Chapter 7
"I was trying to feel some kind of good-bye. I mean I've left schools and places I didn't even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don't care if it's a sad good-bye or a bad good-bye, but when I leave a place I like to know I'm leaving it. If you don't you feel even worse." - The Catcher in the Rye
3 Years Later
I had finally moved on with my life. Was it hard? Yes. Was it beyond painful? Hell, yes. Was it worth it? I wasn't quite sure just yet.
I sat contentedly on the floor of my bedroom sorting my most prized possessions into categories.
'Should I go by year, genre, or personal preference?'
My inner debate was suddenly interrupted, "Bella? Did you remember to pick up the extra boxes from the store?" Renee's voice echoed from down the hall and I couldn't help but smile at my mother's attempt to be responsible.
I rolled my eyes playfully in response to her concern, "Yes, Mom. I'm using them to pack up my books now." I delicately pulled my favorite novels from the shelf above my desk and placed them gently in the box in question. Personal preference had won out. The hot Florida sun shone through the orange curtains of my bedroom, and I couldn't help but glance forlornly out the window at the beach that was steps from our backyard.
'I'm really going to miss this.' I was suddenly filled with melancholy at the thought of leaving home once again.
I had made the difficult decision three years ago to move to Jacksonville and to the sanctuary of my mother's house. The moment we had laid eyes on each other that November day, we had both burst into tears. Hers in elation at being reunited, mine were in relief at escaping. I had never been happier to see my mother than I had been the moment I stepped off that plane. If she hadn't helped me gather up the broken pieces I'm not sure where I'd be.
The transition to life with my mother hadn't been the easiest. During my first six months in Jacksonville I still struggled with bouts of sadness, and I knew she was aware of me sometimes crying myself to sleep. While I had been living in Forks, sleep was my only friend and my dreams had been a place of escape, a place where they never left. When I landed in Florida, those dreams transformed into nightmares. I woke up screaming almost every night, the mark on my shoulder burning white hot.
'Why do I still feel it?' Tears of frustration and exhaustion seared my cheeks night after night.
Not only had distance not helped but I also could never remember what was occurring in my nightmare that caused me to wake screaming. All I could see was the forests of Forks stretching infinitely around me, and then I'd wake up shrieking in a cold sweat. This went on for more time than I'd like to admit. It was frustrating, humiliating, and I knew I was disrupting more than just my sleeping pattern. The dark circles under both Phil's and Renee's eyes had been a testament to that.
I would always remember the night they had stopped. It was the night before my high school graduation and my mom had decided to stay up late talking to me about my future. We were curled up together under an old saddle blanket on the worn out sofa in our living room. While my mother had always been free spirited and not very philosophical, she would randomly have these moments of wise lucidity. These moments were few and far between but each one was forever engraved into my memory.
"Bella," She started hesitantly, glancing down at me in uneasiness. "Honey, why won't you face your fears?"
I peered up at my mother in confusion, "What do you mean?" For me, the comment had come way out of left field and I wasn't sure what she was getting at. The look my mother gave me showed an understanding I hadn't seen in a long time and I found myself shifting uncomfortably underneath the blanket. I hated that look. It meant that she was very much aware of something that should be very obvious to me.
She smiled knowingly at me, "Your nightmares. You were always such a brave little girl, never afraid of the boogeyman or the dark." Renee grinned as she spoke in fondness of my younger self. "I remember once, when you were around ten. You had this recurring nightmare about a big bad wolf that was chasing you." I sat stunned for a moment at the mention of the dream I had long forgotten. It had been caused by a story Jacob and his sister had told me one summer when I had visited Forks. My life really had come full circle. "Anyway, I remember being really worried until one morning I woke up to you sleeping peacefully in your bed. No nightmares, no crying, just a full night's sleep. I'll never forget the proud grin on your face when you told me you had faced your fear and the dream had stopped." She let out a short chuckle at the memory, a look of nostalgia on her face.
