A few of you might not like this chapter but I had to incorporate it now to go with the story line in the show.
It was a bit after 10 and Henry and Jack were curled up on Rossi's couch with Morgan, Reid, Beth and Blake watching a movie when Hotch came over to me
"Hey JJ, how are you feeling?" he asked, sitting a cup of hot chocolate that Penelope had made in front of me
"A lot better now that I'm surrounded by all of you, Henry is good and everything but being surrounded by the whole family and with you all knowing what happened, it just makes me feel safer" I said putting a couple of marshmallows into my drink
"That's good, how is Henry dealing with it all? It must've been pretty scary for him to go into protection for those few hours"
"I think he's ok. He was more scared that I didn't come and get him from Wills when I was supposed to. He's been really helpful and I think me telling him a story has helped calm him down"
"Ok, he's a very smart boy, so much like his god father" Hotch smiled and looked over to them, Henry curled into Reid's side
"Yea, how about him and Jack coming out with them wanting to be profilers. As much as I love my job I don't want them to see what we do" Hotch nodded
"True, but it's kind of sweet them wanting to be like us, help save the next generation from the bad guys. They'll both probably be smarter and better at it than us, growing up surrounded by our little family we got going on" he smiled
"Well then, future UnSubs better look out with them two out there" I laughed and curled my hands around my mug
"Can I ask you something JJ?" Hotch asked, his voice getting serious and I nod "How come you're telling Henry the whole story? Why didn't you just make it about 2 princesses and living happily ever after? Why tell him the whole story?"
"I want to get her back and if I do then I want Henry to know that it's something real and something I want. I don't want it to be awkward if his Aunty Emmy starts sleeping in his Mommies room" I said hopefully
"Is that the real reason?" he asked all Agent Hotchner Unit Chief of the BAU like
"Damn I hate profilers" I laugh
"You can't say that anymore, you're one now too" he laughs back then looks at me seriously
"I don't know Hotch, I had just gotten back from the bar after the day with Hastings and my mind was filled with Emily and when Henry asked for a story it just started coming out and he wanted to keep hearing it and I wanted to keep telling it. I do want her back though Hotch, I just don't know how to go about it. She's on the other side of the world and she doesn't answer me unless it's to either talk to Henry or talk about you guys. We can never seem to get it right. I did tell her that I'm still in love with her, have been for 9 years, think I always will be" I said finishing off my hot chocolate and placing it on the table
"I think you should ring her, right now, talk to her. If anyone you should know about how short life can be it's us. Go talk to her, I'll put Henry to bed at the end of the movie when I take Jack up. Just tell her how you feel and if it comes to it we can always use another profiler" he smiles and pats my knee and walks off. I pull out my phone and scroll down to Emily's name and I debate about whether or not to call. I think back to the time everything fell apart, from that moment on we never really seemed to work things out.
**Flashback**
"Emily Prentiss open this God damn door now!" I yelled after knocking on her door for the last 20 minutes. I had followed her home so I knew she was in there. To say I was pissed was an understatement. Things had been going so well in our relationship, sure it had only been a month but it was, we would go out on dates, go for walks, relax and cuddle, we slept together almost every night but haven't actually slept together. Emily was the biggest romantic and every time I would talk to or see her or even think about her I would get butterflies and the biggest goofiest grin and I thought we were heading somewhere real but then she goes and does something like quit her job without telling me or why. Hotch had filled us in once we got back to the BAU while Emily had gone to see Garcia, told us how she quit so she didn't have to be a mole for Strauss, so she could protect the team. I banged harder on the door "Emily please, I'm not angry at you for the reason you think, I don't care about what Strauss asked you to do, I don't care that you quit all I care about is you, about us. I care about how you are doing and feeling, I care about your head, I care about why you didn't feel like you could confide in me, I care about the fact that we haven't talked unless it was about the case. I just care about you Emily Prentiss, so please let me in so we can talk." I could hear her shuffling around inside and I saw her shadow under the door but just as my heart started to feel with hope the shadow moved away and I heard her turn the music on and I knew she wasn't going to let me in no matter what I say. As I felt and heard my heart break into a million pieces I placed my Palm against the door and whispered "I love you Emily" then turned and walked towards the elevator, tears rushing down my face.
I knocked on the door and waited for an answer, it had been a couple of hours since leaving Emily's and after walking around aimlessly, my tears all dried up and my eyes red rimmed I found my way here. When the door finally opened I looked up into my best friends eyes and lunged into her arms
"Jayje what's wrong?" Garcia said, her voice filled with concern and the tears that I thought had all gone started flowing freely again
"She doesn't love me Pen, I thought she did, but if she did she would've trusted me, she would've told me what was going on and she wouldn't have let me stand outside her door for half an hour yelling and crying" I sobbed as I was led to the couch
"Oh that's not true sweetie, she loves you but you know Emily, she probably just wants to deal with this alone, compartmentalize it" she tried reassuring me, rubbing her hand up and down my back as I clung to her
"No Penelope, you weren't there, she knew I was on the other side of the door and instead of being a grown up and talk it out she acted like a child and turned her music up just so she couldn't hear me beg for her. I just guess she wasn't the woman I thought she was" I had stopped crying by now, but still holding onto Garcia "I think we're over, unless she has a really good explanation for why she did that I don't think I could forgive her" I got up and made my way to the kitchen and pulled out the vodka that I knew was stashed away and poured 4 shots and downing them one after the other, too emotionally raw to even feel the burn in my throat. I was about to pour another 4 when Garcia came over and grabbed the bottle
"You don't need this now my sweets, what you need is to get some sleep. This case was rough and to top it off with tonight you're physically and emotionally exhausted. We'll talk more tomorrow but tonight you're bunking with me." She dragged me to her room and I just sat on her bed as she took off my shoes, pants and shirt, leaving me in my tank and panties and threw a pair of sweats at me. After I put them on I climbed into her bed and curled up, the last thought running through my mind before I fell asleep was wondering what tomorrow would bring.
