Chapter 7: Inelegance

Byakuya felt a confusing mix of emotions as the sixth division door didn't just open, but nearly came off the hinges and Renji Abarai blew in through the door. Part of what he felt was relief. Awake was certainly better than unconscious…and an angry Renji was better than a shattered one, he decided. And anger in Renji was something he could handle flawlessly. He had been doing so for years.

But he felt other things too…and equally as strongly. Seeing Renji's chest heaving from the mere efforts of being furious, stomping down to the sixth division and practically taking the door off the hinges was unnerving. And seeing the furious face and the 'v' shaped opening in his uniform not decorated by the black markings, as well as the presence of the power dampening seals on his wrists was approaching frightening. And there wasn't just anger in the stormy brown eyes. Renji was hurt…and Byakuya knew, even without knowing exactly why, exactly whose fault it was. He was making mistakes…and if they were going to be a married couple, they would have to work through plenty of them…his and Renji's. So, Byakuya calmed his reiatsu, looked up dispassionately and tried to act as though they had never been in the spirit dimension at all.

"Is there a problem, Renji?"

Understatement usually spurred the redhead out of temperamental outbursts and straight into an explanation, a savings of both time and energy…

"Is there a problem?" Renji repeated sarcastically, "I'll say there's a problem! It's not enough that I get poofed to the spirit dimension and forced to give birth to the king and to marry you! I wake up just after giving birth, not knowing where the fuck I am…and you are nowhere to be found while I'm feeling like hell, don't know where the fuck I am. I'm having people telling me what to do…and refusing to let me do things for myself. I have some kid trying to wash my ass for me and offering me a massage and to ask you a fucking question or two has to be approved by your damned elders!"

Byakuya had long ago learned to sift through the foul language, attitude and words to see what was beneath it, but for some reason, he barely heard anything past when Renji had complained about being married to him. So, where he would have opened his mouth to reassure Renji that he had access if he wanted it, essentially anytime he wanted it, he only stared, something rising in his chest that felt like pain.

Unfortunately for both, Renji took his silence to mean something wholly different and it only increased his anger.

"Aren't you going to say something, Captain? Anything at all? I mean…shit…You seemed like a real person for a while there. In the spirit dimension, you were actually kinda decent…human, if you overlook the fact you knew everything and didn't say a damned thing to me about it. What's the matter? I don't have a say? My opinion doesn't mean shit and you don't want to deal with my emotional outbursts? Well, FUCK THAT! Fuck all of that!"

"Perhaps we should have some tea and talk about this calmly," Byakuya suggested.

Renji's eyes only flared hotter and Byakuya was surprised that, despite not enjoying being on the receiving end of that temper, he felt enamored of Renji's fighting spirit. It didn't matter that it was exploding right there in front of him and could possibly do him harm. Renji was, he suddenly realized, incredibly beautiful…and that beauty was quickly overtaking the noble's senses and threatening to make him speechless. And all at once, all of the things that had worked between them before weren't working. Renji was enraged and instead of being annoyed, Byakuya was strangely touched, affected, overtaken.

Why? Why do I feel this way? What is this?

"What did you say?" Renji said, the fury practically bleeding out of him, "What the hell did you say? You want to have tea and conversation? My life is in shambles around my fucking ears and you want to have TEA? What the hell is WRONG with you, Captain? Are you hearing anything I'm saying?"

"Y-you…you said that you were upset when you woke and I wasn't there. And that you didn't appreciate the environment you found yourself in," Byakuya said, hoping it would quell some of that anger if Renji knew that he was, in fact, listening.

He was taken by surprise at how little difference it seemed to make…

"Well, look who finally dug his head out of his paperwork and decided to pay attention!" Renji raged on, "Look, I know we don't have a choice about being married now. I get that. And I get that you're this high and mighty clan leader and I'm not good enough to lick the shit off your shoes. I get all of that. But why couldn't you ask me before having my apartment emptied and people replacing all of my clothes? I mean, I know my apartment sucks compared to your fucking mansion, my clothes aren't tailored and they have stains and my place is cluttered, but you can't just expect me to move right into your house and completely forget who I am!"

"I wasn't suggesting you should," Byakuya said, barely keeping the tremor out of his voice.

"You…what? No, I guess you weren't SUGGESTING. There was no suggesting about it! You just strong-armed your way into my life, turned it upside down and went back to your own fucking existence, as if none of it had happened!"

"I…" Byakuya said, his eyes widening, "What?"

"You had no right to just empty out my apartment like that! No right to look down on what I had…my things…just because they weren't tailored and pressed. That apartment was MY PLACE! The things in it belonged to me!" Renji yelled.

"Renji…I admit that I did send my servants to move your things out of your apartment, but…and…I did ask them to provide you with suitable attire for the manor, but…"

He stopped, wondering when he had stopped feeling like he was in control of the situation.

