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Chapter Seven

"How are you doing?" Eric asked as they spoke on the phone one night and Sookie laughed.

"Great, how are you?"

"You know what I meant," he rolled his eyes but smiled into his wine.

"Yeah." There was a pause. "Yeah. I don't know."

"You don't know?" That sounded highly improbable; Sookie always analyzed the shit out of everything.

"I'm good."

"I don't believe you." She probably wasn't even expressing any vulnerability at all, trapped as she was in the role of strong parent. Eric was tempted to fly back out, just to see her again.

"I miss him," Sookie whispered after a long pause. "I miss what he was to me, and what… his presence meant. And Valentine's Day was tough too. But I hate that he's tainted all these memories because now I know he was fucking Debbie on the side. I went and got tested. Shit, was that inappropriate? I'm just having some wine."

"It's fine." Eric smiled, "Is everything all clear?"

"Yeah. I would have murdered him if he hadn't been careful. I would literally have killed him."

"I would have killed him for you."

"I appreciate the sentiment," Sookie giggled.

"But, how are you dealing with things?"

"I'm trying to be okay. Well, I'm trying to not fall apart because this has to happen. I can't be with anybody who has so little respect for me. But I'm… fuckit. I'm lonely and hurt and doing my very fucking best to be a decent single parent, but it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done." She chuckled, "Next to letting you leave."

"You know I'd be there in a heartbeat if you asked."

"I know you would, I just don't know why. I don't know what this is, Eric."

"This is us being friends. I care about you and Chase, I just want to be a good friend to you now that you need it."

"How does Pam feel about it?"

"Why should she feel anything about it? We're friends."

There was a pause. "Eric, you've told her about me, right?"

"Well-"

"ERIC MIKAEL NORTHMAN!" Sookie exploded. "Why the fuck would you do that?"

"I don't know! I'm just- We barely emailed before, and it never came up, and then in Vancouver things were so busy that I just forgot!"

"You just forgot to mention that you were hanging out with your ex and her son? And all the times we've talked on the phone, what, they've slipped your mind?"

"Sookie, I don't know, it wasn't a huge deal," he defended, his words tumbling out before he could snatch them back.

"Wow. Alright."

"No-no, that's not, I didn't mean that, Sookie."

"It's fine, Eric, you don't need to explain yourself to me."

"Don't do that, okay. I didn't mean that my friendship with you isn't a big deal. I'm just protective of it, and of you, and you and I have a history and I don't know why but I feel the need to keep it separate from Pam."

"But Eric, she deserves to know. You keeping things separate is tantamount to lying to her, which is really stupid considering there's no reason why you should lie to her."

"I know, there isn't," Eric sighed. "Fuck. She's still going to be mad I didn't tell her about us seeing each other when I was in Vancouver."

"I know. But it's better you tell her now without anything prompting you, than for her to find out herself and think the worst."

"I know," he repeated. "I'll tell her."

"You promise? There's only so much drama I can handle, Eric."

"I pinky promise," Eric laughed.

"He's crazy about you, you know." She said, out of the blue. "Chase, I mean. He misses his Daddy but he asks about you all the time. He wants to know if you guys can watch movies together again sometime."

"I miss him too," Eric caught himself beaming.

"And, um, thank you, for being a friend. Tara's so busy being mad for me that she forgets I just need someone to talk to. Not that it's her fault, she's been really great with babysitting and bringing wine over, but…"

"You just need something different, I get it. It's alright."

Sookie sighed, in relief. "Thank you."

"You're quite welcome. But I have to go now. I'm picking Pam up and taking her for dinner."

"Alright, enjoy your night."

"Will do. Bye, lov- Uhm, Bye." Eric hung up, staring wide-eyed at his iPhone for a few seconds. He'd almost told Sookie he loved her, which was inappropriate, though not necessarily untrue. He'd loved her once, and he thought maybe he still did, but wasn't in love with her like he was with Pam. Right?

Fuck. Shaking his head, Eric tossed his phone onto the couch and went off to get ready for dinner.

A few hours later, Pam sighed and put her hand on his at the dinner table. "What's wrong with you tonight? You've been somewhere else."

"Shit, sorry." Eric shook his head. "I have something to tell you, and it's not significant in any way," he hurried to add. "but for some reason I just didn't tell you. And I should have. But I need you to not think the worst, okay? Because it's nothing."

