I'd like to thank for all your kind words left in the reviews. I had never expected my story will get such a positive feedback and that people will enjoy this ship, even if it's not common in the fandom.
I hope the future chapters will remain as good as the previous ones to all my readers. And I should also thank again my beta reader, bluntforcemomma who edits my text and improves my vocabulary. I credit her in my profile, but I think I must thank her again. So my dear, thank you!
Thank you all for reading and enjoy the new chapter.
–
Even with Shu still ensnared in a war with its neighbours, Yinping's life was passing as sweetly as it had been even before her first painful experiences on the battlefield. The last threat of incoming battle arrived weeks ago. To her and the long-suffering people of Shu, that was almost enough time to convince themselves that the war was finally reaching its end. Her small family had welcomed a new addition – a loud, cheerful addition – so overtaxed with energy that she could power their fleet of war cannons. Suo seemed complacent with married life, even if his wife's ecstatic marathons around her new home caused him to age a few years in a span of hours.
Memories of her father and Ping still slipped into her daily thoughts, making her mouth suddenly dry and her eyes wet. Luckily, she had a wizard on her side, one with an impressive hat who could always magick her tears into products of laughter. Someone who became a very dear friend to her in those past summer months, who made sure that every moment together brimmed with joy.
Her thoughts of him scared her when she was alone. Ma Dai caused her heart to pound with his mere presence, with the deceivingly relaxed yet protective way his towering body moved next to hers. She never had to rely on make-up with how he left her cheeks perpetually stained red. She put forward an effort to get to know him better, but this task proved just as unproductive as charging at a wall of Wei generals while blindfolded.
Knowing him wasn't impossible – she could occasionally penetrate that shield-like smile and recognize slivers of the tired and raggedly lonely individual, one who had seen too much of this hellish war in his lifetime. Vague mentions of his one remaining cousin, his only semblance of having a home, seemed to cause him much pain. Even then, Ma Chao was somehow too different from Ma Dai, as if he lived in a world imperceptible to their eyes. A better world.
She had acquainted herself with Ma Chao the Splendid once before. True to the rumors, there was a sense of kindness radiating from his posture. Though, with his rambling speeches about bringing justice to the land, he carried himself like a character from an epic poem, gilded armor and all. Ma Dai paled in both appearance and personality next to him, yet she found herself besotted by his down-to-earth manners and smiling secrets.
But did she truly love him? Yinping couldn't single her mind on the answer. Her friend was not like Zhao Yun, one of the most handsome warriors in all the kingdoms and her first crush at five-years-old. His impossible feats on the battlefield, including once single-handedly rescuing Lord Liu Bei's son from a cavalry of over five thousand men, established him as a Heaven-chosen hunter that made even her younger self feel embarrassingly inadequate. A humble man as well, he had once helped her down from a precariously tall tree and didn't make fun of her for crying like an orphaned puppy. And he hadn't even become angry when she got him in trouble with her father for kissing him on the cheek afterwards. She couldn't believe how bold she had been that day.
Now, she basked in the company of a man who, according to Bao Sanniang, was meant to be her husband. The young wife of her brother seemed utterly convinced of the premonition.
Love. Marriage.
Her mind hesitantly clasped at the image of fury on her father's face, brought upon them by a message from Sun Quan. He would never agree to marrying his only daughter to a man like poor Sun Deng, weak in constitution yet gentle unlike his father. He echoed their own prince in a way, only the color he wore designated him as their enemy.
Maybe she should have stepped in and offered herself for the sake of peace. Perhaps this would have mended the tense relations between Wu and Shu, prevented the casualties altogether. It could have meant the lives of her father and brother.
Her eyes pressed shut, creating tight seams in her face. She knew it was the desperation speaking over her – not even her father, the God of War, could have spared them from the horror.
