Spinning Bottles
~Chapter 7 – Nowhere~
"Hey…how was work?" Bella asked as she walked in the door with the kids.
"Fine," I said coldly.
It was strange, but learning Bella didn't cheat just made me even more resentful, and I wasn't exactly sure what that meant.
Bella stared at me for a moment, and then shook her head and walked down the back hall towards the bedroom.
That evening began to unfold just like before, with me sitting on the couch staring blankly at the TV, and Bella helping the kids with homework and cooking.
We all sat down to a 'family' dinner, but no one seemed particularly happy about the company, besides Carlie. Bella did her best to force a strained conversation, but Alec and I were equally unpleasant, and I couldn't help but find that somewhat amusing.
"You know, you two have the same exact sullen expression on your faces," Bella commented.
"I don't look anything like him," Alec disagreed sourly.
"Too bad for you," I told him with a humorless laugh. "I was lucky enough to take after my mother."
"Edward!" Bella scolded me.
"What? It's true," I replied.
"You know what…I've had enough of this," she fumed. She threw her napkin on her plate and then scratched her chair on the linoleum as she backed out, before storming off to the kitchen.
"Daddy doesn't say stuff like that," Carlie mumbled to me. Alec looked at her perplexed for a moment, but otherwise dismissed her.
"She's going to divorce you, you know," he said to me casually.
"Good," I said carelessly. "I hope she does."
"I knew it," he said bitterly, and then stood and ran out.
Bella must have heard Alec slamming the front door, so she popped her head out of the kitchen. "Where is he going?" she asked.
"Who knows," I said carelessly.
She huffed and then ran towards the front door, assumedly to try to find the little punk.
"Just leave him," I told her. "Maybe he'll get lost and not come back."
"What the hell has gotten into you?" she snapped in quiet anger. She was obviously upset, but she was trying to keep her voice down so the kids wouldn't get scared, but since they were fictional, I figured being loud really wasn't a big deal.
"Me? Nothing has gotten into me, except maybe a really bad acid trip. But at least I'm sane enough to know the difference between reality and a really fucked up dream. You, on the other hand, go about life as if all this shit is ok and…normal, which it most certainly is not. I mean really Bella, you can't tell me you're actually happy in this shit excuse of a life."
"Our life isn't 'shit'. I can't believe you would even say that," she said with hurt heavy in her voice.
"It's not?" I asked incredulously. "You work for the Forks Daily and make next to nothing; I work at a fucking garage and part time at my father's run down vineyard. We live in fucking squalor with a bunch of obnoxious kids - and for what? Just so we could stay together. Were we really that fucking clueless as teens to think this would be better than getting separated and making something real of ourselves? How could you be ok with this? Why the hell didn't you insist that I go to New York? Trust me, we would have both been a hell of a lot better off."
She stared at me for a moment and her expression was unreadable, but then she turned away slowly and walked back towards the kids. I thought she was going to go put them to bed or something, but instead she grabbed her car keys, and stormed towards the front door….and left.
"Great, just leave me with your fucking kids again!" I called after her, but of course, she didn't respond.
I glanced back towards the two kids staring at me wide eyed from the table, and realized that not only was I stuck babysitting for who knew how long, but they were also a mess, covered in their dinner.
"Fuck this," I said just as the fucking pounding in my head started to feel like my entire brain was going to explode. I walked quickly to the back bedroom and immediately started rummaging around, hoping to find something – anything that could get me out of there.
I needed to buy a plane ticket to New York and just somehow try to get myself back into the life I belonged…Except by that point, I could hear the toddler crying…and then the thumping of little feet against the floor came closer, so I forced myself to calm down just in time for Carlie to come into view.
"Please don't do this," she whispered so quietly that I almost didn't understand her.
"Don't do what?" I asked softly as I sat on the bed so I could be closer to her level.
