Chapter 7: Raise of the Conductor's Baton

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[A000] An Examination of the Basics

Upon connecting with the client user, you, the server user, will be met with a
control panel allowing you to manipulate your co-player's environment. You will
find that you are allowed to deploy four items at no expense. Three of these are
rather large machines, and one is a punch card.

It's quite possible that you have already deployed some of these items before
reading this. If this is the case, and you have activated the machine called the
"cruxtruder" such that it displays a countdown, YOU MUST PROCEED TO SECTION [A100]
OF THIS WALKTHROUGH IMMEDIATELY. The life of the client user depends on it, and if
your co-player has activated this device in your environment too, then yours does
as well.

But if not, please refrain from doing anything with the cruxtruder, aside from
merely deploying it. This will buy us some time to think things through properly,
and to go over the basics of the game before you find your soft, easily-punctured
head in the jaws of the lion.

As mentioned, there are four items to consider, each playing a role in a process
which appears to have a singular purpose: to manufacture objects out of thin air.
The designers of the game, judging by the language used, regard this process as a
sort of alchemy. This may allude to complexities in the production process yet to
present themselves. But for now, the variety of objects you are able to create
remains quite limited.

The items in question are the CRUXTRUDER (again, tread lightly with this one), the
TOTEM LATHE, the ALCHEMITER, and the PRE-PUNCHED CARD. I will describe how these
devices work in conjunction with each other, and I will use the analogy of having a
key made at a hardware store to help you understand.

First, deploy all of these objects in convenient proximity to each other. Be sure
not to block doors or pathways with them. You can always "revise" the dimensions of
rooms to make space for them, but I'd advise against this, or even experimenting
with the function. Doing so comes at the expense of "build grist", a commodity
which appears to be at a premium at the onset, and one you'd best be advised to
save for later.

- THE CRUXTRUDER -

Removing the lid signals the moment your life becomes a great whirling batshit
pandemonium, somewhat resembling the chaos of an especially ethnic wedding.
Somewhere, a soused uncle deliberately shatters china on the floor. Muddy livestock
is decorated, and then lost track of. The question "Who's mule is this?" at times
can be heard over the din. This is now your reality.

But aside from that, it marks the beginning of the process I am about to describe.
The countdown begins, yes. Also, an entity called the "Kernelsprite" is released.
But neither of these things are all that relevant to this process, to my knowledge.
More on these things later.

What is relevant is the un-lidded cruxtruder's ability to dispense "cruxite
dowels". It will dispense at least one, though I suspect it is capable of producing
more, given parameters I'm not yet familiar with. In my key-making analogy, these
dowels represent the uncarved pieces of metal which the hardware store employee
retrieves from a drawer or a rack, and sets about carving into a key. The two
following items are needed to do the carving.

- THE PRE-PUNCHED CARD -

It is a simple sylladex card containing an item. There is evidence to suggest the
specific item it contains is variable from session-to-session. The card I deployed
contained a blue apple. Yours may be different. It shouldn't matter, hopefully.

Additionally, the card as you may guess is "punched", like one used with antique
computing systems. The pattern of holes comprises data, which I believe corresponds
to the instructions for creating the item the card contains. That it is
"pre-punched" suggests there is a way to punch an un-punched card, possibly
imprinting it with the data for the item it contains, though no mechanism for this
has presented itself yet.

But the data on the card cannot be used to create the item directly. There is a
middleman. That middleman is the totem lathe.

- THE TOTEM LATHE -

This is essentially the key carving machine. It will carve into your cruxite dowel
a pattern of grooves and contours, the sort which makes a key unique. The
instructions for this pattern are supplied by the punch card, which is inserted
into the lathe pre-activation to configure its chisels.

Once the dowel is carved, you have a totem serving as your "key", which can then be
used to "unlock" the card item through the alchemiter. But at this point, I will
diverge from my key-making analogy and switch to a bar code analogy. Which is not a
terribly strenuous leap to make, since the concepts of a key and a bar code are
essentially the same—one being a unique pattern of grooves; the other, of
varying black lines.

- THE ALCHEMITER -

If you place a cruxite dowel, carved or uncarved, on the alchemiter's small
pedestal, its robotic arm will scan the contours with a laser. Hence the bar code
analogy. This is the machine's way of reading the data originally imprinted from
the card, and transforming that data into a physical object.

