A/N: So... I'm not dead (though not thanks to the angry tram driver or my coordination skills). Was not abducted by any alien life forms. Every run-in with an inanimate object seeking my destruction has been dealt with accordingly. Have finished my thesis. Finished school…then started it again. My coffee maker still works. So all in all, there is no excuse that can make up for the FOUR months that it took to push out this chapter other than that I was sitting in front of a writer's block the size of Brazil. And just so to make it clearer: Brazil encompasses 3,286,488 square miles. That's a lot of miles. And even more kilometres.
I'd like to give a special thanks to SunKing for being my friend, my cheerleader, and my critic, whilst publishing a novel, writing a second one, and posting some of the best fanfiction this site has seen. If not for her, my writer's block might have been Russia.
Another special thanks goes out to all of you, who read, reviewed, PM'ed me, and never lost faith. For those whose expectations I have damaged, I'm not so good with superglue, but I'll try to mend it.
So I shall go bite my nails now awaiting your reaction (and you are in your full right to take four months over a review… I suppose, I deserve it.).
Sincerely,
Alverdine
Disclaimer: Don't own anything but my chaotic mind (and everything it produces (on a good day). Do not take credit for any structural damage.)).
THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN EDITED SINCE :) (thank you, hmonster4 for the beta-ing)
Chapter 7: Breaking Dawn
-B-
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About three things I was absolutely positive: First, there was something wrong with this yogurt I was having for breakfast. Second, my father still had the same jar of jam from my visit five months ago in the fridge, so I was not surprised that there was something wrong with this yogurt I was having for breakfast. And third, considering the way I had left things with Edward, I didn't care that there was something wrong with this yogurt I was having for breakfast. I was mortified and confused. I couldn't close my eyes without seeing his face before me, his eyes a strange electrifying teal blue; his features coated with frustration and wonder, and dare I say, bewilderment as the wind played with his bronze mane. I could not forget the fixed line of his jaw, the soft flaring of his nostrils as he took in my words. I could not forget the clenching of my heart when he lashed out in frustration and for a moment he looked like a beautiful bird with clipped wings and all that had crossed through my mind was that I wanted to hold him.
I sighed and dropped the spoon back in the bowl running my fingers through my hair. I could not forget the taste of his cold lips, the feel of the faint stubble on his cheeks against my palms, the way every single tendon and muscle in his body had tensed and his breath hitched as I'd kissed him. I had kissed him. I had kissed him. And he thought he was surprised. By the time I'd gotten back to the shop my legs had felt wobbly, my heart beat in my chest in painful hollow thuds and I'd trouble remembering the exact intention behind my actions. If it had been to confuse myself even more, I got an A+. My hand reached for the spoon again and I prodded in the goo in my bowl to channel the frustration.
"Christ…" I groaned and jumped up when my father cleared his throat. He stood in the doorway, and I couldn't help but blush as if I were speaking my thoughts out loud. Charlie was clad in his police uniform, ready for another day of law enforcement. Even though it was usually enough to threaten the local "thugs" with telling their mothers, Charlie took his task seriously and he was a respected man in the community. He was the quiet, grouchy, yet kind chief of police, and my heart often swelled with silent pride, though I had never spoken the words. I was proud of my Dad.
"There is something wrong with this yogurt," I said to direct the attention away from my burning cheeks. He furrowed his brow briefly and then made way to the coffee pot on the counter, holding it up to me as one eyebrow hitched in question. I nodded.
He sat down and we drank our beverages in ostensible silence. But it was not silent. The emptiness was filled by a myriad of noises. The ticking of the kitchen clock sounded as if someone was banging a knife on the counter, my sighs echoed like a typhoon, and Charlie clattered his spoon to the side of his mug with shrill clangs. Yet all this 'commotion'could not shut out Edward. Can I say something now? He was flushed, breathless, beautiful. I had kissed him and the absurdity of the situation had made me strangely amused. Perhaps it had been the final stage before a thorough mental breakdown. Yep. Bring on the bad yogurt. I wish I could say I was out of my mind, but I was still in the confines of it. I was trying to squeeze myself through the bars but it was useless and it was wet here, and cold, and lonely. But every time I tried to dig my way out, the tunnel collapsed.
