"No one saves ourselves but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." -Buddha
Song Suggestion: Flickers by Son Lux
Chapter Seven: Guns and Revenge
Four doesn't say a word, but we all know to follow. We even have learned to keep quiet, to not question what is happening or the destination that Four is taking us to in a rushed and urgent speed.
"We are starting on guns this afternoon, listen to the safety rules well because you won't have them repeated to you again." We reach a set of stairs and make our descent in the usual Dauntless fashion- by running. Four comes to a stop only when we make it to the roof. I know it is a different one than where we arrived after the Choosing Ceremony; there is no way to reach the train from here.
Instead the space is used as a shooting range, a set up of guns and targets are waiting for us.
Not only are the safety rules said once, they are said quickly and less in the form of rules and more of a "this is how you don't kill yourself and others" kind of format.
I focus on each tip and piece of information Four shares, guns aren't Amity and that is why I need to make sure I'm not utterly pathetic at it. Even when I didn't have the judging eyes of Eric hovering behind me, I can still hear the sound of him scoffing at me- as if I wasn't even worth calling pathetic, from the first day of fighting. I want guns to be different.
Endless and sleepless nights clump together one after another- seemingly pointless. I spent my days learning and harvesting until my body was burnt out in exhaustion. Not enough food, I thought it would be better to starve then allow myself to be manipulating into happiness, I would starve if it means they couldn't sedate me.
But why take part in extra exercise? Why read subjects someone in Amity would never need? It was for a similar golden goal that stood at the end of the dark and lengthy hallway.
To encompass the goal meant to let go of the past and the ugly memories that were plaguing my thoughts and haunting my dreams- eating away at the cotton candy clouds and replacing them with twisted nightmares.
I had a goal in mind and I wanted it bad. I needed it. It was worth sneaking out into one of the unused huts and hiding books about fighting under my bed.
To be brave. To be strong.
I cannot be awful at shooting. I have to prove myself. Today I won my fight, and it cost me. Guiana is already bitter about the end results, and with Cleo and Kayla backing her up I know my bloody win made me enemies. I pushed myself- somewhere dark, to a place in my mind I don't like. And it is all worth it if I can just make it past Initiation.
"The first rule to all firearms is to treat them with respect. Don't ever point the barrel at someone unless you plan on shooting them." Four says as he loads a cartridge into a pistol. "I don't care if you have a full chamber or an empty one- you treat the gun as if it is loaded at all times. Safety on when you aren't using it. Never leave your finger on the trigger; some will have a space above the trigger you can leave you index finger but do not leave it on the trigger." I imagine myself accidently pulling the trigger and find it sad how likely I see that happening.
"Is it bad I'm kind of excited?" Willa whispers into my ear from beside me.
I give her a crooked grin and shake my head. "Not at all. I'm excited too, just terrified as well." Willa nods in agreement at that, her brown pony jumping with the sudden movement.
And then I find myself with my fingers curled around the trigger of a gun. "Does it bother you using a gun?" Connie asks me as she loads the barrel of her gun.
I shrug. "Not really, I've seen plenty, Dauntless actually have a lot of interaction with Amity. We don't get along very well when it comes to morals and lifestyles but the two Faction do manage to live in harmony." I say remembering all the times I had spent hours just watching the Dauntless on the fence or how I always volunteered to be the one to ask the Dauntless guards when we needed help unloading trucks. If it weren't for the interaction between Dauntless and Amity at the fence I'd be dead- or resembling it.
What I don't tell her is that not only does it not bother me, but also that it excites me. It's similar to the feeling of electricity shooting up and down my arms, I can't yet imagine shooting someone but the feeling of protection- it makes me feel strong. I know that is weak, to require the need of a gun to feel strong, but I can't help the fire that burns inside my body when I latch onto the firearm.
"Yeah that makes sense," Connie says nodding, she looks like she wants to ask me more about it but fortunately she doesn't.
I also see beyond Connie someone looking at us, Thea; she quickly glances back away from me but I know she was paying attention. She had the expression, it is the look she gets when she wants to ask me something- especially when it has to do with my life in Amity. I can tell the Erudite in her still is fueling her curiosity. An Amity defecting to Dauntless is rare; she wants to dissect my motives. But whenever she gets to intrude I tend to shut off, and know that we have had our fallout she hasn't had any chances to pester me for reasons.
At least one good thing came out of the argument.
"Do you plan on standing there all day, Cal, or are you going to start training?" Four calls over to me and I snap out of my thoughts to focus on the target in front of me.
