Chapter 7: Heaven or Hell?
Disclaimer: Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer. I am only borrowing a few of her characters. The remainder of the story is my own. No reproduction is permitted without my written consent.
Author's Note:
This chapter is dedicated to my incredible beta, Spikey. RL's been rough on her lately, so everyone please say a little prayer for her.
Song for this chapter:
Angel without Wings by Saving Abel
Sucked into another black hole
Drag me further down the road
I can't keep from feeling
Time drags me down the line
Gets me closer every time
Cause it's you I'm missing
You're my angel without wings…
BPOV
The singer crooned the words to Aerosmith's classic song into the microphone, taking me back to my first high school dance. I remembered dancing awkwardly to this tune with some boy whose name I had now long forgotten. I smiled, recalling how I put my hands on his shoulders with his hands on my waist. We had danced with a foot of space between us, our feet never moving as our bodies swayed to the music.
This was so much better.
I could feel a trail burning across my skin everywhere his fingers touched. His hand moved slowly across my stomach, and as we continued to move with the beat of the music, I felt his thumb graze the bottom of my breast.
I leaned back into him, wanting more.
I don't know if it was the alcohol running through my bloodstream, or the physical contact with this handsome, sexy man, but inside of me a flame was lit.
Every movement of his hands, and every inch of his body pressed against mine fanned the flame of my desire until it was a raging inferno.
"Edward, yes," I whispered softly to myself.
In that moment, everyone else around us ceased to exist. It was just me and my green-eyed lover, and I wanted him like I had never wanted a man before in my life.
Suddenly, I was jolted back to reality as a shower of sparks erupted from the sound board. The lights went out and the music cut off instantly. The sound was replaced by shrieks as chaos erupted in the crowded bar.
"What the fuck!" shouted an all too familiar voice from behind me.
The emergency lights clicked on. I turned suddenly and looked into the eyes of a stranger in the face of the man I longed for. This wasn't Edward, it was Anthony. I had allowed the music and alcohol to numb my mind and body into a dream state, willing myself to believe the impossible. An intense feeling of disenchantment hit me like a slap in the face, but I had no time to react before another hand grabbed mine, pulling me away.
"Bella, this way!" Jasper yelled over the uproar. I followed blindly as he pulled Alice and me through a back door behind the stage.
The cool night air washed over me as I stepped through the door. I inhaled deeply, letting the oxygen clear my mind of the confusion of the past few minutes. Other people were pouring out of the bar behind me, and I lost Jasper and Alice in the crowd. After searching for a few minutes, I finally found them down the alley, huddled next to the wall. Jasper sat on the ground with Alice curled up in his lap. Her breathing was erratic, and I realized that she was hyperventilating. Jasper rocked her back and forth, trying to calm her down.
I crouched down next to her, rubbing her back. "Alice, it's okay. I think everyone got out." This only seemed to make her worse, so I sat back wrapping my arms around my knees, not knowing what else to do for her.
Finally, after a few minutes her breathing slowed down until she was crying quietly into Jasper's shoulder. "I saw it," she sobbed, her voice so quiet I could barely hear it.
"Shh, it's okay," Jasper whispered back, still rocking her.
"No, I saw it!" She pulled back to look at him. "In the vision, the day we first met!"
Jasper looked back at her, confused. "I don't understand. What does this have to do with the day we met?"
"Do you remember when I first met you on the street that day?" she asked, tears still running down her face. "It was an ordinary day, just warm enough that you could work out in the sunshine with a few clouds here and there. Work was busy enough to keep my mind occupied, but nothing noteworthy had happened. I should have known that no day could possibly be that ordinary," she laughed and sniffled at the same time.
Jasper tilted her face up so that he could look her in the eye. "Alice, I don't understand. What could that day possibly have to do with what happened here tonight?" he asked.
"I was just walking down the street when I looked up into your eyes and passed out on the sidewalk."
"I remember," Jasper said. "What happened to you?"
Alice looked down, as if she was afraid of telling him. "I had a vision."
Jasper ran his finger along her jaw, lifting her eyes back to his again. "Tell me," he said softly.
Once she looked him in the eye again it was as if the magnetic connection had sprung up between them again, and she couldn't look away.
"I've had them since I was a child. I could see things that were going to happen. Just glimpses, scenes that would play out in the coming weeks or months, sometimes in ways that I could never anticipate. But I've never passed out like that before." Her words were strong and clear now.