–
Heavy rain roiled in the sky for the entirety of the afternoon, thickening the air in the palace gardens with the scents of nurtured soil and blooming chrysanthemums. Studs of water glistened on every leaf and petal, sinking in silver slides towards puddles. The sounds provided a quiet tempo to her solitary thoughts. She felt numb as she rested against the railing of a small pavilion.
Autumn cooled the morning with its early presence, withering leaves to a golden-brown with just a breath. Even nature seemed tired of its own deceptive beauty, but she remained unfooled by it all.
She was putting herself through this again. Blaming herself. That appeared to be the only thing she had always been good at, rehashing past failures in her head as if preparing for time to repeat itself. Her thoughts crept dangerously close to that fateful battle at Fan Castle before hurrying scared back to the false comfort of that marriage offer.
Would have marrying a man who was a stranger, one whom she did not love – would it have given her back her family, alive and happy? All those soldiers who had fallen at Jing Province, could they have been at home right now with their wives and children? As arrogant and selfish as she felt, she could have been their saviour, their salvation. Unknowingly, she had become their death sentence.
Tears swelled behind her eyes, and she desperately wanted to have someone at her side right now. She childishly wished for someone to come listen to her and brush away the burdens of her heart, ones that kept her staring at the ceiling at night.
A familiar touch seeped into her thoughts, and she refused it with a physical shake of her head. She didn't want to see him right now. Not that Ma Dai's presence wouldn't instantly lift her spirits, but she couldn't imagine bothering him with her feelings while he was roughing through the injuries of his past battles. He had always remained adamantly patient while listening to her stupid, puerile problems. He readied himself with jokes when even the thought of crying crossed her mind, yet all she did was get him hurt. She needed to endure somehow. She resolved to be strong even as the breeze whipped shivers into each of her vertebrae. Maybe it was time to start wearing a longer skirt.
She trained her eyes on the surfaces of the ponds, disturbed by the dancing of the raindrops. Gloom tailed her thoughts so persistently that she filtered out the sound of footsteps sloshing their way towards her.
"Why hello, my lady! Nice to see you out here, despite the weather."
Even if father hadn't intervened, I would have been too scared to marry him. Maybe it is my fault. I could have saved them…
His voice failed to turn her head, and he considered calling out to her again. Something he did must have pleased the heavens for him to be able to end his day in Yinping's company – a chat with the lady always heightened his mood, no matter how annoyed he had gotten with his unit's stagnating progress in combat or how mentally exhausted he was after receiving another dubious assignment from Shu's favorite strategists.
He cleared his throat. "What a coincidence to see you here, my lady!"
I should have said yes. I should have offered myself to him.
He had expected her to face him then, all smiles and slightly flushed cheeks as usual, but she remained as morosely silent as the day he had found her in the forest clearing. Briefly, the thought entered his mind that maybe the same grief had ambushed her suddenly. Surely, the gods had allotted the two of them a shred of mercy for their recent mishaps, or else he wouldn't have been standing there in that moment. With her.
The sound of a dense object thumping against the railing caused Yinping to pivot her head sharply to the left. Her eyes followed the pastoral designs inked on the side of a ceramic bottle, which smelled pungently of its sweet contents. The person holding it was the man she had desperately wished to her side, yet he was the last person she had wanted to see.
"Didn't you hear me calling to you, Lady Yinping? Ah, I know! Without my hat, I must appear as drab and boring as everyone else! I need to quit forgetting to put it on." Ma Dai looked so misleadingly indolent, his weight rested against the railing as he ventured a sip from the bottle. "Are you enjoying the scenery? Most people I know complain when it rains, but you're marinating in it."
She dared a quick glance at him, only a mere moment before she returned to watching the raindrops dissolve into puddles. She had already decided that maybe this once she should remain quiet. Those assignments Zhuge Liang had him perform showed in the tired lines surrounding his smile. Just recently, he had returned half-alive when the warring at Chengdu could have seized all of him. Yinping prayed that would be the last time.