"Okay?" Pam looked at him with open apprehension.

"Before we met, I was in Vancouver for a few days, for work, and I ran into my ex. We dated when I was in my last year of university and I hadn't seen her since then, and anyways, we kept in touch, after I was back. We'd just email back and forth occasionally, and I never told you because it wasn't often enough for me to remember and it never came up."

"Alright," she nodded. "So, why now?"

"Well, I saw her again, when I went to Vancouver, and I know you and I talked when I was there, and I didn't tell you, and I honestly don't know why I didn't. It wasn't a conscious decision, and there was no reason for me not to."

"Did you sleep with her? Before?"

"What?" Eric blinked, and realized he'd left out a rather crucial detail. "Oh, no, she's married. Has a kid and everything. I had dinner with all of them in September, but uhm, when I went back last month things sort of, fell apart, for her. She caught her husband cheating and I ended up babysitting for her when she went to see her lawyer and now they're in the middle of a divorce." Pam was clearly a little past the point of being completely understanding, as her lips were pressed into a thin line.

"And you've continued to keep in touch."

"Yeah. But Pam, honestly, it's nothing. She's just my friend, and she's going through a rough time, and I just think I'm someone from her past that she's comfortable with."

"She doesn't have friends?"

"Well, yeah," Eric sighed. She was mad. "But I'm not about to tell her she can't rely on me when all we do is talk occasionally."

"And meet up, when you're in town," Pam added, a bit coldly. "So you email, and, what, talk on the phone?"

Eric nodded. "Pammy-"

"Can we leave? I don't think I'm in the mood for dinner anymore."

Eric hesitated before relenting. He flagged down the waiter and paid for the wine and appetizer they'd managed to order before following Pam out the door and to the parking lot. In the car he paused again and looked over to where Pam was staring expressionlessly through the windshield.

"I don't care that you didn't tell me that you guys talked. I understand that it was infrequent and not significant enough for you to make a note of telling me. I'm mad that you saw her in January, babysat her kid for her apparently, and held her hand when her marriage fell apart, and still somehow failed to mention it to me. It's kind of a huge thing to keep from me, regardless of whether or not you made a conscious decision to do it."

"I know," he said, quietly.

"And it makes me doubt you. I don't like that it makes me doubt you, and I'm pretty annoyed that you gave me a reason to, when rationally I know better and know that if you were sleeping with her, you'd just keep it from me entirely. "

"But I'm not, Pam, we're just-"

"Friends, yeah, I know." Pam took a deep breath and continued, "I can get over it, because you told me yourself and that works in your favour, and I'm inclined to believe you because I trust you and I don't think you'd hurt me. But regardless of all that, tonight I'd like to be alone."

"I understand," Eric nodded and tried to come to terms with the awful tightness in his chest. He drove her home in complete silence, feeling worse and worse with every second that passed, until he pulled up in front of her apartment feeling like he was about to explode. "I'm sorry," he murmured, and met her gaze. "For not telling you, and for ruining your night."

"You didn't ruin anything," she gave him a small smile. "We're okay. I just need some time to be mad at you and then get over it."

"I get that."

"I'll call you later."

"Yeah, okay. Pam," he called when she made to get out.

"Yeah?"

"You looked beautiful tonight."

She smiled and said, "Good night, Eric."

Eric watched her walk to the glass lobby doors, without a hint of self-consciousness, and then drove himself home. A couple of hours later, as he lay in bed, he received a message from Pam telling him that she loved him. He smiled, as he responded that he loved her too.

888

It only took Pam about fourteen hours to decide she was done being upset with Eric. She sent him a text just before noon and he came over with Vietnamese food, a cautious look on his face.

"Are we, uhm, okay?" He hesitated before asking and Pam stretched up on her toes to kiss his cheek.

"Don't do it again, alright?"

"I won't," he shook his head, blue eyes wide. "I have nothing to hide from you."

"Well, good," Pam grinned and indicated that she wanted a kiss. They ate and fucked and fucked again. Afterwards, lounging around in their underwear, Pam curled into Eric's body and said, "Tell me about her."

"About who?"

She chuckled, knowing that his mind remained blank for as long as it was allowed, post-orgasm. "Sookie," she clarified and almost regretted it when she felt his body tense.

"What do you want to know?"

