Once again, thank you very much for your kind words ! I will try to update once a week now that the bank holidays are over in France :p I hope you'll enjoy this new chapter as much as I loved writing it.
Catherine couldn't wait for one minute. She was so tired, exhausted, with silent tears...and the man in front of her, Steve, was silently crying as well. She didn't know what to think.
Was he sensitive because of the alcohol ? She thought about it, because he wasn't the kind of person to express his emotions, even in moments like this. He's crying because he's drunk...he won't even remember any of this tomorrow, I know him way too well...
« Steve, I don't want to stand here with you...Not right now, not when you're drunk... » Catherine said and went on the other side of her room, looking at the windows. It was very quiet...she could hear the waves, she could see the stars...
Steve was still at the same place. Yes, he was drunk, but he wanted to talk to her. He was honest. He watched her, his eyes were hurting him, they were heavy, so warm, so red.
« What do you want from me right now then Cath... » he said, allowing himself to sat on her bed
Catherine sighed, she was lost. She didn't came here to suffer, she just wanted to attend her friends' wedding, but instead, all she was thinking about since the morning she arrived was Steve. And now he was there, in her hotel room, as lost as her, drunk. Jake was gone. She was a mess.
« I'm mad at myself Steve you know...not at you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, wishing for you, dreaming of you...But most of all, for not hating you, which I know I should...But I just can't... »
Steve nodded. « I know how you feel...you'd like to hate me so it would be easier to forget me... »
Catherine turned her face away from the window and looked at him. She saw honesty in his eyes, which were still very red « You always make me the bad one Steve, telling people I left you twice...making me feel guilty, but that's not fair... » she said. Catherine couldn't believe they had such a deep conversation right now. Listening to each other, showing each other their real emotions.
Steve let his back fall on her bed, he closed his eyes because they were hurting him by their warmth and their tiredness.
« You know Cath... » he began « Sometimes I wish that I had never met you...»
Catherine was really hurt by what he just said, but she wanted him to continue, so she didn't interrupt him.
« I wish that I had never met you...then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain...for forgotten promised...no need for acting like you care or for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing... » Steve told her
Catherine was very upset by all of this. « Because you think it was easy for me ? Simple ? You walked away from me Steve...by not waiting for me...you didn't even let me explain...You have to understand th.. » she wanted to finish her sentence but she was interrupted by Steve.
« You ruined me Catherine...you ruined me like hell... » he said, his eyes still closed, as his put his hands over his face to rub it.
« You're the one who ruined me Steven ! How do you think I felt when I saw you replaced me so quickly ! You were having a romantic dinner with her when I came back last year ! Candles and everything, you never did this for me...never...and now you're the one telling me I ruined you ?! Once again, I'm the bad one ? YOU told me you coudn't wait for me BUT you keep saying I'm the one who left ? I went on a mission Steve, I didn't left you ! » her voice was now much louder as she could feel the anger in her body.
Steve stood up from the bed, he laughed and rolled his eyes. She hated when he did that. He looked so haughty !
« You left me once when you stayed in Afghanistan ! YOU told me I should move on Catherine ! Then you came back...and oh..what a surprise, a few weeks after YOU left again ! For a mission with MY mother. You knew you wouldn't stay when you came back for Kono's wedding 2 years ago, remember this ?! I couldn't wait for you any longer! Making my whole life always WAITING for you ! So yeah, I moved on ! And YOU did the same ! » he yelled at her
« What is all of this Steve ? First we say each other how we feel, the next second we yell at each other... » she said calmly, not wanting to lose her composure.
Steve felt defeated. Maybe he should try to calm down. He loved her. She loved him. But so many things happened the last years, was it possible to disregard everything that took place ever since ?
« Kiss me... » he said
« What ?! » Catherine replied, she couldn't believe he acted like they didn't even discuss
« Kiss me Catherine... » Steve said, moving closer to her.
She wanted to slap him and to kiss him in the same time. But she decided to simply move away from him. Steve looked deep in her eyes. They've talk too much for him.
« You...you should go back to your room right now...I forgot how drunk you are... » she said
« I might be drunk, yeah right...but what I said...all of it..I meant it.. » he said, still looking at her with intensity « and I think you meant what you said as well... » he said while putting his right hand on her cheek The feel of his hand on it felt so good. « Kiss me...you know you want to Cath... » he whispered as he approached her more and more, their lips were so close. « Kiss me... » he whispered one last time. They were looking at each other with a mix of sadness, anger and strong desire. As their lips were almost touching, Catherine took a quick step forward.