"I forgot about that." I mentioned sadly, as I played absentmindedly with a loose thread. I suddenly felt ashamed for allowing myself to live like this and for dragging Renee into it. She had opened her home to me and I had done nothing but disrupt it.
Renee placed her hand on my knee in comfort, "Sometimes we just have to be reminded of the inner strength we have. You can conquer this." With a soft kiss on the crown of my head she stood up from the couch and let out a large yawn. Her arms stretched high above her head. "I'll see you in the morning, honey." She gave me an encouraging smile and I soon heard the soft closing of her bedroom door.
That night, I took the advice of my ten year old self and faced my fears. When my head hit the pillow it didn't take long for the dream to engulf me once again. This time, however, I was very much aware of where I was and of my surroundings. It was a typical gray day and there was no sign of sunshine anywhere. It was cold and a light drizzle fell against my skin. I tried to figure out if I recognized where I was but I just couldn't place it. Everywhere I turned looked the same and since I couldn't see the sun I wasn't able to pinpoint direction. At the realization that I was alone once again in the forests of Forks, panic started to set in. Nothing moved, there was no sound, it was only me encompassed in a maze of trees. Never able to escape my loneliness.
'I'm trapped.'
My heart began to speed up and my breathing suddenly became rapid. This is when I began to scream every night. It was caused by the feeling of entrapment and the sudden understanding that I could never truly leave Forks. The difference was, this night, I was ready to escape. I had to calm down or I would never be rid of these nightmares. I took a few relaxing breaths and started to take a look around me. Now that I had collected myself something about where I stood seemed familiar and I knew if I could just figure out where I was I could find my way out.
"Bella…"
My head immediately snapped around in alarm at the sound of the voice.
'I know that voice.'
Chills began to run up my spine and the mark pulsed in longing.
"Isabella…" The voice was as smooth as I remembered and I found myself drawn instantly toward it. I began moving further and deeper into the forest, following his voice in yearning.
'Stop!' My subconscious shouted loud in alarm. My steps came to an immediate halt in awareness of what I was doing. Following his voice was what had caused this mess in the first place. I shook my head in frustration at my actions and my willingness to go toward what would only cause more pain. I slowly and reluctantly turned to head back the way I had come. I had to find a way out. I had to end this. I took one last look around the forest and noticed a break in the trees.
'I know where I am.'
If I headed in between those trees it would lead me back to the highway that led out of Forks. Excitement and anticipation rocked through me as I took a step towards freedom.
"Isabella, please." I couldn't help but wince at the pain in his voice. It sounded sad, desperate, and lonely. Pain wracked my chest at the decision I had to make. I was stuck at an impasse and didn't want to hurt either him or myself.
'You have to move on.'
I knew the words were true but the truth hurt. My stomach churned at the decision I had to make.
"I can't." I closed my eyes against the fresh tears that were trying to fall, and turned to escape the forest.
I awoke with a gasp and immediately flipped on my bedside lamp in an effort to assure myself I was actually awake. After a few minutes my heart rate began to return to normal and my breathing was slow and steady. It was then I became aware that my mark was pulsing faintly in tune with my heartbeat.
'Thump...thump…..thump…..'
And then it suddenly stopped and became cold.
My nightmares never returned after that night and my mark became nothing more than a scar.
Renee and I never discussed my nightmares again but when I went into the kitchen for breakfast that morning she greeted me with a knowing smile.
'I had faced my demons.'
My high school graduation went off without a hitch and in order to help save money I had stayed in Florida after graduation. I had decided to attend a community college for two years so that I could live at home. I also had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and this allowed me to take an array of classes. What eighteen year old really knows what they want to do?
I was also very lucky in that I had been able to secure a part-time job working at a small coffee shop around the corner from Renee and Phil's beach bungalow. It wasn't anything fancy but it also doubled as a book store, and this allowed me to read while I served the few regulars who came in. Lots of sun, free coffee, and books; I was living the dream.
