Hello, you guys :) I hope you're all doing well. Thank you so much for reading and the reviews, it means a lot to me. And a huge thanks to my beta and best friend redlilijen. You rock.
So, here's the new chapter - hope you enjoy!
June 17th
Tap.
Three, two. Tap. One.
4:00 a.m.
The phone screen lit up as Elena's eyes glided over the numbers before she pressed the sneeze button for the third time that morning.
It was 3 a.m. when she first woke up, grabbed her bags and left the hotel room.
It was 3:30 when the raindrops began to fall, successfully drenching her small form to the bone.
Tap.
She scooted over to the left side of the stairs she was sitting on. It didn't help, though. She was still stiff and uncomfortable and freezing her ass off.
"Ugh."
And that damned weather was pissing her off, big time. She was always fond of rain, especially late at night when the calming symphony created by the tiny waterdrops soothed her to sleep, but right now, it was anything but appeasing.
Her cell's screen started to resemble a miniature lake so she wiped the water off with the back of her equaly wet sleeve and put it in her pocket.
A car passed by her vision, blocking the hotel from her sight, the same hotel Damon was still asleep in, completely dead to the world. She was right in her assumptions last night, he did drink more than he probably should.
They didn't talk much after he asked of her the thing she didn't want to think about at all.
So, after he passed out, Elena packed the few things she unpacked earlier, when they arrived, and laid down next to him.
It wasn't the best idea she's ever had. In fact, it might count as one of the worst ones.
The merciful sleep was avoiding her at all costs and all she could do the whole time she laid there was think about everthing that happened and everything that shouldn't have happened.
But the reason she felt like she couldn't breathe was much simpler than that. Although there was enough space between her and Damon to fit at least other two people and also the whole universe in the metaphorical sense, she sensed him like he was right beside her.
She ached to touch him, to hold his hand for a little while but she didn't own that privilage anymore.
And it sucked.
That's why she was sitting just across the road from the beautiful hotel, right by the fountain and the sea, soaking wet with clattering teeth while the mornig sun hasn't yet had the time to brighten the darkness.
She did cheat, though. She couldn't help it.
She was about to step out of the door when the need to say proper goodbye made her turn around and kiss his cheek for the final time.
She prayed he wouldn't wake up, but a part of her hoped he would.
God, she missed him already.
It was the right choice. It had to be. The whole ordeal last night.
She was no good to him and unconsciously she knew that all along. And the more she cared about him, the more prominent the thought became.
And if you care about someone, you do what's best for them, right?
There must be some truth to that statement.
You are like a disease, Elena.
The voice in her head claimed. A disease.
She remembered the time he told her that. She remembered the tone of his voice, the cruelty and wicked joy he took from her suffering.
It was a day after she turned thirteen. Her birthday was a disaster, and when she woke up with tears still streaming down her face, she prayed the day ahead would bring her some peace. Just for a little while.
But that would be a luxury she couldn't afford, wasn't it?
Tap.
She closed her eyes now. She felt a shiver run down her spine as she thought back on the events of that god-awful day. It was then that all hope she had for something, anything better flew out the window.
He was sitting at the kitchen table, his head hidden behind The New York Times. She was reluctant to step inside the room, but her hunger won the battle against her rationality. She swallowed her fear and wiped her sweaty, shaking hands into the oversized T-shirt she was wearing. She still had it in her closet back at home though it was all washed and the dark blue worn out a long time ago.
"Good morning, Elena."
She wondered how was it possible to sound so cold, cold enough to chill the air and the house that would never ever be her home.
She mumbled back a response and hurried to the bread laying on the kitchen counter. She put in the toaster and waited with her back to him.
He ignored her while she stood there and even as she opened the fridge to get some orange juice. A bad move, really.
She didn't find what she was looking for but when she turned around he was standing there, his murderous stare like her worst nightmare coming to life.
She knew what was coming next.
With breakfast in her hands she waited as he scrutinized her like a filthy trash he found at his front door.
"What do you think you're doing?"
She was paralyzed, couldn't move or breathe or come up with a sufficient answer.
There was no such thing.
"Answer me."
His posture was seemingly calm, but she knew it was like the calm before the storm, but not just any storm, more like a hurricane.