"So…" I looked up and Charlie cleared his throat, eyeing me with that look of confusion on his face. Did I really look as messed up as I felt?
"What are you going to do before dinner?" he asked. Dinner. I had all but forgotten about Sue's Thanksgiving dinner, though it was the major reason why I was in Forks. Charlie's girlfriend, for lack of better term, had gone out of her way to organise a Thanksgiving dinner. I had been surprised at first, since Natives bore a different sentiment towards the holiday, but Sue had proclaimed that it was a day of being grateful for each other and that she wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with us all in her own way.
"I think I'll go see Jake," I answered. I drank the last of my coffee before standing up and dragging myself to the sink.
"Good. That's good." Charlie nodded then mimicked me and got up from the table. "Well…"
"Okay." I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his cheek. His moustache jumped slightly and he let out a friendly grunt before giving my shoulder an awkward yet loving pat, and left the house.
I did the dishes, swept the kitchen, and threw out three quarters of the food in Charlie's pitiable refrigerator. Then I trekked through the house, drinking in the familiarity and the little changes. The couch had moved a foot to the left. I couldn't resist pushing it back in place, but once I had done so I discovered exactly why it had been moved in the first place. I chuckled and pulled it back over the red stain, most likely spaghetti out of a can. I folded the blanket over the back and put the month old papers in a neat pile. It instilled in me a strange sense of calm, things had not changed much here.
My life used to be like this. Though less prone to food poisoning, it had been unchanging, safe. Comfortable like a pair of worn jeans. And then he barged into it and in a couple of short weeks made my existence an itchy wool sweater. I ran my hands through my hair. What was I going to do with that man? With myself? I had told him I needed time to think, but where was the use in that? The software was just not compatible. Edward's resolution was too high. Edward. Edward. Edward. I was developing a disorder. One that made my childhood home claustrophobic. I had to get out and see Jake. If someone could take my mind off Edward, it was him.
My hometown looked strange, as I drove through it in my Chevy Malibu. Everything was covered in white, shimmering in the pale rays of the last November sun. It was quite unlike itself under this glistering silver sheet that had come unusually early this year. It looked pure, clean, magical. A bit pretentious perhaps. After all, this was the logging capital of the world, not a picturesque little village in the French Alps living off of sunshine and croissants. And as untainted, as exquisite as it looked, I knew what lay underneath. The pavement was old and battered, offering enough opportunities to trip. The houses were simple and practical, much like the people living in them. And veiled under all those shimmering layers of white was the eternal green. Hide as it did, it could not conceal its true colours. It could pretend all it wanted; it was still Forks. Just Forks. And I had missed it.
Even though I'd only lived in Forks for a little over a year and a half before moving to Seattle, it left an imprint that lay hidden. Just like at the house I felt a bond with Forks. Two dormant, plain, little organisms that at times attempted to pretend they were something else, be it through a magical white cover, or through the words and actions of others. Underneath however, we were what we were. I took in a shaky breath as a sudden rush of panic, so frequent these days that I felt like I was running a fever, flooded my being. I could not possibly be with Edward. What was I thinking?! How could I be the xx-chromosome counterpart of Edward Cullen? Brad had Angelina, Tom had Katie, Antonio had Melanie, Demi had Ashton, and Edward would have Bella. That was like eating caviar with ketchup.
So he had said he was not perfect. I knew he wasn't perfect. His humanity implied as much, though it was sometimes hard to believe that he was indeed a mere mortal. But that still left that I was nowhere near as "imperfect" as he. I was to Edward, what Forks was to New York City. Might Forks be even in the vicinity of New York, it would be swallowed whole and probably become a neighbourhood where not even the police would visit at night. It would not become a new shining centre of cosmopolitanism and bright neon lights. It was stupid to even start being delusional about it. Yet, even though getting lost in Edward proved about as romantic as getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle, I couldn't stop wanting him. I hardly knew him. I didn't trust him, but was pulled to him. It was an all-encompassing pull, like fighting to swim against the current . I was losing the battle and it scared me shitless.
