AN: Section Four of this chapter contains adult content. Anyone wishing to avoid that should scroll straight through that section.


one.


The stasis barriers had fallen, but the walls were higher than ever. Chill winds and thin air blew around them, and Shepard shivered as the anger and adrenaline she'd thrived on finally ebbed.

They were too alike, their resemblance beyond skin and sunken into bones. Brown flesh smoothed over the molten metal within. Guns and ghosts. A razor wire stretching over the years, and never a soft place to land, not for ones like them.

They would be lucky to end up as chalk outlines.

"Could you give us a minute?" Shepard asked Kaidan, well aware she'd already asked too much. She took pride in how her voice didn't crack this time. Kaidan's brows pulled in that way they always did when she asked him something crazy, but he jerked a quick nod at her and stepped back near the elevator. His eyes stayed trained on the clone, waiting for her to break the calm.

The clone, for her part, stood at the edge, eyes opaque. Shepard stepped beside her and ignored the vise clamped onto her heart. "What do you remember?" she asked.

"Nothing." The words were too quick, but Shepard didn't press. Let her keep her secrets; God knew Shepard had no right to judge. They stood, silent, as Shepard considered her next words.

"The French have a word for it." Shepard spoke too quietly for Kaidan to hear. "L'appel du vide. 'The call of the void.' It's the instinctive urge to jump from high places." Her lips shook over the words.

The clone wet her lips. "I didn't know that." She also spoke low, and couldn't banish her shaking.

"You didn't know to ask." Shepard stared out at the horizon. It was always the horizon for them, some point fixed one meter too far to ever reach. Sunset on the Citadel was a decline, not a descent.

When the clone crossed her arms, Shepard realized she'd already crossed her own. They mirrored one another, the battered archetype and her sleek, defective copy. "How could you do this to yourself?" the clone asked, her eyes squeezing shut. "Don't tell me you never looked back when it's always grinding at you."

"I honestly don't know," Shepard admitted. She glanced back at Kaidan, but his face had been wiped clean. "But I love them more than I hate myself."

That coaxed a humorless laugh from the clone. "That's a hell of a lot of love."

"Yeah," Shepard rubbed her straining eyes. "What happens next?"

The clone gazed down at the city below, streams of cars and buildings lit like Christmas trees. "Void's calling." She stepped up to the ledge. "Think I'll listen."

Shepard stayed where she was, even as her insides threatened to strangle themselves. "I won't stop you." She could. She stopped Samara, hadn't she?

"No," the clone sighed. "You wouldn't."

And Shepard didn't, but there was the still the rush of air filling the space where the clone once was, an absence keenly felt as Shepard watched her descent. It was beautiful, in a way. Not a tragedy. A last breath at the time and place of her choosing. There was freedom in the void, and Shepard wouldn't begrudge her that.

What was left was an ache; an infection freshly split open, dead flesh cut away without anesthetic. As the last two days washed over her, a blood tide threatened to pull her under. All the reckless destruction, all the misery she'd put everyone through, just to save someone who could never, ever be saved.

She looked to Kaidan again, rock-steady, endless patience to her ever-lit firework fuse.

Why had she even bothered?

"Shepard," Kaidan said, and then his hand was on her shoulder but it was wrong, all fucking wrong.

"Please don't." She wrenched away, her voice small. "Please don't pretend that didn't just happen. That none of it happened. It did." There it was, the fist-punch to the gut. The needles in her brain. And the pain, always the pain, lurking right below the anger, threatening to envelop her the moment she relaxed her trigger finger.

"I'm not pretending anything, Shepard—"

"No!" Shepard threw her hands up, fighting his attempts to move closer. "I know we need to talk. I get that." Her words were air leaking from bicycle tires. "But I—I just—I should go deal with...that." She gestured wildly to the window, her voice rising to a hysterical pitch. "I should go. Yeah, I need to—go. I should go."

"Shepard." This time he slipped through the fireworks behind her eyes.

She flew into his arms, a cry escaping her sandy throat. As hard as she gripped, he gripped tighter, as if they could crawl in to each other's veins and steal the comfort hiding there.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I'm so fucking sorry." The words were a mantra chanted into his throat as he held her shuddering frame, rocking them both.

"It's okay," he whispered, stroking her hair. His hand shook. "It's over, Shepard."

She lost track of time, lost time itself while they clung to each other in those stolen moments. In time, her sobs quieted to whimpers, her breathing slowed to almost normal, and the vise clamp in her heart loosened.

All their moments were stolen, but moments were all they needed.

She pulled away, but Kaidan tugged her hand back, twining his fingers with hers. They rode down the elevator hand in hand, and Shepard was grateful for that small connection.

"I still have to go," she admitted. C-Sec sirens blared in the distance. No doubt Hackett and the Council would catch wind of the fight and demand answers.

