A/N: First a shout-out to some readers and writers who have acted as advisors, sounding boards and betas for me. Thank you QuietDaisy, Regency1914, royal-cobalt, ThinkAboutItBabe, AHealingRenaissance and their assorted cats and babies. Don't blame them for typos or nonsense… that's all on me.
This chapter is a bit of an experiment in a different writing style. Fear not, Chapter 8 will be back to business as usual and a road trip with our actual couple (and maybe some other assorted characters).
First though, I'm gonna take a crack at answering questions from the reviews just for fun. If it's not fun, just scroll down dear friend.
Guest: How or why would Darcy announce his plans in front of his aunt, leaving her a chance to come with them? Or is that part of the absurdity?
It's part and parcel of the absurdity of this chapter, but I also have specific reasons I want LC to hear about this, which will start to be made clear maybe in chapter 9 or 10, and will push one thread of the story forward.
LucilleRicardo: Also, if you can, I think it would be great to see the 6 previous proposals! :)
I plan to put those out in dribs and drabs, with the first description in chapter 7 or 8. Of course, I made up the number 7 arbitrarily, and never did figure out any of them except the three I mentioned in the chapter 1, so now I have to figure them out.
headless-nic: Also, I love the hidden side of Anne. She rocks!
Quite agree. I actually thought about making her be JA, but thought that was a bit too much (OK, a lot too much). At any rate, I have plans for Anne. She actually has several other hidden talents as well. She may be super-Ann (or not).
Regency1914: Lady Catherine is going to be there? (Silent scream in the background because Darcy's marrying Elizabeth or because she just discovered they wear nothing?)
Oh yes, LC will be there right to the very end. Big plans for her, but Mum's the word.
I'm curious as to how crazy this relationship will get and what Elizabeth's family will think of this. LOL
I'm planning a bit of very odd and OOC behavior for the Bennet parents. I'm making it up as I go, so when I know, you'll know ;) (Spoiler: At least one of the Bennet sisters will be there in Scotland at the end)
Guest: Did... did Darcy's cousin (I'm tired and sick, so I don't remember his name) just break the fourth wall twice?
I had to google the Fourth Wall. Yes, he did at least twice, and it probably won't be the last time. Why you ask? (well, you didn't actually) Because I thought it was funny, and I pretty much have no filter on this story. I take great pains on my serious stories to use regency language and try to stay not too far OOC (or deliberately go way OOC), but this story is all about the farce right now. I will however start to ratchet it back to more the style of chapter 1 in chapter 8 and definitely more romance is on the way. One zany chapter left to endure.
P.S. I can't remember his name either, even the first name. In Dragon, I just made a voice alias for him, and I call him Sparky ;) Actually, we came up with that name by asking my group with the shout-out above for Ridiculous Regency Names, and I cobbled that together using their suggestions. He's like the Regency Wizard of Oz.
Fourth Wall… cool. Good to know. See how many violations this chapter has. There are at least two.
Tarlily: But what's with the dill pickles... lol
It was just the most arbitrary thing I could think of. Serves no purpose in the story whatsoever… or does it?
EngLitLover: Letters were fun to read. Only discordant note was the letter to Georgie
Agreed. I wanted to get her moving, but that one probably wasn't my best. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to send her to Longbourn or not (big head scratch). I think I know what I'll do with her in chapter 9, but it could change.
Thanks to georgette-heyer dot com slash for some of the phrases here.
BTW, if you want a little bit of fun, I shamelessly lifted some lines from a romcom for this chapter. See if you recognize it.
So, now on with the show: "Flies on Walls".
- Bzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz -
"Say, Darcy. I have you all figured out. You're not marrying Anne in Scotland, are you?"
"Certainly Not"
"Charlotte Collins?"
"Templated… but… No!"
"Just Checking! Haha… I fully understand who you've chosen for your lovely bride. I sussed it out just before you stormed in. Don't you think she's a bit on the young side, and such a skinny little thing?"
