I don't SVU. I do own Erin, Delilah, Chris, and any other characters you don't recognize from the show. Unless, I mean, you don't recognize Olivia and stuff…then my advice to you would be to watch the show a little more often.
Erin awoke in a familiar habitat. Her head was on her pillow. Her body was under her covers. She was lying in her room. It was as if everything was normal. Any second now her alarm clock would go off, and she'd go to school. She'd go about her day, attend to all the business that needed attending to, come home, do homework, eat dinner, sleep, and repeat. It was a normal pattern, a simple routine. Today could very well be one of those mundane days in the pattern of simplistic teenage life. She glanced over to her right to see Olivia sitting on the rolling chair she used for her computer desk. Her hand was on her chin, her nails digging into her palm, and her eyes were fixed in a gaze on a picture on the opposite side of the room.
"You know, the fact that you're basically watching me sleep is a little bit creepy," Erin spoke. She noticed her voice sounded hoarse, like she had a cold. Her throat didn't hurt in the slightest. Her head was a little sore, though, come to think of it.
The sudden sound snapped Olivia out of her gaze, and her attention transferred from the black-and-white shot of the Eiffel tower to the figure on the bed.
"Hey," she said softly, getting up to wheel the chair closer to the side of the bed.
"Hey," Erin said back. "But seriously, what was with the 'Twilight' rendition? You weren't Edward Cullen last time I checked."
"What?" Olivia asked with confusion.
"Why are you in here?" Erin asked innocently, not bothering to clarify the pop-culture reference for the sake of moving conversation along. "Shouldn't you be at work? It's already," she looked at the clock, "nine-thirty. And why am I not at school? Just decided to let me sleep in? Well thank you very much for that, but I should probably go before I miss Spanish," she said, making a move to get up.
"I don't think that's such a good idea," Olivia put her hands out.
"Why?" Erin said innocently, flopping back down on the bed.
Olivia narrowed her eyes, her mouth slightly ajar. "Erin, honey, do you remember what happened last night?" she asked slowly, speaking as gently as possible. On the inside, however, she was freaking out, a self-chastising monologue racing through her head. Shit, she thought, does she have a concussion after all? I should've just taken her to the damn hospital. But she didn't hit her head hard. One of the police from the other units caught her before she hit the floor. She was breathing fine all night. Dammit, Olivia, it's always better to be safe than sorry.
"Of course. Oh, God, this is about the sneaking out isn't it? Look, I'm really sorry about that. I swear to you that it will never happen again. I just-I needed to know, you know? I just had to-"
"Erin," Olivia stopped her. "That's not important right now; you and I both know that."
"Well then what is this about?"
Olivia opened her mouth to say something, to state to obvious, quickly realizing that that wasn't the right approach. She thought back to some of her training, some of her experiences even, with others and herself. Erin was still at that first stage. Denial. She was still early enough in the grieving process to have the irrational notion that ignoring the problem would make it go away.
Acknowledgement. That was the first true step to healing. The first step in the very long road to the ultimate goal: acceptance. She wasn't sure how long that would take. She wasn't even sure how the journey would be. But she was determined. She vowed that she'd help the process along. She wouldn't rush it, but wouldn't let it become stuck. Wouldn't let one phase take over and devour, latch on and send the victim, her victim, into a downward spiral of constant depression and fear. Olivia would not let it consume her; she promised herself and Erin, she would not allow that to happen.
She put her elbows on her knees, leaned forward, and took a deep breath. She gave a small smile that she didn't mean and took one of Erin's hands in her own. She spent a couple of seconds trying to figure out exactly how to go about this, in the meantime making small circles with her thumb over the back of Erin's hand. If only it was that easy. Just to hold the power to rub out all the pain, the suffering, the sadness. In a perfect world, she thought.
"I know that this is hard," she said with soothing sympathy, still staring at their interlocked hands. "And I know that dealing with this, admitting what happened, seems overbearing. You think that if you confess what happened that the weight of the world is going to come crashing down on you, and I'm not going to lie to you, that just may be what it feels like. Like the world is crashing and crumbling and crushing you," she looked up to stare into the younger woman's eyes. "But I promise you, that acknowledging this now, is going to make it a hell of a lot easier in the long run," she nodded with reassurance.
Erin took a deep breath. "You promise?" she asked shakily.
"I promise."
Erin bit her lip and looked away. "But what if-" she stopped herself short in order to catch the breath that got caught in her throat from unreleased sobs. "What if I'm scared?" she asked in a whisper, making eye contact again.
"Scared of what?" She questioned. First step.
"I…I don't know," she said, shifting her glance to the wall.
"Yes you do, Erin, yes you do." Silence. "Erin, what you scared of?" she pushed with a whisper.
