AN: Hey guys! This just came out, so I guess you're getting Sam and Deeks first! This one got a little longer, so I had to break it up to do it right. Next Kensi and Nell or Sam and Deeks again? Let me know!
Anywho, I hope you enjoy!
"Need a lift, partner?" Kensi asked lightly, gently bumping my shoulder as we walked.
I sighed. I knew she was trying, in her own way, to make light of the situation, but just like with all the torture jokes, it was just too soon.
"Rubbing it in already, Kensi?" I asked, trying and failing to sound light hearted. "A little early, even for you."
"I'm… sorry, Deeks," she replied. Her confused eyes tore at my already torn up heart. She stopped and grabbed my arm. I looked down at the ground, unable to be so close to her without thinking about the kiss…
"I didn't mean-"
"Never mind, Kens," I said, shrugging out of her grip and starting away.
Sam and Callen had already left, so it was just the two of us in the parking lot. And I needed to be as far away from her as possible. As soon as possible. The debriefing was beginning to sound like torture. And I think I have the experience to make that comparison.
"Don't leave, Deeks," she whispered behind me.
Those words…. I couldn't believe it. She wasn't really saying that to me. Right?
"What did you just say?" It was really hard to push the words out around the lump in my throat. I couldn't move as I awaited her answer.
It seemed like hours, as if time froze, until I heard her voice, uncharacteristically soft.
"Don't leave me."
The silence that followed that statement was anything but quiet for me. I saw red, and my vision became slightly blurred as I focused in on her words. Sharp pain poked at my 'emotional center'
How can she do this to me?
I turned slowly to meet her eyes and somewhere in the back of my mind I cringed at the way she backed away from me. I instinctively knew it would bother me later, when I could think rationally again.
"How," I asked slowly, using all my energy to keep my anger under control, "can you even say that to me?"
"I… I just…" she stuttered immediately, looking down, as if she couldn't even bear to look at me.
"I'm sorry, Deeks," she said, finally looking back at me. I hated those words. Sorry. Like that just fixed it. "I just… I couldn't take it if you… left."
I could feel the rage building up in me, and for the first time in my life, I wondered if this was what my father felt, before he beat my mom or me. Everything was blurry but Kensi. She was the only thing I could see now, just like she'd been the only thing I could see back… there. But this time, it wasn't helpful. Or, at least, it didn't seem like it was helpful.
"Say something," she pleaded in a small voice. Something in her mismatched eyes made me snap.
"You want me to SAY something? Fine! I'll SAY something! You stand there, pleading with me not to leave you, but YOU LEFT ME!"
It was my voice. I was saying it. I knew that. I could feel the words leaving my throat. But even I didn't know I'd felt that way. Seeing Kensi's eyes widen in fright caused everything to come back into focus.
This isn't me. This isn't who I am. I am NOT him.
I didn't have to see the look on Kensi's face to know I'd hurt her. And that was unacceptable. I needed to get away before I hurt her more.
"Deeks," she choked out, reaching toward me before I could get any words out, "I'm so sor-"
"Don't," I said. I couldn't take it if she apologized. I didn't want to snap again. "Don't say 'sorry'. Just…" I sighed, and shifted shakily.
How can I make her understand when I don't even understand?
"I get it, okay? I'm a cop, too, so I do get it," he said. "But that doesn't… I mean, it doesn't make it hurt less."
Because I wouldn't have left you. The words are unspoken, but we both hear them.
"Look, Kens," I whispered, trying desperately to patch whatever was broken between us, "I told you I wouldn't leave, okay? And I meant it. That's gonna have to be enough for right now, because Super Deeks? He's kinda… outta commission right now."
I looked away from her, desperate for an escape.
"I think I'm just… gonna head home," I said, still unable to meet her wounded gaze. "Just, tell the guys I blew it off or whatever." I turned and walked away toward my escape. "Easy enough to believe that," I whispered to myself.
And it was true, wasn't it? Sam's words had confirmed what I'd should have always known.
And I called myself a detective.
I didn't even know where I was going until I got there. I'd just gotten on the bus and rode. It wasn't until I felt the sand on my bare feet that I knew I'd intended to end up at the beach.
The ocean always calmed me. It was the one constant in my life, as cliche as that sounded.
I don't know how long I sat there, but before I knew it, the sun was touching the water. It would be dark soon, and I wasn't even sure when the next bus came by. Besides, I really didn't need to be out after dark. I'd been doing really well with the whole PTSD thing, despite Kensi's recent smothering, but I didn't want to tempt fate.
I stood, brushing the sand off my pants when someone cleared their throat behind me.
I didn't jump. I wasn't even startled.
"Sam," I said, without turning around. I'd know that sound anywhere, though it was about the last thing I needed to hear tonight.
He was probably here to lecture me for skipping the debriefing. And I couldn't find it in myself to blame him…or to care…or to feel anything at the moment.
"Look," I said, turning but not really looking at him. "I'm sorry I didn't show. I know it breaks every law in the book, and it won't happen again."
When I finally looked at Sam, his expression was unreadable.
"Right," I said, trying to muster up some of the famous Marty-Deeks-Humor. "I'm wrong, you're right. Glad we had this talk."
It fell flat, even to my own ears.
I moved to walk past him, but he grabbed my arm.
"Deeks-" he started, but I couldn't stand his tone.
"Please," I whispered. "I just- I'm sorry, okay?"
"No," he said fiercely. "I'm sorry."
I looked up startled, confused at his tone.
"Why?"
His expression shifted from his usual, stone-cold-NavySEAL-I-can-snap-your-neck-with-my-p inky mask. I saw regret and pain and remorse in his eyes, and I knew. We were going back to that.
I chocked out a chuckle.
"Dude," I rasped wearily, "I thought we got this all out in the hospital. You're good. I'm good." I winced at the deja vu those words caused. "Nothing to be sorry for."
This couldn't be happening right now. I didn't have enough humor to hide behind, and I couldn't go back to that angry place again. Not after what it had done to me… to Kensi.
"Yes there is," Sam interrupted. "I owe you everything, Deeks. And that's why I'm here. I have my family because of you, and I'm not going to let you throw away your family."
I could feel the surprise work its way across my face, but I was too damn tired to hide it.
"We've messed up a lot," Sam continued. "I messed up. I'm not going to give you a bull shit excuse," Sam sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, you're too smart for that."
I couldn't help the grateful smirk that crossed my face. I knew that was Sam's way of lightening the mood, just a little.
"It was bad timing, Deeks," Sam continued. "I know I'm a SEAL, and I play it tough, but losing Dom…" he trailed off. There was along pause, and just when I thought Sam wasn't going to continue, he trudged on. "I know I talk like I'm used to it, but I've never been good at… losing friends in war."
It was a rare, raw confession from Sam.
"I'm sorry that I took it out on you, Deeks. It's no excuse, but I hope…" Sam paused, holding my gaze, "I just hope you understand."
And the thing is, I really did. But I couldn't get the words out, so I just nodded. It was enough for Sam, though, and he let out a small, relieved smile.
It was tense and awkward for a moment until Sam spoke again.
"Come with me?" he asked.
"Where?"
"I would say 'trust me', but it's probably still too soon for that," Sam said with a cautious smile.
I allowed a small, relieved grin, grateful for his attempt at humor.
"Nah," I said with a smile. "Maybe not."
With that, we both started away from the ocean. It wasn't fixed, not completely at least, but it was certainly a step in the right direction. It was a step back to our dysfunctional, messed up family.
For now, that was enough.
AN: I hope you enjoyed it, and please leave a review on your way out!