Somehow I found myself in the Quileute reservation. The car spluttered to a halt, exhausted it seemed from the whirlpool of my thoughts and I made my way to the garage, where I had spent almost all of my free time during my senior year talking, laughing, and fixing bikes. Where everything was as difficult as the next ignition problem or a missing screw. The place hadn't changed a bit. I found Jacob on his back under some car. He stuck out one arm, feeling the ground for one tool or another.
"What can I get ya?" I asked with a smile.
He jerked up, colliding his head with the belly of the car and let out a curse. I laughed while he struggled from underneath, a bear of a man. I sometimes forgot that he was actually younger than me.
"Well I'll be damned! Bella Swan!" He barely took the time to wipe his hands on a dirty rag before closing the distance between us in exactly three big strides and gathered me in a bone wrenching embrace.
"Jake! You'll get me all dirty!" I laughed struggling in his grip.
"City girl!" he winked as I pressed a kiss to his cheek. Finally, he set me back on the ground. Still grinning he let his gaze wander over me and I spun in a circle.
"It's really me."
"So I see. When was the last time you were here, Bells? Feels like a century."
"If it's been that, then I look damn fine," I quipped and he barked a laugh, flashing his pearly teeth. I let out a deep sigh as the calm of old times washed over me like a warm blanket.
"You do look damn fine." Jacob winked, leaning against the car he was fixing. I wrinkled my nose, stepping over some tools and let my hand run over his bike, remembering it was broken the last time I had seen him.
"Is it running again?" I asked.
"Yep. In the end, the culprit was just a blown fuse," he answered, but I hardly heard him. My thoughts were on the road, with the wind in my hair and the all encompassing roar of the engine soothing my frantic nerves.
"Don't even think about it, Bells. I love you, but I love myself more. If Charlie sees you on that bike, in the snow, it will be my intestines flying on the flag stick instead of the stars and bars tomorrow," Jacob warned and I couldn't help a pout. His stern face creased into grin and I chuckled.
"Come visit me in the summer. I'll take you for a ride. Maybe we can take a road trip down to Cali. " He looked at me, his eyes shimmering with excitement and he looked almost childlike again.
"Maybe…" I smiled. He opened his mouth, about to say something, but then closed it shaking his head.
"What?" I asked, but he didn't answer. Suddenly he was in front of me.
"Do you want to go for a walk?" He asked grabbing my hand. "Hit the beach?"
"It's cold…" I whined, but he had already pulled me out the door.
I sunk deeper in my coat, trying to hide my nose from the freezing wind before it could fall off. Jacob chuckled, wearing nothing but a ratty sweater, the sleeves pushed up over his bronze arms.
"How is it possible that you don't have hypothermia?" I asked my teeth clattering a bit as I spoke.
"It's a bit chilly, I suppose."
I gave him a pointed look and he shrugged, grinning as a gust of wind blew up his shoulder length raven hair. I smiled.
"I like your hair long."
He used to wear it long, but then a few summers ago he'd gotten a buzz. And though I was not into the whole hippy thing, it suited him so well to have his locks long.
"I know." He returned my smile.
For a while we walked in silence. I tripped a total of three times over nothing but sand and Jacob did the best he could to hold in his laughter. The fourth time my feet tangled together and I grabbed on to him for support he broke down. He threw his head back and laughed.
"My god… it gets worse with age, doesn't it?" he asked slinging an arm around me and practically carrying me to a boulder that had so often functioned as our bench.
I harrumphed, but couldn't hide my smile.
"So… how is your bookstore doing?" he asked once I was seated, my legs swinging back and forth, not reaching the ground as if I were a little child.
"It's okay… not actually making a profit yet, but it's all according to plan so far."
"I'm proud of you, Bells." He nudged my shoulder with his and I nudged back with a smile.
"Though you know," he continued, "instead of selling books to those stuck up Satellites or whatever they are called down there, you could sell them to little town's folk. Educate Forks."
"Seattleites." I chuckled and he mouthed a cheeky whatever. "And you'd actually buy books at my shop?"
"Uhm…sure."
"You'd buy Keats or Blake from me," I deadpanned, raising a sceptical eyebrow.
