woman and that she was deeply enarmored with Rick, but still... Now he hoped the other two males would return soon, so things wouldn't turn really awkward at their table. "I'm getting a bit worried here. They've been gone quite a while now, haven't they? I hope everything's alright or as alright as can be, considering…"
He looked up at the two women with worry in his eyes. They fully agreed with him. And just as they'd decided that Teresa would be the best one to go and see if she could find them, Andy and Patrick entered the bar again and made their way over to the counter, waving in their direction. By mutual agreement Ben, Teresa, and Sheila resolved to end their heavy conversation at this point and not too soon it appeared because a moment later Patrick came over to their table carrying several beer bottles.
TBC
