CHAPTER 8
I woke up Sunday morning feeling like I hadn't slept in weeks. The $330.00 I spent at The Elysian on Saturday morning was a complete waste of money. I was tense, had a pounding headache and felt like crying. I didn't remember getting into bed. Hell, I didn't even remember the drive home from Matt's house. All I remember was turning off my phone and leaving my clothes on the bathroom floor. Everything after that was a blur. I felt like I was suffering from a blackout without the benefit of having gotten blitzed off my ass. I glanced at the clock on the bedside table...3:15 AM...too early to call Em on a Sunday, but I needed to talk this out with her.
If I was really lucky and prayed really hard, maybe last night would turn out to be a dream, today would be Saturday and I could have my dinner with Matt all over again...without the passionate kiss. Jesus, that kiss...I could still feel the remnants of it. Matthew wanted me and I wanted him...so badly it actually hurt. Learning that Christie was the reason we didn't speak for sixteen years was both a relief and a torment. I told myself over and over that Matthew had forgotten about me. I tried to put him out of my mind, but I never could...even after Stephen and I were married, the memory of Matthew was always in the background. We had wasted so much time not knowing the real story and I think I had more questions now than I did before I knew the truth. Why hadn't Christie called me and why did she never tell Matt? Did I marry Stephen to fill the void that Matthew left in my life? Did Stephen cheat on me because he knew I didn't really love him? Is that why my marriage failed? Did Matthew still love me? Did I really still love Matthew? What do I tell Kelly? Do I even want to tell Kelly? My frigging head was spinning like a top.
I reached for my phone on the bedside table and turned it on. Three missed phone calls and three voicemail messages...one from Kelly, one from Matthew and one from Em...all after midnight. Did they really expect me to be awake at that hour? I could almost guess what the message from Matthew said... apologizing for his behavior, that he was angry with himself for the way he acted and could I forgive him. Em's message would be nosy, true to her nature..."Did you fuck?" would be the gist of it. I doubt Kelly would apologize for hanging up on me yesterday morning. His message was probably left in haste because he never expected to get my voicemail at that hour. In his mind, hearing my voicemail was equivalent with me being in Matt's bed and unwilling to answer my phone.
I listened to Kelly's first...
"Hey, Mads..it's Kelly. I'm sorry for hanging up earlier. I was just tired. I know you and Casey are just friends. I'm sure you've guessed that he's not my favorite person and the thought of you with him made me a little nuts, even if it was a perfectly innocent dinner. Hoping we can spend part of Sunday together, so call me when you get this, OK? Bye."
Jesus, he did apologize after all. I'm not sure I'd describe my evening with Matt as 'perfectly innocent', however. There was nothing innocent about the kiss we shared. I decided before I even called him that I would not tell him. It was just a kiss, after all...not sex. Matt and I have a history and Kelly knows that. A harmless kiss, that's all it was...that curled my toes and made my inner thighs twitch when I thought about. Jesus, I was in deep shit.
I listened to Matt's message next...
"Maddy...it's Matt. Please come back and talk to me. You left in such a hurry and there is so much more that we need to say to each other. I know it's late, but at least call me. I need to know you're alright..."
The sound of his voice pleading with made me tear up. What more could he possibly need to say to me? Like I said, I was in deep shit. I listened to Em's message...
"Madster! Talk to me, babes! How was the 'Maddy and Matt Show'? Did ya get naked and roll around? Call me tomorrow...OK, I guess it is tomorrow already...but not too early or I'll slap you when I see you. I love you, you bitch..."
She sounded drunk. No surprise there. It was Saturday night and a variety of liquor and beer was usually on her agenda, especially if she wasn't spending the evening with me. I thought I could hear a male voice in the background. Oh Christ, please don't let it be Michael...not again. He was a shit. Most men were in my opinion...they were all fucked up on some level...except my Dad. I couldn't deal with any of this now, so I got out of bed, took one of the sleeping pills my doctor in New York had prescribed while Stephen and I were going through the divorce and crashed back into bed.
I woke to a loud banging on my front door. I was groggy but could hear a voice yelling from my front porch. I looked at the clock through bleary eyes...11:45 AM...I'd slept for over eight hours. I got up, wrapped myself in a robe and went downstairs. There was Em, standing on my front porch with that ridiculous knit hat, waving a box of bagels in one hand and holding a paper tray with two cups of coffee in the other. I opened the door and let her in before the neighbors called the police to report a disturbance.
"Jesus, Madster...you look worse than I do," she said as she marched past me and into the living room. She set the food down on the coffee table, threw her coat on the floor and sat on my couch with a thud. She was like a human disaster area. She patted the cushion next to her.
"What?" I asked as I sat down. She handed me a cup of coffee.
"It's toasted sesame with strawberry jelly...your favorite," she said waving it under my nose. I hadn't eaten since last night and it was almost noon now, so I was hungry.
"Uh huh," I said, taking a bite.