Though typically, this is not done without expense, I believe. An uncarved dowel
results in the creation of a "perfectly generic object", which is a seemingly
useless green cube. It costs two units of build grist to make, and I do not advise
you to waste resources on it. There appears to be many other varieties of grist,
ostensibly used in combinations to create different sorts of items, which possibly
offers some insight into the game's use of the term "alchemy".

But quite conveniently, there is an exception to this. Creating the item on the
pre-punched card costs nothing. This is good, because creating this item turns out
to be essential.

Now that you know this, you can in your own time begin the process. Once you
initiate it, naturally there is no going back, so best to be prepared. But you
probably shouldn't drag your feet too long. As I mentioned earlier, this is your
only means of escape.

When you're ready, be prepared to follow the steps in the next section swiftly.

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[A100] So your cruxtruder is ticking. Do this to live.
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Rose stood, stretching her limbs, and peered out the window. In the distance, meteorites fell with greater frequency. The fire in the forest was so hot, not even the rain was putting it out. She checked her laptop battery. It would hold for now, but it wouldn't be for long. If the power in the house didn't come back on, she could think of one last resort: the small backup generator stored behind the mausoleum.

Rose returned to the game, where John was in the kitchen. There was a box of Betty Crocker cake mix on the counter, which Rose selected. She was going to try to prototype the sprite again.

EB: what? oh man, you're going to use that?

EB: that sucks, what a stupid idea!

TT: We have to hurry along. I'm running low on battery power.

EB: but the cake mix... ugh, that's so dumb.

TT: I doubt it matters.

TT: We might as well just use any old crap lying around.

EB: fine.

EB: i GUESS.

The sprite was playing hard to get though! Rose attempted to prototype the sprite with box and the sprite just kept ducking away. Rose figured this was what she got for originally prototyping it with something that engendered mischief and pranksterism!

DO THE POTTED VEGETABLE INSTEAD. IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. Pipe down, you. This is Rose's decision, not yours!

What about the Sassacre text? Rose thought, selecting it.

EB: OH YES, SWEET!

EB: now we're talking!

TT: See if you can distract it.

TT: I'll try to sneak up on it.

JOHN FLAIL ABOUT IN A DISTRACTING MANNER.The sprite finds the distracting manner in which John flails about to be rather distracting.

But… not quite enough. Just as Rose brought the Sassacre text near the sprite, it bolted, eluding her once again. Not even the great Colonel could outfox it! In narrowly missing with her attempt to create the Colonelsprite, she dropped the massive tome. The entire house rattled under the astonishing girth of the book.

In the other room, Nanna's ashes dumped onto the sprite (the urn had fallen over from the shaking), which was caught unawares by the dousing.

INSPECT HAG ASH INCIDENT. John returned to the living room to find the urn toppled again! This time he was quite sure it wasn't his fault. The sprite was nowhere to be found.

EB: aw man, where'd it go?

TT: I can't find it anywhere in the house.

TT: No time to worry about it.

TT: The next thing we should do is get your server copy of the game from the car.

TT: You need to connect to my client, so I can repeat your steps and presumably join you, wherever you are.

TT: We should do this quickly, before my house burns down.

EB: what, there's a fire?

TT: There will be soon.

EB: oh jeez!

EB: so move this thing already!

Rose selected to Cruxtruder, but it cost 100 grist to move it, and there was no grist at all to be had.

TT: It looks like it requires a lot of grist to move.

TT: I don't have enough to relocate the door, either.

EB: how much do you have?

TT: Zero.

EB: oh.

EB: hmm.

EB: i thought about jumping to the car from the ledge earlier but that sounds really dangerous!

TT: I have a better idea.

TT: Meet me upstairs.

DO AGAIN AS PURPLE WORDS SAY. John was about to head upstairs when he thought he heard a faint chuckle behind him. It had been along the lines of a spirited "Hoo-hoo-hoo!"

Something blue appeared behind him and John turned, only to find nothing. He heard a laugh from the other direction again and turned. He saw nothing again. There was another laugh from behind him and he turned to see nothing yet again.

IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS. John wasn't sure he had even seen a woman, let alone any of her hypothetical antics. But whatever it was that John might have caught a glimpse of, it sure gave him the willies. He headed upstairs on his way to the balcony. His PDA was acting up again.

INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT.

TG: hey bro check it out im working on some new rhymes

EB: dude, i don't have time for your nerdy raps!

TG: come on this is hells of ill just listen

EB: it sounds like you don't even believe me that i was about to get blown up!

