Of Things You Can't Control

(even though your name has "control" in it) **


(**see Author's Notes at the end!)


Chapter 6: Emotions


Katsumi bolted into a sitting position. That movement caused several things to happen. First, there was a sharp pain that ran from her left foot all the way into her leg. Then, it seemed as if her head was about to explode, as another pain rushed through her nervous system. She panted breathlessly. Her skin felt as if it was on fire, yet there were no flames. Her lungs were yearning for air. Her heart kept thumping hard against her ribcage, it was almost painful.

She couldn't breathe.

Gasping for air, she put both hands around her throat in a failing attempt to calm herself from an uprising panic. It wouldn't do. No air. She choked hysterically. No… air. Can't… breathe. She opened her mouth wide to inhale as deeply as she could, yet no air was reaching her lungs. Stars began to flicker in front of her eyes. It was so hot. So… hot. She was burning. Her skin was tingling horribly. Her heart was racing so fast she half expected it to jump out of her chest at any moment.

Her eyes were watering. She felt so hot. So airless. So breathless. So close to hysteria.

She gasped again.

Suddenly there were two hands on her arms. She couldn't see. She hadn't been able to see ever since she had bolted into a sitting position. She didn't know where she was. She didn't feel anything but the hands and the pain that ran through her body along with the flames burning just beneath her skin. She choked again. The fires were blazing hot. The hands on her skin felt as if they were burning her even more. She couldn't breathe.

Someone winced in pain. It wasn't her.

Then, finally, darkness fell. The pain was gone. The burning remained.


"Katsumi!"

He was shaking her.

It had been in the middle of the night, when Kakashi had heard her scream. It had been a dry scream, almost as if she hadn't been able to breathe properly. When he had left his bedroom to check on her, he had found her sitting on the couch, gasping for air, with her hands on her throat. He had immediately tried to calm her.

Her skin was blazing, the fever had never been worse. She was sweating through the thin layers of her clothes, her hair clinging to her wet forehead. Her eyes had been wide, yet she didn't seem to see anything, not even him, as he had sat down next to her, grabbing her by the upper arms. She didn't react to his touch in any way. She was still choking, it sounded horrible and looked even worse. What was happening to her?

"Katsumi!" His voice sounded unnaturally shrill.

He was shaking her, mildly at first, then more aggressively. His head was spinning. Was she dreaming? Having a nightmare? Hallucinating maybe? What was wrong with her? And most importantly… how could he help her?

He stared at her agonized face. At that exact moment, there seemed to be something flashing inside her wide, glassy eyes. Like a flash of fire, the flicker of a flame. Something red. A second later he could feel what was happening rather than seeing it. He felt it on his hands.

They were burning.

It was the same sensation he had felt seven years ago.

He had once again encountered her inner force-field. It felt like fire. He winced in pain and withdrew his hands immediately, his palms burning horribly, even though the sensation was worse than what the wound really looked like. He tried to ignore the throbbing and watched in shock how Katsumi gasped one last time, before she sank into herself, falling back into the cushions, completely motionless.

He breathed heavily, as he leaned back to take in the situation.

What'd just happened?


He had had no other choice.

That he kept telling himself over and over again as he walked up and down the sterile corridor of the Konoha hospital. After she had collapsed on his couch (her skin cooling down rapidly after that), Kakashi had decided that there was no other way than to get professional help. Even though he had refused to bring her here before.

There had been several reasons for that.

One: No one should know of her current location. He knew that there were still people out there trying to rid the world of the last Torishimari.

Two: He didn't want to bring her into the spotlight. The people of Konoha, even though quite nice and tolerant, were still very suspicious about newcomers, especially the older generations – those who knew of the fate of her clan.

Three: Even though he had had to tell the Hokage and the Elders about Katsumi's being in Konoha, he still didn't trust their intentions entirely. He knew for a fact that the Elders were anxious to know more about her Kekkei Genkai – so with Katsumi hospitalized, it must have been easy for them to get her transported to their secret laboratories. He didn't want her to become their guinea-pig. She had had enough trouble in her young life as it were.

