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Kurt was struggling. Blaine was all around him. Even when the man himself wasn't in the room Kurt could still smell him, hear him, see him in the pictures on the mantelpiece. He had even started dreaming about him. Beautiful, perfect dreams that left him with sticky sheets and a guilty body. And yet it wasn't enough. He needed Blaine.
In the few months he had been in that house Blaine had become Kurt's best friend. They made each other laugh and Kurt had begun to miss all these little things about Blaine that he hadn't even noticed before. The exact tone of his skin, the tiny self-deprecating note in his laugh, even the sound of his breathing. Suddenly Kurt felt so alone in a house full of people.
Of course he still talked with Beth and knitted with her while Blaine was at work, but he could no longer look forward to the moment when Blaine would walk through the door and they would shut themselves away in Blaine's study, reading till dinner. He felt like the world was tormenting him. Offering him everything he'd ever wanted then giving him every reason to deny it.
He was shocked when Blaine came home from work one day and asked him to come up to his office. They hadn't been alone together since they'd kissed in the dining room and he wandered if this was going to be a repeat of that. He thought probably not as Blaine shared a look with Beth.
They sat on opposites sides of Blaine's desk, very formal, and Kurt imagined for a second what it would be like to throw his body across the desk and into Blaine's arms.
"This isn't working." Blaine's voice was strained as he met Kurt's gaze.
"I know." Kurt had seen the way Blaine stared at him. Did he not stare just as much? This arrangement was breaking them both into pieces.
"I wish I could say that we should just run away but we can't. I can't abandon Beth and Wes and we'd have nowhere to go. But we can't stay how we are. Every time I look at you..." Blaine cut off, coughing before he continued. "I talked to Beth about it. She saw us kiss in the garden. We made a plan. Beth's great aunt lives in Bournemouth. She has a pretty big house and no children or grand children so I'm sure she'd love to have you. I wish she lived closer. I wish I could say that we would see each other often but we won't. And that's for the best, because Kurt, you mean so much to me and I hate that we're both in so much pain over this. I already miss you but it'll be easier when we only have the memories to torment us and not the presence of each other." Blaine had tears in his eyes as he stretched a hand out in time with Kurt, their fingers twining on the centre of the desk. "I know this is sudden but she'll be up here for the Charity Ball and if you want, you can go with her then."
Kurt stared at their clasped hands. A part of him had expected something like this. There had to be a breaking point somewhere, he had just hoped he could have stayed for Christmas. He wasn't really sure how to feel. He didn't want to leave, not at all, but with Blaine so close how was he supposed to get over him? They had agreed their relationship wouldn't work. It would be cruel of them to have one in the house Beth had thought she would raise a family in, but it wasn't like Blaine could move away from his wife. All these problems and only one solution.
"Okay." Kurt was surprised when his voice didn't wobble. He looked up, meeting Blaine's gaze, holding it for a moment until it really hit him. "I'm going to miss you so much."
His composure broke as Blaine's tears overflowed, a sob jerking through his body as he stood, both he and Blaine hurrying round the desk towards each other. They held each other tightly, fists gripping material as Blaine buried his face in Kurt's neck.
They held each other for a while, pouring out the anguish and the sorrow that came from being so close and yet so far, pulling back when their tears had run dry and resting their foreheads together. Kurt felt as though his heart had cracked right down the middle. They still had a little less than a week till the Charity ball so this wasn't quite goodbye, more the realisation that there would be a goodbye. Blaine's lips found his wordlessly as they stood, the kiss desperate and needy. Kurt tried to convey everything he felt in that one kiss. The love and the gratitude and the sorrow, all of it. He wasn't sure if the message got across but he thought maybe Blaine was feeling the same things anyway.
As always, it felt like they broke apart too soon, both a little breathless under the onslaught of emotion and passion.
"Kurt, I lo-" Blaine began but Kurt cut him off, sure the words would be the last nail in his coffin.
"Don't say it Blaine."
"But Kurt it's true. You have to know that that is exactly how I feel for you."
"Blaine please." Another sob was rising in Kurt's throat as he wrapped his fingers in Blaine's hair, pulling their mouths together, not kissing, just resting their lips together as if it would keep the words from the world. "I know that's how you feel Blaine, and it's killing me. If you say that then how do I tear myself away from you?"