Plus, arrangements had to be made for the body. No one else would care, and Shepard couldn't quite live with the loneliness of that, of dying unwanted and unmourned. It struck at already-raw nerves. She couldn't ask that of Kaidan or any other member of the crew, though, not after what she and the clone put them through.

"Go ahead." His smile didn't quite reach his eyes. "I'll deal with the paperwork. You do what you need to do. Just...come home, okay?"

She almost started crying again, barely holding herself together as she nodded. "I'll be back. I promise."

Kaidan's chucked her under the chin, his half-smile not reaching his damp eyes. "I'll hold you to that."


two.


As much as Kaidan longed for a soft bed and a syringe full of sedatives, the evening wasn't over

After he'd waved off the C-Sec investigators with a flash of his credentials and a phone call to Commander Bailey, he headed back to the Normandy. The CIC was still a littered, half-torn mess, but Chakwas had temporarily moved back into the med bay. A call to the remnants of Alliance R&D yielded a way to synthesize a neutralizing agent for the gas tracers' bacteria, rendering them harmless.

"A dreadful business," Chakwas remarked as she injected the antidote into Kaidan. Between the topical anesthetic and the many other pains warring inside his brain, he barely noticed the needles. His head did throb when he had to reject the good painkillers, though he accepted the anti-nausea meds.

Tali rested in the med bay, a sterile barrier erected to keep her space germ-free. "Back at C-Sec, I thought the clone was about to cough on me," Tali commented. "But then she looked at me, and she stopped."

The last step, Kaidan thought. A line only Shepard dared to believe existed; a line Shepard needed to believe existed. "Are you feeling all right?"

"Oh, the usual. Fever, cough, disgusting things in my ears, nose and throat. Nothing I can't handle."

Kaidan smiled, really smiled. "Glad to hear it, Tali."

"I'm glad you're okay, too." Tali touched the barrier, and Kaidan put his hand up to meet hers. "Keelah se'lai, Kaidan."

Garrus had positioned himself at the mess table closest to the med bay, pouring over a stack of data pads while sneaking glances at the med bay doors. Kaidan closed his eyes, remembering himself in that exact position as he waited for Shepard to finish with Anderson and walk out of the med bay. He'd been in a daze, trying to wrap his brain around a woman who laughed off being hit by a Prothean beacon.

"I bet she wouldn't mind you going to see her," Kaidan remarked, keeping his tone neutral.

Garrus's mandibles flicked outward. "She'll think I'm hovering."

"It's not hovering." Kaidan slid the datapad stack across the table and out of Garrus's reach. "It's you going to see her. And if you are hovering, she'll tell you."

"Spirits." Garrus drummed his talons on the table. "Today I've infiltrated C-Sec, gotten jumped by Shepard's clone, stolen a C-Sec shuttle, assaulted on a mercenary base in the middle of the Wards, and gotten relationship advice from Kaidan Alenko."

Kaidan crossed his arms. "So how did Shepard's clone get the jump on you?"

Garrus leaned back, avoiding Kaidan's gaze. "I'd better go check on her now."

"That bad, huh?" Kaidan snickered as Garrus walked away, the turian holding up his middle talon in a very human gesture.

He loitered at the entrance of Liara's room, extending and retracting his knuckles three times before the doors whooshed open of their own accord. For once, Liara wasn't at her network terminals, but sitting on her bed, Glyph floating about her head. She didn't look up as Kaidan walked into her room.

"Is she okay?" Liara asked, her eyes dim.

Kaidan considered that. "I think so? It's...tricky," he said, unsure how to describe what had happened. If he even wanted to describe it. "She's sorry, though. For everything."

Liara laughed, and sounded only a touch bitter. "She's led all of us through dark times, and yet we were so unprepared for hers."

"Yeah." He rubbed at his temples, shapes at the corners of his vision. The battlefield meds were wearing off, but at least he wasn't craving another dose for any reason other than ordinary migraine pains. "I don't think even Shepard was prepared for hers."

"I see."

His brain hitched on a throb of pain as he struggled for words. "Liara. For what it's worth, I'm grateful for what you did. For Shepard," he clarified. "And the war, too. Even if the details were...sticky. And I know earlier I said some things..."

Liara clasped her hands. "I'm sorry too, Kaidan. Meeting that clone...I prepared myself for Cerberus failing to bring her back, but I never let myself consider any of the ways Cerberus might have twisted her. If I had, I might have stolen her back."

"I would've helped," Kaidan said with a rueful smile, "and she wouldn't be here now."

"And we would have no hope instead of a slim one." She picked up a datapad and held it out to Kaidan. "While we were busy with all this, Specialist Traynor was working with the Alliance. She may have found a lead on Kai Leng."

"That's great." He took the pad, skimming over the words. Mention of the Iera system caught his eye, but he couldn't think about that too hard tonight. "I hope you don't mind if I read this tomorrow?"

"Of course not. I think we all deserve a rest," Liara agreed.

As he turned to leave, Liara said, "Kaidan?"

