N/A: all recognisable characters are owned by… hmm… whoever owns Pirates of the Caribbean… Disney I think. My friends own themselves, I own The Unnamed Critic, The Disembodied Booming Voice and the stick insect. Eddie Izzard owns the Abused Baboon (though he doesn't know it) and the devil owns my soul.
We Were Mostly Just Lusting After Jack And Will
Chapter 7: Bryony's Twitching and a Dead Parrot
"Hahaha!" The Author laughed her very best evil laugh. "Left you hanging with that one didn't I, bet you were hanging on to the edge of your seat, cursing the slow speed of your modem as it loaded this chapter! Either that or you were waiting for me to update, cursing the slow speed of my typing! Or of course you may not care at all. The latter is probably the most likely option…"
"Got that right" said The Unnamed Critic.
"Fuck up" said The Author and threw a stick insect at The Unnamed Critic. The Unnamed Critic left cursing and composing flame reviews.
"Anyway," The Author continued "the point I'm getting to is that this cliffhanger is in fact quite an anticlimax, no one's dead. Not anyone that any reader would ever really care about. Not that I could really imagine anyone really caring about any of my characters anyway but that's beside the point. See: (.that) there's the point (.) and that's beside it. Anyway you'll only care if you happen to really like Cotton's parrot, that is of course, who is dead." It was at this point that The Booming Voice from the sky interrupted "Why don't you actually write the story like a normal author?"
The Author laughed "Since when have I ever been a normal author?"
The Booming Voice sighed "I suppose not, just get on with the goddamn story will you." The Author pulled the fingers at The Booming Voice's retreating back (quite disregarding the fact that disembodied voices do not generally posses backs) then sat down to continue the story.
Shiky stared horrified at the body of the deceased parrot. Blood stained its bright feathers and its head was skewed at an unnatural angle and many other gruesome descriptions as well. Now you might think that Shiky's first thought was for the owner of said parrot. But the fact of the matter was that no one really cared about Cotton, but Jenno had formed something of a friendship with the talkative bird and so Shiky's first thought was to tell her hobbit obsessed friend the tragic news.
She climed the rigging (captain's coming! Do the Charlie! Captain's daughter! Ooooh! The author twirled her hair) and clambered in to the crow's nest beside Jenno who was still singing, although she had finished crooning 'Into The West' and had begun to warble 'In Dreams'
"But in dreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams…"
"Hey Jenno"
"…I ca-aan heeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar your naaaaaaaaaaaame…"
"Yo, Jenno!"
"…And in dreeaaaaaaaaaams…"
"Hey Jen!"
"We wiii-iiill meeeeeeeet aaaaaaaaaaGAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"
"JENNIFER!"
"What?"
"Jesus Christ. Took you long enough!"
"I'm listening now, sorry"
Jenno's disposition was considerably meeker then the other idiots and so she tended to apologise a great deal more, which was ironic, as she also tended to do the least wrong. But we do seem to be getting sidetracked.
"I've got something to tell you" said Shiky, deciding to keep the plot moving and ignore The Author's little tangents. "What?" asked Jenno, as people tend to ask when you tell them that you've got something to tell them, the funny thing is no one ever thinks to ask whether that was it, that the thing you had to tell them was that you've got something to tell them. That is probably because this is far too confusing for most people to think about. Once again Shiky ploughed on with the storyline regardless of the authors irrelevant rambling. "I'm sorry Jenno, but, Cotton's parrot is … no longer with us."
"Has he gone on holiday too then?" Jenno asked in a strong Coronation Street-type British accent. This was not quite the reaction Shiky had been expecting. In fact it was a damn weird thing to say full stop. Shiky was about to ask Jenno whether she'd had any of those 'dietary supplements' that Jack kept trying to convince Will to take when she remembered where she had heard that phrase before, it was a direct quote Chicken Run (complete with pohmmy accent) and once again the author was dropping in stupid and irrelevant movie rip-offs. Shiky made a mental note to ignore any particularly unusual behaviour from Jenno in the future.
"Not exactly; Jenno, he's dead."
"No!" Jenno's voice had raised several octaves "Why? When?"
"I dunno, I just found him."
Jenno sat on the floor and proceeded to sob inconsolably.