"Why not?" He shrugged.
"You'd read Keats or Blake?"
"As if! I have no time for dead poets."
I let out a sound laugh and lay my head on his strong shoulder.
"I'd starve here!"
"I'd never let you starve," he replied putting his arm around me and pressing me closer to him.
"I missed you," I sighed, watching the waves crashing ashore. It was the truth. It was odd how I didn't realise how much, till I was back. I missed the effortless banter. His macho-coated sweetness and friendship.
"I missed you, too, Bella. You don't know half how much," he replied.
"Enough to let me ride the bike?"
"Over my dead body."
I chuckled, then shivered.
"I know you have lava in your veins, but I'm cold," I stated, hopping off the boulder without falling.
"I'm impressed." Jacob grinned at my achievement, and I stuck out my tongue before grabbing his hand and swinging our arms between us as we let the wind blow us back to his home.
The parking lot of Sue's home was stacked with cars and I could hear the loud cheers that were coming from inside. The football game had clearly started. Charlie actually hopped from one foot to the other as he waited for me to sort out the groceries.
"Just go." I laughed finally locating the bottle of wine and trying to fit it in the paper bag without squishing the rest of the products.
"No, it's fine." Charlie shook his head. Another cheer erupted and I actually thought that it would take out the windows. Distress coloured Charlie's face and he finally broke down. "
Okay, I may go see."
"Go see." I shook my head with a chuckle and gathered the paper bag in my arms closing the trunk of my car, following him inside the house. A myriad of aromas lured me in and I realised I could not wait to taste Sue's cookery. Sue Clearwater whirled through the hallway, wiping her hand on a bright red apron.
"Seth, I'm not telling you again! Move your car out of the way!"
"In a minute!" Seth's muffled shout returned. "Come on… Come on!"
"In a minute you won't have a car to move!" Sue threatened and I had to smile at the tiny woman's authority. She flung her long thick braid over her shoulder and stopped dead in her tracks when she finally noticed my presence. Her face lit up as she grabbed my shoulders.
"Bella, there you are! I already scolded Charlie for leaving you behind!" She kissed my cheek and ran her hand through my hair in a motherly fashion. I didn't mind. I smiled.
"I told him to go inside before he would pace a hole in the garden."
"Men and football…" Sue shook her head. "Useless! Let me take that so you can take off your coat." I passed her the paper bag and shrugged out of my parka, hanging on the straining coat rack.
"Those are for you." I nodded towards the bag.
"Oh! That's so nice of you, Bella!" She exclaimed peeping inside it.
"Well…it's from Dad and me. He picked the wine."
"How long did it take him?"
"About twenty minutes, before he groaned and grabbed a random bottle off the shelf."
Sue let out a melodious laugh as her dark eyes filled with warmth.
"Sounds like Charlie. Come. The girls are in here." I followed her into the kitchen where I found Leah and a girl whose face I faintly remembered from the reservation, yet could not match it with a name.
"Anna, I don't think you two have met," Sue said," This is Charlie's daughter, Bella. Anna is Seth's girlfriend."
With a faint blush Anna proffered her hand and I took it with a smile. She had the bronze Quileute skin and the raven hair. Hers was cut in a playful bob with one bright red lock, but it was her eyes, an icy blue, that instilled in her a mystic beauty.
"She's gorgeous, isn't she?" Seth suddenly quipped from the doorway and Anna's face darkened a couple of shades. Little, gangly, happy-go-lucky Seth, who by now had to be at least six feet five, grinned from ear to ear and winked at his girlfriend. I chuckled.
"How are you doing, Seth?" I asked.
"I'm…" He glanced at his mother. "going to move my car!" And he was off. I shook my head. He obviously hadn't changed all that much.
I shifted my gaze to Leah, quietly regarding us from the stove where she stirred something. She looked even more beautiful than I remembered. I had always envied her exotic exquisiteness, but on top of that she glowed. She glowed as if her skin had been cast in to copper. There was none of the sadness that had lingered for years after she had lost the love of her life to another woman. They were sparkling, dark and warm. And then I noticed what it was that made her radiate. The curve hugging dress she wore stretched over one curve that had not been there the last time I had see her, a protruding belly.