He turned back, leaning on a console. "Yeah?"

Liara wouldn't look at him again. "When I first saw her on Ilium, after Cerberus brought her back, I hoped..." Liara's eyes were dim. "I don't know anymore."

Kaidan gave Liara a quick pat on the back. If there was one thing he empathized with, it was unrequited love. "You'll always be the one who did the impossible for her." Strange that so much of his happiness, his love, hinged on an act that his integrity would forbid. Thinking about that now didn't sit well with him. And if he lost Shepard again...

Now he was the one squeezing his eyes, shying from the truth.

Liara nodded, but her head hung low. "I know you make Shepard happy, Kaidan, but...it's hard to let her go."

"Yeah," he sighed. "Tell me about it." Much as he would've liked to, Kaidan couldn't blame Liara. He hadn't coped much better; he'd just gotten lucky.

"Truthfully?" She nibbled on her lip. "I haven't tried very hard. I'll have to do better. Shepard won't always be there to catch me, and...it would be nice to find a bondmate of my own."

He wasn't sure he rose to that level in Shepard's esteem, but the thought buoyed him anyway. "You deserve to be loved, Liara."

Liara's eyes had a bright sheen to them. "You're very kind to say that. Now if you'll excuse me..."

The door hadn't quite closed when her sobs escaped.

Javik stood to the left of the elevators, arms crossed, but every muscle tensed and ready to spring. Unlike Garrus, he didn't bother to mask his vigil with a pretense. The corners of his four eyes tightened as he regarded Kaidan, and his lips curled into a grisly snarl. "Major. You have made Liara T'Soni cry."

"I, ah..." Kaidan cringed, glancing back at the door. It wasn't as if he felt good about Liara's pain. "I think it's something she needs to do."

The Prothean gave him an acid glower, disbelief radiating off him. "Tears are a weakness. Why would one need to indulge in weakness?"

"Catharsis," Kaidan said. "She's grieving, Javik. If you don't let yourself grieve, grief will come and find you." Kaidan could testify to that.

Javik looked at Kaidan, looked over at the door, and then back to Kaidan. "Just when I start to think there is something of value to be learned from this cycle, I am disappointed again."

Kaidan's girlfriend was Commander Shepard. He knew when he was in a futile argument. "She'll be okay," he promised before the elevator doors shut.

He'd have to stay out Javik's way for a while. Then again, Javik never before used Kaidan's title to address him. Usually Kaidan was either 'human' or a specific death glare that coincided with mornings after he and Shepard had sex. (Which was most of them.)

He heard James ask Cortez, "Seriously man, you're not gonna tell you why I'm not your type?" as the elevator doors opened.

"You know, for a straight guy, you're pretty interested in what catches my eye, Mr. Vega," Cortez said with a wry smirk. James turned plum, and Kaidan chuckled as he walked past.

At the airlock, he hesitated, arguing with himself before sighing and heading over to the bridge. Joker and EDI had reassumed their rightful seats. "You know they still have to finish the retrofits, right?"

"Nuh-uh," Joker shook his head, and then winced. "They'll pry my cold, dead body out of this chair."

"Jeff has two broken bones and moderate joint inflammation," EDI informed Kaidan. "Excess movement is not recommended."

"Right," Kaidan said. "Maybe just try not to scare the retrofitting crew too badly?"

Joker snickered. "No promises."

"Was that a joke?" EDI asked.

Crashing on the Normandy would've been easier, and Kaidan half-regretted the impulse that prodded him into making a trek back to the Silversun Strip instead. The long-anticipated migraine had begun sinking its claws into his tender brain, however, and the drive core-free quiet of Shepard's new apartment beckoned.

Besides, he suspected Shepard would go back there when she finished her strange errand, and he wanted to be waiting for her when she arrived. That way she'd learn she'd always have somewhere to come back to.

The instant Kaidan stepped inside the apartment, the vid comm link pinged, the noise rattling his pounding skull. With a pained groan, he accepted the connection.

All three councilors appeared on the screen, with an anxious-looking Ambassador Osoba stood beside them. Kaidan squinted against the glare. "Major Alenko." Councilor Tevos laced her fingers together. "We had hoped to speak with Commander Shepard."

Kaidan took a breath and counted to five. "She isn't here, Councilors. Is there something you need?"

The Councilors exchanged looks, communicating entire novels in a language Kaidan didn't speak. Finally, they turned back to him, Tevos's jaw set. "We have heard some troubling rumors out of Tayseri Ward."

"Our sources indicate that you conducted a raid against a paramilitary group known as CAT6." Valern narrowed his eyes. "C-Sec arrested the men you didn't kill outright, but the property damage was extensive, and the local citizens are shaken."

"Most disturbing are the rumors about Shepard, including her allegedly jumping from a building," Sparatus added. "We need answers, Major."