Yet judging by how bad her fever had gotten, Kakashi didn't have another choice but to take her to the medics. She needed help and it would have been way too selfish to hope she would get better with just him taking care of her.

He sighed deeply as he sat down on one of the chairs along the wall.

He had had no other choice…

A door was being opened. Footsteps came closer. Kakashi looked up.

"Hatake-san? Did you bring the red-haired girl in?" A medic with a clipboard approached him.

"Yes, I did. How is she?" He stood up and faced the other man.

"She's sleeping. You said she had a fever before she collapsed and couldn't breathe?"

Kakashi nodded.

"There was no sign of any air way dysfunctions. She's breathing on her own. There were however a few distortions in her chakra flow, maybe that had been the reason for her high temperature. We cleared it. She'll be fine now. We also fixed her ankle."

He exhaled deeply. Relieved.

"By the way, do you know the girl's name?" the medic asked quietly. "You didn't tell us and she doesn't have any records here."

"She's not from here. I found her outside of Konoha and brought her here. I figured she needed help. I…" He looked the other man in the eye, without blinking. "…have no idea who she is."

The medic stared back for a moment, somehow dumbfounded. Then he nodded. "Alright. We'd like to keep her a few more hours for some tests, though. I guess I have to inform the Hokage about this girl being here, right? He…"

"He already knows. She is allowed to stay until she's better" Kakashi replied calmly, still looking at the other man – who blinked.

"Of course…" The medic's voice grew quieter. He looked confused when he finally turned away and left Kakashi – who sighed and closed his left eye again.

He watched until the medic was out of sight before he turned around as well and headed straight towards the second door on the left. Katsumi's room. He opened the door quietly and slipped inside. The lights were all out but for a small lamp on the table beside the bed. The room was tiny, with only the bed, said table and a chair on the other side. At least there was a window opposite the door. He could see his reflection in the black glass. The night outside was moonless.

Kakashi walked towards the bed where Katsumi lay, motionless, pale in the dimness, breathing quietly. She looked peaceful. He sat down on the edge of the bed and placed his hand on her forehead. She felt warm beneath his fingers. Yet not hot anymore. Maybe the distortions in her chakra flow really were causing her fever. It made sense. She hadn't used her bloodline ability in a long time, her body just hadn't been used to it.

So she was fine again. What a relief.

He watched her for a moment, listening to her soft breathing. It was then that he realized that he was screwed. He cared for her. He cared too much. And he shouldn't care. Kakashi remembered the last day and what had happened on the couch. Closing his eye, he shook his head. It had been a mistake. A huge mistake. It had been nice, yes, a nice change, but it had still been wrong. He had no idea whether or not his words had gotten to her. "Maybe we should take it slowly" he had said. Slowly… no, they shouldn't be doing something like that AT ALL.

He didn't even have an excuse for his actions. She had, however, she could blame her fever and delirium for what had happened. But him? He had been fully aware of everything. Had he taken advantage of her and her situation? He should have stopped her earlier. He shouldn't have kissed her, shouldn't have encouraged her, shouldn't have made the first step – wait, she had caressed his skin first. Well, only after he had hugged her to his naked chest.

Basically they were both at fault – but him being the adult, he should have to take the blame. Not only for encouraging her like this, but also for getting so attached to her. For caring too much. Why did he care that much about her? Really, why? She wasn't so special after all. She was just a girl, very normal looking for all he cared. Also, she was a teenager, 15, maybe 16 years old – and it didn't matter that she acted much more mature than that. He sighed and closed his eye. He was screwed. Big time.

What did this make him?

Katsumi groaned in her sleep. Kakashi looked up.

And decided to stop it before it even started. No more thoughts about it. No more what ifs. No more regrets about what had happened. No more. She was just a girl, she was a refugee sleeping on his couch. He was the responsible guy, protecting her was his mission. A mission. Nothing else. A mission.

And said mission also reminded him of what the medic had said. "We'd like to keep her a few more hours for some tests." Tests? Turning her into a guinea-pig after all? No, they weren't!