Blaine pressed his lips forward, turning the contact into a kiss that stopped words and thoughts and worries. His arms staying tight around Kurt's waist as they separated once again.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.' You'll always be in my heart Kurt."
Kurt could barely breathe through the tears he was fighting to hold back. He hoped they were making the right choice. There was no way he would ever forget Blaine but maybe this separation would numb the pain.
"I'm glad we had this time Blaine."
Towards the end of the week, with three days left till the ball, Beth's sister fell ill. It wasn't serious but it was enough to send Beth rushing over to her sister's home. Unfortunately Blaine's sister-in-law lived on the other side of London, about an hour's horse and carriage ride away, meaning Beth would have to stay the night.
In a perverse twist of fate it happened to coincide with the monthly day off Wes and the other staff members got. So, as evening fell, the moon rose to find a house that contained only Kurt and Blaine.
They started off in different rooms, Blaine in his study, Kurt in the front room. The house was so quiet Blaine could hear every move Kurt made until eventually he realised how ridiculous this was. Kurt was leaving in a few days and Blaine didn't know when, or if, he would see him again. He didn't want to miss this last opportunity to spend time with this man who was still his friend, despite their other feelings.
Fishing around in his desk drawer, Blaine pulled out a pack of cards. They were a relatively old pack that Blaine had had since childhood. As a boy he had often played with his brother and still remembered most of his favourite games.
The house was dim with the lack of occupants, the only light coming from the fire burning in the front room. Blaine found Kurt curled in a chair by the fire, reading a book he had asked Mrs Marks to get him from the market. Blaine stood unnoticed in the doorway for moment, enjoying the way Kurt's nose scrunched in concentration, the tip of his tongue occasionally poking out between his teeth.
"Good evening Kurt."
Kurt jumped as Blaine's voice broke the quiet, their gazes meeting across the room. Blaine smiled slowly. The relief of being near Kurt, of knowing it was okay to just talk to him, was so freeing, like someone had turned a lever in his chest and relieved the pressure.
"I brought some cards down." Blaine waved them for Kurt to see. "If you feel like playing a game."
"Sure." Kurt set his book down, carefully marking the page with a torn piece of paper before lowering himself to sit on the floor beside the fire. The air was a little tense as Blaine moved further into the room, pushing aside some furniture to clear a space so he could sit opposite Kurt.
"I don't know how to play any games." Kurt began, continuing before Blaine could even open his mouth. "But I'm sure you're ready and willing to teach me."
Kurt grinned as Blaine pretended to scowl and just like that the awkward atmosphere disappeared, leaving behind the easy joking nature they'd had before, when they were friends and everything was so much simpler.
"I'm the best teacher you'll ever have." Blaine quipped back, shuffling the cards and beginning to deal them out.
He explained the rules quickly, smiling at Kurt's determined expression and thinking he would have to go easy on him for the first few games. He could not have been more wrong.
Five minutes later, Blaine watched baffled as Kurt lay down his last card, a triumphant grin plastered across his face.
"I... how?" Blaine stammered, shuffling through the cards, trying to find where he went wrong.
"I guess I'm just better at it than you." Kurt suggested with faux innocence, grinning at Blaine's murderous expression.
"Best of three." He demanded, scooping up the cards and dealing them out again.
Overall it took 6 games and 32 minutes for Blaine to win, and even then he suspected Kurt may not have been trying his hardest. But he let it go, enjoying the chance to be just a little smug in the face of Kurt's unexpected skill at cards.
"What shall we do now?" Kurt asked, closing his eyes and turning his face towards the fire, enjoying the warmth it emitted into the chill house.
Blaine looked up to answer but the words died in his throat. With the soft, flickering light of the fire making his skin glow, Kurt was possibly more beautiful than Blaine had ever seen him. Sorrow welled in his chest as he thought that this beauty would soon be gone from his life, but he pushed it down. Tonight was about enjoying Kurt's presence, he would not let it be tainted by the grief that would soon consume him.
Still silent, Blaine's stomach spoke for him, answering Kurt's question with a low growl.