"I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to handle it," she admitted, her voice fluctuating, her throat tightening to the point where suppressing the tears became almost unbearable.
"You will."
"How can you be so sure?" she asked, not with skepticism or challenge, but with helplessness, uncertainty, distrust in herself.
"Because you won't have to do it alone. That much I can guarantee you. You're not going into this battle single-handedly," she reassured.
"Swear?"
"Absolutely," she said with conviction. "And I know that Elliot, and Delilah, Chris, Casey, Alex, everyone that matters, will back me up on that."
Erin nodded her head and bit down on her trembling lip. A whimper escaped before she sucked it back in, trying so desperately to maintain composure. "I don't think he'd want me to cry," she said as it was some kind of excuse.
"But I know he'd understand if you did," Olivia told her.
Erin shrugged and looked down at her lap, her teeth chomping forcefully on the inside of her mouth, acting as a barrier to showing the throbbing hurt of loss, the anguishing ache of confusion, and the numbing emptiness.
"Hey," Olivia said with the upmost delicacy, "look at me," she instructed, assisting the request with the light placing of her fingers under her chin, tilting it slightly to insist the soft demand. "You're going to be okay," she finished.
Erin nodded. "I know," she said, a few tears managing to slip out.
Olivia shifted her arms, beginning the attempt at comforting her.
"Don't," Erin said, holding her hand out. Olivia looked at her, wide-eyed with surprise at the sudden outburst. "I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean it like that," she quickly apologized. "I just-"
"You need some time," Olivia finished.
"I just have to process it all," Erin explained, rubbing her temples.
Olivia nodded. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Um," Erin sniffled, raking a hand through her hair, her arm shaking in the process of the reaching, "not right now," she concluded. "I'm sorry, I'm just figuring out how to handle all of this, and-"
"I get it," Olivia said, hesitating to get up, still looking at the girl in front of her. She took in the tear-stained face, her currently wiping at her eyes and nose with her sleeve, her hair in a tangled mess, her eyes shocked, glazed, and worn down. She finally stood up, deciding she needed her own pace and space to deal. This wasn't going to be suddenly fixed two seconds. It would take time, and now she needed it. Needed time to be able to think and breathe and process before anything else could happen. "Okay then, I'm going to go," she said, one hand on the door. "Can you at least promise me you'll try and rest?"
Erin gave a slight nod, and, as if to make her point, pulled the covers up to her shoulders.
"And you yell if you need anything. Anything at all," she demanded, pointing a sincere finger at the teen.
"Aye aye, captain," Erin said, giving a tiny lip quiver resembling a smile.
Olivia returned the gesture, and closed the door, saying a silent prayer in her head that this was foreshadowing of things to come. Hoping that there would be light at the end of this tunnel.
SVU SVU SVU
"How is she? Is she all right?" Casey asked, busting in the door of the apartment.
"Thanks for the knock, councilor," Olivia said, glancing towards her as she folded a blanket and draped it across the back of the recliner.
"Sorry, I just need to know if she's okay. And my time's limited, I'm using my lunch break here and Donnelly will have my ass if I'm late going back. She is okay, right?" the redhead asked in a somewhat panicked tone, stepping unconsciously to the hallway which held Erin's bedroom.
"Well, gee Case, I don't know. Her best friend just died and she saw his lifeless body on the floor and covered with blood. She was so freaked that she blacked out, so, yeah Casey, I imagine she's feeling great," Olivia said sarcastically, tidying up the living room for the sheer fact of giving her something to do. She was going to go crazy here. Locked up in this house filling with bottled emotion felt suffocating, and that fact Casey was here now didn't make her feel any better.
"Yeah, right, stupid question. But physically, she's not injured, I mean she's not in the hospital so it can't be that serious right?" she briefed quickly.
"Yeah, physically she's fine, thank God. Walking around in the streets in the middle of the night, I've had my fair share of cases like that and you know how that usually turns out," she lifted an eyebrow and pursed her lips, trying as hard as she could not to let the bubbling energy under the surface explode onto her friend. It was like she was a shaken up soda can, a ticking time bomb.
"She's lucky."
"In the sense that she wasn't raped, kidnapped, or worse, then yeah. It's like she won the freaking lottery," she practically spat, her voice saturated with sarcasm.
"Good, good," Casey said, considerably more settled at the news. "Can I talk to her? See her, whatever?" she asked, sensitivity in her tone that rarely ever made its appearance in the lawyer's usually frosty demeanor.
"She's sleeping, or trying to sleep," Olivia said simply, rearranging magazines on the coffee table.
"Oh," Casey said, struggling to keep the disappointment out of her voice. "Well, if you need someone to come over and help, bring food, watch the kids, whatever, I'm available. Or I can make myself available, tell Liz to suck it. Or, you know, maybe not say it exactly like that. But the point is I can do whatever you need me to." she offered.