"The vision that day was intense. I've never had one so clear or powerful before, but even as you were helping me up, I could feel it slipping away. That's why I rushed away so quickly that day. The visions are like a dream. If I don't commit them to memory immediately, they fade away."
"But I still don't understand," Jasper interrupted. "You saw what would happen here tonight?"
"I saw a lot of things, but you and Bella were a part of most of them. Even though you were total strangers at the time, I knew our paths were meant to cross." She pressed the palms of her hand to her eyes, as if trying to bring back the images she saw that day.
"I saw Bella dancing with a man, and then the sparks flying and the panic, but I didn't recognize it until it was too late."
Alice tore her eyes away from Jasper finally to look at me. "Bella, when I looked back and saw you dancing with Anthony everything clicked into place, but it was too late to stop it! It all happened so fast! People were screaming and pushing for the door! I should have done something!" She leaned back into Jasper's shoulder sobbing again.
"There was nothing you could have done, sweetheart," Jasper whispered soothingly.
Jasper helped her up after a few minutes, and the three of us walked up the street to his car. A volunteer fireman directed us across the street away from the bar. There were still people everywhere, but the situation had calmed down considerably. It appeared that the fire was out.
Anthony was nowhere to be found. I assumed that he made it out okay. I said a silent prayer for his safety, but otherwise put him out of my mind. I wasn't ready to acknowledge what had happened yet.
Jasper helped Alice into the front seat of his car while I slid into the back.
"I'm going to drop you off first, Bella. I want to make sure Alice is okay before I leave her." Jasper shifted the car into gear, and then reached over to hold Alice's hand as we drove away. She clung tightly to him all the way to my house.
I could already see the connection that was forming between the two of them. I was glad that he was there for her, but I also couldn't help feeling even more alone.
Jasper pulled the car into my driveway. As soon as it stopped he hopped out and opened my door for me.
Before I climbed out, I reached up to pat Alice on the shoulder. "Are you going to be all right?" I asked.
"Yes," she responded in a tired voice. "I've been living with the visions all my life. I've just never had one turn out so real before."
"You go back and get some rest. Jasper will take good care of you. He's always done the same for me."
She smiled and patted my hand in response before I slid out of the car where Jasper was waiting.
"Bella, are you sure you are okay? Maybe the three of us should stay here tonight."
"Don't worry. I'll be fine," I reassured him. "Take Alice home and stay with her for a little while. She needs you more than I do tonight."
"Thanks, Bella." Jasper gave me a quick hug, and climbed back into the car. He waited until I had the door open, before giving a final wave and driving away.
The house was warm and stuffy from baking under the hot sun all day. I moved from room to room opening windows in the hope of catching a cool breeze but it didn't do much good. It was going to be difficult to get to sleep in the sticky heat.
I rifled through my drawer looking for a nightgown that was light enough to be comfortable. My fingers grazed a package wrapped in tissue paper that I had forgotten about. I pulled it out and carefully unwrapped the paper. Inside was a white baby doll nightie that Jasper's mom had given me when I got married.
I never had the chance to wear it. A little spice was the last thing my love life had needed at the time, but she never knew that. I remembered hiding it away as soon as I opened it. I hadn't wanted Jake to see it and fly into a jealous rage.
Pushing the memories of my late husband away, I picked it up and walked into the bathroom to get ready for bed. I ran quickly through my normal bedtime routine, and then changed into the nightie. Without a glance to the mirror I went back to my bedroom to try to get some sleep.
As soon as I walked into the room I could feel the atmosphere shift. It practically crackled with energy. The temperature hadn't changed but it felt almost cool. Where the air had been pure humidity before, it was now dry enough to feel the static electricity.
Looking up, I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror. A stranger stared back at me. She had my hair and my brown eyes, but this woman had something that I never did. She was sexy.
I had never felt sexy. Sex went from being painful to being an obligation in a matter of weeks. At its worst, it became a test of my endurance.
During my counseling after Jake's death I was encouraged to try a little 'self-love', but it never felt right. I knew the mechanics of how it worked, but I could never take myself all the way. Eventually I gave up figuring that it just wouldn't happen for me.
Tonight, with my sexy nightie and my fantasy on the dance floor in my head, I could feel it. I was wound tight as a spring. If it was ever going to happen, I knew tonight was the night to seek out that elusive orgasm.
EPOV
Two emotions dominated my mind. One was difficult to describe. It filled me to the brim with contentment when she was quiet, and sent ripples through my soul when something made her happy. When she stood outside with her face held up to the sunshine with her hair billowing behind her in the breeze, it filled me with a heat that I never knew in my human life.