"Not at all. She's the perfect age. She's perfectly lovely. Everything about her is perfect… well except for that foul tempter of hers, but I think I can avoid that with good behavior."
"I never thought I detected any particular temper with her."
"You just never got in her sights."
"And you have?"
"Yes"
"Still carrying your shield, and not on it I see."
"Just barely"
"All that counts, old man"
"Yes, but let's get on with it. I'm anxious to get moving. You can chatter like a magpie with the four days we'll be on the road."
"Just one more thing! You know her very good friend at the parsonage thoroughly despises you, right? You'd best avoid her if you don't want a verbal flogging."
"She dislikes me?"
"Oh yes, most definitely. Can hardly stand the sight of you! Everyone knows that."
"That seems odd! I've hardly spoken to her."
"I noticed. Maybe that's why she's angry, or maybe you offended her in that backwater you went to with Bingley."
"Possible … Good thing I picked the right woman from the parsonage, eh! How bad would it have been to propose to someone who despises me? A bloodbath, I imagine."
"Yes, that would be suboptimal."
"Less than Ideal"
"Not Recommended"
"Worst Practice"
"Subpar"
"Aloysius!"
"Yes?"
"Easy on the Italics Buddy"
"Check!... Too bad she only has one sister"
"You're really not that sharp on the uptake, are you Aloysius?"
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"I'm going with you."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I'm going with you."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I'm going with you."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I'm going with you."
"I beg your"…
"We need to get past that part."
"It does seem unproductive."
"Agreed! I'm going with you."
"I beg your pardon."
"I thought we covered that."
"Pardon me, please continue sir."
"I'm going with you."
"To where?"
"To Scotland"
"What makes you think I'm going to Scotland?"
"I know the entire story."
"I doubt that."
"I know enough of it. You're going to Scotland."
"Weeeeellllll. Yes, that part is true."
"With Mr. Darcy"
"You've got me there"
"Eloping!"
"Right again, I'm afraid"
"Thank you. I'm going with you."
"Why?"
"Because you're planning to travel with the stupidest man in His Majesty's Service"…
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"How do you inject both Italics and Proper Case into your voice?"
"Oh that. You have to move your tongue towards the back your throat and then squeeze your… er… Well, best not to cover that in any greater detail."
"I seeeeee… Agreed, best not go there"
"As I was saying, you are traveling with the stupidest… "
"Yes, yes… We covered that. Move on…"
"… And a man who proposed to you while he was bosky, ape-drunk, drunk as a wheelbarrow, jug-bitten, foxed, in his cups and tap-hackled on the worst brandy in England…"
"That's spectacularly unfair sir! The gentleman was stone cold sober when he proposed. He was rude… condescending… Insulting… and not very smart… or eloquent… or nice… or charming… or effective… but completely sober!... Of course, I was bosky, ape-drunk, drunk as a wheelbarrow, jug-bitten, foxed, in my cups and tap-hackled when I accepted him, but that's completely different."
"I seeeeee! That's so much better."
"Indubitably"
"Extremely"
"Not this again?"
"I think you're confusing our dialogues. I've never actually done this one with you."
"Good point! I beg your pardon."
"Not again."
Agreed! As I was saying, I feel it incumbent upon me to travel with you to protect your reputation."
"Ship… Sailed… Bell… Rung… Shot… Fired… Bridge… Burned… Milk… Spilled… Chickens… Hatched… Are you catching my drift sir?"
"Ah, I see! You put the cart before the horse."
"Maybe not before it, but at least beside it"
"I'm still going with you."
"Sir, I have only three questions for you."
"Continue"
"Are you seriously thinking you will go with me?"
"I must. I shan't be dissuaded or impeded. Nothing shall stop me."
"How do you know that it's the worst brandy in England?"
"The good liquor is hidden in the back of the drawer. The decanter is rotgut saved only for Lady Catherine's usage. She can't tell the difference."
"Very well… One last question"
"Proceed"
"Why are you speaking in short, clear, sentences Mr. Collins?"