"It's been forever, Bella!" she exclaimed letting go of the ladle and striding up to me to wrap me in her arms. I couldn't even take a breath to reply. I froze in her embrace. Just for a moment, till I attuned to the new found affection. I never had real problems with Leah, but she had not exactly been my best friend. Not even a friend to begin with, more like an acquaintance that never really paid attention to me. And after having heard her sad story from Jacob, I couldn't really blame her for being sour. Now even more so than ever. We were so similar in our heartache, bereft and mangled. The difference was that Leah was something I was not. Brave. Stronger than I could ever be. It took incredible strength to stand at the altar, not as the bride of the man you love, but as the bridesmaid of the woman that took him away and that's exactly what she had done. She had swallowed her pride and accepted that her boyfriend of five years was in love with her cousin even though the pain had been all consuming.
Nevertheless, time seemingly healed her wounds and before me stood a whole new person. A woman who bore a pressing resemblance to a familiar shadow familiar shadow from many moons ago.
"Yeah, at least two years, no?" I asked as she released me and took a step back, nodding her head with a smile. I tried to remember whether I had ever seen her smile. I would have certainly remembered if I had, for she was luminous when she did.
"I think…congratulations are in order?" I glanced down at her bump and back up. She smiled resting one hand on her stomach.
"Little boy, due in March. But don't tell that to my husband. He's been plugging his ears since the last ultrasound." She winked. Leah winked. I was still getting used to this new cosmic equilibrium.
Then a loud rumble, which could only be ascribed to Jacob's Harley Sprint, reverberated in the evening sky. Not much later, Jacob, stepped through the door.
"Howdy, folks!" He exclaimed as he flashed a blinding smile.
"If it isn't our Southern brother." Leah rolled her eyes.
"We're celebrating Thanksgiving, Leah. Not exactly Native history friendly. We should toss Bella out, too! Not to forget your Oyrish husband!" Jacob winked.
"Don't be a chancer, Jake." An unfamiliar man suddenly appeared in the doorway, his voice wrapped up in a distinct Irish accent. He had reddish hair and light humour filled eyes, his were cheeks rosy and his demeanour kind. He looked like someone Jacob could easily snap in two, but from the look he gave him, I took it Jacob liked him.
"Just sayin', Alex, just sayin'…" Jacob shrugged, as Alex slung his arms around Leah and kissed her ear. I couldn't help but feel a tiny sting of jealousy. If she was happy, why couldn't I be?
"Move it boys!" Sue ordered pushing her way past Seth and Jacob, who folded his massive body in one of the kitchen chairs, to open the oven. The smell of the Sue's dish nearly knocked us off our feet. And as the party moved into the dining room I couldn't take my eyes off Leah, content and adored in the arms of her husband.
Sleep would not take me and I rolled on my back staring at the ceiling. I let out a sigh, the hundredth that day it seemed and watched the shadows dance on my walls as the wind violently swept over the tree branches outside. I felt a surge of air graze my arm when another gust hit the poorly isolated window and snuck it back under the covers. I sighed. Then I turned on the bed light and picked up my worn copy of Catch-22. I pulled out the old candy wrapper that functioned as a bookmark and started reading. And the more I read the more fed up I got. With Leah, with Daniel, with myself, with Edward. With the whole idiotic situation that deprived me of sleep. It had to stop. Right now. I tossed the novel aside and grabbed my phone from the nightstand finding Edward's name and pressing the call button. It rang once, twice, three times. It wasn't until the sixth ring that Edward answered.
"Hello?" He growled. It was all the time I needed to gather enough air for the tirade that was about to come.
"You are right," I said in the phone, "I don't know you and I assume things. But you can't blame me for logical conclusions! No one wants me for a reason, Edward! Except for you, who is crazy for wanting me. And I can't deal with a crazy man! Not right now. Not ever. You are driving me insane! You are bloody Yossarian to my bloody Luciana!"* I took a deep breath, my heart raging in my chest as the other side was silent. Entirely silent.
"Bella?" he eventually asked in a bewildered hoarse voice that would indicate he had been sleeping prior to my call.