"Sounds like maybe we should raid the kitchen." Kurt chuckled, pushing himself to his feet and offering Blaine his hand.
Blaine gazed at it for a second, mind still a little numb from the emotions that kept pulsing through him, before taking it and hauling himself up.
The kitchen was dark, the only light coming from the moon outside the window. Blaine had sometimes raided the kitchen as a child. He and his brother side by side, sent to bed without dinner for some kind of mischief and looking for something to fill their empty bellies. Those were some of the best memories he had of his short-lived childhood. Again he pushed aside less pleasing thoughts to focus on the little chills he got every time Kurt looked at him.
"What shall we eat then, Mr Anderson?" Kurt ran a hand over the wooden counter in the centre of the room, glancing around as Blaine began opening cupboards. He almost felt a little ashamed that he didn't even know where the different foods were kept in his own kitchen, but in the dark room judgement and society felt miles away.
"We could start with some juice?" Blaine suggested, grasping the pitcher and turning around. Kurt was standing closer than he had realised, right behind him in fact, and as Blaine turned he slammed into him, juice slopping over the side of the ceramic jug and soaking Kurt's shirt.
They stood for a moment, both staring at Kurt's sopping shirt. It had gone see through and was sticking to Kurt's chest and Blaine wasn't sure whether he wanted to laugh or groan.
"Kurt, I'm so sor-" He began, but before he could finish, Kurt opened the jar of preserve in his hand and smeared jam across Blaine's chest. Their gazes met and the quiet broke, both of them scrabbling to find other food items to either throw or defend themselves with.
Blaine's hand found a large bag of flour as he ducked behind a counter, and he ripped it open spilling a little onto his slacks as he pulled out a handful. The kitchen was quiet as he turned to peer over his counter/fort, Kurt nowhere to be found. He slowly inched higher, revealing more and more of himself as his confidence grew.
With a loud cry Kurt popped up on the other side of the kitchen, flinging an egg at Blaine as the latter attempted to throw his flour and shield himself simultaneously. It failed and he ended up with egg splattered on his shirt and flour dusting his hair. Giggling madly, Kurt ducked back behind the sack of vegetables he had been previously using as a shelter, Blaine scooping up another handful of flour and stalking, half crouched, round the counter in the centre of the room.
He could hear shuffling as Kurt moved around at the other end of the counter, preparing to throw his flour again when Kurt leapt out in front of him, again taking him by surprise. But Blaine was quicker this time, pitching his flour right into Kurt's face before Kurt had even pulled back his arm, which was loaded this time with a tomato that looked rather past it's best.
Blaine couldn't help but laugh at the look of pure shock on Kurt's flour coated face, doubling over when the younger man sneezed and a small cloud of flour surrounded his head. He was stopped however by the impact of something cool and wet smacking into his head. Now it was Kurt's turn to laugh as the skin of the tomato slipped down Blaine's cheek, the juice running down his neck making him shiver.
Blaine acted on instinct. There were no other foods nearby so he threw himself at Kurt, tackling him round the waist and taking them both to the ground. They landed hard with an 'oomph' and there was a brief moment of shocked silence before they were both laughing again.
When their laughter had died down to chuckles Blaine rolled off Kurt onto his back, Kurt shuffling a little closer to him to use his shoulder as a pillow.
"I'm still hungry." Blaine noted, laying his arm lightly round Kurt's waist.
"Well maybe you should have eaten your food instead of throwing it." Kurt reprimanded, poking him in the stomach.
"Hey, I didn't mean to spill it. I'm pretty sure you smeared that jam on purpose."
"Sure." Kurt's tone was sarcastic and Blaine pouted in indignation, his fingers moving quickly over Kurt's side, tickling him until he was breathless and pleading for release.
"You're a horrible man, Blaine Anderson."
"I know." Blaine grinned at the ceiling, holding Kurt just a little tighter. "Well now all the juice is gone I guess we're going to have to move onto grown up drinks."
Reaching up just above his head, Blaine let his fingers trail over the bottles in the wine rack, choosing one at random and pretending to read it's label.
"Oh yes, this will do." He muttered, sitting up to uncork it and taking a swig before passing it to Kurt and watching him drink.
