How can I tell you or dad who I really am- as much as I would like to change this certain aspect of my life, I can't. Believe me, if I could I would have for I know how truly disturbing and frowned upon it is; I'm gay. I like guys, and I think I always have. I tried to ignore it, I tried to see girls the way I see guys; I know if you were here with me you'd think I was a sick, twisted individual... don't worry I feel the exact same way about myself. Maybe I should just run away again, into the horizon where no one would ever find me. But I can't change, I couldn't even if I tried- is it bad and disgusting that I don't want to? It's a part of me, it's who I am. I'm gay. Do you still love me?

I read over that paragraph twice, a third time and a forth, trying to take in the words "I'm gay"... he isn't gay, is he? He- would have said something, it's a sin to be gay, it's wrong, it's foul, God made a woman and a man for a reason, to reproduce, to have children and create the next generation...

I came across the letter in question when I was packing away the clothes I had just folded into his drawer. The fairly thick letter was peeking out under his jeans, and- I couldn't help it, I read it, well up until the point of "I'm gay."

A persistent ringing brought me out of my stupor, I raced for the phone.

"Hello?"

"Is this the Curtis residence?"

"Ah yes, who is this?"

"This is Tom Griffin calling from Tulsa High School -"

"Oh Mr Griffin, is everything alright?"

"I just thought you'd like to know that Ponyboy has not shown up to any of his classes today, I was just checking in to make sure that everything was okay?" That. Little. Brat.

"Oh yes, sir, Pony wasn't feeling very well today so I gave him the day off."

"That is not the only reason I have rung today Mr Curtis... Even though Ponyboy has been tremendous in his classes, his teachers have reported that he seems quiet, not like his usual self. I would just like to recommend that he sees the school's psychologist. This isn't unusual; after all he has lost his parent's this past year- I just want you to think about it."

"I'll take it into consideration, thank you for calling me, sir." Hanging up I huffed, that boy wouldn't be sitting right for a month! I clenched my teeth, I was seething in anger, the joy from my boss giving me a permanent job went right out the window; the thing that was irking me the most was what I was angrier about, Ponyboy's sexual preference or the fact that he did skip school.

I bit my lip as I picked up the letter one more time, to read the whole thing. At this point I didn't care if I was invading his privacy.

I miss you.

How can I tell you or dad who I really am- as much as I would like to change this certain aspect of my life, I can't. Believe me, if I could I would have for I know how truly disturbing and frowned upon it is; I'm gay. I like guys, and I think I always have. I tried to ignore it, I tried to see girls the way I see guys; I know if you were here with me you'd think I was a sick, twisted individual... don't worry I feel the exact same way about myself. Maybe I should just run away again, into the horizon where no one would ever find me. But I can't change, I couldn't even if I tried- is it bad and disgusting that I don't want to? It's a part of me, it's who I am. I'm gay. Do you still love me?

I spend every single day trying to pretend that I am okay, I spend every day fooling Darry and Soda, and maybe I should tell them how I feel, but they already have enough on their plate; Soda with work, Darry who's trying to work 2 jobs, pay for bills that keep on piling up and keeping me and the gang out of trouble (that's a full time job on its own). How can I tell them something that will severely disappoint them to no end?

Since the day you left us, I haven't been able to shed a tear- I had to be strong for Soda, and for Darry who had, had his whole entire life ahead of him- he had to drop it on the account of us. I know for a fact that he'd be over in SocVille making something of himself as a great footballer. I'm proud of him, and maybe I don't tell him this enough but I love him. I love him because he never gave up on us, even when he could drop me and Soda off at a boys home, he held on to us and said he'd never do that.

Why does god, or whoever the hell is up there keep throwing all of these hardships at him? Why does God want to see his age wearing thin to the point of disregard? What he really needs is a day to himself, a day to be young again, a day to party, to watch a movie, to read a good book, to go on a date with a girl with no worries on his mind about how he is going to get us through the next week of bills. Soda sure is a great help as well, ever since he started working full time at the DX.

Speaking of Soda, he is getting better- he no longer cries in his sleep because of Sandy. He seems almost normal, but, at his loneliest of moments I see the glimmer of reminiscence in his eyes as he goes back to the moments he felt truly at ease and peace with his life. I think that forced smile is actually becoming real again- and about time too, it's been almost 5 months since he found out she was pregnant and she was leaving him.

The gang is doing better, Johnny has healed and so has Dallas, Two-Bit is still getting into the same ol' trouble, Dally is getting in the same fights with the same people (namely Tim). Steve is still being Steve and is on and off with Evie, Johnny is still battered on the inside from what his parent's do to him (and what they don't do).

All in all, what I know from each of us is that we still miss you. Every single day of our life; we still feel your presence, well at least I know I do. I can still remember your voice, mama, when I'm sick and bed ridden. You're looking down at me with soft, sad and eyes filled with incredulous looks of love as you tell me that I will feel better soon, I can still remember your hugs and your words of encouragement and pride when I get A's and your warm smile when I bring home a c+ average, telling me I will do even better next time.

I love you.

I had to find him. And right away.