EB: but i really was, but now im in some weird dimension that sburb sent me to or something.

EB: and now on top of that i think i'm being haunted by my dead grandma!

TG: huh

TG: for real

EB: yeah, it's true but i'll talk to you later about it!

TG: i think i could drop some sick rhymes about all this

EB: man, see i just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.

TG: no thisll be dope check it

EB: no, i have to go! bye!

TG: wait wait

TG: armageddon's gettin waged on us

TG: but im-a gettin armed and dangerous

TG: sending men in space for savin us

TG: see which playa's more couragerous

TG: ben or bruce? dudes reach a truce

TG: put their blowchutes to use and up-suck it

TG: afflecks saclifice, i mean -crifice, would have to sufflice. aw fluck it

TG: bro be a stained-glass saint, up on a cross gettin hella christ-plagiarous

TG: bruce's like offa that cruciflix, nuff a this fuckin savior-fuss

TG: restrained his ass per mclane-redux while buscemi remained derangerous

TG: when a plan gone astray pays off a wasted craterous

TG: ash tray caterin to layers of matt maconnaheys vague remainder-dust

TG: wait

TG: uh

TG: macconahey wasnt even in any of those meteor movies was he

TG: ill have to make a rap about

TG: i dont know

TG: morgan freeman or something

TG: being the president

TG: itll be called

TG: "obama made it so that no one gives a shit about black presidents in movies anymore"

TG: see youve got to fill me in on whats going on

TG: so i have something to rap about besides all your dumbshit movies

ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY FROM THE RED TEXT. John headed out to the balcony to find out what Rose had in mind. She was messaging him again.

THE PURPLE TEXT IS LESS IRRATIONAL THAN THE PURPLE TEXT.

TT: I'm lifting the car up to the balcony.

EB: whoa, ok.

TT: Once it is up, retrieve the game. Then I'll put it back down on the driveway.

EB: but the door is locked!

TT: Then break a window.

EB: but it's my dad's car :(

TT: It's just a window, and this is sort of an emergency.

TT: Otherwise I promise I'll handle the car with velvet gloves.

EB: alright.

Rose picked the car up and lifted it to the balcony. However, before she could reach the top, her battery died and the connection with John was lost. The car fell below the clouds, taking a piece of the driveway with it.

RIDICULOUS FOLLY. INEXCUSABLE. John was inclined to agree, but hey, accidents happened. He double checked his PDA to make sure if Rose was really gone. Indeed, it seemed to be the case. TG was still pestering him, of course, but another chum was logged in now as well.

WHAT COLOR ARE THE WORDS THAT THIS CHUM SAYS?

GG: im back!

EB: oh hi!

GG: i went to investigate the explosion i heard

EB: was it by any chance a meteor?

GG: yes!

GG: how did you know?

EB: oh man, it's kind of a long story!

EB: anyway, are you ok? did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?

GG: no i am fine!

GG: it landed a pretty good ways from my house and i went to look at it

GG: and its pretty big!

GG: but bec doesnt want me to go near it

GG: so i came home

GG: he seems to think its dangerous!

EB: well gosh, he's probably right!

GG: anyway what have you been up to john?

GG: oh! did you get my package yet? :O

EB: er...

EB: yeah, i was trying to get it, but rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and im really sorry about that.

GG: oh no!

EB: wow, ok, i guess i should start at the beginning.

EB: see, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.

GG: thats terrible john! im so sorry!

EB: but i'm ok! and my house is too, sort of.

EB: that game i was telling you about, sburb which i was playing with rose, sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute.

EB: but now i'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and i can't find my dad and i just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and i think i have to save the world from the apocalypse!

GG: O_O

GG: well...

GG: it sounds really crazy and kind of scary but...

GG: it also sounds kind of exciting!

GG: i dont know john maybe this is your destiny

GG: if anyone can save the world i think it is probably you!

EB: wow, you think so?

GG: yes!

EB: well ok, BUT.

EB: it's not even that simple!

EB: i was about to connect to rose to help transport her and save her from meteors and fire and stuff.

EB: but she lost battery power and i lost the game disc!

EB: so i think i have to get TG to use his copy to save her!

EB: but that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.

GG: hahaha

GG: he is so silly!

EB: yeah. anyway i should talk to him about it, so brb.

THE GREEN TEXT WAS ATTRACTIVE. NOW VIEW THE RED TEXT AGAIN.