"Thanks, but I don't think we need the help. I took today off, and the Captain said to take as much as I need. I'm going to get some paperwork to work on tonight, but Elliot will be here, so I think we're covered."
"Right, well, that's understandable. But I'm saying just in case-"
"And I'm telling you that it's not going to be necessary," Olivia said shortly.
Casey nodded, scrambling to find the mask of coldness that would hide her hurt. "What's your problem?" she asked straightforwardly.
"What's my problem?" Olivia chuckled as she dropped a magazine down with too much force for it to have been an accident. "What's my problem?" she repeated. "A kid, my kid, the kid that I'm responsible for right now, the kid that I think of like my own daughter, snuck out of the house last night. She saw her classmate, no, one of her best friends murdered body. She's now not only depressed, but scared to death because she saw a person she loved on the ground in a pool of blood. She's a sophomore for God's sake. And the thing is, this happened on your watch," she said, pointing an accusing finger.
"Oh, so this is my fault?" Casey asked, furious at the accusation. Infuriated at both Olivia and herself. How could she have fallen asleep so quickly? Why didn't she hear? Why didn't she wake up? How could she have let this happen?
Olivia shrugged.
"You actually think that I'm to blame in this situation?" She asked in a dangerously low tone.
"Blame you for what, you didn't do anything. And that's the point, you did nothing," Olivia emphasized.
"Look, I get that you're upset and I get that you need to point fingers at someone, but do you actually think that I'm that person?"
"I trusted you, Casey. I trusted you to look out for Erin and Delilah. I thought that you could handle it, but apparently I was wrong. Won't happen again," she threw her hands up.
"Damn right it won't, I'm gone. Find someone else to call at three in the goddamn morning. Anyone but me."
"Fine."
"Fine," Casey growled with finality, her hand reaching for the doorknob.
"Wait," the two women stopped to turn to the voice coming from the hallway. "Casey, please don't leave."
"Sorry Erin, but I'm obviously not welcome here by some," she said, glaring at Olivia.
"No, you can't just do that," Erin said harshly.
"Erin, I-"
"You promised me," Erin said forcefully. "Yesterday morning I freaking told you that I trusted you. I even gave you the whole spiel on my abandonment issues and all that hoopla, and you looked me in the eye and told me I could count on you. So, what, now you just bail because you and Olivia had a petty little fight? The going gets rough, so you pack your bags and say adios forever? That's selfish, and a little pathetic," Erin said, and noticing no beginning on caving in for resolution on either of the adults' parts, rolled her eyes. "Grow up, people. We've all just seen how short life can be. You don't always get second chances. Don't screw this up," she said sharply, making a move to go back to her room.
"Erin, wait. Please," Casey practically begged, sharing a look with Olivia. "I'm sorry I upset you, I didn't mean it."
"I got caught up in the heat of the moment. I said some things I shouldn't have said," Olivia joining in the conversation.
"We both did," Casey defended Olivia's actions. "And we didn't mean it. It's just, this is hard on all of us, certainly you can understand that."
"We made mistakes. Neither of us actually meant any of the things that we said," she glanced at Casey to verify this. "It was just a stupid fight, really."
Erin looked and listened to both the excuses and nodded, contemplating whether to be satisfied at how it turned out, judging the genuineness of the apologies. She finally decided to just be content at how quick the resolution was, and accepted their explanations. "Okay, so are you guys good now?" she asked, kicking the floor, her stare on her feet.
The two women looked at each other and shared small, apologetic smiles. "Yeah."
"Good. Because," Erin took a breath, "because you know…I just-I can't afford to lose another person that matters," she said, looking up and nodding at Casey. "I'm going to go back to my room now, okay?" she addressed the two.
"Okay," Olivia nodded, her hand subconsciously traveling in front of Casey, telepathically sending her a message not to follow or question this. Casey saw this and clenched her teeth together, getting the message, but definitely not happy about it.
Erin nodded and walked back to her room.
"What the hell was that?" Casey asked after the door closed.
"What?"
"That. That thing in Erin's body. Who was that that just walked in here?"
"Casey, she's suffering from a traumatic event. It's going to take time for her to regain some of, well, herself."
"Well why aren't we following her, pushing her harder, questioning her to make sure she's going down the right path? She's alone right now. Do you honestly think that's the best thing for her?"
"She asked to be alone."
"So? It doesn't mean she should be."
"Casey, I realize you're concerned, and I understand you want to help, and I thank you that you're sticking around for her, even after I just bitched you out for absolutely no good reason other than the fact that you were conveniently in close proximity and most likely wouldn't slug me."
