Afterlife

Author Notes: Oh! I love you people! I have over 100 reviews! Actually, when I'm writing this, I have 121! Muah! And thank you for the froglick, Konahaku. I enjoyed that very much. Oh! Check out VanityWantsYou's new fic: "Just like Heroin" It's dedicated to me! I fucking love you, Vanity! Muah!

Warnings: This is still boyxboy. And I'm still Norwegian. So there will still be weird-ass English, and some swearing. Yeah.

Disclaimer: I do still not own Naruto.

Chapter 7: The slightly disturbing people I know (basically Tsunade)

(Soundtrack: Debaser – Pixies (Just 'cause it's a slightly disturbing song))

I might have mentioned before that it's a lot of parts of people you don't really see before they're crushed, like if a friend has just died. Now, there are a lot of parts of people you don't really see before they're angry, like if the friend they thought was dead wasn't really, just pretending. Do this dead guy remind you of someone? Yeah, that's right. Me. And the people with unknown parts... yeah. That's right. My friends and family. They can be really scary, some of them. Actually, most of them can. Being the poor guy who pulled the biggest prank, like, EVER (also known as pretending to be dead and get almost everyone (the almost part being because of Shikamaru and Gaara) to actually believe it, well, let me just say it like this: it wasn't easy.

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The morning started a bit like the day before. I woke up between Tsunade's big boobs (still as a frog), and tried to get a lick-in, but got smacked before I got there. The only real difference was the terrible feeling I had in my little weird frog-stomach. It felt a bit like the day I had my graduation as a ninja, just times ten. It was horrible. I didn't like it one bit.

Tsunade fed me some of those nasty insects again, while she was eating pancakes with blueberries, and for a moment I thought it would be all right to be a human, just so I could eat some real food again. Then I spotted the hole Tsunade had punched in the floor earlier (we ate in her office), and I thought maybe not. Maybe I should wait a bit with that.

Only that it wasn't up to me. It was up to Shikamaru and Gaara. Shikamaru had already made his choice, and Gaara really had no choice. He was the Kazekage, he couldn't not say anything about this. Although he'd probably find it extremely amusing. Point was, Tsunade would find out today, if I wanted it or not. That made me feel like throwing up those nasty insects.

Tsunade stared at me for a couple of seconds, before she smiled. "We really must give you a name, don't we?" I didn't croak as an approval. Why should I? I only had some more couples of living anyway. "You don't think so?" Tsunade leaned over the table, and gave me a very good view of her cleavage. How she understood me, I don't know. There's so much I don't know about her. Ew. Do not think of dead people on tables, do not think of dead people on tables, do NOT think about dead people on tables… ew.

"Well, little one, I don't really care what you think, we can't just call you "frog" for the rest of your life, can we?" I didn't croak now either. "Heh, you're stubborn. I don't care. I'll call you…" She looked at the picture of me on her table and picked it up, and for a moment I thought she would name me after… me. But nah. "something stupid. Something he would have come up with. How about… Harry? It's ugly, stupid and totally out of nowhere. What do you think?"

I licked her very painfully. I mean, come on! It's a nice fucking name, all right? I think so. And I'm pretty fucking sure Harry thought so, too. And it would be very, very confusing if I were called Harry all of a sudden. There already was a Harry Uzumaki. Ok, he was dead, but in one way, so was I. At least they thought so.

She grinned. "No? Well, you're stuck with it now, Harry." She put pressure on the name, and grinned again. And the few happy hours I had left as a frog, I spent being teased by Tsunade. It was pretty nice, actually, if it hadn't been for two facts.

One, Tsunade's smiled looked really fake and plastered on. I think she tried to make a replacement for me. And she chose me. Isn't that ironic.

Two, I knew it would only last some hours. Sort of took away a lot of the joy.

And then Shikamaru came, and Gaara came with him. (1) Neither of them looked serious (Ok, Gaara looked serious, but not the I-will-get-killed-now type of serious), and I thought, fuck, they should be. 'Cause Tsunade will flip. And when she does… it's Mayhem.

They might have thought she would only flip on my fragile frog-body, but they didn't (and don't) know the old hag the same way I do. There is such a thing as shoot the messenger. No, wait. There is such a thing as bite off one of the messenger's head, while stabbing the other in the eyes with nails. Yes. That's more like it. That's more like her.

Gah, that woman scares me.

Tsunade had two chairs out, and like last time, I do not know when she got them there or where she got them from. She was frowning.

"So. What the fuck is so goddamned important about Naruto? What is it you know?" She wore a very scary face. Jiraiya told me she almost killed him once when she wore that face.

Gaara looked at Shikamaru, and nodded. And Shikamaru sighed.

"Naruto…" He looked at the old hag, and sighed again. "What would you say if he wasn't really dead?" Gaara moved his head a bit to the side, as if to gesture her to speak. He's never been all that much of a speaker.