"Yes! Bella!"
"Are you drunk?" he asked. I furrowed my brow, frustration boiling in my veins.
"No, I'm not!" I shot back, mentally adding that I could just as well be crazy instead.
"It's 3.43 am," he sighed and I heard the dull thump that somehow told me he let his head fall back in the pillows. I imagined him running a hand over his face, his fingers lingering on the bridge of his nose.
"Yeah," I replied meekly, both my bravery and my vexation shrivelling into a pathetic little ball in a matter of seconds. Another silence set in as I chewed on my lip.
"So…" Edward stretched the 'o', his voice raw and low raking over my skin. "Attribute this to the hour if you like, but what the fuck?"
"I'm sorry," was my automatic response and my finger already twitched to end the call.
"Don't you dare hang up on me!" He threatened, "You can't drop a bomb on me at four in the morning and then run away. That's not how it works…" His sigh was followed by a soft click, perhaps the bed light, and the rustling of sheets.
"Enlighten me, Bella," he requested softly. "Enough with the cryptic rants, enough with the running. I'm tired. Aren't you tired? Can we for once speak in English? Just…make me understand."
The problem was that I didn't understand it myself. He seemed to invoke every instinct of self-preservation and annihilate them at the very same time. And I was left hot and cold, surrounded by both darkness and light, nauseous from too much, and yet craving more. There were Error, Abort, and Escape signs flashing everywhere and I could not locate the Ctrl+Alt+Del buttons for the life of me. I couldn't reboot. I was just…stuck; stuck and afraid that if I pulled the plug, I wasn't going to be able to start up again, but I was tired. Tired of being angry, of being sad, of being afraid. I didn't want to be afraid of Edward. So far he had given me no reason to other than simply existing and I could imagine that he was frustrated with me as well. If anything, his understanding for not understanding me was epic. Any other guy strange enough to show interest up to this point had left the building after reading the "elevator out of order" sign. Dating had not been my forte. Yet, Edward didn't seem to mind to climb the steps…even if they led to a merely mediocre view.
I frowned. Perhaps that was the problem. He didn't realise this. He expected something grand and was going to be disappointment. He wouldn't be the first… But how could I let him know? I liked him. A lot. Too much for my own good, or his… I liked him enough to not make him go through all the trouble for nothing. And so I told him. I told him about my sophomore year and the Introduction to Literary Study course. It had been my favourite not just because of the vast array of books we covered, but because of the lecturer, Daniel Cooper. He was young, beautiful, and very popular amongst the female student body of the University of Washington. Yet, of all his admirers he chose me, the shy girl in the back of the class room, who eagerly listened, took notes, but didn't actually like to be on the front and centre during discussions. But Daniel coaxed me out of my shell, encouraged me to write. The first time he told me I was beautiful, I didn't know what to do with myself. The second time I was drunk and kissed him. He had kissed me back. For weeks he would make my heart flutter with text messages and little notes, he would smile at me in class, and sneak me off to some secluded corner to whisper sweet things in my ear and kiss me senseless. I was overwhelmed, afraid of what would happen if anyone found out. On the other hand I didn't care because he made me feel like a goddess. He was the first guy I loved, for whom I had lied to my closest friends, for whom I had disregarded myself. It was all new to me, all a pink haze.
I took in a quivering breath curling my legs under the blanket. The other end of the line was silent and I wondered whether Edward was still there.
"What happened?" he asked softly, indicating his presence and I swallowed back the urge to cry.
"I loved him, and he said he loved me, but it turned out he also loved his wife back in New York. And when I wanted to confront him about it I found out that he loved my roommate, too. Like, one blow was not enough. He loved her so much that he couldn't find a more discrete place to undress her than our dorm." Bitter tears blurred my vision and left searing traces on my cheeks. I tasted the salty bitterness of anger on my tongue and my hand shook as I lifted it to wipe my eyes.