"But what?" Renji went on, "What argument could you possibly have for not even asking me? What?"

"You were unconscious…and we were going home. I thought that it might ease your transition if there were some familiar things around you."

Renji paused as the words spun in his head and processed for a moment.

"Look," he said, dropping into the chair beside Byakuya's desk, "maybe that's not a load of bullshit you're trying to feed me. Maybe you just don't 'get' me. I mean, we come from two very different worlds. But, come on! Put yourself in my shoes for a minute and tell me that you wouldn't be pissed if someone did this kinda shit to you!"

Byakuya looked into the heated brown eyes and thought carefully.

"I imagine that I would encounter many of the same emotions you are. That's why I left you alone."

"What?" Renji said, looking mystified.

"Renji…you were angry with me for nearly the entire time we were in the spirit dimension. You told me to stay away from you, and I did. But it only seemed to make you more angry. And when we came back, I thought you would want the same…for me to stay away from you. I was trying to do what you asked me to…"

Renji stared.

"You really thought that leaving me alone to face leaving my whole life behind was a good thing? Really? And look at you! You are living in the same house, dressed in the same clothes, with all of your servants doing everything for you. You have your powers…and your body still looks like the one you had before…and you don't feel like your guts are gonna fall out…So tell me, Captain, how in the fuck has any of this really affected you? Because from where I sit, I am the one who gave up everything…who has to learn to cope…whose life is changed beyond all recognition. I don't see that your life has changed at all. As long as you sweep me under the rug, keep me out of the way, things can go back to normal and you can forget that anything's changed, right? Do you hear me? Are you getting me now?"

Byakuya took a slow breath, both to maintain calm and to give him time for thought.

"I admit that you have been forced to make great changes in your life, Renji…and I apologize for acting in ways that made your transition more difficult. But you are wrong when you say that my life has not been affected. Just as you have made sacrifices to be with me, I have made sacrifices too."

Renji rolled his eyes.

"What? What kind of sacrifices? What, you have to tolerate my existence in your perfect mansion? You have to find a way to include me in your life without me causing too much trouble or making too much noise?"

"I am your spouse. That means…"

"It doesn't mean shit, Captain! We didn't want that…didn't choose it…and we aren't honoring it. It's a fucking joke…"

"I am willing to honor my role as your life partner, Renji."

Renji shrugged.

"How…by disappearing entirely and leaving me on my own to deal with everything?" he asked wearily.

Byakuya sighed.

"Gomen nasai, I was wrong to do that. I know that now. If you wish, I will come home with you and I would be happy to explain anything that makes you uncomfortable…and why things are in place the way they are…"

"But that won't make this a marriage, Captain," Renji said, the anger fading and his shoulders slumping, "We are just stuck with each other. We don't love each other and we're never going to. We can't complete ourselves by finding the right person, because we are fucking tied together at the soul and have no choices. Hell…I don't know about you, but I am really going to miss having sex…"

Byakuya swallowed hard.

"I will have sex with you, if you wish it," he said quietly.

Renji stared at him in surprise.

"Renji, we may not have chosen this…and I admit that I may not be able to please you the way someone else would…but when our souls were bound and I was married to you, it did mean something…and it did change my life, too. And if you wish for me to please you sexually, all you have to do is to ask."

"Really…" muttered the redhead, looking unconvinced, "Then prove it. Because I think you're just saying that because you think I won't take you up on it. I think this is a load of horse shit and you are lying through your teeth…"

Byakuya closed his eyes and let out a long, shivering breath. He reached up silently and removed the kenseiken from his hair, setting it down gently on the desk. His pale hands unwound the ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu and it joined the kenseiken. He came to his feet, his mind spinning as he slipped the haori off of his shoulders, then he looked into Renji's eyes.

"I may be a clan leader and a captain, but I am also your life partner. I will talk to you…listen to you…and I will meet your needs…be they basic, emotional or sexual. That is what being a life partner is."

Renji gazed into the dark, smoky eyes, still searching for a sign that he was bluffing…putting up a front…saying what Renji wanted to hear to prove a point. But Byakuya looked to him to be completely serious. Still…there was only one way to know for sure…

Renji reached out and took his hand, then turned and started towards the hallway. And just to make his point clear, he turned his life partner, not into the captain's quarters, but into his own smaller vice captain's quarters. Byakuya looked up at him in surprise for a moment, but then his eyes registered understanding and he stepped into Renji's room, shivering at the sound of the door closing behind him. He walked silently to the bed and stood, looking down at it, his heart pounding painfully at the thought of what was about to happen. Then suddenly, Renji was standing in front of him and he felt his mind freeze. The dark brown eyes held his…probing him…looking for any sign that he would not go through with it. Byakuya looked back with forced calm, while his emotions flared painfully beneath his skin. Renji moved closer, his hands moving to rest on each side of the noble's face. Renji's lips closed in on his and Byakuya closed his eyes, his breath shortening. He waited, but nothing happened.

