Shawna began blinking slowly. Had she fallen asleep? The only recollection she had was holding Judith and the nightmarish visions that swam in her mind. Had she passed out? How did she get to her cell? Who was asleep leaning against her bunk on the floor? She felt lethargic. Her arm felt heavy as she placed a hand on the man's shoulder. He woke with a start.
"Oh, geez, Shawna!" he said agitatedly. In a beat, he was aware that she was waking up from whatever delusional land she had strayed.
"Daryl?" she spoke with a raspy voice. The darkening skies created a gloom within the cell leaving her guardian in shadow. In a second, he was kneeling in front of her. Their faces were barely inches from each other.
"You a'right?" he asked her.
"Yeah, I'm okay." She went to sit up, but her body felt weighed down. Daryl assisted her to a sitting position. A memory stirred, a déjà vu effect. Those were the first words they had ever exchanged. "What happened? How did I get here?" she asked as she rubbed her arm.
"You don't remember?" he asked with concern. She shook her head. "You were sittin' with Rick holdin' Judith. Next thing I know, you were whizzin' by me. I found you in the showers," he answered her truthfully.
"I remember holding Judith," she started to say and distant look began to envelope her again. Daryl touched her arm. The gesture brought her back immediately. She looked at him with thanks.
"You hungry?" he asked.
"A little," she answered. "Hand me my backpack, please?" He did as she asked. Inside the pack she pulled out a partially eaten chocolate bar. She broke off a piece and ate it. She offered the last piece to Daryl. He gingerly accepted it. "The chocolate helps when my emotions get the better of me. I only use it for emergencies." He then handed the piece of chocolate back to her. She stared at his hand. She knew why he was handing it back to her, but she shook her head as she glanced at him. "No, you take it. You need it too." Finally, he ate it.
"You up for a watch?" he mentioned as he chewed. She nodded. It would help her to do something than think about what happened earlier. She wondered what had happened with Rick when she sprinted away from him. Maybe she would ask Daryl later. At least she felt lighter and not a dead weight, thanks to the chocolate.
"I'll get us somethin' to eat. Watch is soon," he informed her. She nodded and went to stand up. He kept a watchful eye on her to make sure she was steady. Shawna did not falter. He gave her a quick nod then left her. She was alone again.
Reaching into her backpack, she retrieved a bottle of water and drank deeply from it. Her throat was dry. She chanced a look in the mirror. The photo caught her eye. A recall flashed in her mind. Her trembling hands had held the picture too tightly. She had dropped it. Now, it was back where it had been. Shawna focused on her reflection. Clean jagged lines striped her face through the grime where tears had fallen. She found a rag in her bag and poured some of the water on it. She scrubbed at her face.
"You up for a visitor?" a hushed voice said from the doorway. She turned to see Rick looking guilty.
"Rick," she said softly as she dropped her rag on the metal table. She walked over to him and gave him a hug.
"Oh, Shawna," he sighed into her hair taking her into his arms. "I didn't…."
"No," she interrupted him. "You did nothing wrong. You didn't know, and neither did I." She gently touched his whiskered cheek. "She is a beautiful little girl and I would love to hold her again," she remarked.
"I thought I lost you," he said.
"I'm still here," she returned.
It was not what Rick had meant.
"I'm glad you're okay," Rick told her instead. "Have you eaten? I could get you something."
"No, that's okay. Daryl is getting something so we can take it with us on watch," she informed him.
"Daryl?" he said distantly. "Are you sure you're okay to go on watch?"
"Yeah, it shouldn't be a problem," she said seeing the concern in his face. "I'm okay, Rick, really." Shawna touched his shoulder then looked over it. Daryl was standing behind Rick.
"Gotta go," she said as she gently squeezed Rick's arm. She pushed passed him. He remained in the cell while Shawna and Daryl walked down the stairs for their watch duty.
"Everything okay with Rick?" Daryl asked suspiciously when they were out of earshot. Shawna missed the tone.
"Yeah," she said tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as they made their way out to the repaired guard tower. "I think he was worried that he had caused my meltdown. It's nothing that anyone did. It just ̶ happens. Like the other day, when you found me in the showers; I did that to myself. Memories plague me. I know I'm not the only one. I think they affect me differently."
She turned to look at him as they walked. He was processing what she was telling him. She chuckled in amusement. He looked at her not understanding what was so funny.
"In the normal world, I guess I could be clinically insane," she offered with a smile. It faded quickly and she added, "I guess we all could be in one way or another."
