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December, the 7th


Kathryn looked around. She was in a dimly lit apartment, which was cluttered with half-packed boxes. Kathryn turned white.

"No, not this Christmas. Please."

"I'm sorry, Kathryn," Kirk said sympathetically.

Kathryn walked to the half-empty book shelf; there was a well-known image with a black ribbon.

"Daddy," she whispered as she was retracing the contours of the familiar face behind the glass. From the moment she and Kirk appeared in this small apartment, everything was present again. The grief, despair and anger that had followed the death of her father. Kathryn remembered well how that year, every single "Merry Christmas" seemed to her like a pure mockery. How could there ever be a merry Christmas again when her beloved father was dead?

"But there had been merry Christmases again," Kirk said, as if he could read her mind and took her in his arms. And probably only because of Christmas Kathryn forgot that she was a strong and proud captain and acquiesced in the almost paternal embrace for a moment.

"I know," she said softly and broke away from Kirk's arms slowly. "But she doesn't."

Kathryn's younger self had just entered the room and Kathryn watched her dismayed. She looked so sad, tired and haggard. Her hair was tied to a messy ponytail and the way her black dress fluttered around her, betrayed that she had lost considerable weight. Kathryn almost wanted to hug herself, just as Kirk had done with her a few moments ago.

"Let her be," Kirk said quietly. "She has to go through this valley to get back up."

"I buried myself in work," recalled Kathryn. "There was so much to settle, the estate of my father, the funeral – Mom and Phoebe were so helpless."

"You, however, took charge of everything," Kirk said, pointing to the boxes, "made decisions. Always according to what you thought would be best for all. No matter if they agreed to it or not."

The buzzer went and the younger Kathryn opened the door.

"Phoebe! Did you come to help me packing?"

"I have come to help you unpacking!" The younger Janeway sister replied energetically.

Kathryn's eyes narrowed. "My decision is made up."

"Is it? And when had you deigned to tell us about that decision?" Phoebe asked sharply. "Tell me Kathryn, have you completely lost your mind that you want to give up your career in Starfleet?"

"But how can I proceed now, after Daddy died? How could I do that to you or Mum?"

"Heaven, Kath," Phoebe rolled her eyes. "You and your absolute insanely twisted sense of duty. If you put to give up your career in Starfleet because you're tired of space – well that would be okay. I'd honestly understand that. But giving up the dream of your life, just because of an absurd sense of duty to your mother and your sister, Kath, that's just stupid. You worked so hard and achieved so much already. You cannot just throw that away. "

"Of course I can." Kathryn stretched out her chin.

"Of course she can," Phoebe rubbed her forehead. "Sometimes you're more stubborn than a Klingon."

"I know what I'm owing to Mum," continued Kathryn, obdurately.

"You owe her fucking nothing," exploded Phoebe.

"But..."

"No, you're not. You owe nothing to mum, nothing to me and nothing to dad. The only one you owe everything to is yourself. This is about your life, Kath, all alone your life. "

"But Mum ..."

"What do think, who sent me here after one of Daddy's old colleagues told her about your renouncement? And do you really believe we want to spend our future life with a Kathryn Janeway, who wallows in her heroic duty to her family? No thanks, we don't! You may think that you're the only one grieving for Daddy. And that it's going to better with your sacrifice. But giving up your life won't help a bit. You are not born to be happy with an office job. You are born to fly out there." Phoebe had pulled the weakly protesting Kathryn to the window. "That's you, Kath," she said softly. "Just like Daddy. Don't give it up, not for our sake. Please."

"I do not know, Phoebe."

Phoebe hugged her older sister. "Come home, Kathy, come to rest over the holidays. And if you still think you should leave the fleet in the new year, then we'll see."

"You reconsidered your decision," Kirk said to Captain Janeway.

"I did," Kathryn nodded. "But was it a good decision? Now my mother has lost me, too."

"We shall see," said Kirk, "How the Ferengi say, 'it's billed at the end'."