"Yes. It's nice to watch the water returning to its home." She realized that remaining quiet would pique his interest in her behavior, so idle chatter might spare both of them further struggle. Anything to fill the awkward void of silence between them. "Ehm, is your unit doing better with their training?"
"You mean the sorry bunch who almost broke their necks staring at Bao Sanniang like they've never met a woman in their lives? Those men who just recently stopped falling off their horses over a tiny branch in the way? The ones who managed to survive spear practice without harming themselves? Yeah, they're all ready for the enemy, and I suppose they can distract a unit of the Wei soldiers' children. That should be enough of a challenge for them, don't you think?" The man's sigh was accompanied by a small, sardonic smile. Sometimes, he wondered why they had even volunteered to fight, but every pair of willing hands was more than welcome in those times. "Are you doing all right? You seem a bit down. I hope it's only because of the lack of sunshine!"
His words didn't incite any favorable response from her, much less a smile. Her face was partially masked by her length of hair, left unbraided and draped over her shoulders in an ineffectual embrace. Her ribbons and flowers were mysteriously absent. The last time he had seen her like this made him suddenly worried for Xing and even Suo. Had someone gotten to her family again? At the thought, he could easily brush aside his cheerful demeanor and leave behind the other one of his personas, the dark one that emerged only during those dreadful moments when all he cared about was the kingdom and following orders.
"I couldn't find any more flowers for my hair, that's all." She hoped the excuse would be enough to distract him like it did with her brothers.
He met her little lie with a stare, his gaze knowing. Young maidens were often concerned with their beauty – he could admit to being a bit vain himself with how he adored his hat – but even Lady Zhen would not be put in gloomy spirits over the lack of wild roses.
"They have… died out, I suppose," replied Yinping softly.
"Well then, I guess we'll just have to find some new flowers for you. Which ones would be perfect? Well, only wild roses are perfect for you of course, but they've returned to the earth. Though, peonies would be splendid, but we've missed them by a whole season, I'm afraid. Plum flowers tend to show up near the end of wintertime, but that's far too long of a wait." His eyes brightened with a grin. "I know! Lilies are still in bloom this time of year, so maybe a few of those will do. Do you prefer the white ones? Or maybe it's better to play it safe with pink."
He was doing it again, rushing to cheer her up. It was almost unbearable. She pursed her lips together so tightly that blood drained from them, turning them white. She feared that her answer would end in a sob.
She had really tried to be a friend to him, one as good as he was to her, but their relationship was built on his kindness and her being a whiny little girl. Maybe she could excuse herself and leave. That would be best for both of them. Maybe she could say that Xingcai needed her help, or maybe — she knew from the look in his eyes that she couldn't fool him. She shivered, and her voice garbled in her throat.
"Lady Yinping, please look at me." His voice, so different from what she was used to, caused her to tremble at the slight detection of anger. Despite anxiety bundling her nerves, she felt compelled to meet his gaze. He wasn't smiling, but there wasn't a trace of hostility in the way he looked at her. Concern painted his features, and his expression made her stomach wrench with guilt. His gaze fixed on her troubled features; and for once, she was able to look at him without that childish flushing she hated so badly.
She had forced him to worry about her, again. It seemed to be a never-ending cycle, one he wasn't even vaguely interested in pulling himself out of.
"What happened? Did someone hurt you? Tell me what I can do for you. I'll help you." The promise was soft from his lips. He sounded so humble.
Her lovely spirit seemed so fragile now. Someone, something must have harmed her. He could feel snakes of rage coiling in him, not targeted at her, but at the one who dared to upset the person that gave him hope that he was not alone in this world.
"Nothing. I just— I just had to think about something," she whispered, so quietly that she was nearly inaudible next to him. Her hands began to tremble, and she squeezed hard around the railing in an attempt to still them. She was the little girl in need of a caretaker again. It wasn't fair for Ma Dai to waste his time on her, unraveling her feelings and childish lies. "I'm sorry. I don't want to bother you. I will make my leave."
