Chapter 7, Between the Deep Roads and Act 2

XIV. Out. Here.

I creep home by dawn light, entering the house as quietly as I can. Mother is already awake, her eyes shining and red.

"Where were you?" she demands in a loud whisper.

"Out," I say, divesting myself of weapons and outer clothing.

"You're never here. You should be here."

I sit down at the battered table. "I know."

She crosses her arms. She takes a breath, but does not speak. "Well. How was the Deep Roads."

"It was fine. Just fine." Mother is such a fragile creature, and sometimes I do not know how to handle her. Bethany always did. I know her sorrow and anger will break soon enough, but I do not relish bearing them alone for now. "You should visit the viscount soon. Redouble your efforts to petition him for your estate."

Her arms drop to her sides. "Do you mean -"

I nod and she rushes to hug me. "Some small comfort."

She pats my head and shakes out her nightgown, as if she will visit Dumar in her frilly chemise. She nods. "Take care of the financial, and I'll see about the social. And political." She turns away, to head to her bedroom, but then returns to me for another hug. "I am glad you are home safe."

I almost think she is.

XV. Ladies' Night Out

"So tomorrow," I say, leaning over my tankard, "I'll have to put on my finest clothes and visit the Viscount with my mother."

Merrill cocks her head. "Do you own any finest clothes? I've never seen you in anything besides that. Will you be scouring off the blood stains?"

"I'll get what I can, anyway," I shaking my head. "There might be something of Bethany's I can wear…." I trail off. There are many things, in the trunk at Gamlen's, that belong to Bethany. I cannot wear any of them. I doubt they'd fit anyway.

"Hawke, you should have said something. I think I have something you can wear." We all stare, open-mouthed, at Aveline.

"You own a dress, Big Girl? This I've got to see," Isabela says.

Aveline shrugs. "Obviously I prefer and need my uniform most of the time. But as a soldier, I know it's important to be prepared. So yes, I have a dress. Stop by my office in the morning, and I'll have it ready for you."

"That's very kind of you," I say. I am a bit worried about what this dress will look like. Will it be suitably butch, or will Aveline surprise us all with a taste for pink lace?

"I guess I don't understand why you need a dress in the first place," Merrill says, frowning. "Your clothes show who you are, a strong fighter. Not that a dress can't show strength, of course, but it's not you. Unless you want to wear dresses. Oh dear, Merrill, you should lay off the ale."

Isabela shakes her head. "It's all about playing a part, Kitten. Role playing. Putting on a show. Wearing a dress shows that our Hawke is an upstanding citizen."

"Exactly. There's some concern about 'my past' even though that past includes rescuing the viscount's son." I pause. "Sort of."

The conversation drifts to other topics, and soon my companions excuse themselves for the night, off to other adventures. Or sleep, I suppose. I am left alone at the table, pondering what to do next. I still very much dislike being at Gamlen's, where I am often alone with Mother; Uncle has done a very good job making himself scarce, and at the worst possible time. I often prowl the streets until I can no longer lift my weapon due to weariness. But tonight I want to be well rested, so that I can make a good show for the viscount, and finally end this business.

I had considered asking one of my girls if I could stay with them. But I can't very well sleep in the barracks with Aveline. I feel a little awkward asking Isabela since our night together, though she hasn't said anything one way or the other. And Merrill, well, her house always has a strange smell, though the alienage has the advantage of being close to Gamlen's. I'm at the Hanged Man already, I could ask Varric. Fenris rambles around in that huge mansion, surely he has a bedroom to share. Anders's clinic lacks ambiance, but at least it's always clean.

What if I just drank myself silly and showed up hungover? Hungover in whatever Aveline considers a suitable dress?

XVI: I like(d) it at first

I had caught Merrill before she made it home, and asked if I could stay with her. She happily agreed. Now I am lying on the floor of a cramped house that reeks of some strange herb. Something elvish, I'm sure. I don't remember Merrill being so chatty. I guess the fear and the strangeness of the Deep Roads caused her to clam up. Not now, though. No, not now.