"Answer me, you little piece of shit!"
With one smooth move he sent the items in her hands falling to the floor.
She flinched away from him, but he grabbed her wrist in a painful grasp.
There goes my breakfast, she thought. It was a good toast.
"So you won't talk, huh?" He was back to his composed state and it scared her more than anything. She could take his crazy, but his psychopath, she couldn't deal with. And he was the worst... calculating.
The silence was cut short as they both heard the doorbell ring. He let go of her and gestured for her to stay in place while he gets the door.
Elena contempleted it for a total of 5 seconds before she decided that it was smarter to just run. The voice carried to her from the hallway halted her steps as a smile broke across her face.
Jeremy. Thank God.
Her brother didn't live with them anymore, being seven years older than her, he fled the hell they were living in the first chance he got.
That was three years ago when he got recruited into the army and began his training. And before he got married.
Stupid, stupid man.
"Hey Elena," he greeted her with a big hug and a bright smile.
She felt like a stone dropped from her heart. He wouldn't touch her with Jeremy there.
"What's up, lil sis? How are you doing?"
"Oh come on. You didn't come here to ask me how I was." Jeremy certainly had a bigger revelation that day.
His smile was even broader than before when he sat down and shared the long-awaited news. "It's a girl!"
She couldn't help but feel his happiness as he embraced her again. Vicky, Jeremy's wife, also known as Elena's second least favourite person on this planet, trapped her brother - in her mind, anyway - when she'd gotten pregnant nine months ago which in turn made Jer propose to her when he definitely shouldn't have.
But in that moment, when her brother's face lit up with joy, she really was just plain happy for him.
He deserved a family, even though it might not be the family she'd have wanted for him.
"Congratulations, son," the monster embodied spoke up and ruined her mood once again. For a second, she forgot he was even in the room with them.
"Thank you." The grin fell from his face when he noticed pieces of the shattered plate on the floor. "What happened in here?"
"Nothing. Just Elena being her clumsy self," came the smooth lie.
"Right, Elena?" he turned to her.
"Yeah." He was still looking at her pointedly so she added "I'll go clean it up now."
Jeremy had no idea what was going on in that house. While Jer still lived with them, he was almost normal. But there was always something crazy about him, if you'd ask Elena.
She never liked him, but after years of practically peaceful co-existing, she trusted him.
All of that changed now, and Jeremy didn't have a clue. He couldn't have.
He told her what would happen to both of them if she so much as uttered a word.
And she would always protect her brother, even if it was slowly killing her.
Picking up the broken pieces, she had no idea that all of that would change, sooner than she expected.
But those awful moments weren't something she should have been thinking about now, Elena decided. Not with the phone call still so fresh in her mind. So, she locked them back in the box in the back of her mind where they belonged and took a deep breath, finally ready to confront her situation.
The facts were, she didn't pay the bill for her apartment that month. She knew the owner was a bitch enough to throw her out the second she stepped foot inside the building because after all, it wasn't the first time it happened, and she was so kindly reminded before 'One more time, you're out. No questions asked'.
She sighed.
If she only wasn't so goddamn stupid.
Shopping, Elena, really? The annoying voice in her head said.
That was a dick move. A move that nicely emphised who she was most of the time.
Reckless.
She didn't think things through, which was a contradiction to all of the times she would spend hours obsessing over a simple decision like which book to read or what pencil to use. On one hand, she was the most indecisive and careful person on the planet but on other, she dived into things head-on, consenquences be damned. However, all of her carefulness was nothing but a result of the constant fear she felt.
It was like that with lot of other things, too. The person she was supposed to be was surpassed by the person she had to be, and it messed her mind up.
All in all, she was just so full of opposites it scared the crap out of her.
And she'd also rather live in denial than admit to the truth. And the truth was, she shouldn't have agreed to Damon's idea last night and she knew it all along.
But the thing bothering her the most was the lies she fed him. Just a few days ago she was telling him how she felt the same - how she wanted to learn everything there was about him and vice versa - and it still stood. It was still the truth. Only now it got over-shadowed by the need to protect him from herself.
He deserved someone better. Less fucked up.
Well, at least one good thing came out of it - she had a nice dress. And a pair of heels. And another few items Damon insisted on buying for her because "Who else would I spend my money on?"