Shiky stood uncomfortably beside the sobbing Jenno , patting her on the shoulder and trying to be comforting "Listen" she said "I'd better go tell the others, want to come?" Jenno sniffed and nodded, Shiky patted her on the shoulder once more and they left the crows nest again, climbing down the rigging together (scrub the decks! Do the Helipad! Man the lifeboats: Five! Damfnoodle amagestaht ein… ) once more to where the collapsed heap of Libby, Bry, Megi and Hannah lay, moaning and mumbling things like "…never drink again…"
"Guys" Shiky announced "I have some news." The pitiful moaning subsided slightly as attentions were turned towards Shiky. Hannah however was still ignoring the rest of the world as she continued a disconsolate diatribe bemoaning the lack of panadol in whatever century it was that they were in (17th?).
"Some bad news" she clarified. Of course one has to question whether the death of Cotton's parrot qualified as bad news, for the singular reason that pretty much no one but Jenno gave a damn about the bloody bird. In fact many, Gina high on the list, found him rather irritating.
Bry certainly had doubts over whether the matter warranted her attention, and stated so:
"I fail to see how a dead bird should be higher on my list of priorities then bemoaning the state of my hangover."
"How do you know about it already?" asked Shiky. Bry shrugged "The Author said it in the last paragraph" she said. Shiky glared at the author "Thanks for ruining my important announcement"
"It's not my fault you're not fast enough" said The Author. Shiky replied with an old standard of hers "Go hump a tree!" A statement which, whilst being distinctly …unique… to an outside observer, was perfectly ordinary to anyone who had known Shiky for any length of time.
The Author turned on heel in a pointedly irritated manner and stalked down the ship, where she met Anamaria. Anamaria had a bone to pick with The Author.
"You seem to have forgotten I exist" she said "you mentioned me briefly in the fourth chapter and then completely forgot about me from that moment on! What the fuck? I reckon I was a fairly important enough character in the film to merit a bit of a look-in on this parody!"
The shifted uncomfortably "well yes, I know you were vital in the film … it's just … well … you see … I had this plot line … and … well …" Anamaria glared at the author, a glare that quite simply said "quit fucking around and give me a straight answer". And so the author took a deep breath and endevered to give said straight answer "Okay, well it's pretty much a given that you and Jack are gonna get together in the second potsy flick … so to have you not getting together in this parody would just be wrong. But the thing is it's kind of been my plan to set him up with one of the other characters. So I thought best way to avoid the complications you present would be just to kind of … cease to mention you … so people would forget about it and I'd be able to carry on with my plotline in peace."
Anamaria was understandably annoyed at this. But to the author's credit she did seem sufficiently guilty about attempting to write the pirate out of existence. So she offered Anamaria a form of compensation "Look" said the author "you can pretty much take your pick from any of the other hot Johnny Depp characters that we've managed to hook in with us and anyone else we may pick up along the way. How about Fred? I can always kill off Gezelda, after all, she's not even a real character yet." That offer sparked Ana's interest, she looked to the stern of the ship, to where Fred and Jack were ambling about in a happy, drunken state together.
"Fred, you say"
"All yours for the taking, just as long as you leave Jack to go along with my storyline"
"Deal"
"Wonderful to do business with you"
Gezelda suddenly suffered a horrific death at the hands of a giant seagull.
"Heh, would you look at that" said Fred.
Meanwhile, back in the plot, Bry too had noticed something, "On a topic that has absolutely no connection whatsoever to the mysterious murder of Cotton's Parrot" she began.
"Wait," interrupted Libby "how do you know the parrot was murdered?" Bry shrugged "no idea, go ask the author. Anyway, as I was saying; on a topic that has absolutely nothing to do with the mysterious murder of Cotton's Parrot-"
"Well there's not really many ways it could have died" said Megi, ignoring Bry "unless it had a heart attack or something…"
"Oi!" said Bry "I'm talking no. Me. Attention here. On a topic completely unrelated to the mysterious murder of Cotton's Parrot-"
"No, I saw the body, that sure as hell wasn't a heart attack he had" said Shiky.
"Excuse me I'm trying to make a point on a subject that has no relation to the mysterious murder of Cotton's Parrot!"
"You say he, but does anyone actually know the gender of Cotton's Parrot?" said Hannah.