"Please don't leave….Not until the mother-ship comes back with my daddy. My mom doesn't understand, and if you leave now then she'll think my daddy doesn't love her anymore."
Shit.
I closed my eyes tightly as a response to realizing my horrendous mistake. Dream or no dream; real or illusion, I absolutely hated upsetting Carlie like that, and in that moment I knew I needed to fix it.
I opened my eyes and looked back at the very worried Carlie, and sighed. The little girl was far beyond her years, but it was completely wrong of me to use her in the way that I had. She should never have to carry the burden of knowing that I didn't belong there, it wasn't fair to her, and I wouldn't make her stress about it for a moment longer.
"Don't worry….I won't let your mom think that your dad doesn't love her. I promise, I'm going to try to be better until he gets back," I assured her.
She nodded, but still looked anxious.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"Do you think my dad is as bad at being you, as you are at being him?"
I thought about that for a moment, and then remembered my company's big deal we were in the middle of - "God, I hope not," I told her, but was really saying it to myself. The Podunk version of me that lived in the dream world would never survive in my business, and if I was stuck in more than just a dream, then I sure as hell hoped I had a job to go back to when we finally switched back.
"Come on, let's get your brother to bed," I told her, so we walked back out to the kitchen to get the toddler, but then Bella surprisingly walked through the door.
"I can't find Alec," she said with a shaky voice. "I dove around to all his usual spots, but he's not at any of them."
"I'm sure he's fine," I said quietly. "Don't worry, he's not your problem, I'll take care of it."
She shook her head. "Don't do that."
"What?" I asked puzzled.
"Don't you dare tell me that he's not my problem."
"Bella, I only meant that he's my bro…"
"He's not your brother!" she said with tears in her eyes. "I've been here…every day…raising him since he was six years old. You have no right to get pissed at life and then stand there and say that Alec isn't my problem because I'm not genetically connected to him… He's my child, just as much as Carlie and Anthony are. Things have gotten hard with him, but that doesn't mean I love him any less. He's lost Edward, and maybe instead of wallowing in whatever the hell is going on with you, you could get your head out of your ass for three seconds and realize that we are going to lose him permanently if we don't do something about it."
"What are we supposed to do? He's a teenager; teenagers go through stuff that they think is so much worse than it really is. He just needs time to grow up," I told her. I really wasn't trying to be rude at that point, it was just how I honestly felt, and I did think she was worrying over nothing so I was trying to calm her.
"Maybe that's true with most teenagers…but most teenagers didn't lose their mothers at five years old, only to learn later that their dad was a drunk who couldn't support him. Edward, he just needs us to be there for him, and to never give up. He's going to push and push, but as long as we just hold on, he'll make it through, I know he will."
I really had no idea what to say to that, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand how she could possibly love a kid who was that out of control when he wasn't even hers. It was strange, and crazy, and absolutely incredible.
"You're right….I'm sorry…for everything. I'm going to go look for him," I told her, and then took the keys out of her hand, and went to the car. I didn't have any way of knowing where kid would be, but I knew his type; in fact, I was his type, so I was sure I had a better chance at finding him.
I was once a sixteen year old kid in Forks that hated my home life; I was a fuck up and despised the world just like Alec…so where did I go then to escape?
The answer was simple… The Lot.
The Lot was an abandoned parking lot at the far end of town, which was obscure enough from the police for the kids to get into whatever kind of trouble they could think of. It was the spot where many local teens went to escape pressures of life, and that's where I knew I'd find Alec.
When I drove up to the old familiar location, I realized nothing had really changed; it was still covered in graffiti, and still crawling with the same old riffraff losers who were on the fast track to nowhere.
"Well look who's slumming it," a familiar voice said, so I looked out my window and saw him…
"James Noman…wow, good to know you have done absolutely nothing with yourself," I said sarcastically. In addition to the teens who wanted to escape, The Lot also consisted of people like James who never had the balls to grow up. It was really pathetic.
