"You still look like hell." I commented once Cameron and I were outside. "Are you intact enough to drive?"
"Yes," she nodded and took the keys when I held them out. I expected her to keep walking but she stopped in front of me. "You look like hell too. Are you intact?"
I blinked at her, not sure if she was yanking my chain or being serious. It had been a while since we had exchanged words. As usual the expression on her stoic face revealed nothing. Finally, I just shook my head and walked to the passenger door. I found my gun under the seat. It felt good when I slid it behind my back. I retrieved the sealed bottle of tequila I'd bought on my way to Weaver's.
I gave Cameron directions to the safe-house before settling into the passenger seat. The tequila burned the back of my throat as I chugged the liquid. It was a sweet, familiar pain. I kept drinking until the fog set in. I should have known better. Tequila on an empty, already upset stomach mixed with a fast ride on a pothole littered road was a recipe for disaster.
"Pull over."
"We have not reached our destination."
"Pull. Over. NOW!" I shouted the last part as the alcohol and bile scorched my esophagus. I flung the door open while we were still moving. I didn't even make it out of my seat for the first round. I just leaned over and hurled.
When I felt strong enough I stepped out of the truck. I probably made it about three feet before the heaves struck again. I sank to my knees in the dirt and gravel. The last couple hours in Weaver's room on an endless loop inside my pounding head.
Cameron's boots crunched over the loose stones and scattered debris as she made her way toward me a few minutes later. She must have rummaged through the back of the SUV. She held a half full jug of water out to me. "You need to rehydrate."
"You need to leave me the hell alone." I grumbled. My whole body shaking. My stomach seized again. I had nothing left. I coughed and sputtered before the weakness won and I wound up slumped against the rear tire.
The sun wasn't yet up. The moon and provided the only light on the lonely road. It's silvery glow glinting off the exposed metal of Cameron's face. Everything inside me rebelled.
Metal, metal everywhere and not a way to melt or kill it. I drew my gun. My first instinct to shoot her. The next to preserve her. John needed her. Could I live with that?
No.
The Glock cocked, I brought it halfway to my temple before Cameron's fingers wrapped firmly around my wrist. Her other hand quickly relieved me of the gun entirely. She tucked it in the back of her waistband without a word.
"Worthless metal bitch." I jeered as I jerked my arm from her grasp. It took some effort but I managed to stand. "Don't ever touch me again."
"It is good to see you again too, Sarah."
I was torn between a scowl and a smirk. Her sense of humor had always caught me unaware and put me off balance. "I guess you're not as fucked up as you look."
She nodded. "My physical appearance does not reflect the state of my chip." She tilted her head until I was only able to see her human eye. "I guess you are more fucked up than you look."
"Go to hell." There wasn't much force behind the words. I was using what little reserves I had left just to stay on my feet. I leaned most of my weight against the passenger door. My head tilted toward the moon. "I just fucked a disgusting killer cyborg from the future. You should have let me pull the trigger."
"Suicide is a weak act, Sarah. You are far from weak. May I have permission to speak freely?"
I stared at her for a minute. The damn machine girl was impossible to read. I gave up and went back to watching clouds obscure the moon. "You always say whatever you want. Why ask permission now?"
"Back in the room, you said no questions and no comments about what had transpired between you and the disgusting killer cyborg from the future."
I almost laughed. Hearing the words from her lips was almost an act of sacrilege. I took a deep breath and met her gaze. "I'm losing John. Hell, I may have already lost him. You're pretty much my last hope. Carte blanche, Cameron. Say anything you want."
She looked around slowly. Her nostrils flaring as she breathed deeply. "The air quality appears the same as the data stored on my chip. Weaver's hotel appeared to be in good condition. As does the vehicle you've acquired. I gather Judgment Day has not happened. How long was I offline?"
"Just a few months." I pointed to the water jug at her feet. "Pass me that."
She picked it up and handed it to me. "If I was only gone a few months how could you be losing John? The last time I was online he had me walk into an impossible situation to break you out of jail. John loves you. He would risk anything for you."
I finished swallowing the water in my mouth and stared at her incredulously. "Yeah, well..." I blinked back tears. "He did risk everything for you."
"Please explain."
"What did you think would happen after you made that dumbass move and gave your chip to John Henry?"
Her lips thinned and her eye closed. Her fists clenched at her sides. She seemed genuinely surprised. "John came after me?"
"Give the cyborg a cigar."
"Why would I want a cigar? You know I don't smoke."
"It's an epress-" I started to explode at her. The stopped myself. I sighed and did my best to reign in my temper. "Yes, he disregarded damn near everything I ever taught him and he followed you."
"I am sorry, Sarah. My programming advised there was only a 30 percent chance John would come after me. I thought the possibility was even lower because I was certain you would not allow it. Did something happen to you to prevent you from stopping him?"