« No ! No ! No no no ! This isn't suppose to happen ! God everything is going so wrong ! It's not suppose to turn out that way ! » she said, loosing her calm « Get out Steve... »
« Catherine wait...just wait... » Steve said, as he thought he might have gone a little bit too far.
« GET OUT FROM HERE ! » Catherine shouted « GET OUT !RIGHT NOW ! »
Steve stood still, watching her anger explodes. He knew he had hurt her. With his words, with his actions. But he was hurt and upset as well, because she had rejected him, once more he thought. He reached the door and opened it. Catherine's was breathing fast, she was so mad, so sad, so tired, so LOST, looking at him helplessly.
« You know...I wasn't lying when I said that you ruined me Catherine... » he said one last time, before closing the door.
Catherine knew that this night was going to be one of those nights. She numbly locked the door shut and then stared at her hands for long minutes before finally breaking again. She gasped for breath, silently sobbing about everything that went wrong all at once. Everything that was wrong and that she couldn't deal with. She took deep, exhausted, shuddering breaths as she went to bed, still with the dress she wore at the wedding. Catherine quietly cried herself to sleep. That was the worst type of crying, the silent one. The one when you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from tears. The one where you just want to scream. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can't breath anymore. The one when you realize the person that meant the most to you, is gone.
Steve went back to his hotel room, still thinking about everything that went wrong. He couldn't even think properly, he was ruined, as he said to Catherine. Why was their love story so impossible ? Why was it so complicated ? He had been mean to her and he knew it, but it was his way to let her see how much it hurt him when she left, how hurt he felt when he saw her with Jake, how lost he was in his mind, in his heart.
And now, I don't know what to do. I can't keep trying to make it work with her when she won't let it. I'm sure she'll be better off without me. But can we really go on without each other ? How does two people in love learn to live life with nothing left but the pain of hearts torn into tiny pieces ?
Steve didn't have any energy left to think anymore, he just fell on his bed, with his suit and shoes still on, and fell asleep in less than a minute.
The next morning, Catherine woke up huddled in a corner of her bed with a sore neck and a pounding headache. To her surprise, she was able to sleep all night long without even waking up. It was already 10.30 am when she looked at the clock. She felt uncomfortable and she slept in her dress, make-up on. The first thing she thought about was about how horrible the day before had been. She had this feeling in her stomach,like her heart was really broken. Like all the butterflies just died. She was satisfied that she actually get to talk with Steve, and that he said things back. She knew he still loved her. She knew she still loved him. But she knew as well that with the fight they had the previous night, things will be even more complicated. Moving on from someone you love is a constant battle. It physically and mentally drains you because you're constantly fighting back memories and feelings. And that's why, when you wake up all alone, you become so weak. You're so tired of fighting it. And then the memories come back and the longing returns and suddenly you want to be in his arms, but you know you can't. Because in the morning you'll have to go back to being strong again and you'll have to go back to fighting it, and nothing wouldn't change anyways...
That was all the feelings Catherine had in her when she finally stood up from her bed and went into the bathroom, looking at her pale and sad reflection in the mirror. I should really take a shower, and take off this make-up, I look awful...While showering, she couldn't stop thinking about him. Steve. His smile. His eyes. His voice. His laugh. His warmth. His existence. Him...What's next now ?
After she had removed all her make-up under the water, she exited it, and looked for some clothes. She decided to wear comfortable stuffs for the day and she took her gray leggings and an oversized, blush colored t-shirt that swallowed her petite frame. Catherine's face was free of make-up and she pulled her hair back into a low ponytail, a few pieces escaping to frame her face. Then, she brushed her teeth and looked again in the mirror, she looked better, she felt fresh and clean. She went until her bed when she found her cell phone and saw she received 3 text messages and one missed call.
The missed call was from Kono, as one of the text message. She received her call and text at 7 a.m , so it was when she was still asleep, and she didn't even heard the ringtones. Catherine opened Kono's message :
-Catherine ! We're going to sleep just now, it was such a long and amazing wedding ! I don't know when we'll wake up but I'll send you a text ! I have to cancel the brunch so sorry but we see each other this afternoon/evening before you left ! Xoxo Kono
Catherine smiled as she was happy that Kono and Adam spent a nice time at the wedding. She knew Chin and Abby took the plane during the night for their honeymoon in Mauritius. So she was happy the party continued even when they left, it means people really had fun !
She sent a short text to Kono, telling her it was okay and that she could call when she wake up.
The second and third texts were from Jake, that she received at 8.45 am
-I have a plane in 50 mins. I personnaly had a great year with you and I wish you the best now. I'll prefer if you don't contact me anymore, never.