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"Darcy, I'm so happy to see you finally doing your duty."
"Thank you, Aunt."
"I've been waiting for this for many years."
"I understand."
"Why are you eloping? You could have a perfectly lovely wedding right here with all of your family with a special license."
"I want to be married now, without all the fuss and bother of a local wedding. Also, you know full well not everyone in the family or the ton will approve of my bride. Would you prefer to give your brother, the Earl, a chance to interfere? Or have Caroline Bingley or the viscount at the wedding?"
"Yes, yes… I see your point. It's good that you're thinking of those things. Still, I wish I could shop in town for her trousseau."
"That's very generous of you Aunt, but you know my bride doesn't need more fancy things than she already has."
"Yes, that's correct. She carries all the elegance a Darcy bride could ever require. Her clothing is already quite sufficient for the task."
"My point exactly, Aunt. My betrothed has all the nice dresses she needs for the moment. She only actually needs one for the wedding you know. That one and… well, best we not discuss any other clothing needs for the wedding night… er… day I mean."
"You're a practical man, nephew. I like that about you."
"Thank you, Aunt."
"If this is to take place in Scotland, I must insist on attending?"
"I don't recommend it, Aunt. Your presence is not required. We will be doing four days of hard traveling. My betrothed and I are in quite a hurry."
"As you should be. You've waited much too long to make this union. Pemberley has been awaiting a suitable mistress for years. It's been a long time since my dear-sister died."
"All things in their own time, Aunt. Before it was not time. Now it is?"
"So you're a philosopher, are you? There are few people in England, I suppose, who have more true enjoyment of philosophy than myself, or a better natural understanding."
"Yes, I can see that. Well, Aunt! I must be going. We will write you from Scotland."
"Very well, Nephew. Hasta la Vista."
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"Mrs. Bennet, when will our Lizzy return from Kent?"
"Oh, Mr. Bennet, I quite forgot to mention. Lizzy's return will be delayed."
"For how long?"
"Quite some time. At least a fortnight I believe."
"Why is that?"
"Because of Charlotte's pig"
"I fail to see how Charlotte's pig can have such an effect."
"Oh wait, now I remember. I think I got two parts of the letter mixed up. You know how I am with correspondence."
"Yes, my dear? You're nearly as bad as I am. I think Lizzy mentioned something about a letter to you in her letter to me, but I never made it past the first sentence. Pray tell me why her return will be delayed."
"Let's see. I have the letter right here. Let me just check. Hmmmm… Windows… Chimney… Cousin… Staircase… Chickens… Ducks… Frogs… Pig… Oh yes, yes! Here it is… Lizzy is going to Scotland to marry Mr. Darcy over the anvil on Tuesday next, and she has a diamond and ruby wedding ring."
"So she won't be back for at least a fortnight?"
"It wouldn't seem so."
"And she'll bring a new husband?"
"Apparently"
"So, she probably won't be staying long?"
"Probably not"
Sigh… "Perhaps I can teach Lydia to play chess."
"Papa! It's not fair that Lizzy gets to go to Scotland to get married, while I'm stuck here playing chess with you."
"Yes, yes, Lydia. I can see your point. Find yourself a beau and a ride to Scotland, and you may go, but take Kitty and Mary with you."
"Thank you Papa."
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"Say, Mick. Have you heard the latest? That Darcy fellow is eloping to Scotland with one of the ladies from the parsonage."
"Must be the skinny little blond one"
"Yes, that's the only possibility. You know the other one couldn't be dragged there if he plied her with brandy and compromised her, Haha… I'm sure if she met him in the woods, she'd as soon bash his head with a rock as look at him."
"Or a stick"
"A fan can be deadly"
"She probably keeps a stone in her reticule"
"Probably carries knives on her person somewhere"
"I'll bet the Dragon Lady is going to throw a screaming fit. We'll be picking up pottery all afternoon."
"No, that's the odd thing. Sam was there this morning, and she seemed perfectly happy about the whole idea?"