That first summer in Florida finally allowed me to find the balance I had been missing since I had moved to Forks. I made some really good friends at the coffee shop, I was able to travel, and I was finally able to be human. I never realized how odd my life and my behavior had become living among immortals. One day while surfing at the beach I had cut my foot on a broken beer bottle. I had immediately tried to hide the bleeding and told my friends to stay away. They had all laughed, puzzled by my reaction and had helped carry me to the nearest first aid station.
"You sure are a strange one, Swan. Did you really think we were going to run away from you at the sight of blood?" My friend Matthew had shaken his head in amusement as he carried me bridal style across the sand. My cheeks were scarlet as I let out a mortified groan. How peculiar they must have thought me at that moment. I couldn't look any of them in the eye for the rest of the day.
As time went on I finally began to fit back in with the mortal world. I didn't shy away or worry when people bled. I still got a bit woozy, but I was able to overcome my phobia with a bit of work. Hanging around with a bunch of thrill seekers helped me by exposing me to blood on a fairly regular basis. My back porch became the group hangout spot and I was able to indulge in cooking mass meals for everyone. It was something I hadn't been able to do since I had left Phoenix. I forgot how much I missed it. I found myself laughing again and this time it wasn't for show. The scars had finally healed and I had moved on.
On a whim, I had signed up for a creative writing class in the spring semester of my freshmen year with one of my friends from high school, Natalie. Natalie was one of the most spontaneous people I had ever met and being with her was always an adventure. She had wild red hair that only helped to accentuate her fiery personality, and she stood a few inches taller than me. She kept me on my toes and hanging out with her was kind of addicting. I never knew what to expect, but I knew whatever it was it was going to be fun. The most memorable for me was my nineteenth birthday. Natalie had decided at two in the morning that we were going to Disney World for the week to celebrate. I had thirty minutes to pack my bag before she and Matthew, Sarah and Josh picked me up. I had never done anything so spontaneous before, and I'm not sure I ever will again. I almost lost my job at the coffee shop for playing hooky the whole week, and I fell behind in a few of my classes. Luckily, everything had worked out in the end but for a few weeks I wasn't sure it would. Whenever anything Disney related is brought up around Renee, I still see her glare at me in disappointment. I hadn't told Renee where I had gone until the next day when I had sent her a picture from Cinderella's castle. I felt just a sting of guilt for not telling her where I was but I also felt a thrill of excitement at the memory. It was one of the best weeks of my life.
I had no idea what to expect from the creative writing class or what type of critique to anticipate when we had to turn in our first short stories. I was beyond nervous when my professor asked me to stay after class one day.
I had approached Dr. Wilder's desk apprehensively, thinking maybe I had done the assignment wrong. Dr. Wilder was an older man, probably around mid- sixties, with salt and pepper hair and gold rimmed bifocals. Unlike most professors I had had, he still wore a suit and tie every day in spite of the humid Florida air. He had a weird habit of spinning his pencil between his fingers as he spoke.
"Ms. Swan, have you ever considered a career as a writer?" The question caught me completely off guard and I wasn't sure what to say.
My cheeks were a rosy pink color by this point and I could feel my heart rate escalate. "No, actually. I didn't think I was ever any good at it, to be honest."
The pencil was dancing at a steady pace now as he looked at me in surprise, "Well, I think you should be giving it a lot of thought. This is the best short story I have read in years. This could easily turn into something great." He said waving my paper in the air in praise.
I couldn't help the shocked smile that appeared on my face, "You really think so?" I knew I was crimson by this point, as I had never handled attention very well. Dr. Wilder nodded his head emphatically.
"Yes, I do. What are your plans for a four year university? I have connections at Emory University and the University of Iowa. Both excellent schools, with excellent creative writing programs. You would be able to flourish at either." Dr. Wilder told me to consider my options and to contact him as we exited the classroom. I was left speechless.
'Me? A writer?'
I had never considered a career in writing. I had always liked reading and I spent more time trapped in my own thoughts than anything else. Maybe this was what I was meant to do with my life. When I mentioned the praise from my professor to Renee, she exploded with enthusiasm at the idea.