"It's a very good year." Blaine began, putting on a pretentious, upper-class voice. "The grapes from that region of France have a certain sweetness that gives the wine it's unique taste."
"Shut up you idiot." Kurt grinned, amusement creasing his face.
"Make me." Blaine retorted childishly, pulling an affronted expression.
"Fine." Kurt set down the bottle of wine, sitting up and grasping Blaine's face with both hands before kissing him squarely on the mouth.
Blaine made a noise of surprise that quickly became a groan, twisting round without breaking the kiss and slowly lowering himself so he was hovering over Kurt, who was once again lying on the floor. They broke apart briefly, eyes meeting as they acknowledged what was happening and what it meant. Blaine could feel the love for this man swelling his broken heart, making it feel whole when he knew that was far from true. Tonight would be the last time he would be alone with Kurt, and his burning desire to make the most of it battled with his knowledge that every touch and every kiss between them would be one more thing to haunt him when Kurt was gone. But his desire won out. The look in Kurt's eyes as their lips met once more, swayed his decision. In that one glance he knew that Kurt was sure of this, had already made up his mind and was ready to take whatever torment he may face later for this night with Blaine, enjoying each other as they knew they never would again.
The kiss went on, morphing and deepening into something so much more meaningful, and Blaine wandered how he could feel so happy and yet so sad, so whole and yet completely broken.
When they were both running out of air, they broke apart, eyes meeting again in the darkness. Kurt was pale and beautiful and perfect, his lips dark and kiss-bruised as he stared up at Blaine, breathing heavily but still composed. No words passed between them as Kurt pushed Blaine gently, rolling him over and pulling away, holding Blaine's gaze as he pulled him to his feet.
"Kurt, wh-" Blaine began, but Kurt hushed him, smiling slightly and taking both of Blaine's hands in his.
Blaine wasn't sure what to think. The house was silent but his heart was pounding in his ears and the look in Kurt's eye made something stir in his gut. Something not entirely foreign but it wasn't familiar either.
Kurt led him through the house, the only sound their careful footsteps and muted breaths. Blaine couldn't take his eyes off Kurt, who was ahead of him, now leading him up the stairs, and thought he maybe knew where they were heading. The idea made his heart jump erratically and his breath come short. He was both nervous and excited but Kurt seemed perfectly calm before him, a determination in his eyes when he glanced back at Blaine, as if to make sure he was still there.
When they reached the landing Kurt went left, walking a few steps and stopping in front of a door. He turned to face Blaine and their eyes met once more. Kurt was clearly certain, a definite purposefulness present in his features and it calmed Blaine immensely. So long as he was with Kurt, Blaine knew everything would be alright.
They were still silent. Blaine didn't think he could speak, even if he had words to say, but he didn't need to. He could understand what Kurt was thinking through his steady gaze and slightly trembling fingers as he reached behind himself, grasping the doorknob and pushing to door gently open. The bedroom inside was just as dark as the rest of the house but there seemed to be something more, the darkness was somehow foreboding, a looming shadow of the unknown. But there was Kurt, leading him inside, inviting him in, and the shadows receded.
The door closed with a soft 'snick' behind them. Blaine swallowed harshly as Kurt stepped closer to him, his hands travelling up Blaine's arms, over his shoulders to loop around his neck. Not breaking eye contact Blaine leaned in. He couldn't quite stop the slight shake of his arms as he slipped them round Kurt's waist, pulling him close so their bodies were flush up against each other. Kurt's breathing hitched and he rocked forward the rest of the way, pressing their lips together in a kiss that quickly turned heated.
Blaine fisted his hands in Kurt's shirt, a low whine in the back of his throat as a desperate desire raced through his veins. There was suddenly way too many clothes between them and it was taking all his self-control not to simply rip the shirt from Kurt's body and throw him onto the bed. Kurt seemed to be thinking along the same lines however, his hands trailing along the collar of Blaine's shirt to the top button, popping it open as he bit down gently on Blaine's bottom lip. He made quick work of the rest of Blaine's buttons, pushing the shirt from his shoulders almost aggressively and pressing into the kiss. Blaine responded with equal enthusiasm, ridding Kurt of his shirt in a hurry before pulling him close again. Kurt moaned into Blaine's mouth at the feel of skin on skin, twining his hands into Blaine's hair and tugging lightly.