Anyone else, D. Anyone. She told him.
But all he responded her with was "It's Damon, for God's sake, woman."
Thinking about him felt like someone gripped her insides and squeezed and squeezed till she couldn't breathe.
She blinked away the tears in her eyes when the light from the street lamps dimmed and then faded completely.
Sunrise. Nice. A new day, a new beggining and all of that crap filled her mind but only one thought stood out the most.
She wasn't ready.
She wasn't prepared to leave it all behind. To start the day knowing she was back to her old pathetic little life, all alone and miserable.
She promised him she'd never leave, but how relevant was that anymore if he was the one asking her to do it?
Not relevant at all.
It stopped raining, Elena noticed because her cell screen stayed dry when she checked the time again.
It was already past five and the sidewalks were slowly filling with people rushing to work.
She should be going, too.
And maybe she didn't need to go back to Atlanta. Maybe she could just take the bus and go... anywhere.
It wasn't like she had any ties to the city she'd been living in for five years of her life.
No friends, no job and no real belongings she would miss if they got thrown out.
Her books, though. She had pretty impressive collection of first editions and an amazing library she loved with all of her heart.
Books were the only things she actually spent her money on. It was no wonder, really. She didn't study English literature for nothing. She once wanted to be a teacher or a writer but with how shy she was and how socially anxious, the former wasn't really an option. Plus, the things above often seemed like a too big of an issue to overcome. She wanted to try, she really did. But she also wanted something more from life than a boring job.
She seeked an adventure.
Well, she'd certainly gotten one. Being with Damon was one hell of a ride.
Elena let out a deep sigh. Who was she kidding anymore?
The only place she wanted to be in that moment - and every other moment - was right across the road, in a room that resembled a paradise with its out-of-this-world feel. Yes, it was the place next to Damon where she could feel the warmth of his body and enjoy the sweet pleasureable tingles the touch of his hand in hers sent up her arm while she stroked his knuckles.
They slept like that in Savannah. She would wake up snuggled up to his side or with his solid form pressed up against her.
It wasn't something they discussed afterwards.
In her mind, she only thought about those moments as the 'stolen' ones.
When people used the term 'stolen' before, she never truly understood what it meant. Now, she got it. It felt like they didn't belong to her. Like it was a crime to hold his hand when he wasn't hers and she refused to acknowledge that he, in fact, wanted to be just that.
Why, she had no idea.
The sun was swimming up the sky slowly, as if it was enjoying the way the world brightened and glowed all around it when its warm rays awoken the sleeping town.
Elena moved over to the pier and watched the morning show with a wide eyes. The beauty of it all made her smile with that child-like grin Damon adored the most, judging by the way he never failed to comment how beautiful she looked when she smiled like that.
She shuddered. Her clothes were still sticking to her skin, wet and cold when the morning breeze blew around her.
Another great idea she didn't think through.
"Elena!"
Her eyes widened again, this time startled by the sound of Damon's voice she didn't expect to hear anytime soon.
She cringed as his footsteps quickly appeared behind her.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded.
She faced him with the same painful indifference she had last night. It was obvious she was sure that whatever she did still didn't matter.
"Nothing."
His brows furrowed and as he looked at her - more like glared - with determination in his eyes.
He was back to being mad, she guessed. Too bad she didn't want to fight anymore.
"I woke up and you were gone."
"You told me to leave."
"Not like that."
"Then how?"
He took his time to answer and with his gaze averted, she could appreciate the way he looked in the black T-shirt he was wearing, the one she loved the most because there was nothing hotter than Damon in black and that was a fact.
"Fuck." It wasn't like him to swear but here he was. Damn, Elena thought, the things she drove him to.
And fuck, if the dangerous expression on his face didn't make him look hot as hell. It also made her take a step back.
She wasn't exactly scared of him - it was Damon after all - but she didn't doubt for a second he could be pretty mean and hurtful when he wanted to.
"If you think I'm gonna let you off the hook this easily then you have another thing coming."
Wait... so he didn't want her to go? To say she was confused would be an understatement.
"What are you talking about Damon?"
"You are gonna tell me everything."
"Everything about what?"