"Stop fucking with me." Tsunade slammed her fist in the desk, and it broke into many little peaces. Luckily I got away in time. Gaara's sand protected me. Wanted me alive for my punishment. Or something like that. Anyway, I ended up in his lap. It was nice there. Tsunade was breathing heavily, and Shikamaru looked at Gaara.

"Hokage." I noticed raccoon-eyes had the same weird authority in his voice Tsunade had. Do you need that to become a Kage? 'Cause then I have something to work on. Gaara continued. "Do you think I, as the Kazekage, would lie about something like this? Naruto is dear to me too. I wouldn't lie about this. Listen to what Nara-san has to say."

The old hag's breath slowed down and she looked at Shikamaru. "Tell me."

And he did. He did. And he was right about all of it too. First he told her he found this out by my letter, and basically just by the fact that I killed myself. He said it didn't add up. That I wasn't a quitter. And that I would never fuck people off like that in my last living minutes. He said I most likely had a bad day, and felt like no one cared. And that I wanted to see whether or not people would mind it if I died. He said that he didn't know how I did it, but he suspected the body to be a clone.

"I think he wanted to check out peoples reactions." He finished his speech with a clear and steady voice, nothing like the bored voice he uses usually. All the time he had been speaking, Tsunade had sat entirely still, although I saw her twitch a couple of times. Now she looked up at Shikamaru.

"Do you know this, or are you guessing, Shikamaru?" He looked back, and told her he knew. Her roar could probably be heard in the entire village.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE WANTED TO CHECK OUT PEOPLES REACTIONS?" She kicked Shikamaru's chair, with him on it. He, and the chair, flew into the wall, where the chair broke into many, many peaces. "That GODDAMNED little SUNNOVABITCH! He is so dead! When I find him, he's so fucking DEAD! And there won't be any nice funeral for him this time, oh no, I'll fucking toss him into the sea, to get eaten by whatever lives there! Fuck! Where is he? Do you know?"

She pointed at Gaara, who actually had raised one of his not-existing eyebrows, just a thatch. Shikamaru groaned from his side of the room, and mumbled something I think may have been: "Women…" Gaara nodded.

"Yes," he said, "I know where he is. But I won't have you killing him." He was using his authority-voice again, and held his head straight. Tsunade clenched her fists together. Her whole body was shaking. "I can't promise that, Kazekage." She spat out the last word as if it were poison. "He fucked us over so badly. When I see him, I will definitely try to put a fist right trough his body." Her knuckles were white.

Gaara nodded again. "All right. I'll be here so that won't happen, then." He looked at Shikamaru, who still lay on the floor, groaning and mumbling and cursing women. Then he looked at me, straight at me. "Prepare yourself, Naruto."

Tsunade got it by that. I didn't see more than half a second of her before Gaara had me covered in sand. And good was that. But I could still hear her. Shit, I don't know how many times I have to repeat myself on this one, but that woman is fucking scary. I won't say everything she yelled, but I have a few personal favourites I'd like to share. I'll even do it in top three-style. Ok, from the third best one, 'till my number one favourite, here comes:

3. "I'll snatch out your fucking eyes and use them as ear-rings, and when people ask what it is, I'll say it's your goddamned fucking soul!"

2. "I'll goddamned stuck a pipe up your ass and let loads of mice in it (my ass, through the pipe) so they'll have to fucking eat their way out!"

Aaaaand my personal favourite:

1. "I'll cut of all of your toes, put them up your ass and stitch it together again, you hear me?"

I mean, for fucks sake, where does she get that shit? Put my toes up my ass? Hell, makes me wonder what kind of guys the other people on her table was. What they have learned her.

She rambled for another hour or so, and at the end I could hear her voice was weak and weird. When Gaara removed the sand I could see her sitting on the floor, crying. "Goddamn it, Naruto? Do you know how the last days have been for me? For Iruka? For Sasuke?" She looked up, her eyes all teary and wet, and I wondered for a second if people can go empty for tears. "It's been a hell, Naruto. It's been a hell."

I broke the frog-jutsu, which was really weird for me. All of a sudden I felt really tall, although I'm not really. I basically looked at my feet, though. "I know. I've been here. And… I… I'm so sorry." I looked up at her. "I don't know if it helps. It probably doesn't. But I really, really am."

And I was. I didn't mean for people to act like they did, I didn't mean for people to confess their undying love, and I did not, by any means mean for people to get hurt as deep as some of them did. And then and there, looking at her shaking figure, her shaking, poor figure, I did what I didn't even do that horrible day when it all started. I cried. Not much, not hulking, not shouting, not repeating a name over and over again, and not swearing. I just let tears drop to the floor, and as I stood there, Tsunade was standing again. I thought she was going to hit me. She didn't. She hugged me. I will never understand her.

"Fuck Naruto, I'm so glad to see you again." She squeezed me really hard, so hard it hurt, but I figured the smartest thing to do would be not to tell her. I still have a sneaking feeling that was the best choice. She sniffled in my hair. "And it does help." Then she let me go.