He paused, letting the moment draw out the tension as he chose his words. "An anonymous source sent me a tip that CAT6 had been hired to eliminate several high-profile war leaders," Kaidan explained. The Council didn't need to know they'd been investigating their own assassination attempts. "My investigation led me to their Citadel outpost."

"You conducted this investigation, Major?" Did Valern have to sound so skeptical?

"I did." Kaidan let some of his resentment escape. He crossed his arms, daring them to challenge him. "CAT6's presence has been a major part of the recent gang wars in Tayseri Ward. The company was running protection rackets on several refugee camps and had dealings with two known red sand kingpins. Plus I'd need a week to rattle off their members' individual criminal records." He sent a silent thank you to Liara's information network.

"An action like this should have been coordinated with C-Sec." Sparatus pointed a talon at him. "Instead, you left them to clean up your mess."

"We had concerns about a security leak. The situation escalated too fast for me to send a sufficiently secured message to Acting Executor Lavinius."

Tevos, ever the diplomat, glanced between Kaidan and Sparatus. "Nonetheless Major, your actions have unsettled the entire region. Is that something we can afford, given the recent...setbacks?" Her face was distant, pained by the recollection.

"I'm a Spectre." The words tasted right in his mouth. Kaidan couldn't replicate Shepard's classic fuck-you face, but he settled into one of his own. "You appointed me to make calls exactly like this. If you don't trust me to act in the Council's best interests, then what are we even doing here?"

Another round of novel-length looks ensued. Kaidan kept his face blank, waiting for the silent deliberations to finish.

"Where does Shepard fit into this?" Valern asked, and Kaidan released the breath he'd been holding.

"She's conducting a parallel investigation. I ran the raid on CAT6."

Valern shut his eyes. "Given your record, Major, I confess we hoped your methods would be less...explosive than Shepard's," he remarked.

"Those methods saved your life. Twice," Kaidan reminded them.

"And given me an eternal headache in return," Valern said with a sigh. "Might we speak to Shepard, Major?"

"She's still undercover," Kaidan said, praying they wouldn't call his bluff.

"No backup?" Tevos frowned.

"Councilors, Shepard is one of the most talented covert operatives in the galaxy. I ran the CAT6 raid so Shepard could do what Shepard does best."

After a final round of FTL-speed nonverbal debates, the councilors turned back to him. "Very well, Major," Valern said. "We expect a full report soon, but you've obviously had a long day."

Kaidan huffed, searing pain and exhaustion rushing over him. "You have no idea."

"Commander Bailey already confirmed much of what you told us about CAT6," Sparatus added. "There were fifty-two arrests today, and Captain Evgenia of the Tayseri Street Gangs Unit said they expect a decrease in gang activity in the Ward. Bailey also speculated that at least two hundred cold cases would be cleared as a result of the raid. Whatever else you accomplished today, Major, that is a momentous achievement."

"I appreciate that, Councilors." Kaidan wished he could enjoy their approval, but his skull threatened to burst open and splatter his brain across the walls.

"Despite your unfortunate sponsor, we all agree you have great potential as a Spectre, Major." Tevos graced him with a warm smile. "Keep up the good work."

"Thank you, Councilors," he said, rubbing his head. "And I will."


three.


She almost tripped over one of Kaidan's gauntlets while walking inside the apartment. Kaidan had a strict policy of inspecting his armor the moment he removed it. That he'd left it strewn on the floor was a grave sign.

Shepard bent to pick the gauntlet up, but heard a moan of agony from the sofa when it clinked against a greave. Peering over, she found Kaidan lying there, still in his under-suit, with a hand thrown over his eyes. He'd managed to get the lights off and the windows' blast shield extended, but lost whatever momentum he'd mustered and collapsed on the sofa.

The noise he made when she touched him told Shepard that moving him wouldn't be an option. Her compromise was to creep upstairs and change, stealing one of his undershirts, before padding back down to settle on the other sofa. She curled up, keeping her breathing slow and quiet for Kaidan's sake.

What silent promise had she made in the Archives? To deal with the anger once she had time to stop and breathe. She had that now, and she hated it.

Sitting in the dark was never productive unless she was on a mission. She preferred perpetual movement. Shepards in motion stayed in motion, and Shepards at rest had demons ready to rear their ugly heads, old anger ready to crowd the unfilled spaces. When she closed her eyes she heard her mother, praying to gods too far away to answer. Dios te salve, Maria.

Well, she could always count the number of awkward apologies and complex conversations she'd need to have with her crew in the coming days. Even if by some miracle they forgave her, there would be lasting effects, something they couldn't afford with the Reapers advancing on every front.

Kaidan whimpered, shifting a bit. Shepard was torn on whether she wanted him to wake. Much as she hated seeing him in pain, once he did, they'd have to talk, and then he'd leave, because he'd finally gotten a glimpse of how very deep the void inside her went.

None of that even factored in what her clone had done to him. There were words for what had happened, but Shepard would let Kaidan decide if he wanted to use them.

