What the F*k is Going on?

Ava held the baby in the sling, carrying four bottles of water, waiting in line at the convenience store. There was a hole in her stomach, her heart twinged a bit, and there were beginnings of tears. Why was she feeling this way? She shouldn't be! This was her friend...who she married! Everything was so fucking confusing. Still, it was better than marrying some stranger. Thank God!

Sure, they talked like they usually did and got to know some things about each other. When Stu said he was going to marry Melissa, she envisioned how miserable he would be. And he was pissed at her because she told him her opinion? Fuck it! If he wanted her advice, he could take it or shove it. Ava cared about him and didn't want Stu to be unhappy. Stu was a sweet man who deserved to be loved. He deserved better than Melissa...better than...

Herself.

Hurtful as it was to hear, that was reality. The marriage was a mistake. A stupid, drunken mistake. They probably would've been terrible spouses since they were two completely different people. Sure, they talked a lot, got along well and had a few things in common. Yet, she couldn't imagine being his wife: Stu was clean and neat, Ava was messy and chaotic. Stu was a well-educated dentist. Ava was a college dropout that worked as a bartender, partied and played roller derby. Everything at his house was neat, expensive, and boring.

Yet, Stu certainly wasn't boring. Dorky, shy, a bit of an uptight pussy at times, yes.

What was with her? She couldn't help but feel strange feelings for him...it was like the time she fell in love with her first boyfriend, Dave Cotis. After him, it was another boyfriend and a few to follow...yet, all of them, cheated, leaving her devastated. She felt there was no point in falling in love anymore. Maybe she kissed enough toads...and found her Prince...or...was he?

Perhaps Stu...could be...if he didn't have Melissa. There was no way he would just leave her. She didn't understand why he was going to marry her anyway. Why would Stu marry such an evil, cheating bitch?

But...why did she feel this way about Stu? She remembered when they kissed at Three Angry Wives...the first time, she was just teasing him. The second time, it was...real. It felt right. She even recalled the connection, chemistry...unable to resist Stu. How passionate he was. How sweet he was. Having sex with him was also...different.

Jesus! What the fuck was going on?!

She walked back to the parking lot, she could see the boys arguing and Stu was having a hissy fit, smashing a mug on the ground...


Phil and Alan walked out, carrying the boxes. Eddie agreed to give them as much time as they wanted to do the annulment, handing them the paperwork. They found Stu, hands in his hair, flustered and cursing to himself.

"Dude, where's Ava?" asked Phil.

"She went across the street to get some things," Stu said.

"Everything OK, Stu?" asked Alan, seeing Stu really tense like he was about to explode.

"Fine, everything's fine," he said, trying to stay calm.

"Did you talk to Ava?" asked Phil.

"Yea," Stu replied with sarcasm. "And everything is just great! Just FUCKING great! I think we should just torch the cop car with all this shit in it!"

"Torch it?" Phil said, incredulous. "Seriously, who the fuck are you, man?"

"I dunno, Phil," he said. "Apparently, I'm a guy who marries his best friend's sister, who by the way gave me wonderful advice on love and life...and has absolutely no idea how I feel about her. This whole situation is completely fucked!" In an outburst of rage, he grabbed a mug and threw it on the ground, smashing it. "This mug! This hat!" He ripped the hat off of Alan's head, who yelled 'hey!' and threw it on the ground. "This FUCKING car! It's all evidence of a night that never should have happened! That is why we're torching it!"

"Dude, I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not going to torch a fucking cop car!" Phil said. "I have a family. I'm a teacher."

"Well, then, I'll do it!" Stu stated.

"What's going on here?" Ava asked, very confused.

"Well, your husband is having another psychotic panic attack," Phil said, dripping with irony.

This situation was upsetting enough as it is. She had a feeling that Phil would probably poke the sleeping bear. Alan would probably open his big stupid mouth.

"OK," Ava declared. "I would prefer if you didn't call us husband and wife."

"But you guys are," said Alan, stating the obvious.

