I hate myself. I physically hate myself. I'm so angry at what I'm putting Belle and Marie through.

It's been two weeks since the break-in. The next day Belle and I packed up the necessities like clothes and some food and stuffed it into three suitcases. I emptied my bank account and we left.

Left our home and left our lives. No correction, Belle and Marie left their homes and their lives. I'm still going to work because we need the money. It's too dangerous for them to go to school so I called the headmaster and told him there had been a death in the family and that they would be missing the next few weeks.

He was full of sympathy and condolences that made my stomach churn in guilt.

The first few nights we stayed at a hotel but there was no way I could afford to keep paying that price forever and so we moved in here.

This hovel of an apartment.

Two tiny bedrooms, one even tinier bathroom and a corner kitchen. It was so disgusting I nearly scourgified the place as soon as we stepped in, but I didn't. Instead Belle and I went to the local shop, bought some cleaning supplies and scrubbed the whole night long.

It's heart-wrenching having to listen to Marie's questions about when we're going to be going back home. Belle and I always end up distracting her with the idea of chips for dinner but even that doesn't seem to be having the desired effect anymore. At least I get a chance to get out of the dump for most of the day. Belle and Marie are holed up in here day and night.

Every morning when it's time for me to leave my heart clenches in fear. What if something happens to them? What if something happens to me? Two days ago when this occurred to me I transferred all my savings into Belle's account and I stuck the deeds to the house at the bottom of her suitcase.

I was breaking my promise to them. The promise I'd made to myself, that they would make the most of their lives. It was because of me that they were stuck here. It felt horrible hearing their "Love you back" in the mornings when I left.

I didn't deserve their love.

"What do you want?" I ask him as he bursts into my room.

I can still hear the party going strong downstairs. Some prominent Death Eater had been apprehended and was currently awaiting trial in Azkaban for the torture and murder of 27 muggle schoolchildren.

It was the first bit of good news in weeks and a celebratory party was organised to boost the ever lowering morale.

I of course hadn't been invited.

"Corisi, Corisi, Corisi. Sitting up here all by your lonesome again?" I can faintly smell the firewhiskey coming from where he was standing.

"You're drunk." He ignores me.

"Do you know why you're sitting here all alone?"

Because all the people I thought were my family turned out to be jackasses?

"Because you don't have anyone left."

The obvious comment still stings when it comes from his mouth.

"You hurt everyone you love. You cause them pain." He slurs slightly.

It is then that Remus appears at the door, drags Sirius out, gives me a look which I can't decipher and closes the door again.

I made the mistake of telling Belle this five nights ago. She'd gotten angry at me, denying it, claiming it wasn't true. I had merely shaken by head and told her that if she didn't hate me now, she would soon start to resent me.

She stopped trying to change my mind two days ago.

It was like we we're living in limbo. We're living but it feels more like we're simply existing. Struggling and fighting for one more day in this horrible world.

Some days I wish that Voldemort would just come and find me. At least then there would be an outcome one way or the other and people could get their lives back on track again. I realise that I'm being selfish and I force the thoughts out of my head…but late at night when I watch Belle and Marie sleeping, they creep back into my mind, staying with me until the sun comes out in the morning.

Our relationship with each other had changed. We used to be so close; we would tell each other everything. We were the three angels. Now we're more like the three fallen angels. We fell from heaven and landed with a great big thud. Marie's more solemn and quite than she used to be; picking up on Belle and mine's grave mood. There are fewer smiles, less laughter, less hugs and most of all, less songs at bed time. She'll fall asleep without disturbing us.

Belle has the same fire that I have in my eyes and it's slowly slipping away. We lie to each other constantly; we're fine, we had a goodnight's sleep or the biggest lie of all…that we would be alright in the end.

The end…it was on my mind constantly. I found myself playing the "what if" game in my head constantly.

What if I had never become a witch?

What if I was still a member of the Order?

What if I had never become a spy to protect them?

What if Sirius still loved me?

It's time to move someplace further away. Two weeks is enough in one place. We packed our things this evening so we can leave straight in the morning whilst it is still early and there are less people about on the streets. Belle and Marie have long since fallen asleep and I sit here watching them.

My eyes are heavy but there are too many thoughts in my head and I can't get rid of them. The last time I glanced at the watch it was 2:30 in the morning. I don't know when I fell asleep but I wish I hadn't. I had horrible flashbacks of the last battle, and then I saw something new. A vision.

I'm flying in the sky looking down on a battle under me. I'm falling towards them and I land with a thud on the floor, the ground beneath me shaking. I stand up and I see him.

Voldemort.