"Perfectly happy?"
"Yes, perfectly happy?"
"He's eloping with someone other than Miss de Bourgh, and she's not throwing anything?"
"No"
"Yelling at people?"
"No"
"Dismissing people without reference?"
"No"
"Taking to her bed with her salts?"
"No"
"Screaming for her parson"
"No"
"Instructing all and sundry how to do everything they already know how to do."
"No"
"Well, you have me flummoxed. What did she do?"
"Danced around the breakfast room like a monkey?"
"A monkey?"
"Yes, a monkey. I have it directly from Paul."
"What kind of monkey?"
"Paul didn't say. I'm not sure he's all that well versed in monkeys."
"So it might not have been a monkey at all. It could have been a gorilla or hyena."
"Yes, I suppose so"
"A bear or a wolf maybe?"
"Don't be ridiculous. Bears and wolves don't dance."
"Point taken! Too bad Paul couldn't be more specific… Say, do you know who won the pool night before last?"
"Yes, it was James with sixteen and a half minutes."
"Morning gents, which pool are you talking about."
"Morning Michael. You know the pool for how long it will take that little brunette from the parsonage to set the right and honorable Mr. Darcy in his place."
"Sixteen and a half minutes. Nicely done!"
"Yes. She despises him, you know. Can't stand the sight of him"
"Of course! Everyone knows that."
- Bzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz -
"Say Wickham! Your sense of style is… on the unusual side. I can appreciate the tar, but don't you think the feathers might be a bit much?" HAHAHAHAHA
"Say Wickham! You may want to reconsider your barber. I'm not sure having half of your head shaved, and the other painted green really works for you." HAHAHAHAHA
"Say Wickham! You're in the militia old man. Shouldn't your coat be red instead of brown?" HAHAHAHAHA
"Say Wickham! What's with the short trousers? What's next, leading strings?" HAHAHAHAHA
"Say Wickham! Why exactly did you get a giant letter 'L' tattooed on your forehead?" HAHAHAHAHA
"Say Wickham! Being a university man, perhaps you can enlighten me on a word problem. What exactly is Congress?" HAHAHAHAHA
"Say Wickham! Being a steward's son, maybe you can help me with some estate business. Where exactly would one purchase a goat?... At midnight!" HAHAHAHAHA
"Say Wickham! There was a large gentleman carrying a knife and club who is looking for you. Said he was a bailiff. Did he manage to find you?" HAHAHAHAHA
"Say Wickham! What did you do to the Bennet sisters? None of them will talk to any of us now – Even Lydia!"
"Say Wickham! I'll take those 2 pounds you owe me – Now!"
"Me Too"… "Me Too"…"Me Too"…"Me Too"…"Me Too"…"Me Too"…"Me Too"…
"Say Wickham! The colonel wants to see you in his office – Now!."
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"Darcy"
"Yes, Anne"
"We're not actually getting married are we?"
"Of course not, I'm marrying the love of my life."
"Ah, good to know! I never can tell about you when you're acting so irrationally."
"I'm in love. That's irrational by definition."
"Very true! You do know that her good friend in the parsonage despises you, right? You may want to avoid her."
"Odd, Aloysius thought the same thing, and I for the life of me don't understand it. I haven't talked to her much at all."
"I don't know, but it's clear from the way she looks at you that she's as soon squash you like a bug as talk to you. Can hardly stand the sight of you! I'd stay out of the way of her reticule and her fan if I were you. Maybe rocks as well."
"She hides it well. I'll have to make sure to avoid her."
"Good plan"
"Thanks, Anne. You will stand up for my betrothed won't you?"
"Of course! I wouldn't miss it for the world. You know of course, you'll be in my next book… presuming you bring enough absurdity to the story."
"The story already has your mother, Mr. Collins, an elopement, Aloysius, Bingley and my future mother-in-law?"
"I'm good. See you in an hour… and Darcy."
"Yes"
"Whatever you do, don't bring the Bingley sisters."
"Ouch! Agreed!"