How do you say out loud the words you're too afraid to even think? I turned my back on her. I caught a glimpse of myself in the side mirror. A crazed, wild eyed brunette caught in the permanent state of fight or flight stared back at me. My fist shot out seemingly with its own agenda. The mirror broke and at least one of my fingers did too. A half inch shard of jagged glass embedded between my knuckles.
An explosion of pain rocked me off my feet. The dam no longer held. Countless unshed tears spilled over. My body convulsing with the force of the sobs.
88888888
The rising sun did little to clear the haze in my head. Somewhere along the way Cameron gotten me back inside the truck. Her terminator senses or blind luck leading her to a rusted out, abandoned storage shed in the middle of nowhere. She got out to snap the lock off and easily raised the dented metal door. A minute later we were parked inside.
A painful sense of déjà vu sank in as she rinsed my hand with what remained in the water jug. Then a fiery ache when she poured tequila over the wound. She fished through the first aid kit for the tools she would need.
I watched her closely as she threaded the needle. The last time she stitched me up in an empty building like this I'd broken down and confessed my fear of losing John. This time, I feared I had already lost him. I took a healthy gulp from the bottle of liquor.
"John is devastated. The things he experienced in the future would have completely broken a lesser man. What happened to you while you were there?"
"The last thing I remember is John Henry cutting into my scalp to remove my chip. All of my functions and commands had to go into hibernation in order to make room for his."
"Did you know that was going to happen?"
"I knew it was a possibility. To my knowledge nothing like that had ever been attempted. John Henry convinced me it was a necessary risk. I did it for John. For you. To some degree for Derek, Charley, and Riley too. I did what you would have done. I willingly sacrificed myself to save you and John and to make the other's deaths not be in vain. I tried to right the tortoise."
I think she said that last bit on purpose to distract me as she forcefully reset my ring finger.
"Son of a bitch! A little warning next time. That might be good."
"Last one." She smiled almost apologetically before putting my middle finger back in line. "If you do not reinjure them you should heal in just a few weeks."
"What the hell did you mean about the tortoise?"
"In the desert when you got sick on the side of the road, you were barely conscious. You were seriously ill, dehydrated, and severely weakened. A small tortoise was flailing on it's back. It would have died if not for you reaching over and flipping it right side up. The tortoise was not significant to our mission. I thought it's death would have been meaningless. Your actions taught me empathy. All life has meaning. You and John have taught me many things."
"Do you love my son?"
The needle went much deeper than she had probably intended. I hissed a string of curses as stars danced in front of my eyes. Was her clumsiness a side effect of all the damage she'd received while rescuing me from jail or genuine shock at my question?
She didn't reply. She applied the remaining sutures and bandaged me. Her attention focused solely on the hand. Her delicate touch in direct contrast to the metal and electrical currents under her skin.
"Answer me." I ordered when my breathing was back under control.
"It's complicated."
"Don't fuck with me, girlie. Uncomplicate it."
For a moment her gaze settled on the bottle beside me. "Does that help?"
My eyebrow arched. "What do you mean?"
"At times people seem to draw courage or strength from it. Does it really help?"
"Sometimes." I took another drink before passing it to her. "I doubt it'll do much for the wires and whatnots inside you. But feel free to experiment."
She took a big gulp. Her face scrunched up for a second before she spit it back out. "It is horrible."
"Yeah," I chuckled at that. I hadn't even known she was capable of distinguishing between tastes. "So give it back."
"Wait." She pulled it away when I reached for it. She put a serious look on her face and took a small sip. "Is this what the expression, 'it's an acquired taste' refers to."
"That actually refers to a lot of things, but yeah, you're on the right track. Now, quit stalling and answer me. Weaver says she's evolving. Claims she knows what love is. Do you?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to need to you to elaborate. I know you know the meaning. What I mean is, can you, are you capable of feeling it?"
"I have many feelings, Sarah. I wouldn't be of any use to you or John if I didn't."
"Okay," I swallowed past a lump in my throat. "And do you love John?"
"Yes."
Somehow the world kept spinning. I continued to draw breath despite the fact that it felt like I'd just taken a punch to the solar plexus.
"And no."
First Weaver, now Cameron. Each of the metal bitches jerking me around like a marionette. I stood up quickly. The room tipped. Or more likely my balance did. I clutched the door until I managed to steady myself.
She took a step toward me and I sidestepped. Then got behind her and shoved her with everything I had left. She didn't resist. She collided face first with the rear door. I jerked my gun from the back of her pants and pressed it against her head. "No more fucking games. Which is it?"
"In the future where I come from the answer would be yes. I love John. I am in love with him."