Before Yinping could even turn away, she felt the warmth of his hand draping over hers protectively, sapping away her will to flee. The warmth of his touch was addictive, dangerously sweet like the brush of honey wine coating his lips.
He remained expressionless as that cool mind of his pondered. Did memories of Fan Castle still encircle her thoughts? People tended to remember trauma in bits and pieces, in individual splinters. Which one had pierced her heart this time, left her a near ghost in this world?
"Tell me what made you feel like this." His voice was more of a reassurance than a command. "Please, do not be untruthful with me."
She was painfully aware that he would not move until he found a way to help her. "I— Do you… know that— that—" Yinping tried to mend the gaps in her voice, to keep it and herself from crumbling any further. Her mind beseeched the gods for help, since she didn't want to accept it from Ma Dai. "That Sun Quan wanted me to marry his son?"
"Yes, I had heard. You were to be married to Sun Deng, prince of Wu. Your father, thankfully, did not agree to this." She could have sworn she spotted a flit of relief in his tired eyes.
"We already had signed an a- alliance with Wu before, through our lord marrying Lady Sun, and I thought that…" She silently berated herself for shivering again. The railing disfigured within her tightening fists. "I thought that maybe I could have told my father— that I could have done it for the sake of our people."
He knew the turmoil of self-blame, was akin to it. His first instinct was to wrap her up in his words, to let her feed from his manufactured joy until she lost track of her own pain. He needed to listen now.
"Maybe if I had married Sun Deng, none of this would have happened. The battle. The deaths of my father and Ping. All those soldiers who died so senselessly. I should have told my father that I'd— I'd marry him. I could have saved them." The sob she kept locked in her throat finally escaped her lips. Why did she always do this to herself? And she was burdening him out of all people, carelessly discarding her sorrows on him even when his own was consuming him. "I just— It's all coming back to me. I- I'm not sure if that would— if that would have saved them, but— There was a chance! I could have done it for them. I was young, so afraid. It's too late now, but I just— I cannot stop thinking that— If it wasn't for me, they'd still be here." Her shoulders shook, and tears flowed uncontrollably down her cheeks.
They complemented the rain, washing the back of his hand, but he kept his grasp firmed on hers. Her skin felt cold, so cold that it was almost painful to touch her. He allowed her to weep without a word. She needed that precious time for herself, to remove the snare around her heart so that she could truly begin to heal. Her sadness proved equally torturous for him. Her tears made him feel angry, mostly at himself for not being able to take away her tormenting memories.
"My lady, I don't think the marriage could have saved anyone. Do you remember the marriage between our lord and the Wu princess, Lady Shangxiang?" Ma Dai couldn't lie to her, even if it would provide her comfort for a brief amount of time. She was a strong person – she would learn to cope, to survive. "Their marriage was going to unite our lands, but it gave us maybe couple of years with them on our side. Sadly, the only type of alliance that lasts forever is one forced by surrender. Alliances aren't signed so that the rulers could have us living in peace – it's a tactic for them to avoid having to fight a stronger enemy. We all just end up fighting again when it breaks apart."
A flicker of realization passed over her eyes. "But— But maybe at least— The battle could have been prevented."
"Maybe. I don't know. I'm sorry, my lady. I cannot give you an answer that will please you. What has happened was the will of the gods. All we can do is try to live another day." His thumb feathered along the side of her hand. "I know, I know. You'll always think that you could have done more; but sadly, it won't change the past."
"So why can't I stop? Why— Why am I still doing this to myself?" Another wave of tears glossed her cheeks. Her body stiffened each time a sob tried to launch itself from her throat.
Ma Dai could only watch and hope to leech away some of her pain through their joined hands. He couldn't help her nearly as much as he needed to, but he was there next to her.
The skin of her arms, pricked by the rain-beaded wind, was left exposed to him. His hand slid away from hers and drew the folded layer of cloth he wore at his side. Wordlessly, he wrapped it around her shoulders.