-You have some stuffs left at my place, I'll send it to your place . Do the same with mine. If you come back to Washington, don't let me know. I know we're done. Good luck. Jake
Even with the pain she caused to his heart, Jake remained polite and nice in his text. Catherine felt relieved and bad in the same time. She knew the feel to have a broken heart and she never meant to hurt Jake. But she had to stop playing with him. As he asked her to never contact him again, she knew she didn't have to reply to his texts.
She wondered what she could do now. It was 11.30, she was ready, and she didn't want to stay in her hotel room. Kono was still asleep, and she supposed most of her other friends were also still sleeping. So,as she was very hungry , she decided to get out of her room and to get to the hotel restaurant to have something to eat. She hoped not to see Steve there. Because first of all,she had to think of what to do with this whole situation.
Meanwhile, Steve was awake already. He woke up at 9.55 am, took a long shower where he was able to put everything that happened the previous night in order, then called the reception to have his breakfast in his room. He had no hangover at all and could remember everything. The kiss, the talk, the fight. What should I do now ? Should we have another talk ? I planned to say all these terrible things to her, but in the end, I just want to tell her that I miss her...what if she left already ?! What if she's gone ? No...no...she wouldn't come just for one day...but what If she couldn't handle the situation no longer ? And she said that Jake was gone last night, but where is he ?
Steve had so many questions to ask, so many things to say...He tried to contact Danny but the cellphone kept going on voicemail. He assumed his friend was still sleeping.
Their was a knock on his door « Hello ! Room service ! » Steve opened his door and gave a quick glimpse into the corridor « Hi ! Thank you...looks delicious », he said to the guy, giving him a tip in the same time. He then took the tray and went with it on the balcony. As he sat, he woundered if Catherine was still in her room. He wasn't sure of what to do. Steve was the type of guy who hold in a lot. When he's upset, he really doesn't like to tell anyone. Especially the person who made he feel that way. No matter how much anyone asks, the answer will always be « I'm fine », even if it's not true. And right now, he wasn't fine at all. But yesterday night, he told a lot to her, to Catherine. He let her known how much he was broken after she left. But Catherine, she could break his heart into tiny little pieces, and he'd still pick them up and put them back in her hands. Because, to Steve, she has been breaking his heart. Looking into her eyes and knowing that their story was so complicated, was a pain like he'd never known. He knew now that it was the tiny pieces of his heart falling away.
Steve felt that pain every time he looked at her. It gathered in the middle of his chest whenever he heard her voice or caught sight of her. It continued on until yesterday night, when she told him to go away. He thought, when she left the second time, that he would make it through all the pain. But he didn't, even when he was with Lynn. Things only became more complicated since Cath's return to Hawaii yesterday morning.
Steve was still sitting on the chair of his balcony, drinking his orange juice. He needed to have a calm discussion with her. All of this was way too stupid. He thought if he could just keep her here, just somehow prevent her from leaving this time, everything would maybe be okay. When someone makes you the happiest person and the saddiest person at the same time, that's when it's real. That's when it's worth something. He woke up this morning, noticing he had to try something. She was worth the fight. He could close his eyes for something he didn't want to see, but he couldn't close his heart for something he didn't want to feel. It was now 11.15 am and he made the decision to find where Catherine was.
At the same moment, Catherine was sitting alone at a table in the hotel restaurant,eating scrambled eggs with a few slices of bacon, drinking an orange juice and staring into space. She was considering to leave early and not to wait until the following morning, when she'll have a flight at 11.25 a.m for Washington. But she thought about Kono and she really wanted to see her again. So she had no options but to stay. After all, she didn't have to see Steve again, that's what she thought.
She wanted her time in Hawaii to be memorable, instead, it was a nightmare. Steve told her she ruined him several times, and it was unbearable for her to think she did that to him, after everything's he'd been through with the death of his dad, the issues with his mother, the whole story with Wo Fat. She was so devastated to know he considered her as one of the person who ruined him as well.
She sighed as she rubbed her face with her left hand and began to chew her lips, because she felt so anxious, so alone...
Steve was confident. He knew she had made the first step and it was his turn to find out if their story had an end or not. He went in front of Catherine's hotel room and knocked softly. As she didn't replied, he knocked a little bit harder, but once again, there were no answers. He then made his way to the elevator and pressed the « 0 » button, which was the hotel reception. When he arrived, the hall was almost empty, there were just a few tourists arriving with big suitcases. He had an intuition Catherine wasn't far away. And he was right. When he approached the glass door of the hall, which gave a sight on the restaurant, he saw her. She was on her backside so she couldn't see him. It was now or never. Steve took a deep breath and entered the restaurant. He wouldn't be surprised if she would prefer to avoid him and the conversation that they obviously needed to have.