And she wouldn't cut and run. She owed him the chance to leave on his own terms.


four.


He dozed between new waves of agony. Glimmers of clarity sparkled through the haze of torture: his head positioned over a bucket, a pillow propped beneath him, a cool hand stroking his blazing forehead.

When he cracked open his eyes, the pain had receded from lake of fire to mere inferno. Shepard sat on the sofa across from him. She'd pulled her knees to her chest, her arms curled around her legs.

"Hey." It was more a croak than a word.

Shepard flinched, drawn out of whatever thoughts gripped her. "You're awake," she murmured, and it was heavenly to hear her, even if the sound itself was gravel rubbing into his brain.

"How long...?"

She shrugged. "Couple hours?"

He took his time, lying there, finding his bearings. The migraine was on its way out, but he didn't want to push too fast.

"Hackett and I had a long conversation about indoctrination when I was under house arrest." She kept her voice whisper-light. "Specifically, about all my old crew. You guys have risen pretty high in the galaxy. He asked me if it came to it, if I could kill one of my people. I told him I didn't know. Guess I have my answer now."

He'd thought she was bluffing back at the tower, but her joyless chuckle told him otherwise.

"I put the profiles together so Hackett could deploy an N7 squad if any of you became indoctrinated. Weak points, suggested takedown tactics, electronic counter-measures. Had to send him regular updates." She propped her chin on her knees. "You guys just keep blowing past me."

It was painful to picture: Shepard locked in an Alliance cell, typing out ways to kill the people she loved. Kaidan was grateful Hackett had given her the out, but it was a burden no one should ever have to carry.

With a soft groan, Kaidan sat up, pleased there was no accompanying rush of nausea. He gave her a wobbly smile and patted the space he'd vacated. She eyed the couch cushion with the same level of enthusiasm as she did Reapers, but she did move, stationing herself at the far edge of the sofa.

His heart twisted. "It's okay if you don't want to sit with me," he said despite the dull pressure in his chest.

Shepard cocked her head at him. "Huh? Oh, no, just...I wasn't sure if you needed boundaries. After what happened with you and the clone."

He squeezed his eyes against the pain, the anguish beyond any migraine. "Shepard, I'm sor—"

"Don't you dare." Her voice rose, her snarl a black knot lodged in his throat. "Don't you ever apologize to me for that."

"I—" Hope and grief battled within him, his brain a confused throb.

"No." She struck like a cobra, her finger on his lips. In the dark her eyes were pure onyx, but she was still spice and gun oil and palladium in his nose. "Let me be clear. You did not know. It was not your fault. I do not blame you. I will never blame you."

The knot loosened as Shepard's hand dropped away. "It was my fault."

Kaidan couldn't follow her logic, so he reached for her receding hand, clasped it between his, and brought it to his lips. "Why?" he asked, the question sliding over her skin.

"Whatever crack she slipped through," Shepard said, "I made it, didn't I?"

He could've told her of course not, because Shepard wasn't responsible for his insecurities. He could've told her you had no way of knowing, because there was no way she could have predicted a Cerberus clone. He could've told her it doesn't matter, because they were here and the clone wasn't.

He didn't. He kissed her hand instead, letting his lips speak a different language, letting the silence act as an acknowledgment. She closed her eyes and sighed, leaning into him.

Kaidan trailed his hand down her cheek, tilting her chin to face him, and Shepard's eyes dipped down, glints escaping between the fans of her lashes. He brushed his lips over hers, and when her mouth parted, he found the homeland he sought in the contours of her mouth, the welcoming coil of her tongue. His eyes fluttered shut as he deepened the kiss, exulting in the warmth of her breath as he sipped it from her lips.

When her hands came to his neck, Kaidan rose halfway, gently tugging them upwards to stand. Shepard moved with him, never breaking contact with his hands or mouth, lingering a moment longer before releasing him.

With his hand in hers, they padded up the stairs, pausing to brush fingers over collarbones or drop pecks onto palms. Shepard unzipped his under-suit with languid movements, complying with the lazy tempo Kaidan set for them both. Her lips curled in the hollow of his neck as her fingers dallied over the edge of his briefs. For a moment, she rested there with him, both leaning in to the other to keep standing, and Kaidan closed his eyes, drifting with her.

Shepard's hand moved again, pulling down his briefs. As Kaidan kicked them away, Shepard sat at the end of the bed, her fingers lacing with his. She laid her head against his abdomen, and Kaidan stroked her hair, tangled in the soft waves, in the feel of her, in the simple joy of the moment.

She lifted her head and smiled up at him, and Kaidan's mouth responded of its own volition. He spread her out on the bed, trailing small, unhurried kisses up her thigh, stopping to breathe in the scent of her sex. Shepard gasped as his teeth scraped the delicate skin there, a full body shudder overtaking her.