He's talking to me but I can't hear anything. I feel my magic flowing through my body and I start to rise into the air as what seems to be a lightening bolt strikes me. I create a wall of water around the Order and myself, whilst flying higher in the sky. Voldemort joins me shortly. Before I know it I'm tumbling down to the ground. I can see him saying something to me as I lay there at his feet. I fly back up into the air and suddenly my eyes are blinded by a shining white light. I force my self to look up into the sky and see a bright green light.

Voldemort's gone.

I fall from the sky. An angel falling from heaven.

I wake up covered in sweat and breathing heavily. My lips are dry as I run my tongue over them my heart still pounding wildly.

Was that a dream? Or was it a vision like two years ago?

I don't know what to do…I know deep down that it's a vision, which means that it's going to come true whether I want it or not.

I'm scared.

Not normal scared…I'm terrified. I feel dizzy and sick.

Oh God. I'm going to have to fight him again. I force my breathing to steady and wildly try to remember how long after I had seen the vision last time did it come true.

Two days or three days? Two days or three days?

"THINK!!!" I scream at myself.

Three days……I'm sure it's three days. I run into Belle and Marie's room and gently shake them awake.

"Marie honey…it's time to wake up." I say. She sits up sleepily and rubs her eyes.

"Why don't you go and brush your teeth in the bathroom." I wait patiently while she leaves the room. I turn to Belle and find her awake already, silently regarding me. She opens her mouth to ask me something but I interrupt.

"I just had a vision. Or…I think it was a vision. I saw the battle happening. I was there. I fought him." I say. Belle's eyes widen in shock.

"How long?" she stutters.

"Three days." I reply quietly. We look at each other.

"Does it always come true?" she asks. I look at her before nodding my head.

"You're going to leave us?" she says in a strangled voice after a while. My head flies up and I look into her teary eyes. I move towards her hugging her tightly to me.

"No Angel…not if can help it. I would never leave you or Marie on purpose." I say. Her hands tighten around my neck and I rub her back soothingly. We hear the bathroom door open and we pull away from each other. Belle quickly wipes her eyes so Marie won't see anything. She sits up quietly and walks into the bathroom, closing the door behind her.

"Where are we going?" Marie asks me quietly. I look at her afraid of the answer.

"17 Kingston Place. Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix." I reply softly.

I'm not sure if Marie hears me or understands me for that matter but she leaves me alone, moving to the kitchen.

17 Kingston Place. Previous home of Sirius's deceased Uncle Alphard.

The place that I'd promised myself I would never go back to ever again. The place that haunts me in my dreams.

Belle comes out of the bathroom and I walk in. I brush my teeth quickly and wash my face. I look into the mirror above the sink and for the first time in two years, look at myself properly.

Same yet different.

I've still got the same black curls that fall down to my waist and the same piercing green eyes…that look like they're dead. I look away quickly.

I splash some cold water onto my face and scrub it away until the skin burns red. We're out of the flat by 3:30. I hitch a black taxi and help the driver load our luggage in the boot while Belle cradles a sleeping Marie in her arms.

"Where to love?" the driver asks me from his seat. I realised that Muggles can't see the Headquarters.

"London will do for now." I reply back. He nods his head before setting off. We reach London in an hour. Belle's fallen asleep with Marie still lying on her lap. My eyes are glazed from looking outside.

"We're in London love." He says, startling me.

"Kings Cross Station please." He nods his head before turning off the motorway.

When we arrive he unloads our bags as I wake Belle and Marie up. I pay him, thank him and watch him drive off.

"Here." I say to Belle, my arms outstretched. She passes me a still sleeping Marie. It's five in the morning and London's beginning to wake up, but it's still pitch black outside. I take a suitcase in one hand while Belle takes the other two and we begin walking.

"How far is it?" Belle asks. I look at her. Her eyes are red from lack of sleep and her body is slumped and hanging.

"About half an hours walk." She looks at me but doesn't say anything, merely nodding.

We reach there about 40 minutes later. My eyes take in the great house before me, and dread slowly starts filling my body.

Excitement bubbles up inside me.

It's been over three months since the last time I saw Sirius.

Three long months since I've looked into his mischievous eyes, three months since I've been wrapped in his arms, three months since I've kissed his mouth.

My smile widens even further and try as I might I can't stop it.

He's standing right behind this door!

Thinking about that, why am I still standing on this side of the door then?

Just when I'm about to ask Dumbledore that very question he steps forward and opens the front door. It's quiet inside. There's no-one in the passage way.

I feel a pang of disappointment which I shake off.

I'm being silly! What did I expect? Some huge welcome back party? They probably didn't even know when Dumbledore was going to bring me here. How can they plan a surprise party?