« Hi... » he said, almost in a whisper
Cath turned her head and couldn't believe Steve was there. No words could come out of her mouth and she was momentarily shinned into silence. She looked at him helplessy. He took that as a good point and as she didn't ask him to go, he took a seat in front of her.
« Cath...last night.. »
« It's okay...» she interrupted, gently, not looking in his eyes. She was so happy he actually made the first step, and she was so happy he remembered what happened.
« I...I don't know where to begin...I think we were both... »
« Really angry at each other... » she said, finally looking at him, making a small smile that led him to smile at her.
« Yeah...sorry I came like this in your bedroom, I shouldn't have... »
« Sorry I told you to get out... »
Last night was the first time they had such a big fight. It never happened. Some things needed to be said.
He didn't know how to continue and felt more and more embarrassed. He really had trouble to express his feelings. Catherine knew it, so she gave him a helping hand and began to speak again
« I meant what I said, everything...and I'm sorry if you think I ruined you... »
« Yeah..and I'm sorry if you were hurt by anything I could have say... »
« Look Steve, we should just...I mean...maybe we should just...move on...turn the page...we should close this chapter of hurt, and never re-read it again. I think...I think it's time to get what your life deserves, and move on from the things that you don't deserve...We should...try to stop to correct our past, and instead...create something better for the future. We said all of these things last night and nothing will ever be the same... »
Steve didn't know what she really meant, and she saw he had an interrogative look, so she kept going
« My mom always told me that moving on and getting over someone is one of the hardest things you have to do in life. And this is true...Especially if it's with someone you saw your future with. So you have to move on the right way...Get your closure from them and tell them everything you ever wanted to tell them, how much you love them, how much you hate them, etc...So you will have no regrets or what ifs...Then tell them goodbye forever. It's going to hurt like hell. But you have to wake up every day and continue your life without them. It's always easier said than done. So just let time heal you know...heal the wounds...to take care of your heart...and one day you will wake up and won't miss them anymore... » Catherine finished, with teary eyes.
Steve was sad to hear her talk this way and asked « You're saying this because I told you that you ruined me ? »
« I'm saying this because I think that, last night, we said everything we had to say and now and...I feel bad for what I did to you when I left..I couldn't imagine Steve... »
« Cath no..wait...just wait.. » Steve said, he could feel some tears coming, so he stared at the ceiling to prevent them to fall. Now was the right time to say everything he wanted to say « This past two years...I have learned only one thing...that I cannot exist without you, that...that I cannot exist without you...that I can't breathe without you...than the man I am without you is...I'm nothing...I am nothing...and you are...you're everything ! And I need you to give me another chance...I demand another chance...we worth another chance Cath...is there hope ? » he finally honestly said, looking at her with his beautiful light blue eyes.
Catherine was so touched by his words that she had to contain a sob she didn't even expected. She saw how sincere he was. She never expected things to go so fast. Yesterday she was still with Jake, and now she was with the man of her dream, the only man she ever loved. It was fast, but they had to stop beating around the bush, stop being too proud, or what they both wanted will never happen.
« There's hope... » she replied, with a sorrowful smile
Steve replied with a tender smile « Good... »
« I thought this kind of problems only happen in movies, or in novels I read. It's not supposed to happen in my life » she told him, trying to erase the weird situation they were stuck in.
« So...last night...you told me Jake was gone... » Steve said, trying not to act too curious
« Yes...he's gone..we're done... » she announced, seeing that Steve made efforts not to be happy about it.
« Oh..I'm sorry...was it bec- » he said before being cut short by the beautiful woman in front of him, the woman he never thought will be back in his life.
« It wasn't fair for him... »
Steve liked the fact that she decided to be honest with Jake.
« Look...about Lynn..it's not what you think...we don't even see each other that often...»
Catherine was determined to hear the end of Steve's explanations.
« Even if you think you didn't...you left me Catherine... » Steve said, brokenly. She could see the pain in his eyes, it took her breath away.
« You left me...I needed you...you were gone...so I had no hope anymore and I wanted to continue my life..and..and Lynn, I never felt anything for her..I want you to believe me... I kept thinking about you all the time...but she was there when...when I needed someone..when I needed a female presence... »
« I understand Steve...I know this feeling... » she said. Her voice broke on the last syllable, her chin was trembling.
« But I'm going to make a term to whatever I have with her...really, you're everything I want Catherine and...and...we would figure things out, alright ? »
« Yeah... » she squeezed her eyes shut, as tears rolled down her face.