He stood up from her bed and walked towards the window. Quietly opening it, he took a look into the night. Second floor window. Only bushes and concrete below. He looked up. There was a gutter above, a drainpipe running all the way down. Alright. Kakashi turned back towards the bed. Looking at her sleeping form for another second, he listened for any noises indicating that a nurse or medic was approaching the room. Nothing. The night shift was always relatively quiet.

No one would disturb him…

…while he kidnapped Katsumi.

He pulled back the blanket, put both arms under her body and lifted her up effortlessly. Hugging her to his chest with one arm, he walked back towards the window, leapt up onto the windowsill – and jumped into the night. His free hand caught the pipe to his left. From there it was only another leap to the ground, where he landed soundlessly.

Without looking back, knowing that they would probably assume that it had been him who had kidnapped the "unknown red-haired girl with the strange chakra distortions", he returned to his apartment, Katsumi safely pressed against his upper body. Whatever they had found out about her condition, they would not dig deeper into the matter. He wouldn't allow that. He had told the Hokage that he wouldn't let them make Katsumi a guinea-pig and he would tell everyone else the same. And he didn't care on whose feet he was stepping by doing so. His mission was to protect her.

His mission… was slowly waking up, just before he had reached his apartment.


Katsumi's head felt unnaturally light. She inhaled deeply, the air flowing into her lungs with ease. She opened her eyes… to see a masked chin. It was then that she noticed that she was moving. But she wasn't moving on her own… she was… carried… by…

"Kakashi…" she whispered and tilted her head slightly.

He had her pressed against his chest, his arms tightly around her, walking down a dark side street towards a large apartment building.

She was confused. Why was he carrying her through the night? What… "What happened?" she asked, her voice sounding a bit too feeble.

"Can't you remember?" he replied softly.

"No…"

"You woke up in the middle of the night. You couldn't breathe. Your fever was getting worse. I brought you to the hospital…" She flinched. Hospital? "…They fixed you up. And now I'm taking you back home." Back… home… Confusion washed over her.

"Why?"

She could see how his eye creased into a smile. "Because my couch is way better than any hospital bed, believe me."

Even though she was still watching him, she noticed that they approached a large door. He was slowing down. "How are you feeling?" he asked quietly, looking down to meet her gaze.

Katsumi felt her cheeks redden. The warmth was back. "I'm… I feel fine" she replied barely audible.

"No more pain?"

She took a moment to consider his question. No. There wasn't anything. She didn't feel too cold or too hot, there was no pain anywhere. Not even… She looked down to where her feet were dangling from the air. Her feet… she was barefoot and there were no bandages anymore. Her left foot… "My foot…"

"The medics cured the sprain" Kakashi said softly. "Do you want to try it?"

She swallowed and looked up, before she nodded.

He put her down gently, his hands resting on her waist and arm until her feet met the cold concrete of the threshold. She shivered at first, then quickly recovered and moved a step forwards. On her left and formerly injured foot. It didn't hurt. A smile crept onto her lips. She walked up and down the stairs. So easily. No more hobbling. She was… free…

She walked towards the door and put a hand on the door handle, before it hit her. Her heart began to race. No. She frowned, staring down at her feet. After another second, she turned around to Kakashi, who was watching her with his hands in his pockets and an unreadable look in his eye. Was he… thinking the same?

"My foot is healed" she stated the obvious, staring at him, trying to control what was welling up inside of her.

"So it seems" he replied, completely expressionless.

She bit her lip. "That means…" Katsumi looked down. "You said you'd let me stay at your place until my foot was completely healed…" She broke off. Her mouth was dry. "Well, it is now… so… there's no need for me to… stay anymore, is there?" Her voice was a mere whisper. She felt cold – and that was not because she was standing in the middle of the night barefoot on cold concrete.

"Katsumi." His voice was warm and generous. She heard him move closer. Yet he wasn't close enough to touch her. "I told you that you are free to leave whenever you want. It's your decision."