"ALAN, SHUT UP!" Stu and Ava said.

"I'm going to say this right now and only once. So clean out your ears and pay attention," she began, glaring at Alan. "We are not to speak of this marriage from here on out. So I suggest you refrain from teasing, asking questions, and keep your opinions to yourself about the subject. Also, we are not going to tell anyone about this. Not to Doug. Not to Melissa. No one! What happens with this is between Stu and I. It's nobody's business. All I'm going to say is Stu and I have made a decision, but it's for us to know. We will gladly share it with you when we want to."

"Thank you, Ava!" Stu said, relieved to hear this.

"You're welcome, Stu," she answered. "And if any of you breathe a word about this again, I will personally fuck you up beyond all recognition. Do we agree?'

"OK, psycho," Phil said. "Fine. We won't say anything."

"Good. Now, let's just focus on finding Doug so we can go home," Ava asked. "Did you find anything else out while you were inside?"

Alan and Phil filled her in on the details so far: Eddie told them that the blonde girl in the picture was named Jade; she had signed the marriage license as a witness. She worked in a strip club just next door and was the mother of the baby.

They proceeded to next door. It was seedy looking place with a catwalk stage with poles and lights were dim yellow. Stools at the bar and the stage, small tables and chairs with long legs. Skimpy clad waitresses sashayed throughout the place, a bartender behind the bar, and huge muscled bouncers were in the room.

"Um...excuse me?" Ava asked a passing waitress.

"Are you Cherry Girl?" said the waitress. "Man! You really impressed the boss last night. He wants you to come back and do another show."

"Um...OK. Actually, we're looking for someone who works here. Do you know Jade?"

"Sure, honey. Oh! You have Tyler, her baby! Glad to see he's safe and sound. I could call her and let her know."

"Actually, do you know where she lives by any chance? We'd like to bring him there ourselves."

"I don't, but the boss does. I can take you to him. Right this way."

She led them to the back office; the hallway was dirty and had two bathrooms and a locker room all the way in the back. The waitress knocked on the door to her boss's office. There was a balding, creepy looking guy sitting at a tiny desk.

"Hey! Cherry Girl!" he greeted, his teeth really grey and yellow, smiling lecherously. "Bob McGay. Glad you're here. I'm telling you...you're the talk of the club ever since you did your little act on YouTube."

Fuck! Stu thought. He forgot about that. He was praying that Melissa never saw that video.

Then, Mr. McGay looked Ava over with perverted, watery eyes. "I gotta say, Cherry, you're an exotic beauty: dark hair, blue eyes...the guys must go crazy for you. You got a nice body: no stretch marks, no C-section scars...nice and tight! Nice tits and ass, great legs! How you danced, you know how to work it. You should be a dancer and work for me. Do a special show. Get clients up on stage with your little cherry trick."

"Um...sure..." Ava said, uneasy. Gross. "Um, sir. We're actually looking for someone named Jade."

"Jade, yea. She was here last night with your gentleman friends."

"Do you remember this guy?" she asked, pulling out her iPhone with a picture of her and Doug.

"Definately. Anyway, Jade left with you for a short while and then came back around to finish her shift."

"Could you give us her address? We'd like to bring her baby back."

"Sure thing, Cherry...if you promise to do another show for me..."

"I'll think about it," she said. "I'll give you a call tonight about my answer."

Mr. McGay gave them the address. The four of them darted out of there very quickly. Ava was ever so glad to get out of there. She wanted to take a shower after being in there. She could feel that creep's breath just all over her skin. Gross!

"You're not seriously going to do that?" Stu said.

"Fuck, no!" Ava said, shuddering. "That guy was a total creep! Let's just get the fuck out of here before he comes after me."

"Agreed." Stu looked over at Ava. "About what I said earlier...I'm sorry for...snapping at you."