I was too stunned to move or protest when she turned around and reclaimed my gun. "In the future I am in love with John. I believe he loves me. Yet he fights it. He is in his forties. I am a terminator. Technically I don't have an age. However, I am designed after a teenage resistance fighter named Allison. He cared for her a great deal. She's dead. I killed her. That was before he reprogrammed me. He knows I am not her and still he sometimes confuses me with her. Those are the times when he pushes me away. Other times he welcomes me. The guilt he feels for loving me tears him apart. I believe that is why he chose to send me back to protect him and you."
I backed away until I met a wall. Then I just slid down it. My knees drawn up and my head cradled in my hands. Everything I believed in was inside out or upside down. Weaver's return with John and essentially Cameron had somehow done so much more harm than good.
"I was also torn." She continued. "I did not want to leave him. I wanted to protect him and continue to be with him. Though I do admit I thought the love would grow stronger in the past. This John would know I am a terminator of course but he would not know I killed someone close to him. The age gap would also not be an issue. I just didn't realize Present John would be so different."
I couldn't fathom how my John and her John could differ so much. Yet I believed her. Derek had said similar things. In his own way, just as Kyle described a future me who was vastly different than my teenage self, when Kyle had spoke in awe of John as the unflinching leader of the resistance he'd been saying it too. So had Weaver. My John had a lot of growing up to do.
It's the end of the world as we know it. And I don't feel fine. "So my John is different. Your little stunt that jumped us forward didn't help much. You can't expect a seventeen year old to know everything and behave like a battle scarred man." I whispered. I'd raised my head just enough so I could make eye contact.
"Yes," she nodded. "I am learning. Thanks to you I learn new things about him every day. I see parts of Future John in you. It is clear where he gets his strength of character. You have much left to teach him, which is why I made the decision to jump over your death. John was not ready to lose you. You give everything for him. He gives everything for the Resistance."
I decided to rip the metaphorical band aid off. Chances are I wouldn't want to venture down this conversation path ever again. "You said the answer was yes and no when I asked if you loved John. What's the no part?"
"I thought teenage John would love teenage me. Then we would, as the saying goes, live happily ever after. I was wrong."
Much as it pained me to admit it she wasn't wrong. I told her so as I remembered how she'd gone back to her Skynet directives after the jeep explosion. She'd almost killed him and me both. He still trusted her and loved her enough to risk reinserting her chip. Then months later, the look in his eyes when he was half pleading and half explaining his decision to go to the future with Weaver. I couldn't deny it. "He does love you. What's the problem?"
"At this moment I love him. I would do anything to protect him."
I stood on shaky legs and took a moment to collect myself. When I was steady I made a beeline for Cameron. I jabbed her chest with the finger of my good hand. "What the hell is your problem? Why did you say you didn't love him?"
"John is half the man he will one day become. As odd as it sounds you are the other half. I love you too."
The fact that my finger was still pressed against her sternum revolted me. My stomach lurched. I backed away quickly. The last remnants of tequila coming back up like lava from a volcano. I remained doubled over and clutched at my stomach.
"I think you misunderstood me." she said quietly after a while. She was smart enough not to come any closer. "I am not 'in love' with you. I love you for being John's hero and for helping to save mankind. I love you for all the sacrifices you've made along the way, especially what you just did with Weaver. I know what that had to have done to you. There is not a single thing you would not do for John. I feel the same about Future John. The boy here and now is not the same."
John had given up everything he knew for this cold, hard machine. He was a shell of his former self. Touch and go didn't begin to explain his emotional and mental state. The pendulum of sanity could go either way with him. The tiniest nudge could send him freefalling in either direction.
My anger gave me strength. I stood up and faced her head on. "He was man enough to go to the future to save your sorry ass. You wouldn't be here right now making me want to choke you to death if it wasn't for him."
"There is the fire." Her smile was one of admiration. I envy you and all the other humans who are capable of it. It is something Weaver and I will never obtain. You have it. John is getting it. He just needs more time. You and I will help make sure he stays alive long enough to achieve it. We will help him become the Future John he needs to be to lead the Resistance and save this world. I will right the tortoise. I will make sacrifices just as you have done. If John wants a lover I will-"
"Whoa, whoa. Stop right there. You don't need to spell it all out for me. I never ever want to know any details. You just do what it takes to keep him from swallowing a bullet. Protect him. Keep him from becoming me."
More to come
Sincere thanks for all comments, favs, follows, etc. PMs are also fantabulous.
This chapter was almost as hard as the dubcon scene. (Thanks Figgy for teaching me that reference. Never heard of it til your review.)
Special thanks to CBLG and Crimes for encouraging me to rewrite the f'd up last part of this chapter. I'm more comfortable with it now. I hope you are too.
Happy almost birthday to Crimes!
Happy holidays to all :)