"I gave him everything I had!" My voice broke in a sob. "Everything! And he was so fantastic that it would have been a crime to not share it with the rest of the world. Spread that love! Was that what you wanted to hear, Edward? Well there you have it. I was fucked over by a guy. I'm not the first, the last, or the only one, but you know what? It hurts! I'm sorry that I cannot just…jump back into the dating pool like everyone expects me to. I'm not a yoyo! When I hit bottom I don't miraculously bounce back!"
I was yelling at him now, but it was not from anger as much as I wished it to be. It was from pain. A deep raw pain that felt as fresh as the day it was inflicted. When the stream of words faded it was replaced by a tidal wave of fresh tears. I lay on my side, my knees pressed to my chest and the phone laying in my open hand on the pillow and cried. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore. I was empty, hollow. The wind howling outside reverberated in my soul.
With a last shaky breath I pushed myself on my arms, my body heavy with the lead of sadness and sat up. I had all but forgotten about my phone and the conversation pending. Edward had yet to say anything. Even if he had I most likely wouldn't have heard him. I picked up the phone and put it to my ear, trying to swallow the feeling of cotton balls in my mouth but not entirely able to do so.
"Edward?" My vocal chords did not entirely manage to utter his name without shakiness and I swallowed again.
"Bella," he replied. No question mark. Bella, full stop; his voice soft yet unwavering.
"I'm sor-" I started. He deserved an apology. It was after all not him I was yelling at. He deserved one, but he didn't take it.
"Don't," he pleaded.
I bit my lip, waiting for his reaction, going through at least a couple hundred of them in my mind. His silence fuelling increasingly more ridiculous thoughts.
"Are you going to say something?" I asked eventually, unable to contain my jitteriness.
He sighed, a heavy loaded sigh, before stunning me with his monosyllabic response. "No"
No. I had yelled at him for half an hour, then cried for another half hour and he wasn't going to say anything. I stared into space blankly unsure of what to make of it. Relief? Hurt?
"Oh…"
"There is nothing I can say. Am I grateful that you told me? Yes. Can I thank you for something that hurts you so much to share? No. Am I sorry that this happened to you? More than words can express... So I'm not going to say anything, because I can't. Not right now."
Another silence set in. It seemed there was nothing left to say and yet neither of us felt ready to hang up. I was dead tired, but knew there was no way I would fall asleep now. I couldn't sleep when it felt like the room was filled with big clouds of my pain and the walls appeared to press it tighter and tighter around me.
"How do you feel about catching the sunrise?" Edward asked frowning as I struggled to understand the meaning of his words.
"What?" I croaked rubbing my eyes to rid the feeling of sand in them.
"I want to get out of the house." He vocalised my thoughts without realising it, but I foresaw a little difficulty.
"You're in Seattle."
"We can meet halfway." He resolved the issue in the blink of an eye. We could, but I wasn't sure I wanted to face him now. I'd been burnt and I didn't want him to touch me for fear that it would hurt more. I couldn't possibly foresee my reaction if I were to see him face to face. But I was going to suffocate in this room if I didn't leave soon.
"Do you know where Discovery Bay is?" I asked.
"No, but I'll find you."
I wondered if he could.
The sky had already transformed from a flat pitch-black into a canvas of lapis lazuli and thulian pink as I drove the last miles to the small bay adjoining the Strait of Juan de Fuca on the Olympic Peninsula, almost to the mile half the road to Seattle. My hands were tightly curled around the wheel, the Chevy purring in satisfaction despite the hour. I wasn't worried I was going to fall asleep. I was wide awake when I saw a lone car parked at the small parking lot directly next to the road. My headlights bathed it in a sea of light as I pulled in and it was undoubtedly a Volvo. Edward's Volvo. He had found me. And just when I thought I could cry no longer, new tears welled up. I let out a bitter laugh wiping them with the back of my hand and took in a couple of deep quivering breath.
My hands remained clasped around the wheel after I had killed the engine and the lights. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to calm down. I had not driven 90 miles to bawl my eyes out. I had done plenty of that at home. No, I was meeting him halfway. He had travelled his half and I needed to take the last steps to finish travelling mine.
"Stop it!" I ordered myself and sniffled. Then I filled my lungs and let the long breath ride out again. When I opened my eyes I saw Edward leaning against the hood of his car. My heart jumped in my chest. It was as if he had appeared out of thin air, yet he looked like he had been sitting there all along, regarding me from a distance.