The second emotion was also new to me, but to put a name to it was easy. It was jealousy. I felt it whenever Anthony was in her presence, and it was powerful!
I was helpless in the confusion that followed my outburst at the bar. Thank God Jasper was there to pull her to safety. I couldn't even do that much. If something had happened to her, I don't know what I would have done.
Seeing her there in the alley, I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her as Jasper was doing for Alice. It seemed so unfair that she should be alone after an incident like that.
Guilt, fear, and regret were my companions as I followed her home. I prayed that she would fall asleep quickly, and that none of the terror from earlier in the night lingered in her mind to taint her dreams.
As she entered the bathroom to clean herself up and change for bed, I resolved to stand by and do what I could to ease her mind. If jealousy could bring such a violent response out of me, perhaps another emotion could produce something to soothe her and put her to sleep.
All my good intentions were cast aside the moment she stepped back into the bedroom. She was a vision in white, an angel without wings.
She was dressed in a little white slip of a thing. It was made of a fine eyelet lace which left little to the imagination. The wisp of fabric was held on by two thin white straps. It covered her breasts and, just barely, her backside. I had seen her legs before when she worked in those cutoff pants, but seeing her like this was like nothing I'd ever imagined. She was barefoot, so every inch of her long legs was visible to me from her delicate ankles to soft curves of her thighs.
She breathed through her mouth, her chest rising and falling with each breath as she appraised herself in the mirror. The garment clung tightly, and moved with her body. Through the eyelet lace I could see the red buds of her bosom as they strained against the material.
Her long brown hair flowed down her back in waves, and her eyes were so dark they looked almost black in the dim light. The contrast against her pale skin and white garment was stunning.
At first, I thought that she was an angel sent by God, but I quickly dismissed that thought. If I was worthy of such a creature, I wouldn't be trapped here with no body to be touched. I decided instead that she was my punishment either for a life wasted, or for clinging to that life when it was time to move on. As a punishment, she was most effective. I wanted to take her more than I'd ever wanted a woman before in my life, but I was powerless. If I had a body I don't think anything could have stopped me from possessing her in that moment.
Strangely enough it was this surge of unexpected lust that brought me back to my senses. This was my angel. I could not force myself on her, and I would not stay and ogle her uninvited.
As I carried on the moral debate inside my mind, she began to move. She touched a button on the radio, filling the room with soft music. Then she paused, her eyes taking in her full reflection once again, as if she had never really seen herself before. Did she realize how dazzling she really was?
With a fingertip she traced a soft line over her slightly parted lips, then slid it slowly down her throat to the nape of her neck, where it lingered for just a moment. Next, it moved gently across her collar bone, before sliding down again to trace the scalloped edge of the garment that lay across her breast.
All this time, her eyes never left her reflection in the mirror. They followed her hand as it traced its path over her body. I wished for the thousandth time that I could read her mind. I longed to know what she was thinking, what inspired her actions tonight.
She always seemed somewhat innocent before. I sensed that she was no virgin. I had seen the rings she kept in the jewelry box. She must have been married at one time, but in the short time I'd watched her she never showed any serious interest in the opposite sex, at least until…
Anthony! The realization hit me like a ton of led. Anthony was the man she danced with earlier tonight. It was his touch that her body remembered. He must have awakened these feelings in her.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut by that imposter who had stolen my body and my woman. I wrenched myself away from her. I couldn't continue to watch as she thought of another man. It was difficult to fight against the draw of her life force, but at last I managed to put some distance between us. I had almost broken away completely when I just barely heard the whisper of her voice across the dark room.
"Oh, Edward." She spoke my name! In an instant I had returned to her side, just in time to see that her hand had dropped further. Her finger was now tracing a circle around the red bud beneath the fabric.
"Yes, Edward, just like that," she murmured softly, squeezing it with her fingertips.
Any willpower I had remaining was now completely gone. Angel of pain or pleasure, she had called and I was powerless to resist. I still didn't know if it was really me that she called out to, but as long as she used my name I could convince myself that I was the one she wanted.
She hummed as her hands kneaded her breasts. Her left hand continued its motion while her right palm slid down her stomach to her leg and squeezed her thigh. Her entire body moved with the feeling. She threw her head back with her eyes closed and moaned softly, "I want you to touch me. I want to feel your hands on every inch of my body."