I shake my head before stepping into the house.

Still no-one.

"Where is everyone?" I ask Dumbledore.

"I suspect they'll be in the kitchen. I'll go and inform them of our presence." He leads me into a sitting room.

"Why don't you wait in here? I will be back shortly."

I want to go with him and surprise them all in the kitchen but before I can voice my plan Dumbledore is already striding out of the room. He closes the door shut behind him softly.

I look around the room but don't really take anything in. One of my eyes is permanently glued to the door, willing it to open and for Sirius to be standing there.

Five minutes later and it's still shut.

Maybe Dumbledore got way-laid talking to some-one. You'd think he'd tell them I'm back before discussing other Order business.

Ten minutes later and the door is still shut.

What is taking so long?

I feel slight disappointment creep back inside my mind.

Surely, Dumbledore's told them by now. If Sirius and I were in reversed situations and I heard that he was back after 3 months of absence I would run straight into this room and throw myself at him.

Why isn't he throwing himself at me already??

13 minutes later and my dreams come true.

The door slams opens so hard that it bangs the wall behind it and vibrates before coming to a stand-still.

Sirius. My face splits into a smile.

My eyes greedily drink him in. I swear I'm never leaving his side again.

It's when I take my second look at his face that I realise he's not smiling. He's looking at me as if he's never seen me before.

He's shocked! I guess I got to surprise him. I step forward and he recoils.

That stings. I freeze in my steps. His face changes from portraying shock to hate.

What? My eyebrows knit together and I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Sirius" I whisper.

He clenches his jaw, takes one last look at me (which makes me feel like I'm the smallest person in the wizarding world) before turning away and walking off.

I stand in the same place unsurely.

That wasn't the reaction I was expecting. Where's my smile? Where's my hug? Where's my kiss?

Welcome back? Why does it seem like I'm not welcome?

Boy am I going to receive a frosty reception.

"I can't see anything" Belle whispers. I dig my hand into my purse and pull out an old receipt and pen. I scribble the address on it and give it to her. She reads it before looking back up again.

"Oh My God…" she says gazing up at the house. We stand there for a minute just looking at it.

"Maybe we should ring the doorbell or knock on the door or something."

We move through the gate and walk up too the front door. I move forwards, knock three times and then step back. We wait for ten seconds but there's no answer. I move forwards again, my arm balled up in a fist ready to knock again, when the door swings open revealing two people. Unfortunately my hand carries on moving forward and bangs one of their foreheads before I can stop it. They both look at us shocked.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius hisses. I open my mouth to say something but no words came out.

"Are you alright?" Remus asks in a worried tone after seeing our bags.

"I need to see Dumbledore." I say in a wooden tone. Remus opens his mouth to say something but Sirius cuts him off.

"In case you haven't noticed it's not even six in the morning. He isn't here. What a shame." He says before making to close the door. My hand slams on it causing him to re-open it.

"I need to talk to him." I say through gritted teeth.

"And I told you that he isn't here." He says in a voice as if I'm a three year old. He makes to close the door again but my foot stops it.

"Can we please come in and wait for him then?" I ask as politely as I can muster.

"Of cour…" Remus begins.

"No." Sirius closes the door in my face.

I look at Belle. It looks like we were waiting outside then. Belle however has different ideas as she walks up and begins pounding on the door until Sirius opens it again.

"What are you still doing here?" he asks venomously. "I thought I told you to come back later but you never lis…"

"SHUT UP!" Belle and I yell at him at the same time. He looks shocked before a scowl replaces his features.

"I have had enough of your bloody snide remarks at me. I get that you hate me okay…. I get that you don't want to see me and don't want to be in the same place as me but I have to talk to Dumbledore about something important. Do you really think I would be here of all places if I didn't have to be? So can you please just SHUT UP and let us in. I promise that we won't bother you. Hell, you can make us wait in the basement. I don't care. After I've talked to Dumbledore you'll never have to see me again. You can go on with your life and hopefully I can go on with mine. OKAY!" I shout at him.

He reels from my words before opening the door a fraction more.

I feel quite proud of myself at that moment.

"Thank You." I say grudgingly. I walk into the massive hallway and Belle follows me.

"Ah! I thought I heard your voice Miss Corisi."

Author's Note: So my time machine did not work and I am now unfortunately a year older. Such joy (!). I'm not the biggest fan of this chapter but I needed it to get the story moving some more. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Oh and an absolutely huge massive thank you to the four of you who reviewed the last chapter. It was actually the most reviews I've gotten for a chapter in this story so you definitely made me happy.

Snippet from Chapter 8

"Cooty boy said he would sex you so you wouldn't leave....What's sex?"