"Breathe…" I muttered and got out of the car.
The frosty air hit me in the face, forcing a gulp of oxygen down my throat as I dug my hands in the pockets of my jacket. Edward locked eyes with me, silently willing me to come to him and my body complied, the soles of my boots crunching on the pebbles of the parking lot as I slowly but surely closed the distance between us. His hands were stuffed deep in the pockets of his parka, his shoulders squared against the wind. I stopped a few feet from him, surprised that my heart did not beat wildly in my chest, yet the tight feeling remained. Edward stuck out his hand, palm facing upward and I stared at it for a moment before placing my own hand in his grip. He pulled gently till I was standing in between his legs and his other hand found my waist in the confines of my open coat. My head found his chest and I didn't fight his touch when his fingers untangled the messy locks of my hair, ran over my blotchy cheek, and my jaw. I let out a sigh and closed my eyes, his slow steady heartbeat soothing me.
"Thank you," he said softly against the top of my head.
"For what?" I asked.
"For letting me hold you."
All my determination to keep the valves of my tear ducts closed crumpled.
"I'm sorry for being horrible to you," I croaked as new tears followed the paths left by old ones.
"What did I tell you, silly girl?" he asked in my hair. "Don't apologise; not for hurting because of that …guy." The last word was spoken with cold bitterness as his grip around me tensed, his hand curling in a fist on my back and then he exhaled, his stance relaxing somewhat as his fingers flared out over the small of my back again. My own hands dared to seek warmth inside his parka. I laid them against his sides and blushed faintly, realising I had never touched him like this before.
"Is this okay?" I asked quietly.
"More than okay," Edward replied. "Much more pleasant than champagne down one's trousers."
I chuckled through my tears, looking up at him.
"This has been a mess from day one," I sighed. It was epic how much of a mess this was, how much of a mess I was.
"There are worse things to have poured over you." Edward shrugged.
"Like?"
He pursed his lips, squinting his eyes lightly as he thought. "Blood."
"Right." I smirked, my fingers clawing at the fabric of his sweater for a tighter grip. He flinched with a yelp and I jumped back only to be pulled back in his arms before I could realise what happened and then it downed on me, my watery grin growing.
"Are you ticklish?" I asked with a snivel.
"No comment…" Edward grunted.
"You are, aren't you…"
"You are missing the sunrise. It's beautiful." His attempt to change the subject was entirely unsuccessful.
"You are ticklish." I didn't know why this was such a revelation. Perhaps all this crying and yelling and crying some more had made me insane, but I started laughing. Hard. I laughed till my sides hurt, occasionally muffling my display in Edward's chest, letting it echo in to the frosty air in little condensed puffs. And when the wind changed direction, so did my mood. My sniggers turned into sobs as if I had absorbed the last of the dark of the night. I cried, dampening Edward's sweater, my hot tears soon turning icy on my face. I was spinning. Spinning out of control. Happy. Angry. Sad. Hurt. Grateful. Afraid. Amused. Confused… Spinning faster and faster.
Edward's fingers kept combing through my hair, occasionally swiping over my cheeks as he softly rocked me from side to side. He never spoke a word and he didn't need to. I was grateful for his touch, his smile, which expressed more than any amount of words could. For the way he made my heart beat faster when I had forgotten that it beat at al. For simply standing here with me, allowing me to be sad and angry and happy and everything in between without fussing.
Once my turmoil died down and I was left exhausted and limp against him, his lips moved to my ear and ever so softly his breath washed over it, carrying a glimpse of hope.
"You're going to be okay."
And I smiled tiredly, as a final sob slithered through me like the last bounce of the ball on the roulette table and all was quiet; around me, within me. It was light. Peaceful.
No matter the stakes, I was going to be okay.
A/N: * Yossarian and Luciana are characters from Joseph Heller's novel Catch-22. Luciana is convinced that Yossarian is crazy for wanting to marry her because she is not a virgin. She in turn cannot marry a crazy man (even though he is willing). It's circular logic that makes as little sense as Bella's rant.