"Open your eyes," Renji said in a low voice, "I want to know you're with me."

Byakuya forced his eyes open and warily met Renji's. The redhead moved forward and brought their lips together, fully expecting that Byakuya would pull away…or at least flinch…something to prove him right. But even though the noble's eyes held uncertainty, his mouth met Renji's firmly…and he didn't just allow the redhead to kiss him, he kissed back. Renji was surprised at how damned good it felt, to look into that pretty, placid face, those smoldering eyes and kiss him like that. It made him want more. And Renji decided that if he was to know the truth of Byakuya's intent, he had to continue. He pushed his tongue between Byakuya's startled lips and curled his tongue around the noble's, stroking it into submission, then moving on to explore the surprisingly sweet depths around it. Byakuya's eyes were closed again, but his body had lost the heavy tension that had been there before, and as Renji continued to kiss him, he leaned into the redhead's embrace, startling Renji and making him pull away in surprise. He stared for a moment, then decided to push things farther.

He reached for the tie at the noble's waist and felt his body tighten in response. He said nothing, however, and stood quietly as Renji slowly deprived him of piece after piece of his uniform…until Byakuya stood, naked and silent in front of a still, fully dressed Renji. He let his eyes run over that perfect, white body, feeling as he did how exposed and unnatural the noble felt. He was nearing his breaking point, Renji thought, so it was time to call Byakuya Kuchiki's bluff.

"Kneel."

Byakuya inhaled sharply.

Renji looked at the noble's stunned expression and shook his head.

"You can't do it, can you?" he asked, "It's all just a lie."

Byakuya stared back at him for several uncomfortable minutes, then slowly, so slowly it shocked Renji, he lowered himself onto his knees. Renji looked down at him, still aching to prove his point, but not sure he could say the words. He was being unusually cruel, but then, if Byakuya was bluffing, then the cruelty was needed to prove it. He took a breath to force the words out, then had his breath taken away as the noble's soft, shaking hands moved his clothing out of the way and the pristine, untried mouth wrapped around his cock. Now it was Renji's turn to freeze. He stared down at the kneeled form in front of him, the lovely fall of raven hair, the sweet, pliant lips that wrapped around his surprisingly responsive arousal. He felt the warm action of Byakuya's tongue against his shaft as he moved up and down that length repeatedly. The effect was overwhelming. Women had done this to Renji, but he hadn't expected that a man's mouth could be so perfect. He didn't know how having Byakuya do this was so different, only that it was…and that feeling of difference was surging through him, taking over, making him forget what he had come into his room to do. He reached down and dragged Byakuya away from his cock, then pushed him down onto the bed. Somehow, his clothes disappeared from his body and he brought himself down onto the noble's strong back, letting his head curl around one shoulder so he could taste that wonderful mouth again. He kissed that sweet mouth with bruising intensity, forcing his tongue inside again and devouring everything he found there. And while he was buried in Byakuya's mouth, he slid a hand down the noble's entrapped torso and wrapped it around his surprisingly thick and damp member. He heard Byakuya give a soft, almost frightened sounding moan and he began to thrust into Renji's hand.

Renji wasn't sure why, but the simple fact of Byakuya allowing this…kissing him back…kneeling at his feet…sucking him off like a whore and leaving himself completely open set off a reaction in his body…and all he wanted to do then was to take that last step, to bury his cock in that tight, perfect ass and claim it as his own.

He might never have been with a man before Byakuya, but he knew he had to be careful. He remembered well enough how it felt to be taken roughly, and the point wasn't to hurt Byakuya, but to push him to the point of admitting that he couldn't go through with it.

The problem was, it looked like Byakuya was telling the truth…

But Renji couldn't stand it anymore. It felt too damned good, sucking on Byakuya's mouth, pumping his cock and listening to the growing sounds of pleasure. He wet his fingers in the noble's mouth and slowly pushed one inside him. He figured that once Byakuya realized he was going to go all of the way, he would break down, apologize…admit that Renji had been right and that he didn't see their marriage as being 'real.' But as Renji carefully prepared him, Byakuya rested calmly beneath him, not making a sound now, but shaking softly. Renji wondered if he should stop and force Byakuya to admit everything, but stopping would give the noble a chance to deny it. No…he had to take Byakuya.