"Don't worry about that, it was nothing," she shrugged off the fight, it already long out of her mind by now.
Olivia bobbed her head in appreciation of the acceptance of her indirect apology. "But it's going to take time, maybe even some counseling for her to get through it. I get that you want to be in there with her, trust me, I literally have to mentally talk myself out going in there in periodic intervals, but you have got to understand that this is her way of dealing."
"But it's not normal. She needs to talk about it."
"The breakdown will come, but in due time. We have to be patient if this is going to work."
"But what can we do now?"
"Wait. Wait and prepare for the breakdown, because when it comes, she's going to need a hell of a lot of support."
Casey nodded, clearly not wanting to accept this, but knowing she'd have to. She couldn't take being in this house anymore. It was like watching a train speeding full-force towards the girl and no one had the power to stop it or help her dodge it. She couldn't take the anticipation of the crash. She'd help clean up the wreckage; sure, she was good at that. Good at fixing things when they were broken, but she couldn't bear to watch it shatter into pieces right before her eyes. "Call me if you need me, okay?" she asked, the line a segue to her ducking out before the storm hit.
"I will. You'll be one of the first ones I do," Olivia said.
Casey concurred and walked out the door feeling beaten down. Serves her right for having a heart, she thought. Being the cold-hearted bitch in the courtroom was much easier. The icy persona was so much easier to embrace. True compassion, she thought, frankly, sometimes it sucked.
SVU SVU SVU
Chris' eyes got involuntarily and substantially wider when he opened the door to Elliot, complete with his trademark blue shirt, black pants, and the gun in plain, mocking view strapped to his belt.
"Hey Mr. Stabler," he said, politely sticking out his hand for a handshake.
"Hey Chris, how you doing? And Elliot's fine. You can come on in," he said, smiling welcomingly and returning the handshake, much to Chris' relief. It's not that he was scared of Elliot per say…more like…intimidated. All right, so he was basically terrified of the man. He dared anybody to be in his same situation and say they didn't feel petrified.
"Okay, thanks. Why are you here? Wait, no! I didn't mean it like that," he defended when he realized how that sounded. "What I meant to ask is where's Olivia? She's usually here in the evenings. Well, I mean she would be considering she lives here in all, but um, what uh, what are you doing here this…late?" he asked, stumbling and rambling along, anxiousness showing.
"She's getting some paperwork from the precinct. And my apartment's still getting cleaned. Termites," he explained, taking some satisfaction in the fact the boy was still a little uneasy around them. Good, he thought, a little healthy fear would keep him from doing something he'd regret. If only all of them were this easy. God knows Kathleen's various lovers weren't nearly as threatened this easily. He almost shuddered at the memory.
"Oh, that's right, Erin told me about the bugs. That's inconvenient."
"Well it's definitely not fun by any means."
"Of course not. Sorry about the hassle."
"Eh, I'll get over it. So I'm assuming you're not here to talk to me. Probably want to see Erin, huh?"
"Yeah, those were my original intentions."
"Right, well, I don't know if you heard, but one of her classmates just passed away. She's having kind of a rough time with it."
"I heard about it. It's horrible. I can only imagine what she must be feeling. That's why I came here; to make sure she's okay."
"And I'm sure that she appreciates that, but if you don't mind I'm just going to check on her first and see if she's up for visitors. That all right with you?"
"Yeah, definitely. Sorry about just showing up. I should've called of something, but it kind of just slipped my mind."
"Eh, don't worry about it. I'll be back in a minute," he said, ducking into Erin's room.
"You may be seated, kind sir," Delilah said in her best British accent, sitting on the couch, pawing through a large stack of papers.
"Why thank you, my lady," Chris said, playing along and sitting on the edge of the sofa. "But I pardon to ask you, why are we old-time English royalty all of the sudden?"
"Since you asked, our school is doing a play, A Tale of Two Cities, and I want to be Lucie, but in order to get the part I need to eat, sleep, breath, and speak the language of the literature!" she proclaimed, still maintaining her accent.
"Oh, I see," Chris said, amused.
"Yes, indeed you do. Now, if I may ask you a question in return."
"Why of course."
"Then why, whenever you are aroundeth the kind Sir Stabler, doth thee become quite close to moistening the interior of your trousers?"
"Okay, I'm lost, modern English really quick?"
"Why ,whenever you're around Elliot, do you almost pee yourself? Why does he scare you so much?" She translated quickly.
"Oh," he said, a blush creeping into his cheeks, "well, he's kind of daunting!" he defended.
"You really think so?" Delilah asked, disbelieving.
"Well, yeah. He's strong and looks like he could kill you with one look," he rationalized.