It was different tonight, Kaidan's hazy mind gathered. Shepard was different tonight. She drew her shirt over her head, and Kaidan's breath caught, the way it always caught each time he first saw her naked. Most nights they were too wrapped in each other to stop and appreciate the view, but tonight he paused to trace with his eyes the curves of her teacup breasts, the flare of her hips, and the gleam of her well-defined abdomen. His cock ached to plunge into the dark curls between her legs, but Kaidan wanted to float, not thrust.

He lay beside Shepard, instead, and she turned to face him, a dreamy look on her face. "Hey," she whispered, brushing her fingers over his arm.

"Hey yourself," he murmured back, his hand cupping over one elegant little breast. He loved her. Those words had new gravity, pulling him deeper into their energy well as she nuzzled her nose against his. His fingers plied along the sides of her breast, teasing as they drifted along the edges, firm as they grazed the curve below, and Shepard huffed a moan, sweetly arcing into his touch. Kaidan's hands shook just hearing her, thumbing the dense brown peak. Her unsteady hands ambled across his jaw and behind his ear, the light pad of her fingertips dragging him under.

Shepard kissed him, her mouth swallowing his moan of pleasure as she found the sensitive skin near his jack. Kaidan's hand jerked at the tingling rush, pulling at her nipple. She hummed into him, her lips buzzing over his as one hand crept downwards, the other teasing her other breast. When she pulled back for air, Kaidan scooted down and captured the tip in his mouth, drawing slow circles with his tongue. Shepard breathed, the rising warmth between them still tempered by their quiet, drowsy movements.

I love you, he wanted to tell her, so he mouthed it into her breast like a secret as his hands traveled over the planes of her stomach. Shepard sucked in a hard breath, and Kaidan sucked at the nipple, his lips grasping as her body trembled. One teasing hand moved downward, stopping to trace patterns in the hollow of her hip, to travel of the curves of her backside, before dappling his way down to the contours of her.

"Please touch me," Shepard groaned, barely audible.

"Shhhh," Kaidan said, even as he acceded, his own fingers aching to find their way. Shepard was already pleasantly damp, her thighs tacky, and she groaned as his fingers fumbled through her dark curls. Her nail circled his aureole, the scoring causing him to lurch and swipe a finger hard over her clit and along one swollen fold. A throaty chuckle made his cock twitch.

In retaliation, Kaidan ran that same finger back upward, drawing a languorous path through her slit. He delayed at the sultry opening, rubbing it with slow, small circles that made Shepard utter his name as her thighs quivered. Shepard's hips rose to meet him, a tremor of longing rocking her against his hand. Kaidan continued upward, back to her clitoris, drawing one last arc before his thumb brushed over the nub, eliciting a cry from Shepard as he toyed with her.

Shepard's hands tangled in his hair, and Kaidan relished the way her fingers rasped over his scalp. His lips, still traveling her breasts, moved back upward even as he continued to stroke her.

His eyes caught in hers, and the jolt was pure electricity, her eyes sparking like exposed live wires in the darkness. Kaidan groaned as his cock brushed her curls, and his mouth caught hers, exploring her bottom lip as her hands roamed over the gooseflesh on his back. Shepard ground into him, the tip of his cock sliding along her slick folds as he teased her with his hand. Kaidan grunted, barely able to lift his eyelids.

At the prodding of her right leg, he lifted himself off the bed, allowing her to tuck her leg underneath him. They swayed closer to one another, searching for a comfortable rhythm.

When he finally slipped inside her, it was a joint venture, Shepard meeting his slow, easy push with a smooth rock of her hips. She was a soft, melting core around him, her muscles tightening as she wrapped her legs around him. Kaidan groaned aloud, dragging her as close to him with his free hand.

He couldn't take his eyes off her, breathed in hitches and gasps as he reveled in the feel of her. Shepard unfurled a lazy smile as they lay there, entwined and unmoving, letting the moment drift into an eternity. A tender hand brushed the curls off his forehead.

He moved in a slow cant, matching the light circles he traced along her clitoris. He kissed his way to her ear and bit the lobe, and her shivering keen sent biotic sparks glimmering over his skin, the hum of dark energy tickling his overwarm flesh.

She ran her hands over the globes of his ass, pushing him deeper inside her with a teasing squeeze to one of his cheeks. When he jolted, his forehead bumped into hers, and they both balked, chuckling as Shepard rubbed the sore spots.

Kaidan couldn't pinpoint what felt so different, and his lust-fogged mind preferred to dwell on the blaze of warmth around him, the tight drag of Shepard's muscles as she rocked with him, the roil of his hips as he thrust into her again and again.

Then he saw it, in her eyes as they rolled back, in her trembling mouth as it when slack, in the pulse at her throat. She was raw for him, exposed as she'd never been, barriers wavering, light pouring through the cracks in her walls.

He growled as she let out a long, lusty wail. Shepard clamped around him as her orgasm ricocheted through her system, every part of her quaking as pleasure overtook her. Moments later, he followed her, eezo crackling over his skin as he flared blue, hips pitching uncontrollably as he sunk into her again and again, his head light and his body ablaze.