"Fuck you!" he said angrily. "Just because you don't hang here anymore, doesn't mean you're better than any of us."
"Actually, that's exactly what it means…fucking loser," I told him.
"Oh, I'm a loser? At least I don't fucking live off of my old man," he argued.
"You obviously don't know what you're talking about, my father lives off of me and always has. But don't worry, I'm sure your buddies over there will always let you sleep on their piss stained couches until you drink yourself to death."
He glared at me, and then took a step forward. I thought he was going to try to throw a punch, but instead he just leaned in to tell me something. "We both know that if it weren't for Bella, you'd still be here, just like us."
I scrunched my brows at him, but then shook my head and rolled up my window. I really didn't need to waste my time with his pathetic ass….even if he was right….which I wasn't ready to admit.
I continued to drive through the stagnant rabble, and in the furthest group back, I spotted Alec.
"Hey, get in the car!" I yelled at him.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked spitefully. "You never come out here."
"Well, Bella wants you home, so get in the fucking car," I told him.
"Why should I listen to her? She's not my mom."
"You're right, your mom was a woman who'd rather buy booze then to take care of you," I told him without even thinking.
"Man, go fuck yourself," he said and then began to walk away, but I wasn't going to put up with that shit. I put the car in park, and then got out and grabbed him. The kid was going to get into my car whether he liked it or not. "Let go of me!" he shouted.
I threw him in the back seat, and because of the child proof locks, he couldn't get out.
"You're fucking crazy! This is kidnapping, you can't…"
"Shut the hell up!" I yelled at him. "I have custody of you, so it's not kidnapping, idiot."
"It doesn't matter if you take me home, because I'm just going to leave again, and next time, I'll make sure to go where you can't find me."
I didn't respond to him, instead I decided to try to knock some fucking sense into him. I drove back to the vineyard, but instead of going to the cottage, I took him to another of my old getaway spots…the back creek.
I parked facing the water, and we just sat in silence for a few minutes."What are we doing here?" he asked finally.
"You tell me. How did we get here?" I asked him, and I was fairly certain he knew I wasn't speaking in the literal physical sense.
He huffed. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes, you do. I know you've always had some issues, but things weren't always this bad, so I want to know what's changed."
"There's nothing wrong with hanging at The Lot," he said defensively.
"I know, I used to hang there too," I told him.
He looked at me surprised by my admission, so I thought it was best to explain. I didn't want to keep turned around in my chair to talk to him, so I decided to get out of the car, and let him out as well. I was slightly worried he was going to run off the moment he was free, but instead he just leaned against the car so we could continue the conversation.
"I can't imagine you hanging at The Lot," he said skeptically.
"I was pretty screwed up for awhile too," I said quietly.
"You? Mr. Always Under Control…screwed up? I don't buy it."
"I'm always under control of myself?" I asked shocked.
"Well you want everyone to think you are. You run the vineyard, the garage, and you never lose your cool at home…well, except for lately. What the hell is wrong with you this past week anyway?"
I rolled my eyes. I was really sick of the fucking question, especially since no one believed me when I gave them the true answer.
"Look, do you want to know about me and The Lot, or not?" I asked while trying to swallow my irritation.
"Yeah," he said with a huff.
"I was pissed at my dad for always being a fuck up, my mom was dead, I pretty much hated my life and figured I had no future."
He laughed once humorlessly. "Are you talking about you, or me?"
"See, that's my point. I was exactly like you at sixteen," I told him. "I spent all of my time there, smoking dope and getting drunk. I was going nowhere fast, and if something didn't change, I was sure to end up just like James Noman. A worthless nothing.
I could see him biting the inside of his cheek, and then he sort of turned his body so he was facing towards me. "Well, what made you change?" he asked after a minute.
I actually hadn't thought that far ahead, and it took me a few minutes to really remember what event had actually made me change…and then it all came back to me.
"Bella," I said to him.
….