"Hm…I don't see it. I think he's kind of a big teddy bear to be honest," she said, going back to studying what Chris could only assume was the A Tale of Two Cities script.
Elliot came out of the room, "She said you're fine to come in," he told Chris.
"Okay, sweet. See you Delilah, good luck on that part," Chris said, getting up from his seat.
"I graciously thank you!" she replied, waving a hand, not taking her eyes off the paper.
"Listen," Elliot motioned Chris to come near. "Don't stay too long, okay? Despite what she may say, Erin isn't doing too well, so don't push her too hard."
"Yes sir," Chris nodded and made a move further towards the door.
"Oh, and Chris," Elliot said, stopping him with his arm. "Keep the door open," he demanded in a tone that didn't leave an atom-sized space open for discussion.
"Yes sir," he promised again, walking into Erin's bedroom. It hurt him to see her laying there, her eyes red and her mouth in a frown. "Hey babe," he greeted. He was relieved she didn't forget how to smile, happy when her mouth curved upward at his arrival.
"Oh, Chris, it's so good to see you," she said, holding her arms out for a hug.
"It's good to see you too," he said, wrapping his arms around her in a warm, tight embrace. If only they could stay like this forever.
"I missed you. I'll scoot over so you can sit," she said, still embracing him, his chin resting on her head, his eyes facing the doorway. As if on cue, Elliot 'happened' to be walking by the door, and giving Chris a look that said that he'd better deny that offer.
"Actually, I'll just sit on the chair, you don't have to move," he said, pulling up the chair instead, scooting it back a few inches for good measure.
"Okay, whatever," Erin said, clueless to the silent conversation that had just taken place.
"So, how you holding up? I'm so sorry about what happened." He said sympathetically.
Erin shrugged. "I don't know. I…listen…I'm sorry, but can we just not talk about that right now?"
"Okay, sure. Yeah no problem. I'm sorry," Chris apologized.
"No, no, it's fine. Thank you for the condolences. I just…I want a break from all that. Just for a second, you know?"
"Totally, I got it. So…what do you want to talk about?" Chris asked awkwardly, figuring this visit would go quite differently.
"Oh, I don't know. Anything. How about you. How's school going?"
"Boring, as usual. Homework, nasty school lunches, Tony and Bob still getting into fights over P.E."
"Then literally nothing's changed. Even since the fourth grade Tony and Bob have been making that class into Olympic-like ordeals."
"Exactly. Remember when they got into a fist-fight in sixth grade?" Chris asked, smirking.
"Over volleyball? How could I forget?"
"And that weird lunch lady had to break it up."
"Mrs. Morrison!" Erin giggled, picturing the old woman. "Who was obsessed with rabbits and would talk to you about her fifty bunnies while you waited in line for your tater tots!"
"And what she said when she finally pulled them both off of each other?" Chris asked.
"Hop your bushy tails to the principal's office, younglings!" they completed the punch line of the memory together, each laughing at the recollection.
"Oh man, that chick was odd, no doubt," Erin said, after she stopped chuckling.
"Odd? How about completely psychotic?"
"Well yeah, that too," she agreed, smiling. "But you have to admit; she's good for laughs and makes for some good stories."
"No denying that," he smiled, moving to place a soft kiss on her lips.
"Thank you Chris," she said after returning the gesture.
"For what?"
"For making me laugh. For not throwing me an endless pity party. I mean, you made me feel like things might actually eventually be normal again."
"I'm glad. And I don't mean to ruin the mood here or piss you off, but you are going to have to deal with this eventually, to move on I mean."
Erin sighed. "I know, that's what everybody keeps saying. I know it'll happen soon, as much as I want to fight it. I'm trying to run like hell from it, but I know it's going to creep up and hit full-speed and force me to deal with it eventually."
"Unfortunately I think you're right. But I'll be here you when you need me," he said, kissing her again.
"I know I said this already," she said, pulling away from the kiss, "but really, thank you."
"All I did was help you remember some stuff."
"No," she protested, "you helped me forget."
SVU SVU SVU
She walked down the hallway, clutching her books tight in her hands. She noticed the penetrating stares; the eyes were burning into her as she made her way, self-consciously, to her locker. It felt like a death march.
"Nice going. How does it feel to be a murderer?" Nick, the jock who had pushed her the first day, said sarcastically, shoving her into the metal door, sending her slamming into her locker.
"You going to jail, you disgusting piece of trash!" Chris yelled.
"But Chris, I-"
"Why didn't you just kill him yourself?" Delilah spat hatefully, before she could finish replying to her boyfriend.
"What are you talking about?" Erin asked Delilah helplessly, close to tears.
"Fernando's dead! And you killed him!" Nick screamed.
"What? I didn't kill him! Of course I didn't! This is all a misunderstanding!"