Being ignored wasn't something that suited Bryony very well, she began to twitch.
"Well it's gender doesn't really matter now does it" said Libby. Megi nodded, "what does matter, is who killed him/her."
As no one had noticed Bry's twitching she jerked her entire body in a large spastic movement (to which is applied the same psychology as the twitching: "notice me goddamnit!" ) Finally, Hannah caved "oh for gods sake Bryony stop doing that and just say what it is you want to say!"
Bry stopped twitching.
"On a subject that-" she began, but Shiky cut her off "we know it's on a subject completely nothing to do with the mysterious murder of Cotton's parrot, Bry" she said "but what's the actually point?"
"I just wanted to ask if anyone knew where Gina is."
"No" said Libby
"And no one cares either" added Hannah.
"Well fine then" said Bry, giving Hannah a venomous look. Megi interrupted their glaring contest (which is much like a staring contest but much more pissed off and is one of the most popular sports at the gotholympics, ahead of grandma-scaring and the eyeliner throw) by drawing all attention to herself.
"Everyone! Pay attention to me!" she said "We have a mystery to solve!"
"We need to compile a list of suspects!" said Jenno brightly, quite excited by the prospect of a murder inquiry, and produced a pen and paper from no where.
"Right" she said.
"Suspects" said Megi.
"Yes" said Libby.
Much staring and blinking was done.
Finally, Shiky asked "Does anyone have any ideas?"
More staring and blinking occurred.
"It was Hannah" said Libby.
"It was Libby" said Hannah.
"Should I write that down?" asked Jenno.
"You mean should you take them seriously?" said Shiky
"Well should I?" she asked
"No" said Bry, with a decisive hand gesture "never."
Hannah smiled sunnily. Libby attempted to bite her own elbow. And everyone stopped paying attention to them.
It was at that point that Will came running and screaming towards them and hid behind Bry. Bry took the opportunity to bad her eyelashes flirtatiously at him, but he was to busy staring in terror at the menacing figure perched on the side of the ship, looking at him through black and beady eyes.Will quivered in fear. The seagull clicked its beak menacingly. Will screamed and clutched Bry's shoulder's "Save me! Dear god save me!" he whimpered.
" …sure…" Bry stood, crossed the deck, shooed away the seagull, and sat back down. Everyone now stared at Will, who curled in a foetal position on the wooden boards of the Black Pearl's deck, muttering to himself.
" …hear the cry of the gull on the shore … your heart will rest in the forest no more…" over and over again. Megi poked him with a convenient stick, when that had no effect she hit him over the head with it. He stopped muttering and stared wide-eyed up at her "she was blue!" he whispered in fear. After a bit more prodding with the stick (and the odd stick insect) it was discovered that upon crawling into bed to sleep off his hideous hangover, Will had had a horrific vision, in which a point eared woman appeared before him, turned a horrifying shade of blue and told him to beware of seagulls.
It was decided by all present that this curious little factoid could be shelved away until later in the fic when it (a) made any vague form of sense and (b) became relevant to the plot. It was quite possible it would be on that shelf for a very long time. Bryony saw fit to cradle the distraught almost-pirate in her arms and stroke his ever so shiny hair.
There was a sudden lull in the plot, and so the author decided the time was ripe for a random, inexplicable character introduction. Therefore it was at this point that Ella came wandering out onto the deck. Spotting Hannah and Libby she ran towards her two wives "where the hell am I?" she asked.
"Who the hell are you?" asked Jack, who had just swandered over.
"Dear god! It's another one of them!" exclaimed Fred who had just swandered over with him "where do they keep coming from?"
"This Ella" said Libby "she's my sexy wife"
"Our sexy wife" Hannah corrected her. Libby nodded "of course, my love."
Ella interrupted there inane dialogue, as people are wont to do as it truly is the pinnacle of inane "can someone please explain to me where I am and how I got here?"
Jack grinned in a very attractive evil-glint-in-eye like manner "yer on the Black Pearl, lassie" he said "hope ye' enjoy yer stay" unfortunately the dramatic effect of what was supposed to be an ironic statement was undermined somewhat by Megi nodding happily and reassuring her "you will, it's really fun."
Feeeeeeeeed meeeeeeeeeee Seymore.
And for people who have never seen Little Shop of Horrors: Review:D