~14 years earlier~
"Hey, aint that Bella Swan?" James asked.
We were hanging at The Lot like we always did, and I was just about to light another joint when I saw her.
Bella Swan had been in all my classes since preschool. We weren't exactly friends, but we didn't hate each other either. Bella just never really stood out from the crowd; always quiet and never making any trouble. But my view on her definitely changed when we were thirteen while at a party in Mike Newton's basement...
We were all playing an innocent game of Spin the Bottle, and when it was my turn to spin, it landed on Bella Swan. I had never kissed anyone before, and the moment her lips touched mine, I knew I was done for. I fell hard for her that night, except it seemed fate had other plans. She moved out of state to live with her mom the next day, and she took my sad crumbled thirteen year old heart with her.
But there she was again, like a lighthouse breaking through a black storm, and my days of wasting away were definitely numbered.
"Yeah, I heard she just moved back with her dad," Lauren answered James.
I couldn't take my eyes off her as she moved through the crowd; she was even more breathtaking then when she was thirteen. She walked with a certain subtle confidence, but it was one that she obviously wasn't aware she carried. Jessica Stanley was leading her around and reintroducing her to everyone, but she seemed to legitimately not care what people thought of her. Her hair was a mess and her clothes looked cheap and dull, but she made no apologies for it, and she was absolutely beautiful.
When Jessica finally brought Bella around to the group I was standing in, I did my best to pretend to be indifferent.
"Edward Masen, it's been a long time," Bella said with a smile.
"Yep," I said with faux carelessness.
"Ok, well, I'll see you around," she said, and then she was gone.
I was a fucking idiot.
Turned out, however, that Bella just happened to be put in my biology class, and we just happened to be partners. At first I resisted her intoxicating aroma and deep eyes that pierced right through me, except it was pointless, because it wasn't long before she had me laughing, and all my self-protecting walls came crumbling down to become nothing more than rubble at her feet.
Once again, three years after our first kiss, I found myself head over heels in love with Bella Swan, except this time, I didn't have to stop kissing her. We became joined at the hip, always together, and nothing else mattered. Bella didn't want to hang at The Lot, so we didn't; Bella had goals to go to college, so her goals became mine. I would do anything for her, including turn my life around and become a better person.
…..
~Present Day ('dream' world)~
"Why are you telling me this?" Alec asked me after my trip down memory lane.
"My point is, I thought I didn't have a future, so I wasted my time away at that shithole, but the truth was, all I needed was someone to believe in me. To love me and show me a different way to be."
"Well, sorry. There's no chick here like that for me," he said sourly.
"There doesn't have to be. It didn't have anything to do with the way Bella loved me, it was just knowing I was loved at all."
"Nobody cares what happens to me," he mumbled.
I tried to think of what I would say if I really belonged in that world, so I took a deep breath. "Look, despite the way things have been lately, you're my brother, and I…care about you. But even more importantly, think about what all this shit is doing to Bella."
"I don't have to think about her, she'll be out of my life soon enough anyway."
"Ok, enough with that running away bullshit, we both know you're not going anywhere," I told him annoyed.
"I don't have to, she'll be gone!" he exploded.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I asked him.
"All you care about is yourself. You don't even give a shit of what is going to happen once she realizes what a jackass you are!" he turned away from me and then started pacing around. "I always knew this was coming. It was only a matter of time," he mumbled.
"What's coming?" I asked frustrated.
He stopped, and glared at me with the tears in his eyes."She's going to divorce you, and then I'll just be collateral damage. She's going to take the kids, but because I'm only related to you, I'll be left completely alone. You won't want me, dad can't take me, so I'll just be…nowhere."
I shook my head. "Do you really think that? Look, it doesn't matter what happens between me and Bella, you will always have her. She loves you, and not even me fucking up will change that."
"You don't know that!" he shouted with the tears streaking down his face.