At that point, they had just entered the doorway of the tower and made their way up the steps. They stood looking out into the darkness of the night keeping a watchful eye for suspicious activity that was not walker related. Daryl handed her a small bag of dried apples. They stood in the quiet eating.
"You said you grew up in Georgia. Did you have any other siblings other than Merle?" she asked breaking the silence. She still wanted to get to know him better. Friendship and family was what kept everyone together and continuing on. Strengthening her relations within the group would replace the loneliness she felt for so long.
"Nah, it was just Merle and me," he replied.
"Have you gone anywhere other than Georgia?" she asked.
"No," he answered shortly. He chewed on his food.
"Never went on vacation?"
"Nope," he shrugged. "You?"
"I lived in the same house for 22 years," she said. "My family and I vacationed in various places each summer. Nothing extravagant. I always wanted to move though. I was so excited to get my own place. Told myself I would either keep moving around or travel." She chuckled. "What I wouldn't give to be able to relax in one spot now."
She absentmindedly observed movement in the darkness. She paused for a moment. It was a walker. Animals were cautious, starting and stopping their movements. Living humans moved and stopped for longer periods of time. Walkers always ambled on until something got in their way. Shawna turned back to Daryl.
"What kinds of things did you do as a kid?" she asked.
"The usual. Road bikes in the street. Played baseball and street hockey," he said softly.
"That sounds like fun. My friends and I played with Barbies. I hated it. When I was by myself, I would get out my big yellow dump truck and dig dirt from my mother's garden," she admitted.
"A dump truck?"
"Yeah. It was my favorite toy. I used to put dirt in it, wheel it around the yard, then dump it back in the hole. Then dig a new hole and do the same thing," she said smiling sweetly at the remembrance. "Did you have a dump truck?" she asked. He shook his head. "Did you have many toys growing up?" Again, he shook his head. She had figured he came from a mediocre background but knowing that just solidified it.
Shawna could see Daryl was withdrawing into himself again. He just stared out into the night. Again, his jaw muscles were working. His silence made her nervous. Sometimes when she was nervous, she just spoke and rambled. "I grew up as an only child. You already know where. My parents were decent. My mom worked for the state government office and my dad was a high school teacher. And, I had various pets as a kid." She didn't want to go into too many details. She didn't want him to feel inferior to her for not having the same lifestyle.
"What were your parents like?" she gently pressed. She saw him flinch the slightest bit. He glared at her for a time. Shawna could see something was troubling Daryl. He was too quiet.
"What're ya doin'?" Daryl asked heatedly.
"I…I…just," she stammered not understanding why he was angry with her. She thought she was asking a simple question.
"What do ya want from me?" he said forcefully. He saw the surprise in her eyes.
"I'm just . . .," she didn't know what to say. His demeanor filled her with consternation. She decided not to say anymore to him. He was obviously agitated by something. She shook her head and mumbled, "Never mind." Maybe trying to have a relationship with Daryl was a poor idea. It seemed to just lead to complications and arguments. She heaved a sigh and turned from him concentrating on the tree line. Again, she felt humiliated and lost.
"I don't talk about myself," he stated firmly. "I don't get close to no one," he said to her turned back.
"Fine," she finitely stated.
Shawna didn't hear him approach behind her. Daryl grabbed her and turned her around abruptly. He stared at her with a clenched fist. He started to raise his hand. She thought he was going to hit her. She closed her eyes ready for the blow. Instead, he loosened his grip on her arm and caressed her cheek. At first, she recoiled at his touch but slowly, she opened her eyes in bewilderment. She could see his frustrated anger melt into tenderness.
"You . . . are so . . . different," he said gruffly.
She mistook his comment as a statement against her character and managed to utter a soft, "Oh."
"You draw things outta me," he said calmly. "I don't even know why I tell you the things I do. I wanna tell you 'em. I wanna be . . . close to you. With you, I'm . . . different too." He stepped back from her.
Shawna was completely taken aback by his confession. It had been there the entire time but masked by his roughness. Now, she understood why everyone thought she was getting between Daryl and Carol. It had not been her intension at all. Daryl was the one always coming to her. He had always been there, when she broke down in the shower room, by her side in all their tasks, and again holding her when nightmares clouded her mind.
As they stood there, a pang of guilt hit the pit of Shawna's stomach. With his admission to what she assumed was attraction, she suspected that Daryl did not have strong feelings for Carol. If Carol found out about his feelings, what would she do? Would she accept that Daryl doesn't feel the same way she does? Then there was Rick, whom she liked very much. The times he was with her, he seemed his happiest. Two flames fueled the fire within her, but eventually one would put out the other. She would have to extinguish one before that could happen.