Lucky for me the next morning I had a meeting with Strauss, budget crap and case load management, so I didn't have to see Emily first up. It was a bit after 11 when I finally stepped off the elevator and was on my way to the break room for a much needed coffee when I first heard the yelling coming from Garcia's office and I stopped dead in my tracks
"What the hell is going on with you Emily? Don't you know how much you hurt her?" Garcia said louder than she should
"Drop it Garcia" Emily snapped back angrily
"No, she's my best friend and she rocked up at my house a mess last night"
"Just leave it, now get out of my way!" Emily yelled in full Agent Prentiss mode
"Not until you tell me what's going on" Garcia said in a lower voice, hoping to calm Emily down
"Look Pen you know I love you but right now I'm not ready to talk and when I am I promise to come talk to you." I heard Emily say and I quickly turned on my heels and started back towards the break room. I managed to get my coffee without incident and had almost made it to my office before I saw her out of the corner of my eye, my breath caught in my throat, my heart hurt, tears started forming and I almost dropped my coffee and the files I was holding when my knees threatened to give out. She had stopped walking and was looking directly at me, she looked about as worse as I did but had her Agent Prentiss mask on and I couldn't see any emotion in her eyes, before she could say or do anything I turned into my office, shutting and locking the door and closing the blinds, my international sign of leave me alone, that everyone knew not to interrupt me. I had piles and piles of files to go through and keep my mind off my personal life. One thing Emily and I had both agreed on was keeping our relationship out of the office, back when we said it we thought it would mean no kissing or anything not arguing and fighting. So I locked myself in my office, getting through more files than usual and leaving only to get lunch or more coffee then when I went home.
By the time I had walked through my front door I was exhausted, my Agent Jareau mask can only stay on for so long before it falls off and falls off hard and fast. I picked up the mail off the floor and threw them onto the table along with my keys, badge, gun and purse, I poured a large glass of wine and was about to go sit on the couch when an envelope and a certain cursive handwriting caught my eye, I grabbed it and made my way over to the sofa and after a big gulp of wine I opened it, tears flooding my eyes after I read the first sentence
My Jennifer
I need to apologize for leaving you outside my apartment and not telling you what was going on. I know it may even be a stretch getting you to read this but please hear me out.
Strauss came to me a few months ago wanting me to pass information on about the team and no matter how much I tried to tell her that I wouldn't do it she didn't listen, she threatened my job and all of yours but I still wouldn't. After the case with Frank she really came down on me and I just couldn't take it anymore, I had decided to quit then but then things between you and I started blossoming and I put it off because I didn't want to leave you. After the case in Arizona, our first date case, she made it clear that I had one month to give her information or Hotch would be fired and during that month with all of that weighing me down you came along and helped me lift it without even realising it.
There are two main apologies I want to make in this letter and they are 1. I am so sorry that I never told you about what was going on with Strauss. I know you would never had of judged me and I know you never would've believed that I came onto the team to be a mole voluntary but the fact that that was the whole reason I was on the team hurt me and doubt about my talent doing this job started to niggle away at me. The 2nd apology is how very sorry I am for leaving you out in the hallway and I understand if you never want to forgive me for that, especially because I don't even forgive myself for that but I knew that if I had let you in that night we would've said worse things to each other and I can't stand to see you hurt and knowing that I would've made you feel like that probably would've killed me. I'm not making excuses but I thought you would like to understand my reason for doing so.
The next part of this letter feels like I'm ripping my heart out but it needs to be done. We must go on a break Jennifer, not because I don't love you but because I do so much. With Strauss breathing down my neck I would hate for her to find out about us and I know to get back at me she would transfer or fire you and I can't let that happen. She would take you away from our little family all because of me and I know you're thinking now that as long as we are together it doesn't matter but it does, not only would you resent me in the long run but so will the team and even myself. You are amazing at your job and no one could do what you do, it's one of the reasons I fell in love with you, which is why for now we must take a break. I know you will be angry and heartbroken at this but I also know that once you have thought about this that it's for the best. At least this way we can still each other every day and work together and as much as it will hurt to start with I just hope it doesn't so much one day. When you have thought about everything I've said and are ready to talk please let me know.
I do love you Jennifer Jareau. One day our time will come and we can finally be happy.
Love Em x
P.s I'm sorry I said all this in a letter but I know if we were to say it in person I would never have got everything I needed to say out.
I read it another 10 times before I fell asleep on the couch curled up in a ball, clutching the letter.
**End Flashback**