"You took our best friend's life," Nick said.
"You never cared about him like I did!" Erin defended.
"No Erin, you're the one who didn't care about him. Why wouldn't you have stayed with him that night?"
"I don't know, I'm sorry!" she yelled. But no one was listening. " I should have done something, but I didn't! I'm sorry everyone, I didn't mean to! I'm so sorry!"
"Sorry?" Elliot laughed, suddenly appearing in the hallway. "Well that's not going to cut it now," he said. "You're under arrest for the murder of Fernando Gomez," she said, violently grabbing her wrists and cuffing her.
"No! No, I didn't mean to! I didn't do anything!" she yelled, thrashing around, trying to squirm away from Elliot.
"Oh, Quit playing martyr, Erin. You're to blame. You did nothing and now he's dead. You're a murder by default. You had a responsibility to watch out for him and you blew it."
"I know, but it was an accident!" she said, now suddenly out of the hallway and into a witness box.
"An accident?" Casey asked. "An accident. Killing Fernando Gomez was an accident?"
"Of course! I never meant to hurt him," she said, tears stung her eyes in front of the courtroom.
Casey laughed, "Right. Even though your hands are covered in his blood. Nothing further, your honor," she shot daggers at Erin and went to sit back down. Sure enough, she looked down, and her hands were dripping in blood. She shrieked with horror.
"Ms. Rowe, you are found guilty of murder in the first degree! Officers, take her to the tombs!" the judge yelled.
The cell door slammed shut, and she banged on the metal bars, noticing there was someone new slowing advancing towards her cell. Her last hope.
"Olivia! Olivia, thank God you're here. Everyone thinks that I killed Fernando but I didn't I swear! This is all a mistake. I didn't mean to. This is all just such a disaster. Olivia. Olivia? Olivia, why won't you talk to me?"
Olivia slowly turned to face Erin through the metal bars. "What do you want me to say? I can hardly look at you," she said coldly.
"What?" her heart dropped. "But I swear I didn't do it."
"I am just so…disgusted. Appalled, really. But I can't say I'm surprised. You always were a disappointment. I never want you to contact Delilah or me again, understand? Stay out of our lives," she warned, turning to walk away.
"Wait! Please," she begged, causing Olivia to turn back briefly, giving Erin a flicker of hope. "You have to believe me."
"You took a life Erin. And that's unforgivable," she turned sharply and walked away, leaving Erin to herself. Alone, in a dirty, dingy jail cell.
She closed her eyes and sunk down to the cold, hard, cement floor, putting her hands over her ears and closing her eyes tightly, but she couldn't get the tears or voices to stop.
Disappointment. Guilt. Disgust. Appalling. Murder. Killer.
She screamed, and screamed, and told them to stop, but they would not go away. She felt herself start to shake violently, and now the world was spinning too, and she could not get it to stop. The darkness was consuming and it continued spinning madly on.
"Erin?" Olivia formed the girl's name like a question, even though there was no denying who the screams belonged to. She took a deep breath, turned the lamp by her bed on, and grabbed her robe before speed-walking out of her room. She would be lying if she said that this surprised her. She anticipated it, really. It was an inevitability that the stresses and horrors she had been dodging all day would somehow catch up to her. She couldn't control her subconscious, and now her slumber was forsaking her.
She walked with a purpose, barely noticing Elliot stretching and yawning on the couch as she tied her robe, only detecting Delilah when she physically ran into her.
"Olivia, what's wrong with Erin?" the prepubescent girl asked in a whimper-like tone, rubbing at her terror-filled eyes.
Though she felt horrible to say it, she didn't even think of how this might affect the youngest in the house.
"Nothing, Del, Erin's just having a bad dream," she explained.
"Is she okay?" the smaller girl asked, concerned.
"She'll be fine, honey," Olivia reassuring, quickly kneeling to the shorter girl's level, taking her hand.
"Can I go see her? I'll help her if I can," she said with a raw, child-like innocence. Even though she was almost fourteen, she was still very naïve when it came to relationships considering her prior situation. There wasn't a lot of nurturing going on with the Jones family.
"I know you will, sweetie, but right now I don't think seeing her is such a good idea," Olivia said, smiling in attempt to silence the girl's fears. Though she felt bad for leaving Delilah here, obviously panicked by the teenager's ongoing shrieks, she knew she needed to get going to Erin's room. She looked to Elliot, who was already walking over to the pair.
"It'll be all right, Delilah. Come on, let's go back to your room and try to sleep," he tried to coax the girl to release her death-grip on Olivia's hand.
"Will you lay down with me? Until I fall asleep at least?"
"I'll stay as long as you want," he said, her hand shifting ownership, transacting from one adult to the other.
"Thank you, Elliot," Olivia whispered.