"To answer your question," he said pulling out a cigarette, "Our mom was a decent person. Her addiction got the better of her sometimes. She was never very lovin', never hugged us or nothin' like that. My dad wouldn't allow it. Said it would make us weak. She fell asleep smokin'," he remembered as he stared at his own cigarette. "House went up in flames, and her with it. After that, . . ." The break in his story marked the difficulty it was to admit the hardships he endured as a child. She stepped closer to him, staring into his eyes. He puffed on his cigarette shaking his head.
"Hey, you can tell me anything," she said cordially. He nodded and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.
"My dad," he grimace, "beat us, Merle, my mom before she died, and me." He didn't continue and he didn't need to. She could feel his hatred as he stiffened. Shawna's brow furrowed in anger. Children were so innocent and to destroy that was heartbreaking. She took hold of both his arms gingerly.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that," she said tenderly. "No child should have to endure that."
Daryl bent his head down leaning his forehead against hers. He delicately brought his hand up and held the back of her neck. She closed her eyes relishing in the touch. A callused hand touched her cheek and a thumb rubbed her slightly parted lips. A flare rose within her chest radiating out to her extremities. The heel of his hand hitched under her chin rolling her head upward. Their noses pressed oddly together, their lips precariously close. Hot breath filled the space between them. Shawna pushed forward slightly letting their mouths brush against each other. It was a tease. She wanted to know he was something he wanted. It must have been because in the next moment their lips were entwined in a luscious fury. A groan escaped his throat. She sucked in a gasp. He pulled her even closer to him. Her hands clutched the back of his shirt as blood rushed through her. The kiss relinquished all the tension that had held between them.
A murmur of voices and crunching of shoes on cement brought the two out of their entanglement quickly. Daryl pulled away warily. Shawna looked out into the darkness and saw the next pair for watch duty. She gently touched her mouth still feeling the remnants of his touch. A small smile crept over her lips. As Maggie and Glenn climbed the stairs, Daryl moved a few steps away from her. She shoved her hands into her back pockets.
"Hey, guys," Glenn said.
"Hey," Shawna returned. Daryl only grunted.
"Hey, Daryl, are we making a run tomorrow afternoon?" Glenn asked him.
"Yeah," he responded nodding and looking a bit suspicious. He stared at Shawna's boots.
"Just wanted to know before tomorrow and the other committee members were already asleep, including Hershel," Glenn said. Then he noticed the awkwardness between Daryl and Shawna. "Is…everything all right?" Glenn asked looking between the two. He suspected they had another quarrel.
"Yup," Shawna answered trying desperately to suppress a smile by pinching her lips together tightly. Glenn and Maggie looked back and forth between the two trying to read their body language. Shawna was uncharacteristically calm and Daryl had a peculiar disposition.
"Anything happen out there?" Maggie asked.
"Nope," Daryl responded. With that, Daryl moved towards the exit.
"Have a good night," Shawna said before she followed Daryl down the stairs.
"Yeah, you too," Maggie called after them.
Maggie and Glenn couldn't see it, but a grin spread from ear to ear across Shawna's face.
"It already has been," she whispered to herself when she walked out the door at the bottom of the stairs.
Quickening her pace allowed Shawna to catch up to Daryl just before getting to the prison door and she entered just after him. They walked in silence back to their cell. Daryl hung his crossbow from the usual corner. He moved to the back of the cell to allow Shawna to have access to the bunk. She shoved her rifle underneath the bunk and inadvertently looked in his direction.
"Come 'ere," he muttered beckoning her towards him. She slowly walked further into the shadows with him. He grabbed her waist pulling her towards him. He softly kissed her then looked into her eyes. "Not a word to Carol." She swallowed hard.
"I wouldn't dream of it," she replied seriously.
"Good," he said as he drew his mouth to hers losing the last consonant of the word. "What about Rick?" he asked breathily once he relinquished her once more.
"Not much to say, other than we understand each other. We both need something but have never acted on it," she claimed.
"Even better," he said joining their mouths anew.
Shawna surrendered to his need. Her body relaxed in his embrace. His mouth worked against hers to settle an emptiness that they both possessed. The darkness wrapped around them, camouflaging their desire. In the back of their minds they knew they would not be able to show this sort of affection when the sun rose. They gripped onto each other tighter savoring the moment. Eventually, they went to bed in their separate bunks only to pine for their next opportunity to touch.