"Honey, that is wonderful! I always knew you were creative and just needed the right outlet. I think this could be your calling." She had wrapped me in an enthusiastic hug and kissed my forehead. "Come on, let's celebrate your discovery!" She flashed me a happy grin as she made her way to the small kitchen at the back of the house. I couldn't help but smile as I heard the popping of the wine cork soon after.
"Knock, knock." I turned from taping up my last box to see my mom leaning forlornly against my door frame. I smiled sadly up at her in greeting. I was really going to miss her, my Christmas break had gone by way too fast.
"I'm just finishing up. I hope it doesn't cost too much to have these shipped to my place." Renee waved off my worry and wrapped me in a big hug.
Renee's perfume filled my senses and I couldn't help but take a deep breath, soaking it into my memory. "Bella," She whispered in my ear. "Don't worry about the cost. I know my little Jane Austen needs her inspiration." I let out a laugh and squeezed her back with feeling.
Our long drawn out goodbye was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a car horn calling out from the driveway. I let out a frustrated sigh.
'Some things never change.'
Renee smirked at my reaction, "He does know we have a doorbell, right?"
I rolled my eyes at her and grabbed my duffle and backpack from their places on my bed. Nostalgia started to roll through me as I took one last look at my bedroom. It wasn't anything special, but it was mine.
"Back to school I go." I whispered out in goodbye to my sanctuary.
Waiting in my driveway, next to an old blue Wagoneer was Matthew. I had met Matt my first summer in Florida and we had hit it off right away. He was friends with Natalie, and spent the majority of his time at the beach doing any extreme water sport he could. Surfing, paddle boarding, racing jet skis, you name it he did it. He was kind and funny, but not the brightest crayon in the box. His heart was always in the right place, and that's what had attracted me to him at first. It didn't hurt that he was absolutely gorgeous. He was tall with sun kissed skin and hair, and a smile that could light up a room. We had tried dating and at first it was fun and exciting, but mostly all we had in common was a physical attraction to each other. Eventually that novelty had worn off, and we realized we were just too different. Where I found joy in reading and discussing Voltaire, Matt found joy in skim boarding and playing beer pong; the only common ground we had was in the bedroom. The relationship started off with a bang but quickly fizzled out. We had parted ways amicably a little over a year ago, and had decided we were better off as friends.
Matthew ran his hand through his wild blond locks and flashed me a cheeky grin in greeting.
I couldn't help but smile back as I said, "Are your legs broken? We do have a doorbell." I tossed him my backpack which he caught with ease.
He gave me a challenging smirk back, "And miss how worked up you get when you're irritated? Never." I rolled my eyes at him and hopped into the passenger seat of his car. "I'll make sure she gets to the airport on time." He called to Renee who was standing on the front porch.
"You better. Call me when you land, and say hi to Charlie for me!" She blew me a kiss, a hint of sadness in her eyes, and headed back in the house.
Matt turned to me with a smile, "Ready, Swan?"
"Now or never." I cranked up his old radio and rolled the windows down as we headed to the airport. "I'm really going to miss the sun."
Matt quirked an eyebrow at me and snorted. "And here I thought you were going to miss me. You hurt me, Swan." I smacked his shoulder good naturedly.
"You know I will. I'll be back over spring break to visit though. Not too far away. You can always come visit me in Seattle, you know." Matt responded with a sarcastic chuckle. His visiting had always been a point of contention in our friendship.
Matt turned his blinker on and made his way to the exit that led to the airport. I could hear the jets landing in the distance, and I felt a sense of dread roll through me at the idea of leaving. "You know I can't stand the rain. Plus, I will never visit a place that doesn't have a real beach. You'll just have to suffer until you finally give in and come back to me." I let out a sigh of defeat. This was the same thing he said every time and each time I had to remind him there were beaches in Washington. Just not the kind he was used to, having been born and raised in Florida.
"Fine. I'll see you in March, Matty." He let out a cringe at the hated nickname and I couldn't help but grin in satisfaction.