"No problem, I've dealt with nightmares many a time when the kids were little. Go take care of her, Liv."
Olivia nodded and continued to the room where Erin was tossing and turning up a fit. Her covers were now on the ground and she was thrashing up a fury on the mattress, her screeches and moans senseless, resounding, and incredibly audible.
"Erin. Erin, honey, you've got to wake up," Olivia commanded, firmly but tenderly taking her shoulders, shaking them softly enough as not to rattle or hurt the girl, but hard enough to assist in the waking-up process.
Erin instinctively tried to slap the new hands away, mumbling and crying out desperately.
"Hey, Erin, come on, you've got to get up. It's just a dream," she assured.
The yells and the whines continued, frustrating Olivia to no end that she couldn't get this nightmare to stop.
"Please wake up, baby girl," she pleaded, still continuing to try and shake the girl awake. She knew you weren't supposed to jerk someone awake out of a nightmare, instead having to slowly aid consciousness. What she didn't know is how she was supposed to be patient when the poor victim was screaming their lungs out.
"I promise you, everything will be okay if you just open your eyes," she promised, relieved when the girl drew in a sharp breath and opened her eyes, wide and glazed over.
"I didn't mean to kill him," she said, instantly recoiling when she realized Olivia's hands were on her, like she had just touched a hot stove. "I really didn't mean to do it," she said again, tears burning her face as she curled up into a ball-like stance, making herself as small as possible.
"It was just a nightmare, honey. You're okay now, you're safe. I'm right here," she said, sitting on the bed, placing a hand on the girl's knee, keeping it there even after she flinched away. This had to happen, and she vowed she'd be here for it.
"N-no. I-I was in jail. I'd killed him. Chris and Delilah and Nick all said that I did it, and Elliot arrested me, and there was blood on my hands in the courtroom and then Casey laughed, then the jail door slammed after-after you came in there and you couldn't even look and me, and everyone blamed me because I did it, I killed him and I had to pay," she rambled at a rapid-fire pace, shuddering uncontrollably.
"Listen to me, hon; it was all in your head. Just your imagination, that's all it was," she rationalized, taking Erin's hand in her own.
"No, it was real!" Erin insisted, pulling it back. "You couldn't-you couldn't even look me in the eye. You were so disappointed at what I'd done."
"Look at me," she instructed, and, unlike usual, Erin did so without question, desperately searching her face for answers. "Do I look upset?"
"No."
"Exactly. Everything's okay, see? You didn't do anything," she comforted.
"But it was so real," Erin said, finally accepting this explanation, her breath slowly regaining evenness.
"I know it was," she said empathetically, knowing how real night terrors could be, having more than her fair share of them after many occasions, many men in her repertoire. White, Gitano, Harris, even Zapata, all of them resonated and found home within the crevices of her slumber.
"I…I'm sorry," Erin whispered.
"No," Olivia shook her head.
"Yes," Erin practically yelped, sobs building up in her throat, only tears escaping for the time being. As much as she didn't want to surrender to the breakdown, she felt it would win out shortly. At least Olivia would be here when it happened. At least she'd have someone with her.
"Huh-uh. You have nothing to be sorry for," she said adamantly, taking Erin's face in her hands, taking strands of hair sticking to her face from sweat and tucking them behind her ears.
"But I-" she was prepared for one final protest.
"Shh," Olivia commanded, "don't fight it, sweetheart."
And with that, the floodgates were opened, the building pressure proving too much for the faulty barriers, the walls of denial she'd build ripped and torn by the seas and storms of tragedy. Of emotion. Of heartbreak.
Sobs fully wracked her body now, transforming the girl into a violently shivering mess of sweat and tears.
"Shh," Olivia said again, taking the weeping girl into her arms. "It's okay. You're okay, honey, you're okay," she muttered senseless, constant encouragement as she tightly held the girl, rocking her gently.
Erin sobbed into the warm fabric of her robe, her tears leaking into her shoulder. She gripped part of the fuzzy cloak, her hands clutching the material for dear life. Olivia was her present lifeline.
She continued hushing the troubled and traumatized teen, running her fingers through her hair, lightly scratching her back with her fingernails, her chin on the top of Erin's head protectively. "It'll be all right."
After a few more minutes of calming and crying, the pair had naturally shifted to Erin's head lying on the lap on the older woman. On a normal day she'd be embarrassed and possibly even uncomfortable with the prospect of her vulnerability reducing her to nothing more than a child, but she knew that this wasn't a normal day. And even though her head was telling her to be humiliated at this, her heart told her to let it go. However, her brain wasn't completely useless. It reminded her than some people might have better things to do than sit there and console her all night. Olivia might actually like to sleep.