Typical Stu! Always apologizing for his actions. It was a bit annoying, but still...at least he admitted his wrongs. She wished he wouldn't do it so much. There were times that he apologized when he didn't do anything wrong. Jesus! He always did it with Melissa. Yet, Stu always seemed to repress his feelings, especially anger. Maybe because of what was happening, his true colors were coming forward...three years of suppressed rage because his girlfriend kept him down.

"Let's just forget about it, Stu," she said. "Things have been pretty crazy."

"Yea," he said, quietly. "I wish this shit would just end."

"Me too. Maybe we'll go back to the hotel and...take a shower...not together, I mean..."

Stu smiled. "No. I...guess I could use one too. It would be...relaxing."

The idea did sound nice after all this craziness, being in the hot Las Vegas sun...filthy from the night before and in the same clothes he woke up in. He probably smelled too. He would like to sleep a bit. Although...Ava...here in Vegas...in the shower with him...hmm...maybe? Would she? Stu felt drawn to Ava...like a magnet to metal, a moth to the flame...he wanted to kiss her, but maybe it wasn't a good time. They had gone through so much. No. He shouldn't. It was awkward enough that they found out they got married. He didn't want to make anything worse.

They approached the cop car when a phone rang and the four of them all jumped, pawing at their pockets.

"Doug!" they all exclaimed.

Surely, Doug was looking for them as well as they were. The ringing was coming from Stu's pocket. Stu looked at his phone and saw the number, groaning. He was probably in deep shit now...Melissa had seen the video.

"It's Melissa," Stu announced.

"Don't answer it!" Phil ordered.

"I have to! She's called twice already!" he snapped through his grit teeth. Then, he pressed the button to answer it, speaking in his normal Stu voice, "Hey, sweetheart, how are you?"

"There you are," said Melissa's voice. "This is the third time I'm trying you...only to have that whore answer the phone." Stu braced himself, ready for a tongue-lashing from her about the video. "Did you fuck her?" she hissed, venomously. "You will not be allowed to come home if you touched that disease-ridden slut!"

OK. She hadn't seen the video...for now...

"No, no! We accidentally switched phones," Stu stammered, searching for an excuse that would be believable. "I had to drive back to Sacramento and get it back from her."

Ava rolled her eyes, exasperated. Always making excuses to avoid confrontation with that evil she-beast.

"So, how was it last night?" asked Melissa.

"Eh...actually it's kind of quiet..." Stu said. "The signal is crazy out here...I think it's from all the sequoia trees..."

"Ugh, I hate that!"

Ava made stupid faces, mocking Melissa on the phone, making Alan and Phil snigger. They climbed into the car.

"I dare you," Phil whispered.

Ava knew what he meant. Aside from the fact Stu was ticklish, she always teased him whenever he was on the phone with the She-Bitch. With a impish smirk, Ava poked him in the ribs and gave him a wet willy. Alan and Phil were sniggering as they watched from the front seat. Then, she caressed his ear with a lock of hair from her bangs, tickling him.

"Would you stop that!" he whispered.

"I'm not doing anything, honey," she giggled, innocently.

"Who was that?" Melissa said, suspiciously.

"No one. Just some tourists near me...on their honeymoon. We're learning all kinds of vino factoids."

"Really? That's nice," Melissa said.

Stu prattled on and on about the fake vineyard and what they were doing, making excuses about the reception. So lame! Suddenly, an orange car parked behind them, blocking their path and two very angry Asian thugs approached them with baseball bats in hand. Phil locked the car doors. Ava had to admit she was scared.

"Let's go! Out of the car!" yelled one of them, banging on the hood.

"Who's that?" Melissa said, suspicious.

"They just started up the tractor," Stu said, fumbling. "I think it backfired."

"WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!" shouted another one.

"Hey! Hey!" Phil said, holding his hands up. "Take it easy! We're looking for the same guy!"

Soon, one of them smashed the windshield with the bat, making Phil yell loudly. The baby started crying and Ava screamed.

"What the fuck, Stu?! Is that a baby?" Melissa snapped. "Who the fuck screamed?"