We eventually reached the terminal and Matt helped me unload my duffle bag from the back of his car.
As I was doing a mental checklist of all my belongings, Matt's lips suddenly crashed against mine. I was taken aback at first but ultimately I found myself reciprocating out of habit. I cared about Matt, I loved Matt, but I wasn't in love with him. The kiss was familiar, comfortable, and very one sided. After a few moments I placed a hand on his chest and gently pushed him away just enough so that our foreheads rested against each other.
I took a moment to catch my breath before speaking, "Matt, we've talked about this." I looked up at him with sympathetic eyes, I hated hurting him but I had to draw the line.
I heard him let out a frustrated groan as he stepped away from me and leaned against the side of his car. "I know, I'm sorry." He rubbed his hands over his face in guilt. "I still care about you is all."
I nodded my head in understanding, "I know you do but we are just friends. Nothing more. We tried and it didn't work, remember? Plus, I don't think your new girlfriend would like you kissing your friends like that." I couldn't help the wry smile playing on my lips as I saw the tips of his ears turning pink. He quickly looked down at his shoes in remorse. I took a swift glance at my watch and with a resounding sigh I swung my bag onto my back.
"I need to go check in. Are we ok?" I asked him hesitantly. Things had been good between us since we broke up last November, and I didn't want to lose Matt's friendship. While there was nothing romantic between us any longer, we still talked quite regularly. We both knew things about each other that we had never shared with anyone else. He knew my dreams and I knew his fears. I really couldn't imagine losing him. Maybe he was acting this way because of me being so far away. I wasn't sure but I needed to get some type of confirmation before I left that we were going to be ok.
"I'll see you soon and thanks for the ride, Matty." I gave his hand one last squeeze, and I was glad to see I was able to get one last smile out of him as I headed towards the sliding doors.
"Enjoy your second semester at Washington, Swan!" Matt called out in goodbye, and I turned one last time and waved.
'We'll be fine.' I thought with a relieved yet skeptical sigh.
It hadn't been an easy decision to return to the Pacific Northwest. Charlie had come to visit me for my twentieth birthday, and I had been really excited to tell him I had submitted my applications for both Emory and Iowa. After finishing my creative writing class with flying colors, I had decided that I would give a career in writing my best shot. I had reluctantly agreed to accompany Charlie while he went fishing that morning. I was so excited to tell him my news that I even agreed to participate. Charlie's face fell a bit when I told him where I had applied.
Charlie didn't even look at me as he baited his hook and cast his reel out into the water once more. "That's great, Bells." It sounded anything but great. I couldn't help the shocked expression that adorned my face. Charlie had always been supportive of me and everything I did.
I shifted uncomfortably on the rock I sat upon. "Something wrong?" I risked a quick glance up at him in an attempt to gauge his reaction. Charlie stared straight ahead out at the water, not a single sign of emotion on his face. His eyes, however, gave him away and they held nothing but sadness. I cringed inwardly. Something was definitely wrong. "I know writing isn't the steadiest career but I think I can do it. My professors say_"
"Bella, it's not the writing." Charlie cut me off with a sigh. He was pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.
My mouth was suddenly dry, "What's wrong then?" Charlie slowly set the fishing pole down and took a seat next to me. He suddenly looked as uncomfortable as I felt. Charlie had never been one to be loquacious, or one to talk about what's bothering him.
Charlie opened his mouth and closed it about six times before he finally spoke. "Bella, I miss you." I found my heart breaking at Charlie's admission. "I miss seeing you on a regular basis. I got so used to seeing you every day, when you left…" Charlie paused and tried to collect himself. I didn't move, too worried that if I did he would not finish what he was about to say. "When you left, it was like losing you all over again."
It felt like the wind had just been knocked out of me. "Dad_"
Charlie put up a hand to cut me off. "I know you had to leave and I'll be honest, it took me a while to accept that. I just hoped that someday you might want to come back to me." He gave me a sad smile at his confession.