"About you. I want to know why you're so scared all the time. What happened to you. Who's bothering you. And most importantly, why are you so hell bent on pushing me away."
She could only stare at him with her mouth open. He wasn't really asking that of her, was he?
"After that, you can go wherever you want," he added.
"You got to be kidding me."
"Nope."
She had no time to react as he grabbed her bags and stalked off. He was already halfway across the street when she realized what was happening and took off after him.
"Damon!"
After she almost got hit by a car and slipped on the sidewalk a few times - she wasn't really a sprinter or anything - Elena finally caught up with him by the elevators.
"Give me my bags back."
"No."
"Who do you think you are?"
If looks could kill, she wouldn't just be dead, no, she would already be six feet under.
"This is ridiculous."
"Of course it is," he snapped.
The doors opened with a soft 'ding' that echoed in the luxurious lobby loudly and they stepped inside at the same time, both with a varying degrees of annoyance.
Damon's question from the day before rang in her head in circles. 'Do we have to do everything the hard way?' 'Do we..?'
"Stop glaring," he spat out.
"You stop glaring."
"No, you..." He took a deep breath. She didn't catch what he said next, but his murmur sounded a lot like "someone shoot me now.'
"Gladly." She muttered under her breath.
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"Good." He tossed her luggage through the open door to their - no, his - room and smirked. "After you."
Elena made sure to bump into him with her shoulder. Was it childish? Yeah. Did she care? No.
"What comes next?" she asked him. "Are you gonna chain me to your bed or something?" Damon didn't seem to appreciate her attempt to lighten up the mood.
To be honest, he didn't even look at her, too busy pacing up and down the middle of the room.
Elena broke the silence again. "You're giving me a headache."
No response. She slumped down onto the bed. Is he going to hold her hostage? You never know. That's what you get for hanging out with crazy people, she thought. Huh, at least he looks good.
His clothes from last night were haphazardly discarded in a pile on the floor and Damon made sure to kick them around with every turn he made.
"What did that shirt do to you, anyway?"
He finally stopped moving. Their eyes locked in a battle of wills, but Elena refused to look away first. She could feel how he was burning her with his intense stare, the flame she knew he kept hidden away now in a full blast, furiously turning to fire, that neither of them could control.
"You don't get to do this!" he yelled.
"Do what?"
"Mess with me. Screw with my head. Whatever you want to call it - you don't get to do it."
"I'm not messing with -" She tried to defend herself but he cut her off. "You know, when I first left California, I swore to God I would never make these same mistakes again. I tried so hard not to. And then you ruined all of it. I watched how it all fell apart. Because of you! Do you have any idea what you did? What you're doing to me?"
She didn't but his words cut deep.
"For God's sake Elena."
The tone of his voice took her back to the moment in Piano club, when he asked her 'what if it is?' He wanted to know what would happen if they never meet again, if their goodbye means forever. Now he wanted to know what happens if they do.
"I'm sorry, okay?" He continued, "I know it's not fair. I know you don't owe me anything. But... is this, I mean, does this mean nothing? Does it not matter at all?"
So that's what this all was about. He just wanted to know if she cared. Because she told him she didn't. And he didn't want to believe it.
But what does she say? Will he let her go if he knows the truth? Better yet, does she want him to?
"I-I don't know."
"Please just, I really need you to answer me."
Answer me, you little piece of shit.
Both lines echoed in her head almost simultaniously. The difference between the two startling.
But Damon wasn't him. He wasn't demanding her answer, he was pleading.
And he wouldn't hurt her if she didn't obey. That's how she knew she could.
"It matters, Damon. It's the only thing that does."
"Then why are you doing this? I mean, one day you're fine, you say you feel the same way and the next it's the opposite? It doesn't make sense to me. Don't try to shut me out. Please, don't shut me out."
"It has nothing to do with how I feel."
"Then what is it?"
"It's me. I'm no good to you. Or anyone else for that matter. I'm like a disease, Damon."
"Who told you that?"
"No one had to tell me that. I know."
He sat down next to her. They didn't touch but they didn't have to do that for her to feel him with every fiber of her body.
"I don't want to hurt you," she whispered.
"Why would you hurt me, El?"
He took her hand, she squeezed it tightly.