She looked up slowly, her lips slightly parted.

"I know that you are still a wanderer, even though you've been here for more than three weeks. I would understand it if you wanted to run again. It's in your nature, right?"

Her eyes wandered over his face. Suddenly, he was smiling at her.

"Look, let's discuss this inside. It's cold and you are freshly cured, so we don't want you to get sick again, do we? Come on" he said and held out his hand.

She took his hand hesitantly.

He immediately pushed past her towards the door, opened it with his free hand and guided her inside the apartment building. He then turned right towards a large staircase. She couldn't quite comprehend the situation, she was merely walking behind him, left foot, right foot, walk, walk, walk, step, step, step. It seemed that she had left her ability to think on the threshold outside. What was wrong with her?

Oh, she bloody well knew what was wrong with her. 'She was free to leave.' So, was he saying that he didn't want to have her anymore? 'It was in her nature to run.' Seriously? Well, it had been for the last seven years, but now… The metaphorical fog circling them was growing thicker. It was all so vague…

Without her really noticing, they had reached his apartment. He unlocked the door and told her to step in first. She did, waiting on the other side of the door for him to follow her. Her gaze wandered up to his face. His eye met hers only for a brief moment, before he walked past her, slipped from his sandals and walked up into his apartment. She blinked.

"Kakashi!" she then blurted out, her voice a tad too shrill. Everything came together finally. Everything. The past three weeks, last night… Everything.

He turned around to her and looked back a bit puzzled.

"I… I'd really like to stay here for a little while longer" she then said, bowing slightly as she did so. Biting her lip, she waited for his response.

He was smiling. "You are welcome to do that" he replied.

"And… you don't mind?" she whispered.

"No, I don't. I like your company."

She blushed at that. A new feeling floated her insides. Something like gratefulness… appreciation… happiness… It was a nice feeling. She smiled back at him.

"Now, come on in already. You'll catch a cold – again – if you keep standing by the door" he said with a laugh and turned around again to walk towards the couch.

She inhaled deeply and followed him into the living room. She caught up with him and, before he could sit down on the couch, hugged her arms around his waist, pressing her face against his back. If he was surprised, he didn't show it.

"Thank you" she whispered against his sweater.


Her sudden embrace had surprised him. It took a lot of effort not to show any emotion.

Kakashi had expected her to go back on what they had first agreed on, with her staying here only until her foot was healed. But apparently, she didn't want to run away so quickly. She wanted to stay. And he was willing to let her. It was his mission after all, to make sure she'd stay in Konoha. His mission… Yet he was glad that she decided so on her own. That she wanted to stay.

At the same time, he became aware of how attached she was to him already. She shouldn't be. Then again, why wouldn't she after how nice he'd been to her? It was his fault after all – for luring her in. For encouraging her… He sighed and placed his hands on hers. "Katsumi…" She was only tightening the grip of her arms around his torso. He had to admit… it felt nice. It had been a while since there had been someone who had hugged him like this, who had been this grateful… so unselfish… He closed his eye.

This was still wrong. However nice it felt. This was wrong!

He gripped her hands and pulled them apart. "Katsumi, we have to talk" he then said and turned around to her.

The sight of her seemed to make his heart stop. There were tears in her eyes.

"It's wrong, isn't it?" she whispered barely audible. He almost couldn't understand her. "For me to feel like this… It's wrong that I feel so close to you after you have been so nice and caring to me, right? I shouldn't feel like that. I shouldn't feel anything. I… I was a wanderer, I had no emotions, I didn't even know what emotions really were. And now that I know of some, I… I shouldn't feel them. I'm not allowed to because it's wrong to feel like this… Is… is that what you wanted to talk about?" She was crying mercilessly now, yet at the same time she wiped at her face and seemed to be embarrassed by what she did and said. There was turmoil in her eyes.

"Katsumi…" He had no idea what he should say to her. "It's not wrong to have emotions" he then replied softly. "You should feel lucky to have them. What I wanted to talk to you about is…" He sighed and looked down for a moment, before he faced her again. "Katsumi, I am not the right one for these emotions."