"How did you guys meet?" She was honestly curious, even though she wasn't necessarily in the habit of asking her boyfriends about their exes. It seemed to matter this time though, especially since she was evidently a part of their lives. Glancing down at their entwined fingers, Pam thought that she would very much like to be a part of Eric's life, for a long time.

"In a coffee shop."

Oh, he wasn't going to make this easy, was he? "Were you together for a while?"

"I guess so. Almost a year. We moved to Vancouver together when she graduated high school and I got my Bachelor's."

"Wow, seriously?" Pam tried to remember what it would have felt like to be in high school and date someone four years her senior. Her parents would have probably frowned upon that. "How come you guys broke up?"

"I had to move here for work." Eric hesitated before adding, "I considered not taking it, but she pushed me to."

"Why would she do that?" Pam frowned. She would probably dig her heels in and not let him go, if faced with that scenario. If this Sookie person had let Eric go that easily, pushed for it even, then she probably didn't love him as much as he thought. Then again, if Eric had walked away that easily, then he probably didn't care for her all that much either. Pam felt herself relax, slightly.

"She wanted me to be happy, to do well." He shrugged. "It was a long time ago. "

"Yeah," she agreed. It was. And now Eric was hers, she thought happily when he pulled her body closer.

888

Seven Months Later…

"What do you think I should get him?" Eric asked, completely oblivious to how irritating he was being. Pam sighed and eyed him, noting his concern and complete dedication to the task.

"I don't know, sweetie. Why don't you just send him a card or something?" You barely know the kid, she wanted to add but held back, knowing that it would probably lead to another argument, and this issue had already ignited enough conflict between the two of them.

"I told you, I just want to. He's an amazing kid," Eric shrugged and crouched down to select a remote-controlled monster truck from the bottom shelf. Flipping the box over, he read the description written in a cheerful font and frowned, comparing the toy to its neighbour on the shelf. Pam resisted the urge to burst into frustrated tears at his words; it wasn't like she didn't know how Eric felt about his ex's son. God knows he talked about him enough. If she didn't know better, Pam would think the kid was Eric's or something judging solely by the never-ending stream of hand-drawn pictures that Eric received from Chase. And of course, every picture went up on Eric's fridge, and then Eric would deem it necessary to Skype Chase to thank him personally, a conversation that managed to go on for hours as Sookie attempted to make Chase say goodbye, to no avail. Pam had tried to ask why the hell Eric was so goddamn attached, and that had led to their first argument. First of many. Arguments over a child whom Eric had seen only a handful of times, but was somehow smitten by already.

And now here they were, trying to find an appropriate gift to FedEx to Vancouver for Chase's sixth birthday.

"I like that one better," Pam offered, tearing her gaze away from the direction of the cashiers. She figured it might make things move faster if she helped the process.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. The sporty car will be harder to deal with 'cause it'll get stuck on rugs and stuff. The monster truck will be more fun, and he can play with it outside too if he wants."

"Ooh, good point. Yeah, I think I'll take this one then," Eric nodded with conviction and straightened up, the miniature blue monster truck in his hand.

"Awesome. Should we go?" Say yes, say yes, say yes.

"Yeah. Wait, do you think I should get something for Sookie too?"

"Why, is it her birthday?" Pam just barely managed to hold back the venom in her tone, and thankfully Eric seemed to not notice.

"Good point. I guess I'll worry about that in October."

Pam's jaw dropped and she spoke without thinking. "Are you serious?"

"What?" Eric frowned, not understanding her frustration at all, which of course only served to fan the flames.

"Nothing, nevermind. You know what, I'm going to wait for you in the car."

By the time Eric got in the car with the toy car in hand, Pam had already wiped away her tears and checked her makeup for smudges.

888

Over the course of the past few months Pam had watched as Eric – her Eric – drifted further and further away from her, seemingly cluelessly. Pam could feel the strain of it on their relationship; he was there, but his mind wasn't, and she feared his heart wasn't either. It broke her heart to realize that he wasn't meant to be hers, that he clearly never was if some woman living on the other side of the country could so unwittingly claim his heart so thoroughly.

And Pam knew it was unwitting. He didn't hide anything from her, because he thought it was nothing and because he and Sookie never crossed any boundaries together – it would be tough anyways, to have anything when their interactions were limited to emails and occasional phone calls. But Pam knew it was something, even if Eric wasn't ready to admit it. It felt like she was just waiting, waiting for the catalyst that would ignite the inevitable.