I prepare myself for the recoil of the shot and center it in for the target. The position feels uncomfortable but I figure I'll get accustomed to it. Pulling the trigger, I find myself handling to kick from the shot but it still flies far from the target.
"Are you going for your target or his?" I scowl at the sound of Eric but don't look back at him, I won't let him get me freaked out, that was my first shot after all.
'Of course he is nowhere to be seen until now.' I think to myself bitterly.
"His." I answer, though get a feeling of dread as soon as the words fall from my lip, immediately regretting it. What have I done?
Footsteps approach from behind me until I can just feel his looming presence over me. "Well try hitting yours." Eric says and I readjust my position to fire and wait for him to leave. When he doesn't I assume he is waiting for me to shoot. I try to aim more to the right since the last one went far left and pull the trigger. Only this time it goes far right. The distraction of Eric causing me to not prepare for the recoil, my hands jerk to the side with the shot and I near hit myself in the face.
So much for proving myself.
"You are never going to hit it like that, your stance is all wrong." Eric says and I twist my head to see him demonstrate a proper stance but instead feel his hands reach out to my arms and move them into a new position. My body freezes up in shock and horror. My heart races as I plant myself to where I stand, I won't run away, I won't, no matter how much I really want to right now. The electric feeling of someone unfamiliar touching me has adrenaline pumping like lead through my blood.
"Now try shooting." His voice is too close. His smell is too close, not that he smelt bad but knowing whom the smell belonged to and how it clouded around me made bile rise up my throat. I swallow it down and block at the pressure from his hand holding me in the proper position.
I squeeze on the trigger and the shot fires into the second outer ring. Even with my rigid stance the recoil pushes me back, back into him. He doesn't react to my movement but everywhere we made contact feels numb.
"Good job, Choker." This time it is a whisper, and I can feel his breath on my exposed neck. I can't help but shiver at the sensation, not even able to be pleased at hitting the target.
My heart sinks into the deepest pit of my chest as he finally releases me. I want to hide- to live out the feeling of dread going on in my head. My entire body feels numb. It is the closest I've been to another person that isn't my mother in years and I didn't run away. Part of me finds success in that, another is angry it was Eric I had to be so close to.
I continue shooting with the stance Eric set me in and find myself consistently hitting the target, and just once or twice hitting the center circle. Almost by accident rather than deliberately but I'll take it. Firing guns doesn't have to be my forte- but I have to be good enough to pass.
By the end of training my arms are sore, stretching them to be straight hurts and they naturally fall back into a curled position. My entire body burns as well, the activity requiring more energy than I ever imagined. Not only does my body feel sore, but my mind as well. From the pressure of tension among my fellow Initiates, the incident of Eric, and the concentration required to maintain a consistent shot; my mind is melted.
Surprisingly the best shooter is Ash, his size helps him keep stable with the recoil of the gun. His natural eye for aim keeping him consistently hitting the target- if not the inner circles. While some of us might have achieved a nice level of accuracy, Ash has already achieved a level of precision. Willa wasn't too bad either- despite the gun being almost her size.
Even after training, my head doesn't seem to clear, the fog clogging up my thoughts for dinner, my mind unable to even attempt at listening to Willa's words. I don't like ignoring her but I can't help it. I'm not hungry- I can't even look at the chocolate cake. And by the time we are heading back to the room I begin to understand why my mind refuses to think straight.
I'm falling into old habits. After escaping that floating sensation, the feeling of not belonging to my own body, that I seemed to never escape back in Amity- and definitely not after the incident. Once arriving here I finally felt free from that, and after all that I'm relapsing into it once more. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me and every second I think about it or think about reality it is like my mind is being jerked back in and it doesn't feel right.
But I know I'm overacting, my mind is tired and recent events haven't helped. As everyone heads out to the Pit or to bed, I decide on my first shower with another human being. It is just Willa, but still.
We undress in silence and immediately begin washing off the grim from the day, it wasn't that I was uncomfortable with her; it was being uncomfortable with my body and my fear of anyone being able to walk in at any moment. We shower in silence and I cherish the peace in being quiet.
After we finish and wrap ourselves in towels, we are about to leave when I hear hushed whispering. I reach out my arm to stop Willa from leaving and place my finger to my lips to signal her to keep silent. I know who is talking.
"I did it." I hear Cleo say from outside the bathroom, her and her friend's beds being the closest to the bathroom made listening in easy. It wasn't right and a little silly to assume whatever they were discussing would be interesting but I've been hoping to understand what I saw the night previous ever since it happened. The image of her and Eric kissing refusing to leave me alone.