She stared at him, her parted lips shaking slightly.

He frowned as he leaned closer to put her hands between his fingers. "I don't want you to get hurt, Katsumi. I… want to protect you."

A sudden memory flashed before his eyes. Seven years ago. "I'm here to protect you…"

Was he really protecting her by telling her that she couldn't feel for him? That it was wrong to feel? It wasn't wrong… no, that was not the reason why he was fighting this. It was because he knew for certain that he would hurt her eventually. He had a tendency of doing that… And with Katsumi, it was even worse. He hadn't been honest to her from the moment they had met. She didn't know that his caring for her was only a mission. A mission, a paid assignment, a job. He hadn't been honest… and whenever she was to find that out, she would be hurt – and it would hurt even more if he allowed her to fall for him. She shouldn't. He wasn't worthy of that.

A flash of self-pity rushed through him. He was pathetic. Emotions were horrible. There was a reason why rule #25 of the Shinobi guidelines stated that a Shinobi was not to show emotions in any situation. Showing emotions confused the mind and the heart and influenced every action and reaction. Emotions made everything worse.

He closed his eye and let go of her hands. Yet he wasn't moving.

It was Katsumi who moved – by pulling her arms around his waist once more. He blinked, when she pressed her face against his chest.

"Kakashi" she whispered. "I don't care who you think you are. And I don't care if I get hurt. I want to learn and I can only do that by making mistakes. Maybe this is a mistake, but you have to let me find that out on my own. And you don't even have to be a part of that. You just… have to tell me that you don't want to. I can't control what I'm feeling for you… but I can try to accept that you won't return these feelings. I just have to know. Then everything will be fine."

What was she expecting him to do? Was she serious? So, a no or yes from him, and she would be fine? This was basically his chance of getting out more or less unharmed. Yet…

There was one question hovering inside his head. One very blatant question. One that seemed pretty dumb and whose answer he already seemed to know. But still… he had to know. Like her. He had to know.

"What exactly are you feeling for me, Katsumi?" he asked quietly.

She stiffened slightly against him. "I… I don't know exactly what it is, but it feels as if there are bugs inside my stomach, it's warm and… I can feel their tiny wings fluttering, it feels like a stomach ache, but… pleasant… that happens whenever I'm with you. When I look at you… the bugs are swirling around violently… then my heart begins to race, it's always so loud… drumming in my ears… And my head feels so light when you smile at me… and there's no thought inside… just an overall feeling of… well, something good. And it's always so warm and… comfortable… when you touch me… I have never felt like this before…"

Her voice was soft, her words vibrating against him. He looked up guiltily, when his arms closed around her shoulders. It was already too late.

"It's butterflies" he said quietly.

"What?" she replied a bit too shrill.

He chuckled lightly. "This feeling inside your stomach, it feels like butterflies, not bugs."

"Oh" was all she made while burying her face in his sweater. He couldn't see it, but he was sure that she was blushing. He tightened his grip around her.

"I believe that you can call this feeling… love or affection" he then said. Love… He shook his head mentally. He never believed in something like love. It was too fickle. Too unpredictable. It was not one of those things you could easily rely on. You couldn't rely on love when your life was on the line. It made people weak and vulnerable. And he was not someone willing to be weak and vulnerable. Never. He sighed.

But whatever he thought about love, he couldn't affix his opinion to Katsumi as well. She should learn on her own how inconsistent love could be. Or maybe she was to find out that it worked for her, that it gave her strength rather than slow her down. You'll never know…

"Love…" he heard her whisper against his chest. She then leaned back a little and looked up at him. She was smiling. "You know, yesterday? Yesterday I was wondering what love actually is, I had no idea. Yesterday was… well, let's say I was delirious, I didn't know what I was doing. It was silly, wasn't it?" She chuckled lightly. The memory of last night flashed before his eyes. He could have slapped himself mentally for remembering how soft her lips had felt… "You said I had still a lot to learn and that you'll be my teacher… yet you taught me so much already."