This is really happening. Blaine reminded himself taking a tentative step in the direction of the bed and moving Kurt back with him. When the bed hit the back of Kurt's knees he sat, not releasing his hold on Blaine's hair and pulling Blaine with him as he shifted back on the bed. They ended up in a similar position as they had been in the kitchen, Blaine hovering over Kurt, pressing him into the bed as Kurt's hands fumbled with the button on Blaine's slacks.
Blaine knew where this was going, how could he not? He also knew that he had promised himself it wouldn't get this far, but he was helpless to stop, didn't want to stop. Whatever happened come morning, there was no way he would ever regret this night. Kurt was perfect beneath him, releasing breathy little moans that made Blaine's blood race and burn, sparking through his veins and setting him on fire. Tonight was perfect, tonight they would make love, and Blaine would cherish the memory forever.
Blaine watched Kurt pad softly away from him, fiddling with the lights till the room was filled with a soft muted glow, and grinned as he came back to the bed. In a brief flash, Blaine imagined what his life could be like if he could live with Kurt. Waking every morning to this beautiful man, going to bed every night holding him in his arms, it was definitely something he could get used to.
With a slight shiver Kurt slipped back into the bed, snuggling down into Blaine's arms and laying his head on his chest. Blaine could feel every line of Kurt's naked body pressed up against him. It raised goose bumps on his skin and made his gut swirl, but this time it wasn't sexual. Knowing that Kurt was near him, willing to be so open and vulnerable, to trust him, meant so much to him.
"I love you Kurt." Blaine stated, trailing his fingers lightly down Kurt's spine.
"Blaine, I-"
"I know you didn't want me to say it, but I can't hold it in anymore. You're the love of my life and I couldn't let you go knowing I left you with even a shadow of a doubt that that is true. I'm sorry if-" Blaine was cut off by Kurt's lips on his, a short sweet kiss that effectively stopped his flow of words.
"I love you too Blaine." Kurt murmured, pulling back to look Blaine in the eye. "I didn't want to make the separation harder but after tonight, well, I don't think that would be possible."
Kurt gave a small melancholy smile and Blaine's heart twisted painfully.
"Hey, let's not talk about that now. We're together and we've still got a day or two, that's what matters. The time will come when we will have to say goodbye, but that time is not now and for that I am glad." Kurt kissed him again, lingering a little as Blaine lifted his head to prolong the contact, before settling back on Blaine's chest.
"I think I would have liked to live in the countryside." Kurt mused after a few minutes of contented silence in which Blaine trailed faint patterns on Kurt's skin, humming softly under his breath.
"Hmm?"
"In a perfect world." Kurt clarified, propping his chin on Blaine's chest to look him in the eye. "Yes, the countryside would have been ideal. Just you and me and... a life together." Kurt shrugged, his doe eyes wide.
Immediately, wonderful images burst behind Blaine's eyes, summer evenings in a flowering garden, autumn walks down country lanes, endless nights in each other's arms. All so perfect and so unattainable. Part of him wished Kurt wouldn't, this was already painful without the taunting prospects of what could have been, but Blaine reprimanded himself. Tonight he would forget the future, the past, and focus solely on the present, the here and now where Kurt was safe in his arms, so close and so warm and so real. He would pretend that they had a life together, for in this moment, this brief little bubble they had created, they did.
"That sounds magnificent, love. What kind of house would we have?"
"A big one." Kurt grinned, looking down at Blaine's chest, fingers tracing over the skin as if trying to map it out. "A classic design with plenty of space. Impeccably furnished of course, and with a big garden where we can lie in the grass and watch the stars."
When Kurt raised his gaze again, it held a faraway look, and Blaine watched him for a moment as he dreamed, envisioning his perfect life, a life that was also perfect for Blaine because they would be together. Blaine didn't care where they were or what they were doing, his life would never be right without Kurt.
Fatigue was quickly sweeping over them both, eyelids drooping as they exchanged dopey smiles and slow kisses. Blaine muttered one last 'I love you too' in response to Kurt before he felt sleep claim him, the warm weight of Kurt on his chest and dreams he hadn't let himself entertain filling his subconscious.