"You know you'll have problems clearing this up, right? I'm not going to do it for you. I'll call people in to a meeting, but then you're on your own." She ruffled my hair. "Goddamned fucking idiot, you sure can prank." And she laughed. Can you believe it? She laughed. As if she hadn't just threatened to cut of my toes and stuck them up my arse. Crazy woman.

She picked up the phone, said exactly the same words she had the day she found me. And then she left. Shikamaru picked himself off the floor. "Crazy fucking woman. Good luck, Naruto," he mumbled, and went out the exact same way the old hag had. I was left with Gaara.

"Will you be ok?" he asked, with actual concern in his voice. "Do you need me here?" I tried to croak to get him to stay. It didn't turn out the same way I had planned. It came out as a weird cough, if I'm lucky with the person describing it. And since it's me describing it… well, I'm lucky. Gaara looked at me as though I was crazy. Or, he really just raised the same not-existing eyebrow he had raised earlier, but for Gaara, that is looking at someone as though they are crazy.

"Uhm…" I coughed for real this time, and tried to get used to not having the Oh-So-Comfy way of saying yes, also known as my croaking. "Yeah. It'd be nice if you were there. So I won't get, you know, killed."

He snorted (translation: he laughed), and nodded. Then we waited for people to arrive and try to kill me. They would have to manage without chairs this time. But really, that wouldn't be the thing on their mind right then.

And then they arrived. The same people who were at the first gathering, when Tsunade showed them Harry Uzumaki 1 (just so we won't get confused). And like last time, Sasuke was missing. I didn't have the time to get annoyed over it, 'cause so many things happened at once. Hinata fainted again, together with Iruka and (HAH) Kiba. Gai and Lee both started to shout: "Ghost, ghost!" as loud as they could (they can shout pretty damned loud), and Sakura was screaming her lungs out, the most girly annoying scream I've ever heard in my entire life. Other people were just basically shouting and screaming. Neji seemed to get it though, together with some of the Jounins. He narrowed his eyes at me, and, without looking; I knew Gaara was doing the same thing back at Neji.

"Uhm… Hi?" Although it's probably one of the shortest sentences I've ever said, it did miracles. It shut every mouth up, and got everyones attention, with an exception of the fainted people, of course. This meant that I had to say something more. Fucketyfuck.

"Uhm. I… fooled ya?" Everyone's eyes were staring at me now, including Hinata's (she had woken up). "I… ehm. Not really dead. Yeah. And… Uhm. I… think… Shikamaru would tell this better than me." I finished pretty lamely. And then I got hit in the eye. The punch belonged to, yeah, you probably guessed it, Sakura.

"That… that… that wasn't fucking… GODAMNED COCKSUCKER! How could you? Do you know HOW fucking… argh!" She hit me again, harder this time, and rushed at me to hit me once more, but Gaara stopped her.

And then I told them, the short version. Lee and Gai were crying again, but smiling at the same time. I won't ever really get them. But I think that was the nicest of the reactions. Or, Hinata fainted again, but I'm not too sure if I should count that as good. Most of the people (basically everyone but Chouji, Kakashi, Lee, Gai and Asuma) were glaring at me, and Gaara had to hold a couple of them back with his sand. I wish I had had handy sand like that.

The worst of them all, though, was Kakashi. Oh, God, the way he looked at me. It was worse than a disappointed-parent-look. Not that I'd really know very much about those looks, since I've lived most of my life unaware that I have one. But anyway. It was a disappointed-friend-look. It sucked, and made me turn my head away from everyone there. I could feel the tears pushing again.

"I… I just felt so alone… and I'm so sorry. I shouldn't… I wasn't… I didn't mean to… you know." Fantastic. It's the: let's-not-finish-our-sentences-apology. The thing is, it worked. Most of the people dropped their glares, and many of them actually looked… sorry. Them. Sorry. All I could think was: woah.

Then Kakashi spoke. "I think… I think the people who stayed that day… should stay now, too. And the others… I'm sorry, but this is kind of sensitive." He looked around, and most of the people nodded. The people left were almost the same as last time. Iruka, Hinata and Kiba (all three laying on the floor, knocked out), Neji (still glaring at me, but in a… softer way, of some sorts), Sakura (who was held back by Kakashi), Kakashi (who was holding back Sakura), Jiraiya (He was looking very… indifferent, really, the fucker), Gaara (standing there like the best bodyguard ever) and me.

"So," Kakashi said, "let's find out how to deal with this."

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(1) Ok, is it just me who thinks that sentence turned out incredibly perverted?

Author Notes: Hoho! A little Norwegian somethin' to a friend of mine: "Skoene mine er så pene, jeg har dem nederst på benet. Helt nede ved roten på det de voksne kaller foten. De er som de skal være, og det glinser veldig vakkert i overlæret. På bena har man sko. Ja, jeg har faktisk to!" – this text belongs to Bare Egil Band. Yay. Soeh, to all you English-speaking people. What do you think? Good? Bad? Please do continue to review so prettily as you have. Sasuke will be arriving in the chappie after next chappie. I thought he should have a whole chapter for himself. Tell me if this annoys you too much. Muah from xaayp.