She suddenly tiptoed in front of him, before she pressed her lips somewhat awkwardly on his masked chin. He loosened his grip around her, allowing her to lean higher. Her hands found his mask, one finger already hooked beneath the fabric. He watched her. Should he stop her? A sudden thought rushed through his mind. What if he just let her do whatever she wanted to do? What if he let her learn? He knew that if he rejected her now, she would leave, not immediately, but she would turn away from him, because she would be hurt – despite her saying she wouldn't.

So. What if he didn't object?

It wasn't wrong if he wasn't the one to do the first step, right? That was farfetched and a twisting of the truth, but still. It was working in his mind. It was working for him. And it would make her happy. So he let her decide whether it was time to let go. It wasn't as if he had anything else to do… and quite frankly, he really didn't object… He was that selfish after all.

Kakashi watched how she tiptoed against his chest, both her hands nibbling on the fabric of his mask. He twisted his eye into a smile. That was enough to encourage her to pull his mask down. Then, her hands rested on his cheeks. And despite him deciding to be the passive one, he leaned down. She looked at him, her lips parted. He could feel her rapid breath on his chin.

"Sometimes it really doesn't matter if it's right or wrong, does it?" he said softly, eyeing her closely.

She smiled, a generously happy smile. He smiled back. Her lips closed around his. She closed her eyes and kissed him deeply. He watched her.

If it wasn't for the fact that he actually enjoyed it, he would have felt like a male prostitute… But… So what if he prostituted himself for her? Somehow, he felt obliged to do this. He felt somehow responsible for how her life had turned out. If they could have stopped the Torishimari/Arashi massacre seven years ago, Katsumi's life would have been different. He couldn't change that they had had no chance to stop it, nor that he couldn't help her when he had first met her, but now, seven years later, he could at least try to make her happy.

Even if that meant to let her kiss him…

Seriously, what was his problem? She was a cute girl, and she was learning how to move her lips properly, and really, it wasn't unselfish of him to allow her to do this. It was the most selfish thing he had ever done in his life!

And so, he kissed her back.


A/N: Chapter six, done.

Well, what do you think? Now begins the actual romance. Katsumi doesn't have to stay at Kakashi's anymore, but she's decided to stay. And Kakashi, despite having the mission to make sure she stays in Konoha, decides to make her happy … by… well, do you find it weird of him to allow her to use him so that she learns something about emotions and happiness? I can't put my finger on it, but it does feel weird and slightly out of character… then again: maybe he is only teaching her a lesson… actually, he is, so… never mind. Oh well.

SO! About the ** from the title.

The subtitle reads "even though your name has "control" in it" – finally, there's an explanation.

Welcome to Japanese 101. Taught by someone who has done a very basic Japanese online course and knows how to use Japanese-English-dictionaries. But still. Welcome!

The name of my main character is Torishimari Katsumi.

"Katsumi" has quite a few meanings, but I stuck to this one: "self control" (it can also mean "victorious beauty" … but I ditched that meaning for obvious reasons)

"Torishimari" means "control" (also "supervision" or "management").

So there's quite a bit of "control" in her name – but – to make this story somehow interesting, I decided to make her experience things she can't control – despite the meanings of her name.

And there you go. "Of things you can't control".

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Disclaimer-stuff: Naruto-verse was created by Kishimoto Masashi, all hail him. Katsumi is mine. Anything else? Hmm. I forgot.
Oh,
rule #25 of the Shinobi guidelines is actually "A shinobi must never show tears" – but I stretched it a little bit to make it work. Forgive me, Kishimoto-sensei!

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Next: Kakashi lives up to his name (well, his title) and becomes the teacher we all love so much. Yet there'll be no more "student-calls-him-Kakashi-SENSEI-seductively"-jokes, no, that had been used way too often!

Thank you dearly for reading! I'm really excited about Reviews! And Favs! And Alerts! Thank you!

A special thanks to GoddessHanyuu and ChibiJinchuuriki: Kakashi-fangirls unite! Thank you for your support!