Those small gestures of care, they never failed to melt away all the protections she put up. She lost count of the times she had seriously pondered her feelings for him, coaxed herself with brief imaginings of what life might be with him. Why him, such a sweet and thoughtful man, why was he still unmarried? Why was he, to this day, on his own, without a family that would shelter him from his loneliness, love him for who he was and who he had to be?
"You just miss your loved ones, that's all. You will never stop longing for them; but for their sake, you must stop blaming yourself. They would hate to see you like this." He thumbed away her tears, nearly cupping her face in a way that made her heart swell. He lowered his voice to a soft murmur. "And I hate seeing you like this. What kind of a friend am I to let you suffer without offering my aid? Even though I cannot do much to help you right now."
"Then what— What kind of a friend does it make me to you, Lord Ma Dai? You're always there for me, but I never help you. I don't think that's fair." Thankfully, her sobs seemed placated, no longer beating at her chest. Maybe she was too tired to cry any longer.
"Well, that makes you a great friend. Your company, my lady, is more than enough. Believe me or not, but you do more than you know. I truly appreciate it." He hadn't been aware that she thought herself so selfish for not returning his kindnesses properly. To him, her mere presence was more than what he deserved. She cared too much for him.
She mumbled. "You're too kind, my lord."
"Nope, I'm just stating the obvious. If you still feel like crying, I've got all day to listen to you. But just so you know, I prefer it when you laugh. I cannot make all your problems go away, but know one thing." A sweet smile curved his lips, made the light in his eyes stand out for her. "Sun Deng would have been the luckiest man in the world to have you as his bride. Every man would."
Any reply she could possibly sort together in her heated mind was interrupted when he ruffled her hair. His other hand found the width of his wine bottle. "But your hair! It's such a huge, awful mess today. You look even worse than I do after I shovel the stables, and that's quite an achievement. Maybe it's the humid air!" He laughed so easily before taking another sip from his drink. "You want to try some of this? It's baijiu diluted with tea. Not sure if your brothers would appreciate me offering you spirits, though."
Ma Dai handed the squat bottle to Yinping, who couldn't believe how quickly he had changed the character of their conversation from serious to plain silly. He had thoroughly demonstrated his talents in making her smile even in those dark moments.
"It doesn't look that bad," she uttered, feeling slightly insulted by his amused insults. Her hair was her pride, after all. Though she hated to admit, it looked embarrassingly unkempt that day. Your hair looks like a nest of the fenghuang if you haven't noticed, she retorted in her thoughts. An adorable pout strained her lips; but after a sip of his drink, she burst into a coughing fit as liquid fire burned in her throat. "Ugh, it tastes like fire!" Yet, it left a sweetly savory aftertaste coating her mouth.
"Be happy it's not pure baijiu. This is much weaker than the regular stuff. I wouldn't want you to get drunk, after all. Your brothers would never forgive me." He directed his gaze to the sky. The clouds slowly thinned before his eyes, allowing single rays of sunlight to touch the earth. "It seems the storm is ending. Do you want to go lily-hunting later? We'll see which colours suit you best. Though, I think you should try white ones this time."
The mere image of the brawny general picking flowers was amusing to say the least. To many, Ma Dai appeared strange and foreign with his flamboyant hat and brush-shaped weapon. His grinning, nearly boyish expressions didn't make him look any more serious in eyes of other people, but that never seemed to bother him.
"If you don't mind accompanying me, my lord, I'd be happy to have you at my side." She finally mustered a smile. It took more time than he had expected, but getting to see her now was worth it. There she was, slowly regaining that wonderful aura, so full of color and life that he nearly had to squint his eyes to look at her. Hopefully, she would remain like this for longer, and in his wishes, forever.
"Then we're sorted! Still, I'm positively certain lilies will look great on you."
But you are lovelier than all of the flowers in the land, my lady.
Notes: Fenghuang is the chinese phoenix. It's the symbol of Wei.