"No, no!" Stu said, weakly, trying to find more excuses to cover this up. "We-we're at a winery! It's a goat."

"WHERE IS HE?!" yelled the thug.

"Uh...sir could you start the tractor?" Stu said. "So we could get out of here?"

"I would!" Phil said, sarcastically. "But we're fucking blocked."

Another smashed the windshield. The baby cried louder. Melissa was screaming through the speaker, demanding answers of what was going on.

"FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES!" Ava yelled at the thugs. "LEAVE THEM ALONE! THERE'S A BABY HERE!"

"Bitch, I'll fuck you up!" said one of them. "GET OUT OF THE CAR!"

"Someone just said baby!" Melissa said.

"Yea...it's a baby goat..." Stu fumbled.

Goddammit! Just hang up the fucking phone! Ava wanted to screamed.

Suddenly Eddie came out with a shot gun to scare off the thugs. The Asian thugs brandished their own guns, pointing at the car.

"Phil, he's got a gun!" Alan panicked.

"No shit he's got a gun!" yelled Phil.

In the mingle of all the noise, Ava fumbled through her purse, looking for something to get the thugs away from the car. She found a small can of pepper spray. She shoved Phil out of the way and pressed the button, spraying the closest thug who screamed in pain.

"FUCKING BITCH!" he yelled, twitching and clawing his eyes.

"GO, PHIL!" Ava shouted. "GO!"

Phil shifted the car into drive, running over one of the thug's foot and a shot rang out. Ava leaped onto Stu, screaming and hugging him tightly. Phil stepped on the gas, smashing the other cars and a bus stop, driving out into the boulevard, hearing angry honking from cars behind him. The baby and Ava were both crying. Stu calmed the baby down.

"Hey, hey," Stu said, softly, stroking Ava's hair. "It's OK. It's over now. We're safe." Then he screamed, "What the FUCK is going on?!"

"I don't know!" Phil exclaimed, shaking. "We've got to calm down, Stu, and find out."

Stu's phone rang and saw it was Melissa's number.

"Just let it go to voice mail," Phil said

Stu sarcastically laughed. "No shit, dumb ass! And by the way, that was a fake laugh!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" Phil spat angrily.

"Would you boys shut the FUCK up?" Ava yelled. "We need to stop arguing and find Doug. We're wasting time."

They were quiet the whole car ride, trying to compose themselves over what happened. What exactly was that all about? Who were those thugs talking about? What the fuck was going on? The boys thanked Ava for saving them.

Ava sat quietly in the seat, hugging her knees. She wished Doug was here. He'd know what to do. Doug always looked out for her when they were kids. She wished she could've been a better sister to him. He took her in when she had nowhere else to go. Mom and Dad refused to let her come home after she dropped out of college, insisting that she give up her dream of playing roller derby. They cut off her money and she was forced to get a job as a bartender at one of her teammate's bar. The money was fine, but not enough for her to live on her own. Now that her brother was getting married, she would be homeless again. She felt she couldn't be a burden on Doug by staying there now that Tracy was going to be living there full time.

She promised herself that she would be gone once Doug and Tracy came back from their honeymoon...that is...if there was going to be a wedding...

"Hey," said Stu, seeing how quiet Ava was. "Are you alright?"

"No," she said. "I wish Doug was here. I only lost Doug once...when we were ten. We were at the fall carnival...and we went into the corn maze. Only, I lost him because there were so many people there. I didn't know how to get out...and I was scared without Doug. I waited in there for almost three hours. He found me...it turns out the douche was hiding in the cornfield and was waiting to scare me."

Stu laughed. "Yea...I remember that. I'm sure we'll find him. I know you're worried about him. I want to find him too."

"What do you think he would think of all this...if he were here?"

"Probably how crazy this shit is...we are..."

She nodded quietly. "Fuck...if something happened...that was scary, Stu. I though we were going to die."

"I know...I was scared too...I'm glad you...did that."

"You're welcome," Ava said, her eyes teary.