"I don't know. It's what I do."
It's what you do.
Her memories sucked her back into the dark hole of misery, the one in which her brother's voice scorched her insides painfully.
It's what you do. You ruin everything.
"I didn't mean to," she told him back then and meant it.
It was a trap. That monster trapped her into doing it.
And he made it seem like she was doing the right thing.
A month after Jeremy came home with his 'It's a girl' news, she made a monumental mistake.
For two weeks, her bully made her feel like there were unacceptable things going on in her brother's home while he wasn't there.
Yes, he told her that Vicky was neglecting their daughter, drowning herself in the numerous bottles of alcohol and drugs without a thought to the little girl. Years later, a truer words would never be spoken but back then it wasn't what he made her believe it was.
He manipulated her into sending an anonymous report of child abuse to the local Social service. They acted upon it immediately and uh, casted troubles.
The second Jeremy started asking questions like 'who could have done something like that?' the devil himself supplied him with a quick answer. Of course, he sold her out. Just then, when she watched her brother's face fall with the weight of her betrayal she realized what she's done. The last person that cared about her couldn't even look at her anymore. He ruined their relationship. Fucking bastard.
She tried to get Jeremy to forgive her and they did come a long way since then, but they were never the same again.
Current situation was a 180 degree turn compared to that. The reality was, they were both using her now - both Jeremy and his wife - while she surrendered to their every request. Well, usually there was just one.
All because of the words he uttered on that stupid day. Seven years later, she still couldn't shake them.
It's all your fault.
"Elena." Damon's voice brought her back to Earth. She blinked away the tears in her eyes.
She had to get away.
"I have to go," she stood up abruptly.
Damon mimiced her movements. They were standing face to face, and way too close for Elena's comfort.
"Look," with a jolt of sudden boldness she brushed her lips against his knuckles. "I don't want to fight in circles, okay? This is not forever. I'll see you again."
"You don't know that." He ran his free hand through his hair. There was a war raging inside of him and it was clear as a day. He opened his mouth to speak many times but no words came out. Finally, he said, "If you're gonna leave me now then make sure to say a proper goodbye."
"Why?"
"Because you will never see me again."
"That's -" she objected but he jumped in the middle of her sentence. "You won't."
"You make no sense."
"There will be no one to see, El. Don't you get it? I won't be her for you to see."
"I don't understand." She didn't want to understand.
"It's a miracle I'm still alive."
"What are you talking about? Damon, don't." She prayed he wouldn't say the words, prayed he didn't really mean what he just said and everything it implied.
She couldn't hear it. She needed not to.
"Elena look at me." He tilted her chin up like he did a thousand times before but it didn't feel the same.
He softly spoke up. "My road trip begun long before we met." He stroked her cheek. "I hopped into my car with an intention to find that something - the meaning, point - whatever it is that people look for these days, before my life's over. I drove through hundreds of towns, met millions of people but what for? I found nothing. Actually, I doubt there's really anything to find in the first place. But then I stumbled upon this beautiful woman in a stinky bar in Atlanta and she had me at 'leave me alone, you asshole.' One of the many to come, might I add." He chuckled and Elena whimpered with her face buried in his T-shirt. "And while we were together, I forgot to keep searching. We were friends and we had fun and it was all I needed for the longest time. You know why?" She shook her head 'no' against his chest. "I think I already found it."
"Found what?"
"You. And I have no idea what it means yet. But I want to know. I need to. Last night I asked you to leave because I thought that maybe I was just wasting my time. That's a bullshit. I want to see where this is going. Now. I don't have the time for later."
"But what's wrong with you? What are you even saying? " She straightened up. "Do you have any idea what you're asking of me?"
"I know it's selfish."
"Selfish? It's not just selfish Damon, it's -" It was her turn to pace the room. "I can barely stand the thought of letting you go now, so what's gonna happen later? And what if I fall in love with you? Then what, you'll just die on me?"
What if I'm already in love with you?
Was she? She wasn't sure if she could call it love yet. But her feelings for him ran deep, deeper than she'd like them to. And it would only get worse. Much worse.
"I know it's too much to ask."
"Then don't." Time to beg. "Please, don't do this to me."
"Stay with me."