I rest my head on my arms and stare at the ceiling. I tap a beat with my foot and count silently.

"It's so nice to have someone here! The alienage is so strange, how we're all shut up in these little houses, and the vhenadahl sits alone at night. With the clan, we all camp together, there's always someone to talk to or to turn to if you are scared. Not that many people turned to me, since I was the First. But still, all these heartbeats nearby, it was comforting. Especially if there were halla nearby!"

I do not mean to be ungrateful of course. It is kind of Merrill to let me stay. And she is right, in her way. I don't want to be alone at Gamlen's, listening only to my own heart, my own breath. She and I are more alike than I realized.

"I know this will sound silly, Hawke, but I liked being in the Deep Roads, at first. I liked being in a large camp with everyone. I liked listening to everyone sleep, and the clatter of everyone awakening. I was surrounded by rock, yet it seemed a little bit like home."

"It is nice, sometimes, to be with other people," I say. "Especially when the darkness is a little too dark."

There is quiet for a few moments. Then, "Oh! You probably couldn't tell. I nodded."

I smile. After turning onto my stomach, I say, "Thanks for letting me stay."

"Of course, Hawke! You know, hospitality. . ." She keeps talking as I close my eyes. The lilt of her voice is soothing. Maybe, if we get the estate, I will move Merrill in, and have her talk me to sleep. Being in this room with her is not the same (the same as what? How many times have I shared a room with a Dalish elf?), but it is nice. I can sleep, I can dream, I can nightmare. I can, for once, for a little while, not worry about Mother or Bethany.

XVII. A Night Out After the Viscount

"Hawke, are you feeling okay?" Varric asks, cocking his head to one side, widening and narrowing his eyes.

"Yes, of course. Why?"

"Well, you're wearing a dress."

"I'm celebrating a special occasion!" I smile and take a sip of my drink. As Varric raises his own, I go in for the kill. "Besides, it's Aveline's dress." He slowly lowers it again.

The dress is actually quite nice. It is of the basic bliaut style, with a laced bodice over a simple skirt and puffy-sleeved top. A wrapped belt completes the look, all in shades of green. I imagine it must actually look quite stunning on Aveline, with her red hair, fair skin, and green eyes. It looks okay on me, and I'm pretty monochromatic.

Others join us at our Hanged Man table, everyone other than Aveline expressing wonder at my clothing. Aveline pleads with me once again not to spill anything on it. And then I deliver my news.

"Dear friends. Thank you for joining me tonight – and for your companionship over the last year. Your friendship means a lot to me. After a lot of. . .sorrow recently, I am happy to be celebrating with you. The viscount has accepted my mother's petition. Soon, I'll be departing for Hightown."

There are cheers and slaps to the back and high fives and well wishes. I smile and laugh and say, "And of course, you all are welcome at my house any time. I'll miss Lowtown enough, I don't want to miss you."

"How did you do it?" Varric asks.

I hold my chin high. "I reminded the viscount of the good service I had done for him. And I showed him my cash."

He crosses his arms, but is smiling. "So you owe it in part to me."

"I suppose so! Well, I'll fix up the spare room for you."

"A room! Surely a fancy Hightown mansion will have many rooms. Perfect for getting into trouble, right Fenris?" Isabela says with a mischievous grin. The elf looks away.

"Could we have a fancy dress party? All of my books indicate that humans love fancy dress parties," Merrill says.

I pretend to pout. "This isn't fancy enough?"

Anders leans in close and says, "Don't worry. We'll get Bethany home soon, and she can share this good fortune, too." Always a dark cloud, isn't there? I nod and reply, "I hope so."

But then I smile and tell them drinks are on me. I plan on having many drinks. Many.

XVIII. Dreams of the Drunk

It is a very long night, full of ale and stories. Before Aveline leaves, I return her dress, thanking her again. She is happy that the dress is unscathed; I am happy to be in my normal clothes.