It came in early October, in the form of a hysterical phone call from Sookie as they curled up on Pam's couch, watching TV. Eric listened, his panic evident as they spoke, and after several words of reassurance, hung up.

"I have to go to Edmonton."

So this was it. Pam felt like there were cinderblocks on her chest. "What, why?"

"Sookie needs me. Her Gran had a heart attack and she's flying to Edmonton in a couple of hours to make sure she's okay."

"She has people, Eric." She wasn't even hiding her frustration anymore, and it only fed Eric's. "You don't need to go running across the country just because her Gran is sick."

"You don't get it, Pam." Eric ran a hand through his hair.

"You're right, I don't. You guys are barely friends but she called you up just because she's having a hard time and you don't see anything wrong with that?"

"Fuck, Pam. Could you be any more cold? Sookie's Gran practically raised her when her parents were too busy being assholes. And I knew her, I used to sleep over at her house when Sookie and I were together. So yeah, I'm going to go see her."

"Why?"

"Because Sookie's my friend!" Eric exploded. "Because she asked me. It has nothing to do with our past, I'd do that for anyone. I'd do it for you."

Pam barked out a short laugh, disbelief colouring her features. "That's your logic? That if you'd do it for me, you'd do it for Sookie? You're comparing me, your girlfriend, to some woman you've barely seen in the past seven years? That doesn't strike you as odd, incongruent at all?"

Eric sighed, feeling his anger drain away. "Pammy, it doesn't mean anything."

She seemed to deflate as well, as she moved to stand in front of him, her hands rising to cup his face. "Yeah, it does, Eric. I wish you'd stop lying to yourself."

"I'm not lying," his frustration spiked but Pam managed to sooth it away with a sad smile and the stroke of her thumbs over his cheeks.

"Denial, then. But Eric, it's time you snap out of it. You love her," Pam choked out, and Eric could swear he felt his heart break.

"Pammy, I love you."

"But you love her more. You didn't see her for six years and I still somehow ended up playing second fiddle to her," she sobbed the last part and when Eric tightened his hold around her waist, she hid her face against his neck. "I can't do this. I love you too much to deserve this, too much to make you stay with me when I know you want her more than you want me."

"Stop it. Stop reading so much into this. I'm just trying to be a good friend."

"It's not just this," she shook her head. "It's you hiding the fact that you were in touch, it's you putting up her son's pictures on your fridge, and FedExing her a present for his birthday. It's a dozen small things that wouldn't have mattered on their own, Eric."

"Pam, I never meant to hurt you," Eric said quietly, pulling back to capture her gaze.

"I know," she whispered and sobbed quietly.

Standing there, watching her sob, Eric discovered a type of heartbreak vastly different from the one he'd experienced all those years ago, with Sookie. That one was acute, like his chest was torn apart and he was left to writhe and bleed and eventually maybe heal on his own, but this one was so much worse. This time he was inflicting pain on someone who had given him everything she had, and the heartbreak was knowing that he'd been a big enough asshole to stomp all over that. This time, he was watching someone who loved him and whom he loved back shatter, knowing that it was all his doing, and he couldn't do a thing to take it back. So he buried his face in her hair and whispered that he was sorry, so very sorry, that he didn't mean to hurt her, that she deserved so much more than him. So he was caught completely off guard when Pam shoved him away.

"Jesus Christ, Eric, you're such an asshole," she leveled him with a tear-streaked gaze. "I didn't want anything more than you. I wanted you." Shaking her head, she seemed to lose her wind as she added, "And you wanted Sookie. But don't you dare make this about me deserving better. I deserved your honesty."

"You did, but it was never a conscious decision, Pam. I never wanted to-"

"Hurt me? Yeah, you said that. That doesn't make it better, Eric."

"I know it doesn't."

"Well, that's a blessing, I suppose," she snorted and then, quietly, said, "Go."

He gave her a long look, trying to gauge just how firm she was in her resolve. She met his gaze steadily, and Eric nodded. At the door he paused and turned to her. "Bye, Pam."

"Eric," she called as he was about to close the door behind him.

"Yeah?"

"She was important enough to tear us apart. You better fucking fight for her."

He dropped his gaze, scuffed his shoe on the carpet, before nodding. "Take care of yourself."