TG: when the film crew zooms where the presidents at

TG: im like if that dudes black ill eat my hat

TG: turns out he is, so we're all "damn, director's got gumption"

TG: like we'll all flip our shit he aint shining shoes or somethin

TG: its called freemancipation. if its not pres-election its god-ascension

TG: in bruce almighty. whoops, different bruce from the one i just mentioned

EB: aaaaaarrrgh!

TG: cant explain to me why this aint condescension to think ill shit a brick

TG: not even he can convey the intention with his quickspun wit

TG: rather defray all this tension, sit on his lap while he whittles a splint

TG: and some guy eyes what he does and patronizes: i guess negrocity's the mother of invention

EB: stop rapping for a second you horse's ass!

EB: i have something important to talk about.

TG: whats up

EB: rose is in trouble and she needs help. i was going to connect to her with sburb but i lost my copy!

TG: ok

EB: also she lost battery power. if she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down.

EB: so i think you should use your copy of the game to help her!

TG: my copy?

TG: thats going to be tough

EB: why?

TG: i lost it

TG: its a stupid story and id rather not talk about it

TG: shit be embarrassing yo

EB: i thought you said you had two?

TG: well yeah

TG: one is my brothers copy

EB: ok, well get his then!

TG: alright

TG: but hes not gonna be happy about that

EB: whatever.

EB: also you might want to read rose's walkthrough to get up to speed on this.

TG: oh man

EB: what?

TG: nothing really

TG: look all im saying is the girl tends to lay it on kinda thick you know?

EB: /ROLLS EYES

Rose's laptop was out of battery power. there was only one thing to do. It was time to make her way to the backup generator back behind Jasper's mausoleum. She was about to knit a laptop cozy for her laptop to shield it from the rain, when she realized that it would be such a waste of time! Besides, she already had one in her bag that she'd knitted a while ago. She applied the cozy to her laptop and captchalogued the laptop. The grimoire was still on the floor, so Rose picked it up, wondering if she should allocate it to her strife specibus. That would have been incredibly ill-advised, however. There were some dark forces you just didn't want to mess with. Rose understood better than most. She put the book back down.

She captchalogued the knitting bag and the grimoire again, in that order. It was always a logistic puzzle when it came to her tree modus. The tree auto-balanced, leaving the knitting bag accessible in the root card. Rose proceeded to allocate her knitting needles to her strife specibus. She felt a lot more comfortable with them as a weapon. She was so handy with them, in fact, she felt like she could probably use them filet a sword fish.

In allocating the knitting needles to the strife specibus, Rose lost her root card, severing the tree. Hey, she had to be careful with all that stuff! Thankfully she managed to catch the grimoire and laptop before they hit the ground though.

She wondered what she could do to soothe her nervous. Quickly, of course, before she went over to the mausoleum. She decided to knit a plush cthulhu doll. But that would also have been a preposterous waste of time! Besides, she was quite sure she'd never heard of this creature called "Cthulhu" before. There are other specimens of the zoologically dubious that she was familiar with. Such as…

Fthulhu: Foul Patriarch of Misery. To hear his mammoth belly gurgle was to know the Epoch of Joy had come to an abrupt end.

Nrub'yglith, Shamebeast King of Grotesquery, Writhe Lord of the Moist Brotherhood. Hearing his melodious chirps and tongue-clicks caused one's bones to explode.

And of course, Oglogoth, The Deep One. Whenever he ground his teeth, all the children of a random galaxy somewhere would frown continuously for a nine thousand year span. He was the first and smallest of the Smaller Gods, appointed in servitude of a vile, unfathomable pantheon of Middling Gods which catered to the whims of the Noble Circle of Horrorterrors, an omniscient, omnipotent order of the elite few, forever cloaked in the darkness of the Furthest Ring.

And then… there was a strange page in the grimoire containing some rather mysterious notes on summoning procedures. She'd never been sure what the diagrams were getting at. They looked like images of windows and plugs.

Rose captchalogued the grimoire, laptop in the cozy, and her violin, making her way down the stairs. She figured that had been enough dallying. It was time to get a move on.

She wondered if this rain would ever let up. It had driven since the month began, perhaps long enough to forget its purpose. It no longer even knew to assuage fire. Somewhere a zealous god threaded the strings between the clouds and the earth, preparing for a symphony it feared to be impossible to play. And so it threaded on, and on, delaying the raise of the conductor's baton.

How she hated this season. "April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain" (American sports legend, Charles Barkley).