"What was it like?" Kayla says in a hazy voice, if they are talking about what I think they are then her reaction is no surprise, half the reason the girl defected was to be with "dangerous" Dauntless men. Personally I find that one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. It is one thing to appreciate the style of men- another to completely leave your life behind for it.
"Wait…" Cleo's voice sounds closer and before I have the time to process it she is around the corner and staring at Willa and I. I shift uncomfortably in my towel and stare with wide eyes at her. There is no use pretending we didn't hear that. Then again I'm not even supposed to understand the context of the conversation, I try and replicate the confused look Willa has. "What are you two doing? Are you listening to us?"
"We were showering and about to leave." I say and attempt to move past her but Kayla and Guiana's approach blocks off my exit. "Excuse me." I say to them and try stepping around the two. Kayla holds her arm out to create a barrier and Guiana steps forward. I don't understand what they could do; fighting had been establish as only acceptable during training.
But I understand very clear what they mean to do when Guiana tugs on my towel. "And I believe this is my towel." She says as I latch onto it for dear life. Willa moves forward to do something but Cleo holds her back. "Listening to our conversations and stealing my towel? Wow Amity."
"Screw off." I grunt as I rip her grip away, only for her to grab at the towel once more and have it fall away from my body. Jumping back and covering myself I feel my cheeks flame.
"Aw, what's wrong Amity? Afraid someone might see you?" Cleo says in a mocking tone as she pulls my arm forward and pushes me out into the room. "Think about that before you eavesdrop again." I stumble forward, happy for the darkness of the room though knowing people must see me or at least have heard what happened, which is bad enough. I stumble forward to my bed and quickly dress in the first things I find. I hear Willa behind me and Connie speaking, I didn't even know she was awake still. She is yelling behind me but I don't look back.
They didn't do that because I was listening to them, or annoyed them, they did it because I beat Guiana. I beat her and made it bloody, I embarrassed her so they embarrass me. Their failure to do anything to Willa made that clear.
I leave the room without another word, barely remembering shoes on the way out. They wanted to embarrass me and they did, I let them. Maybe I couldn't have stopped it from happening but I didn't have to let it affect me.
After my first day here, I learned of another way up to the roof. I quickly find myself on the path, climbing the stairs in quick strides. Part of me hopes for the familiar sight of sun when I reach the roof, but it is already night. Thunder shakes the staircase as I climb.
Opening the door to the outside, I'm pleased to see it isn't raining, though a storm is definitely approaching. The sound of thunder and the appearance of ominous clouds and lightning give that much away.
I sit on the dusty ground and bring my knees close up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them to squeeze myself together. I stare out to the City, silent. My mind spinning and flying in circles around my body, suddenly it is like I can't even remember how I felt being exposed- just how I felt knowing I let them get to me.
Part of me wonders how anyone could be so vengeful or bitter, but I know better than to believe the lies Amity fed to me. People are not good. And sometimes they are worse than "not good", sometimes they are just plan old mean.
"Hey." I quickly spin my head around to the voice, hearing the door shut after Jayce. He has a container in his hand and an unsteady walk. He must be drunk. Recalling who didn't go out, I remember him and Samuel leaving for the Pit far before I showered, he not being in the room means he shouldn't know what happened.
"Hello." I respond, staring back to the landscape. Jayce was strange, top of the transfers but constantly gone through the night drinking or gambling. The morning seemed to bring him a groggy spell but never really hung-over. He was silent, not joking like Samuel or kind like Lucas. He wasn't mean either, sometimes I wonder if he even cares. He was rebellious, one of those still talking back or making small comments under his breath. Why I'm not sure.
I hear him sit down next to me and look over to see him staring off to the city. He reeks of whiskey, but somehow not in disgustingly. "Saw you coming out of the initiate room pretty fast, when I came in some people were arguing so I figured you'd run off to get some air."
"So you followed me?" It comes out harsher than intended, but he doesn't seem insulted by the tone. Of course no, the boy isn't bothered by anything.
"Yeah."
I glance back out to the city, surprised by his answer. Usually people don't admit to following someone so easily. He definitely doesn't seem to be here to comfort me. "It was stupid- what happened."
"Figured, something with Cleo and her goons?" I nod to his question. "She's just getting revenge for Guiana. Vengeful bitch, what did she do?"
I'm silent for a few moments, and don't feel like explaining why what she did was such a big deal. "Stole my towel."
"Oh." Jayce nods once before I catch his attention finally pull from the city to my direction; I match his stare as he speaks, "Did it embarrass you?"