I wasn't sure what to say. I felt ashamed that I hadn't even considered two years ago how Charlie would handle me moving from Forks. I was so focused on escaping that I hadn't looked back at what I was leaving behind. Charlie had lived so long without me that I assumed his life would just pick up where it had left off. How wrong I had been.
I found myself leaning my head against my Dad's shoulder in an attempt at comfort. "I'm sorry, Dad." Guilt was swimming through me and I couldn't bring myself to look at him. Charlie awkwardly put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze in response.
"Just give it some thought, ok?" Charlie stood and picked up his pole before I had a chance to respond. The walls that kept his emotions at bay were up again, and I knew our heart to heart was over. Charlie and I returned to fishing and the subject was dropped for the remainder of his trip. Later on that week I reluctantly applied to the University of Washington. I didn't want Charlie to think I didn't care about him or our relationship. That was the best olive branch I could come up with. As I said goodbye to Charlie at the airport I told him the news. One would have to have been blind to miss the thrilled smile on Charlie's face. I was both happy and relieved to see the hurt that had been there disappear.
I thought that would be the end of it and all thought or debate regarding Washington was done. That was until I received two letters in the mail one day after work. One was from Emory, and as I read through it I felt like I was floating on air.
'I got in!' I couldn't help jumping up and down in elation. I hadn't been this happy in a long time. I couldn't wait to tell Renee the good news. My excitement was short lived when I saw the second packet waiting for me. It had a University of Washington seal in the upper left hand corner. My stomach suddenly dropped. I sat and stared at the envelope in my kitchen for a solid ten minutes.
'You're going to have to open it sometime.' My subconscious muttered sarcastically. With a deep breath I tore into the envelope. My eyes swiftly scanned the letter for the one word I was dreading to find.
'Accepted.'
I sat back into my seat and closed my eyes in resignation. I wasn't shocked that I had gotten in. My grades were exceptional, I had done well on the entrance exams, and I had glowing recommendations from my professors. A small part of me was just hoping I wouldn't, so I wouldn't have to talk about this with Charlie. I absentmindedly began to flick through the papers that had come with the letter of acceptance. It was the typical packet, there was information regarding the dorms, pictures of the campus, an orientation schedule, and something I never expected.
'I got a scholarship?' I thought, stunned. As I continued to read my shock continued to grow. Not only was the scholarship substantial, it covered almost all of my expenses. I quickly pulled out a calculator from a drawer in the kitchen and began to crunch the numbers.
'This is unbelievable. This practically covers all of my tuition.' I was so stunned I couldn't help but laugh. Combined with financial aid assistance and this scholarship, I could go to school for free. I still had a few other expenses to figure out but receiving this was a huge relief.
'I can't believe I'm actually considering this.'
But how could I turn this away without feeling like a fool? A loud groan of frustration left my lips and my head landed with a thud against the kitchen table.
After a glass of wine and a long conversation with Charlie, who sounded so smug and satisfied it almost made me change my mind, I knew what I had to do. I gazed longingly at my acceptance letter to Emory as I sat alone on the beach outside my house. I found myself mourning the life I would never get to have, and the life I was now saying goodbye to.
'Why do I always have to be the responsible one?' I couldn't help but smirk in spite of my circumstances. I truly had come full circle once again. I was once more saying goodbye to my mother and the sun, and saying hello to my father and the rain.
"Goodbye tan skin." I stood up and tossed the letter into the waves. The mark on my shoulder tingled with anticipation.
Authors Note: Hey everyone, some have expressed concern that I won't continue with this and I hope that my frequent updating as eased those worries. I am determined to finish this story as I also find it quite disappointing when stories go left unfinished. I hope you're enjoying the story so far. I'm definitely enjoying writing it. Special shout out to Goldielover for taking the time to listen to me ramble and help edit this story so y'all can enjoy it. As always please leave me a review so I can get an idea of what you love and what you don't or if there's anything you'd like to see please share! Next chapter will be out shortly. Have a great week!