"Yes, I do. She has been worried sick about you, in fact, she was the one out looking for you tonight and she was freaking out…I've been a fucking idiot lately, and she still is only worried about you," I tried convincing him, but he wasn't really listening.
"Why are you doing this? We were all fine before, so why are you pulling away from everyone now? You're going to ruin everything," he said to me.
I hadn't realized that he even noticed my cold behavior, but it became clear at that moment, that my sulking had affected more than just Carlie and Bella. And for the life of me, I didn't know why I even cared. He wasn't real, none of it was real…except I did care, even if I pretended not to.
In less than a week's time, I managed to completely screw up a family, and it made me feel like absolute shit. Bella was crying to her gay friend about me, Carlie was begging me not to make her mom think that her daddy was leaving her, and Alec thought he was going to be abandoned.
I was a real fucking douche.
"Your issues have gone on a lot longer than this past week," I said quietly. Carlie had mentioned that Alec was a 'problem' and despite my behavior adding to it, I couldn't have been the entire reason behind it.
"Because, I always knew this was going to happen," he muttered. "You and her always go around all happy all the time; you rarely fight, and when you do, you're always kissing and hanging all over each other by the end of the day. And even when we have no money, you two always find a way to laugh about the situation. It isn't normal. Things can't always be that perfect. It was only a matter of time until you started acting this way."
"And what way is that?" I asked him.
"Like this. Like you hate everything and everyone. It was bound to happen sooner or later. There's only so much of that lovey dovey crap that people can take before they crack and start hating each other. Things were always good in the beginning with my mom and her boyfriends. And then…it all sucked."
"How long have you been living with me and Bella?" I asked then.
"Ten years," he said questionably.
"And how long were you with your mom?"
"Six years."
"Ok, so you've been with us longer right?"
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, so stop comparing us to her, and stop thinking everything is going to come crashing down. People fight; couples get mad and go through rocky patches. But that doesn't mean that they're automatically going to break up. Bella loves you…just as if you came from her biologically. She just told me that before I went to find you. So even if things don't work out, she'll still be here for you, just like she will be for the younger kids. And me and dad…well, I will be here too."
He laughed once. "You don't have much confidence in dad, do you?"
I cocked my head. "Well, I have to give it to him, he's still here, which is more than I ever thought he would be. But…the guys a flake, and we can't count on him. But I promise, I am not him. I've worked my entire life to not be him, and I will never fail at that. We're going to stay together as a family, and we're going to get through whatever obstacles we come across."
He nodded, and we were both quiet for a minute. I had no idea where that particular speech came from, but I hoped it was what I would have said if I actually belonged there, and I really hoped I would have had the balls to follow through if I was really in that situation.
"But why are you doing this?" he asked unexpectedly. "Why are you pulling away from everyone now? What happened recently to make you seem like you hate life?"
I didn't know how it happened, but the concerned conversation had turned towards me, and suddenly I felt like the sullen teenager and he was the sane one trying to counsel me.
"Uh…I've just been a little…confused, and it's made me a little…bitter," I said confusingly. I didn't even know what the hell I was talking about. "But I already promised Carlie that I was going to try to get back to normal, so that's what I'm going to do. No more lazy bickering…ok?"
"And I'll try too. Well, at least I'll try not to yell at Bella too much anymore. You still piss me off, so it may take longer for me to stop yelling at you."
I smiled. "I can handle it."
"I know," he replied.
As much as I still wanted to wake up and get back to my real life, I was done trying to resist everything. Obviously, being a dick and hating every moment of being stuck there wasn't working, so I needed to do what I promised Carlie, and at least try to fit in. If there was a way I could help get the family back on track and undo some of the shit I caused, then I was going to do it.
***Coming up next, Edward makes a real attempt to do things right, and it may just backfire on him. - We will also start seeing much more Edward/Bella interaction per chapter ;)
Does anyone else hear the sound of Edward beginning to crumble? Lol
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