I look at him funny for a moment before giving a saddened laugh. "Yeah." At first I was going to say something, make sure he didn't give me pity. I didn't want it, because that would just make me feel weak, but he didn't give it to me anyway.
"You shouldn't let it."
"I can't change it now."
He shakes his head. "Of course not, but you can make her regret it." I raise my eyebrows at him, curious to see what he has to say about that plan. "Do what her and all her goons won't do- make cuts." Jayce doesn't present it like an inspirational speech or something to lift me, and I'm glad for that, his lax attitude unchanging, he says it in a matter of fact fashion.
"You're strange." I mutter.
He doesn't respond, instead we sit there, the only sound being the roar of thunder and the sloshing of liquid when Jayce takes a swig from his bottle. As the storms approach in the dark sky closer to the Dauntless Compound, a drizzle begins to land on the roof. I sigh but get to my feet, wiping off the dust from my leggings. "Leaving?" Jayce asks me, looking up to me and uninterested as always.
I nod, looking up to the sky. "It's raining, aren't you?" He shakes his head and I decide to not pester him about being out in the rain. I know my nagging won't make a difference to him. Besides, he has done something kind for me; he has given me a plan. Before I leave I turn back to him. "Thank you, for what you said."
He turns around to face me, his blonde hair beginning to matt to his head in wet strands. He's attractive, his carefree attitude and talent something I could already notice making girls stare at him. "What did I say?"
"To make cuts." I say, unsure if he really has forgotten or why he bothered asking.
"Oh."
I leave Jayce out on the roof like that; uninterested, drunk, and in the rain. Taking the stairs two a time, I pass the Pit and its current partying occupants and make my way to the training room. Never before have I gone in after being dismissed but I assume it is open.
Luckily it is, and I don't leave disappointed. I'm not ready to go back and now I have things to do. Even though I know Willa and Connie must be looking for me by now. Selfishness keeps me to my plans. I jog, go through my warm-up and repeat the process. I do everything and repeat anything I struggle in and do it a couple dozen more times. I do it until sweat drips down the sides of my freshly cleaned skin.
An entire army could be in the room and I wouldn't notice, I lock into the way my body moves and shifts and how it feels. I memorize the feeling of a strong punch and distract myself from the burning sensation in my muscles when they get sore. My limbs stiffen and I stretch them out, not refusing to stop until I feel ready for another shower.
Backing away from the punching bag in front of me, I feel tears trail down my cheeks and integrate into the beads of sweat. I don't make a sound to indicate my cries, but instead allow my eyes to bunch up and let the tears flow.
When I find my eyes finally dried out, I leave. The extra exercising pushing me over the edge as the sore feeling in my muscles show in even the simple act of walking back to the Initiate room.
It is dark when I enter; I head straight to the shower and strip down. Washing the sweat from the work out off my body, I don't hesitate to get dressed again. My mind is racing and clouded, and my limbs numb.
Falling into bed afterwards, the soft sound of rustling begins in Willa's bed.
"Where have you been?" The hushed whisper from the bed next to mine reaches me in my sleepy state.
Sitting up to glance at Willa, I see her unharmed, all except the worried expression she wears. I shrug half-hearted. "Sorry, I needed some air." I whisper back. She nods and I can tell even in the lack of lighting that she wants to push for more but instead sighs.
"Connie yelled at Connie for what she did." Willa says.
I glance at Connie's sleeping figure; I'll have to thank her. "Thank you." I say and fall backwards into bed.
"Of course" I hear Willa whisper as her sheets ruffle with movement, and then silence.
-0-
A/N- Apologies about the week with not updates, it has been a busy week for me but I'm excited to get back into this story. I also appreciate how many people are starting to follow/favorite/review this story, thank you so much!
Anyway things are going to be getting a bit more exciting, I want this story to have conflict. I despise when stories, often non-canon or OC pairing stories put plot and story back burner to the relationship. Like obviously most people are reading this to see Eric paired with an OC, but who would want to read some story where all that happens is some Amity transfers, Eric is mean and she doesn't like him but then they fall in love! Then they have romance and she goes through Initiation and that's it. That's boring; I want the pairing and story to be like Ying and Yang! Sorry I'm rambling; I'm just ranting a bit. I just hate when good stories just are lacking in build up or conflict and especially when they decide at the very end like "lol I guess I have to have a climax or something." And throw in some random conflict that had no build up at all and pretty much makes no sense. Ugh, anyway thanks for reading again!