"Come on, Madster! Tell me every detail...starting with what you had for dinner," she said as she took a bite of her bagel.
"Steak...we had steak," I said, still feeling slightly groggy.
"Was that the only meat you had last night, Ms. Coventry?" she said with a giggle.
"Jesus, Em...not everything is a dirty joke passed around in study hall. This is my grown-up, real life and it was going pretty goddamn good until about a week ago," I said sounding more angry than I expected to sound. Sometimes, her juvenile humor wore thin with me.
"I'm...I'm sorry, Mads...it was just a little joke," she said, sounding hurt.
"Not everything is funny, Emily," I said. She knew I was serious because I only called her by her full name when I was angry. I got up from the couch and walked to the dining room window and just stared blankly out through the glass. I watched the two kids next door playing tag in their backyard and I longed for the simplicity of a child's life. After a few minutes, Em walked up behind me. She put her head on my shoulder and lightly hugged me.
"I'm sorry, Mads...really I am," she said softly. I turned round to look at her and took a deep breath.
"Something happened last night...and before you ask, no it wasn't sex..." I said.
"OK, go on then," said Em. She was finally serious.
"We kissed. I know that doesn't sound exciting or even naughty. Old friends are allowed to kiss...but this kiss was slow and soft and deep and wet and I thought I would burst into flames," I said, quietly recalling the sensation he gave me.
"Handy...cos he's a firefighter," she said, smiling.
"You just couldn't resist one more, could you," I said, shaking my head.
"He kissed you...and..." she continued.
"He started to take things further, but I stopped him," I said.
"Good girl, but why? Oh wait...the med student. He's married?" she asked.
"No, he's not married. He and Hallie called it off. It's Kelly...I couldn't betray Kelly," I said. She nodded.
"Did Matt explain why he never contacted you?" she asked.
"Apparently, it was just miscommunication...after his father died, he asked his sister to call me, but she never did. It's complicated, Em," I said, not wanting to reveal Matt's family problems.
"Do you think he still loves you, Mads?" she asked.
"I don't know. If that kiss was any indication, then I would say 'Hell yes'," I said. I knew what question was coming next.
"And do you still love him?" she asked. Bingo. There it was. I knew the answer to the question, but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted Em to know. She was the best friend I had ever had and understood me better than anyone, but she was unhappy in her personal life and I always felt she was somewhat jealous of Kelly and me. If I told her I was still in love with Matt, would she use that against me? I wasn't sure of anything anymore.
"Kelly is the man that gave me heat and passion and fun again...He made me feel like a woman after so long of feeling inadequate. After my divorce, I was full of self-doubt and he knocked that out of me. I care about Kelly, but I don't see it going any further than that. I don't really know that he's capable of more. His lifestyle clashes with mine, Em...surely you can see that. I don't want to be just another in a long line of women," I said. I was crying now.
"And Matt?," she asked, holding my hand.
"Matthew is the man I've loved since I was eighteen, Em. He represents the happiest time in my life...before Stephen...before my Mom died. We had similar dreams. Being with him last night made me think we could have it all again, but..." I said, my voice trailing off. Just then, my doorbell rang. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and looked at Em. She got up and answered the door for me. I heard Kelly's voice.
"Hey, you..." said Kelly as he entered the living room. He was so beautiful and I was genuinely happy to see him. I slowly rose from the couch and walked over to him. Without saying a word, I wrapped my arms around his neck and he lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his lower back and kissed him.
"Miss me?" he asked, pulling away from my mouth and smiling.
"Take me to bed, Kelly," I whispered. I laid my head on his shoulder as he carried me up the stairs and into my bedroom. I needed him...or perhaps I needed to put out the fire that Matthew had ignited. I didn't care about Em still sitting in my living room. She would understand. I was officially between fire and ice...or Heaven and Hell...I wasn't entirely sure.
All I was sure of at this moment was that Kelly was here and he was mine. I needed to feel a man's arms around me who wouldn't confuse things or mess up my life by walking back into it and changing the landscape of it. The simplicity of our relationship is what I needed now and as he laid me down on my bed and moved his mouth over my breasts, the world and the memory of Matthew's kiss melted away.
"Hey..is everything OK?" asked Kelly, his eyes searching my face as he kissed my mouth.
"It is now," I said, kissing him back and spreading my legs wider. I wanted him...I needed him...and he was always willing to oblige. He made love to me slowly and tenderly...something I wasn't used to from him. I could feel a powerful orgasm slowly building and when it hit me, I bucked underneath him and dug my nails deep into the flesh of his back. He groaned and I could feel him empty inside me as he shuddered on top of me. He covered my face and neck with kisses, then slowly rolled me over on my side to face him. I buried my face into the base of his neck, tears spilling down my face.
"Mads...it's OK, baby...I'm here with you now," he said, tilting my face up to his. I tried to speak but no words would come. I could only manage to nod before being overtaken by sobs that began to wrack my body. Kelly pulled me close and held me tightly and all I could think was "Yes, you're here with me...but you're not him..."