Steve stood up from his chair and went to her « Stand up... ». He only had to ask once as Catherine stood up from her chair as well, still sobbing, trying to control her breathing but she broke down in front of him, and in front of the whole restaurant, but there weren't many people and to be honest, they didn't care at all.
Her posture was defeated, her body shaking. She let Steve pull her in his arms and rested her forehead against his chest. She felt so small and fragile as he wrapped his arms around her tightly, giving her a safe place to fall apart. Then, Steve rubbed a hand soothingly up and down her back, rocking them slightly where they stood.
« Do you want to leave this place? » he whispered in her ears. She nodded, and they exited the restaurant, walking together as her head was on his shoulder. He felt like he was in heaven. She felt like the butterflies in her stomach were alive again.
« So...where do you want to go ? » Steve asked
« I don't care...as long as you're with me, I don't care... » . Catherine had stopped crying, but she still had a small voice.
« Do you want to go for a walk or something ? »
« I'd love that...but I should just change my shoes...I don't feel comfortable in it... »
« Okay, I can wait for you here if you want.. » he offered
« Hmm no..no you can come with me I don't..I don't mind » she replied with an angel smile
He had missed this smile so much. While they approached Catherine's hotel room, he felt like he was dreaming. So all of this is really happening ? Or maybe I'm still sleeping ? Or maybe I'm still very drunk ? No...no it's real...He thought, as he couldn't believe how lucky he was and how they quickly succedded in having an adult conversation. He couldn't believe he expressed his feelings like he did this morning. Maybe I should do this more often, these conversations things...
But things weren't that easy, they still had lots of things to do to be in a real relationship again. He had to broke up with Lynn, they had to discuss about her staying or not, they had to do everything in the right order.
As they entered her hotel room, Steve noticed there were lots of tissues remaining on the night table. He felt bad, knowing she must have cried because of him.
Catherine took her shoes off and scratched her head as she wondered which other pair she could wear. Steve was intensively watching at her.
« What ? » she asked
« Nothing...it's just...weird...2 days ago you weren't there...a few hours ago we were fighting in there, and now I watch you pick some shoes to go on a walk with me » Steve replied with a soft voice.
She chuckled « It's like we're in a movie, that's what I told you... »
Steve took her hand by surprise and looked in her eyes, not hiding his emotions.
« Cath...last night...you said you loved me...and I want you to know that...that I feel the same way okay...».
Catherine nodded her head in affirmation, telling him with her eyes that she understood. She knew it was hard for him to say "I love you". That's when he leant in to kiss her, for the second time in two years. Catherine cradled his face with both hands and pulled him in a long kiss. This kiss was laced with love. The long presses turned into short pecks, which turned into something in between, something playful with a little bit of tongue. Their hands had permission to wander now and they did, over shoulders and jawlines, stroking down backs and threading through hair. The kisses were now filled with more and more desire.
They both allowed themselves to fall back on the bed. They both clawed at their clothes as if they were on fire, they just kept their underwears. Steve started to press warm kisses up and down her neck, his hands sliding around to rest low her belly. Covering his hands with hers, she leant back into his touch and dipped her head to one side, giving him more access...
« Steve ? » she asked while dragging his hands up over her stomach, enjoying the contact
« Mmm ? » he just replied, his mouth busy tracing her jaw
« Wait...We...we should wait...» she said, softly
That got his attention and he lifted his head from her neck, putting it to the side, questionning.
« Just until...just until you've told Lynn » she clarified « I mean...it's been a long time for us, and so much has happened yesterday and today already...I want us to get some time to process...and not to have the mistress rôle...»
« You're right...okay... » Steve said, simply.
« Okay ? Really ? » she asked, surprised he agreed so easily.
« I think it's a good idea. Don't get me wrong..I want you..like...like crazy » he said, his voice dropping lower and sending a shiver up her spine. « But, you're right, we should wait to get things in order... »
« Yeah.. » she nodded
He connected their lips in a series of soft kisses « I want you next to me tonight though. Can we do that ? » he asked softly, nuzzling his nose against her cheek.
« I think it could be possible », she murmured, kissing him gently.
They were both interrupted by a knock on Catherine's bedroom door. They looked at each other when they heard Danny :
« Catherine ! Hello ! Catherine ! If Steve is with you in this room I will kill him with my bare hands! »
They both chuckled softly but Danny heard them
« I knew it ! I heard your goofy laughs ! For the love of God you two are unbelievable ! Open this door now ! » said Danny louder
Steve sighed and said « He will really do it if I don't reply ! ». Catherine and him stood up as they both put their clothes back on. All is right in this world she thought. She felt so happy for the first time in two years. The most important person, Steve, was right there with her.
To be continued...