"You'll visit often?" I ask, leaning on her shoulder.

"Of course, Hawke. And you'll be closer to the barracks now. Stay out of trouble."

"Always. Always always always always."

She shakes her head. "Tonight, too, Hawke. Stay out of trouble tonight."

I put my arm around her waist. "How could I get in trouble? I'm here."

"That's the problem Hawke." She pauses. I snuggle closer. How does Aveline smell so nice? She's always running around. She should smell like sweat. Aveline shifts her weight, and the next thing I know, she has thrown me over her shoulder. I laugh as she marches back to the table.

"Isabela. . .oh, for the love of. Anders, you take her." Aveline plunks me down on the bench, arranging me against Anders. Varric has disappeared and Merrill is watching Isabela with interest. Isabela is sitting on Fenris's lap.

I reach out a hand to Aveline. "I love you, Aveline."

"I love you, too, Hawke. But please stay out of trouble."

"We should get you home soon," Anders says.

"Home with you?" I ask brightly, reaching for my tankard.

He gently pushes my hand away. "No, to your uncle's. You only have a few more nights there. You should make them count."

"I'll need more ale if I'm going there." I brighten as I manage to grab my drink and Varric returns to the table. "My favorite dwarf!"

"Hawke, it never ceases to amaze me that you can't hold your alcohol."

I set my drink down and fold my hands in my lap. "I can't be good at everything." Varric laughs.

"Oh dear," Merrill says, turning her back on Isabela and Fenris. There is grinding and groping and perhaps other g words.

"A lot of our get-togethers seem to end this way," Anders says. "I didn't mind when I was younger. . .I don't really mind now, actually. Justice does, though."

"I suppose you can't do. . .that as a spirit," Merrill says.

"A shame -" I start to say, and then manage to spill my ale. "Now that's a shame."

Anders stands up and grabs my arm. "Yup. Let's get you home, Hawke. Soon you can spill your drinks in finer establishments, but that's enough for tonight."

I don't fight him, instead waving to my friends. "Good bye! Good night! Thank you! I love you!"

Sometimes I like being drunk. Sometimes it is nice to be happy and light-hearted and in love. Sometimes the hangover is worth it.

Everyone else voices their good byes, even Isabela and Fenris. I stumble a little as I walk next to Anders, but I like that, too. In my real life, I have to be precise, I have to be sure. When I'm drunk, I don't have to worry about it; the choice has been removed.

"Anders, I'm fine, Gamlen's house isn't far. You can go."

He shakes his head. "Aveline would have my head if something happened. Your mother, too, I'm sure."

"Aveline is great. My mother. I don't think she'd notice."

"Of course she would."

The introspection that comes along with alcohol, that I don't like so much. Mother would be sad if something happened. She loves me and cares about me and all that. Her emotions just get the better of her.

"Mother is a complex person. Her feelings are complex. Our relationship is complex. At least soon we'll have a bigger house. That will make it easier to hide from each other."

"That's my Hawke. Look on the bright side."

"Who wants to talk about that? Mothers. Family. Let's talk about you."

"Me?" Anders sounds slightly alarmed. But he is saved! "We can talk soon, Hawke. But here we are. Safe and sound."

"Want to come inside?"

"I should go. I don't think your mother or Gamlen would appreciate seeing me. . . ."

"True, but that wasn't the question."

"Hawke."

Suddenly all of my emotions run together: love and introspection, affection and fear, certainty and self-doubt.

"Anders, do you love me?"

"I care about you very much."

I nod. That will do.

"Good night, Anders."

"Good night, Hawke."

"Be safe!"

"I will."

Inside, I make up my bed. Soon I will have a real one, not just a collection of mats and blankets and pillows! What a thought. Will Mother invite Gamlen to live with us? What a thought.

I curl up on my side. There's one other thing I like about alcohol. When I've had enough, I'm out like -