"Love you," he moaned into her neck, the words ripped from him over and over as he poured everything into her, and he did love her, loved that she saw beyond black and white and Alliance blue to navigate the infinite gray, loved that she carried the entire galaxy on her slim shoulders with a wry smirk and a snotty quip, loved that she was pure palladium with a molten core only he saw, loved Shepard, all through the years and everything and until the end of time.

Kaidan gulped oxygen, trying to calm his hummingbird-fast heart, yet he was content to hold Shepard, be left wrecked and trembling in the wake of them. Shepard had that odd light in her dark eyes, the one that used to make him heartsick, but now he took it for what it was: he'd slipped underneath all her defenses.

Odd. Kaidan could practically draw a map tracing his path to Shepard, yet he'd never asked himself how he snuck past her barriers. Maybe he'd been too grateful to care.

"Love you," he repeated one last time, a verbal caress, as he slipped out of her. Kaidan moved onto his back, and Shepard rested her head on him, her warmth a reassuring weight as he drifted off to sleep.


five.


Shepard knew the exact moment Kaidan awakened, but she kept still, her breathing deliberate as she delayed the truth. She was still wrecked, her old fortifications swept away in the wake of him, but somehow she felt grounded for the first time since Thessia.

"She was trying to help me," Shepard said, letting the words settle into the darkness.

Kaidan stiffened under her, and she didn't have to look to know he had a bewildered expression on his face. To his credit, he didn't dismiss her with a scornful laugh or a sarcastic crack. Shepard wasn't sure she could've borne that.

His silence emboldened her. "After the raid, I was alone. Everything, everyone I'd ever loved had been stolen from me. And even though it destroyed me, there was a...freedom in their being gone. No one to love also meant no one to hurt, to disappoint. Twisted, but true."

She felt him swallow beneath her. "You sound wistful."

"No." The clone had wiped that clean. "I found my brother's name on a list of captures."

"The Shepards were all declared dead."

"The Shepards were." Small as the colony had been, she'd never even heard of the Shepard family until the Alliance declared her one of them. "But Tomás Contreras was reported as having been captured."

Kaidan didn't respond for a long time. "Maria Contreras," he murmured. "So that was your name."

"It's strange hearing that out loud," Shepard admitted. As of September, she'd been Shepard longer than she'd ever been Maria Contreras.

"I kinda like it," he told her, petting her hair, "but you're still Shepard to me."

Once after the Battle of the Citadel, they'd snuck out together after a meeting and found a still-open asari sweet shop in Zakera Ward. The human girl working there had been named Maria, and Kaidan, who liked to call service workers by their names, said Thank you, Maria when the girl handed him their treats. Shepard had been riveted, torn between the sick lurch she always felt when she heard her name aloud, and a dark, unsteady thrill at hearing Kaidan say it. That same thrill ran down her spine when he said it just now.

Shepard twisted around, resting her chin on her arms and her arms on his chest. Kaidan's lids were heavy, still dreamy from sleep. He lifted a hand to her face, thumbing her cheek before placing it on her elbow.

"I went after him."

His head rose up, studying her through bleary eyes. "How?"

"Punched a social worker, stole his credit chit, and smuggled myself aboard the first shuttle off Arcturus Station. Hitchhiked the rest of the way."

Kaidan's chest rumbled underneath her as his head dropped back, his eyes drifting shut. "Sounds like there's a story there."

"There isn't," Shepard said quickly. There was, but it wasn't a good one. "It took me four months, but I found what I was looking for."

"Your brother?"

"Counter-Hegemonists." His eyes cracked open. "I figured there had to be batarians out there who hated the Hegemony as much as I did. I got wind of a group on one of Adek's moons called the Korrites. The largest group, and the only one active in the Kite's Nest. They were...surprised, but they took me in. I spent the next eight months as a batarian freedom fighter."

Kaidan let out a low whistle between his teeth. "Shepard, that's...and I thought Vyrnnus was intense."

"Don't compare them," Shepard said. Liara obtained some of the records on BAaT at Shepard's request, and even she'd had to set the datapad down a few times to process what she read. If anything, she admired Kaidan for not killing the bastard sooner. "I have some stories, but there's one you need to hear."

It took a while to gather herself, to select words that would allow her to explain this without breaking down or sending him packing. "We put together a plan to bomb a plantation. Major hub for the region, where they hosted most of the auctions. Plan was to hit on auction day, since most of the landed owners would be there."

"And their slaves." Kaidan sounded sad, but not condemning.

Shepard stared at the wall. "Better to die than be a slave, right? That's what I told myself. I rigged the auction block. Wasn't the only target but..." She sighed, sorting through the memories from the safe zone she'd created inside her mind. "The leader knew I was looking for Tom. She spotted his name on the trade manifest. I didn't find out until...after."