He pushed the noble's legs apart and moved into position, aware now that his breathing was short and erratic, and his body was shivering uncontrollably. He pushed in slowly, to be sure he wouldn't cause unnecessary pain, but felt the body beneath his tighten and heard a soft, pained cry. He rested on Byakuya's back, his face buried in sakura scented hair until the heavy trembling calmed and the tightness around his cock eased. He began thrusting slowly, continuing to run his hand up and down the noble's length, listening to the soft, half hidden sounds he made and feeling unexpectedly touched that he was really reaching Byakuya now. His doubts were beginning to fall away and with every thrust, he grew in confidence that somehow…somehow things would be all right between them. He shifted the angle of his body and tightened his hand around Byakuya's length, thrusting in as deeply as he could and feeling the sudden shock of pleasure that raked the body underneath his as Renji's cock found the bundle of sensitive nerves inside and struck that place hard and fast. Byakuya's body quivered and Renji heard a choked sob of pleasure as warm fluid pulsed out onto his hand. He held himself inside Byakuya's body, sending his own hot release into the noble's core, then he fell against his back, feeling weak as a baby and relieved of much of his anger…and…guilty.

Byakuya lay beneath him, having already caught his breath. He said nothing and was looking away from Renji. And Renji realized then that Byakuya had been telling the truth when he said that their union was a life partnership and that he was willing to make changes and sacrifices too. And suddenly Renji was confused…

He slid out of Byakuya's body and stood. Byakuya didn't move, but simply remained lying on his stomach with his head turned…and Renji could see the flush on his skin.

Damn…so much for him being a liar…and so much for not hurting him…

And then he didn't think he could get away fast enough. He dressed quickly and walked to the door. He didn't look back. He didn't want to see.

"All right," he said quietly, "I believe you. And don't worry. I won't make you do that again. I just needed to know that you meant what you said. I'm going down the street to have a quick drink and I'll see you at home, then. I think we really need to talk about this. Being married is going to be complicated."

He walked out with every intention of not going back. He ignored the soft, clipped sob that sounded as he closed the door behind him. He got halfway down the street before his conscience got the best of him and he turned back. But when he got back to his room, he found it empty. And he wasn't in the captain's quarters. Renji went back and sat down on the bed in his quarters, feeling the warmth where Byakuya's body had lain. He noticed something odd about the pillow and looked closer.

Tears? I hurt him that badly? Oh kami, what the fuck did I just do?

A sick feeling welled up inside him and he ran to the bathroom, retching until there was nothing left inside him. He knelt on the floor, trying to remember the last expression he saw on the noble's face.

He was scared. I made Byakuya Kuchiki scared. And then I hurt him…and the funny, sick joke in all of this is that I was afraid he was going to hurt me! Oh shit…shit…shit…

He forced himself onto his feet and ran out of the sixth division. He wasn't sure where Byakuya would go, but he figured it would be best to start at the manor. He realized as he ran that he had seen most of Byakuya's clothes still in his quarters, which meant that Byakuya was running…wherever…in nothing but a thin, white yukata…and bare feet.

Impossible…

He reached the manor and yelled for Michio.

"He…he came through here just a minute ago," the pale faced servant said, "He went through the gardens and out the back gate, towards the family cemetery."

And suddenly, sickness raked Renji again.

Oh holy shit! I should have known…

He passed Torio without a word and skidded to a stop, staring at the ungodly sight of Byakuya lying facedown on his wife's grave, silent sobs shaking him from end to end. He felt numbness taking over inside.

I was stupid to think for a moment that this was going to work. He doesn't want me and he never will. He's still mourning her…and he'll just keep on like that, because that's what you do when you love someone and they die and leave you…

Renji couldn't stand to see it anymore. He turned and walked back to the manor with Michio at his side, quietly allowed himself to be bathed and put back to bed, then he cried himself to sleep like a baby.

We're not going to make it. We can't make this work…

XXXXXXXXXX

Byakuya lay on Hisana's grave, the heat of Renji's release still burning inside him.

It felt so good…so damned good, but it's wrong…it is. I thought I loved you. When we were married, I promised to always love you. I promised to love you above all others, and I have never been tempted to think anyone else could reach my heart. But I know what I just felt. I wanted to feel anger…distance…numbness. But instead I feel full…complete, like all of a sudden I'm alive again and I can breathe after letting myself fall into death beside you, Hisana. And it doesn't mean I love you any less. It's like what you said before you died and left me…that there would be someone to take the weight of loneliness away…that just as I came into your life, picked you up off the ground and rescued you from Inuzuri, someone would rescue me from my grief. You were right, Hisana. There is still hope. Love didn't die with you…it still exists…and I am starting to feel it again. But I keep making mistakes. I don't know what to do to make things right. I thought giving in to him like that would make him less angry, would make him want to…I don't know…but all it did was make us both more confused. He went off to drown his sorrows and all I can think of is that I've failed both Renji and you. Hisana I've never needed you like this. I need to know what you think I should do. Tell me what to do, because I don't know anymore…

Byakuya felt a raindrop strike his half-turned face and felt sudden understanding. And abandoning every last bit of his pride, he surrendered to tears completely.