"You can go to bed if you want," Erin said in a mousy voice.
Olivia looked down at her and couldn't help notice how she looked. She looked so young, her head resting on her leg, her doe-like eyes looking up at her almost apologetically. And yet she looked so old. Aged. There were dark circles under her eyes, a dull, beat-down look on her face.
"Is that what you want? Because if not I'll stay. And I promise that it makes no difference to me," she said, indirectly telling her not to make the decision on the account of her comfort. Right now it wasn't about her.
"Yeah, we all need rest."
"You sure?"
"Yeah," she replied unconvincingly.
"All right then," she stood up, patting the girl's shoulder as she did. She went to grab some blankets from the ground, some that had been flung during the night terror, having second thoughts as she reached down to retrieve them. "You know you could come sleep in my bed if you want," she suggested. "Might make you feel better if there was someone around."
"No. That's okay. I mean, I couldn't ask you to-"
"Yes," Olivia stopped her, nodding profusely. "Yes you could."
Erin bit her lip. She trusted Olivia. She obviously did. But the instincts from her earlier life held her back. The whole premise of independence and maturity and growing up kept her from allowing herself to be taken care of. But it was late, and she'd been submitting to a lot of nurturing lately, and before she could change her mind, she blurted out an "okay," quickly tacking on an, "if you're sure."
"I'm sure," Olivia reassured. "Let's go, babe," she helped her up, leading her to her room. "Climb on in," she pulled the covers back, placing her hand on her back, giving the girl a little push. She was obviously questioning her snap decision, eying the bed with uncertainty. "Relax," she said, laughing a little at discomfort at the small gesture of comfort, moving to tucking the girl in.
"Are you sure you want me in here? What if I have another nightmare?" Erin asked apprehensively, worry etched into her forehead.
"Then you'll be right here and I won't have to walk as far. See, it's not a burden. This is saving me a lot of unnecessary movement in the grand scheme of things."
"I don't want you to keep waking up on account of me. You don't have to come to the rescue every time. I'll wake up eventually. And I can shut the door. If you're lucky you won't always get woken up."
"I know that I don't have to come every time. I want to. You know better than to think that I'd rather sleep than help you stop suffering from a bad dream. And if you don't, well then either I'm doing a really bad job showing you that I'm not ever going to give up on you, or you're a very slow learner," she explained, a sternness to her voice to let her know she meant what she said. "And I'm pretty sure it's not the latter unless you did a fantastic job of fudging your transcripts to get into your fancy private school," she added in a joke to lighten the mood.
"Look," she said after noticing the girl's still distressed expression. "I'm not going anywhere," she continued, her voice returning to a soothing whisper. "You're like a daughter to me. No, you are a part of this family, in every way that counts. And families don't let each other suffer alone."
Erin nodded and allowing this to sink in. She wanted so badly to believe it. And while her head may still have trouble grasping at and griping the concept of sacrificing for family, hell, for being part of a true family, her heart told her to believe it. And in her heart she did.
"I love you, Olivia," she said, her voice grainy and tight, tears pricking at her eyes for a reason other than sadness.
Olivia's heart was in a state of shock and overwhelming joy at the momentous, milestone occasion. "I love you too, honey, I love you too," she smiled, tears bubbling under her eyes as well. She smoothed Erin's hair back and pulled the covers up around her before walking around to the other side of the bed and lifting herself in it, tugging the covers to her chin as well.
"Night," Olivia whispered, flicking her bedside lamp off and gently running her fingers through the girl's hair lying beside her. Finally, she closed her eyes, falling asleep to the peaceful sound of Erin's dozes.
Author's note 1: I suck at updating. We all realize this. I really am working on it, cross my heart. But hey, this is a pretty lengthy update, if I do say so myself. (God knows how long it took to write this sucker!) So…maybe you can find it in your beautiful hearts to forgive me?
Author's note 2: I feel like death is a hard topic to write about because everybody deals with it differently. Erin's situation is very, very loosely 'based' (I don't even want to say based, I suppose it's just sort of similar) to something I've been through. I know everyone doesn't grieve the same way, and so I'm very sorry if you don't feel like this a realistic reaction to an event like this, but for the sake of the story, this is just how I'm having the character deal with it. So please don't be offended if you don't agree. Also, please don't throw tomatoes at me if you don't agree. I'm very sensitive to people flinging fruits.
Author's note 3: Sorry for grammar errors. It was very, very, late when I finished and proofread this. Please point them out so I can change them. But again, no chucking tomatoes, capiche?
Author's note 4: Reviews would make me feel happy, reassure me you're still interested and reading, and make me feel better, because I'm a little insecure about this chapter still. Okay? Okay. Thanks for all the feedback so far! Keep it up, please! Peace! Love you! =)