Say something, she silently begged him. Yell at her. Throw her off. Storm out of the apartment. "You didn't know, Shepard."

"That's not the point!" She shook her head, her whole body, rejecting his comfort. "What difference did it make? It disrupted the region's supply lines for months, rattled the Hegemony's elite. We were sending a message, fighting to end the Hegemony. To end slavery. What's one life, no matter how important that life was to me, against an idea that big?"

She waited for him to grasp her words. "You don't think you would've saved him," Kaidan murmured, his voice slow.

"It's academic. I never had the choice. And once he was dead, it didn't matter. They were all gone." She looked away. "I would've liked the choice."

The stroking began again, and Shepard flinched before realizing Kaidan still wanted to comfort her. After a few moments fighting herself, she accepted the reassurance. "What happened then?" he asked.

"A big boom and a lot of dead rich batarians. The Special Forces group that'd been dealing with the Korrites pulled me out when things got too hot. N6s and N7s. One of the N6s pulled me aside, told me I was wasted out there, that the Alliance would train me to kill aliens and pay me to do it. Also, free dental."

"Free...dental?"

"I had a toothache." Kaidan didn't ask about the N6, which was a relief. Shepard didn't see him again until the day he killed Thane Krios. "Spent a couple months bumming around Earth until I got bored and walked into the nearest recruitment office."

"So..." He groped a bit for a question. "Is that it? The worst thing you've ever done?"

Shepard laughed, the sound hollow. A dozen images flashed through her mind. "Not even close. I did a lot of nasty work, especially during black ops. Told myself it was for the greater good, sending a message. Like Torfan. Torfan was a message I still believe was worth sending. But I didn't just cut corners, Kaidan. I took a fucking hacksaw and obliterated them. Most of it's classified and I..." She put her head on his shoulder. "I'm not very good at this, Kaidan."

"It was a good start," he murmured as she wrapped her arm around his chest, "but it can't be the end, Shepard. I love you, but you...I can't wait in limbo for you forever."

"I know," she whispered, her voice cracking. "I know I've been punishing you for Horizon. I meant to forgive you. I really did. You had every reason to walk away. But I have all this garbage, Kaidan, and you're a good man. Way before Horizon I knew you'd eventually take your way out, and standing there that day it was just...yeah. I guess I'm still waiting."

"Oh, Shepard." Kaidan's voice was hoarse, cracking over name. He cuddled her closer to him, his arm a vise around her waist. "There's no way out for me. There's never been a way out for me. Best I've ever managed is damage control."

Her mind whirled as the words sunk into her psyche. "Oh," was all Shepard could think to say. He kept stroking her hair, though the pace had slowed.

"I wasn't always this fucked up," Shepard informed him. "My family...they loved me, Kaidan. And then were gone and I...I used to tell myself Maria was dead and with them, and Shepard's all that remains. Shepard doesn't feel any pain. Shepard can lose herself in the mission. Shepard is free."

When he didn't say anything, she continued. "So you see, she was trying to help me. She thought if you were all gone, then I'd be free too. Then she got caught in her own trap. I think I knew only one of us was leaving Magdalena alive, but I had to try."

Kaidan's eyes were cold and soft, like he'd just come in from a snowstorm. "Are you in that much pain, Shepard?"

"No." She kissed his chin. "Not like that. It was hard for a long time, on both Normandys, but it's been worth it. I changed, Kaidan. Eden Prime, the beacon...you. You changed me. I couldn't go back to living that way if I tried." She had tried, in fact.

His hand stilled over her hair, trembling a bit. She knew she should push herself, tell him all the things locked up inside her. That he showed her she could fight, and win, without a wellspring of rage in her chest. That he was the last thing she saw when she died and the first thing she saw when she woke up again. That she'd loved him across two lifetimes and been better for it.

Pure exhaustion smothered her under its weight, draining away her good intentions. Shepard yawned, and moments later, Kaidan mimicked her. She nestled close to him and closed her eyes.

"You still think that?"

"Mmm?" Between her tired brain and Kaidan's sleepy slur, she couldn't grasp the question.

"You still think you died with them?"

Her eyes snapped open, but gravity began dragging them back down. "Not sure. Thinking earlier I had it all wrong." She'd surprised herself when the notion popped out, mixed with thoughts of the clone, doomed before she ever had a chance to be someone other than a pawn in someone else's game. "They've been alive all along. Because they're with me."

The silence stretched on so long, Shepard assumed Kaidan fell asleep. Then he murmured, "Maybe my dad's alive too."

"Sure." Shepard's eyes closed again, but her mind started working over the possibilities. "And Mordin's alive."

"Thane Krios," Kaidan mumbled.

"Legion." More of an exhale than a statement.

"And Ash." Kaidan's hand drifted down her arm, and Shepard smiled through her drowsy haze. "Ash is alive."

"Definitely," she agreed. They drifted, together, in the quiet.

"Yeah," Kaidan breathed. "I like that."