I followed the motion of her hand as she moved it slowly around to the back of her leg. Where her front had been covered by a skimpy piece of cloth, her backside was as bare as the day she was born. The cloth in the front was held in place by a tiny piece of string that wrapped around her waist then disappeared between her two soft mounds.
She ran her fingertips over her bare flesh leaving faint lines on her skin as her fingernails grazed her skin. Her fingertips slid under the string, and slowly, with a sway of her hips, she slid it down her legs.
If I had a body, I would have been rock hard for her. Just the sight of her alone would have done it. I was, or at least had been, a red-blooded American man. Alone in a room with such a beauty dancing before me, I would not have been able to resist reaching out to touch her.
Isabella stepped out of the undergarment carefully and moved to the bed, lying down on her back. The only light in the room was provided by one small lamp next to the bed. It was just enough to see the soft mound of curls below the edge of the lace trim.
I watched in awe as she dipped one finger into the curls and ran it down her slit to the moisture pooled below. She pulled it up again and began tracing lazy circles at a hidden spot.
"Mmm, just like that," she hummed. A slow smile spread across her face.
As her right hand continued its motion on her womanhood, her left pulled down the lace at her collar, exposing her breast. She squeezed it, making the delicate bud stand proud. All I could think of was what it would be like to wrap my lips around her nipple and taste her pink flesh.
She could have read my mind, because at that moment, she tugged hard on it, moaning, "Oh, Edward!"
Every time she said my name I felt a ripple of energy flow through my soul. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms, or just participate in the scene unfolding before me in some small way, but I was relegated to watching. I could only stare mutely as she writhed on the bed deriving pleasure from her hands and her silent thoughts alone.
Once again, the thought that I shouldn't even be here flashed through my mind. I wasn't meant to witness what she had obviously intended to be a private interlude. What would she do if she knew I was here, her silent and adoring voyeur?
"Oh, Edward, yes!" she moaned again.
Her finger stopped its motion long enough to dip far into the well of her womanhood and come out glistening.
At that moment, I wanted to take her. I wanted to plunge myself into her depths and make her scream my name. It was pure torture to be so close, and yet know that I would never have that satisfaction, or find that spectacular release.
Isabella's finger resumed its ministrations on that secret spot with renewed vigor. Her entire body began to writhe as her left hand slid down her stomach to her inner thigh, parting her legs.
I watched with amazement as the tension within her mounted until finally, she screamed, "Oh God, Edward! Yes!" while her body shuddered with ecstasy.
But my angel's rapture wasn't confined to just the physical realm. As the ripples of pleasure shot through her body, her life force pulsed with energy. It poured into my soul like a lightning bolt searching for the ground, until I thought I couldn't hold any more.
She lay on the bed gasping while I did the spectral equivalent. My soul now crackled with the life force she had unleashed. I struggled to come to terms with the power now held within me.
I could tell that it would be easy now to let it slip out in a fit of emotion as it had earlier in the evening. I didn't dare risk losing control like that again. It would be too dangerous for Isabella, or anyone else nearby. I would have to figure out how to channel this gift carefully.
Isabella rested on the bed for a few minutes. I almost thought she was asleep, but her face held a smile of too much contentment for slumber. Finally, she opened her eyes long enough to crawl under the sheet on her bed.
Before she turned out the light, she picked Rosalie's diary up off the table, and pulled my picture from inside the front flap. She stared intently for a moment before whispering to herself, "That was amazing, Edward, but the real you must have been even more incredible."
The name of that first emotion was now evident to me. One could almost mistake it for lust. Lust was certainly a part of it. I wanted her so badly that it hurt. The power I had gained still had not brought the physical release that she had found.
But as much as I wanted to connect with her physically, there was more to it. My life was nothing without her. I would do anything for her; even see her with Anthony, if I thought he could truly make her happy.
It was this willingness to sacrifice my own happiness that told me how I truly felt. I loved her. I had never loved anyone before like this, not even Rose. This was the one thing I was missing in my previous life, the reason I stayed, the element I was searching for.
This love was now to be my punishment for not following the light when I had the chance. I was fated to find what I longed for, to follow it one step behind, always just out of reach. I looked down at the body of my sleeping angel and realized she was worth it.
Author's Note:
Okay, how many of the men you know would have been able to look away? Edward is a gentleman in every sense of the word, but even he isn't that strong. And what would Bella say if she knew he had watched her intimate moment?
This took a while to write. I've never done anything quite like it before. Let me know what you think.
