Most of the content of this chapter was first published in my erstwhile story "Time to Man Up".
New version published December 21, 2016. Happy holidays!
"Papa Can You Hear Me?"
"I was born with one purpose, to speak the truth." ~ John 18:37
Colleen had heard about and read accounts of enough failed space missions to know that such tragedies could potentially happen to her husband or, when they had their turn, her children. She accepted the reality that their work carried elements of danger, but she chose not to let fear control her thoughts and emotions. She acknowledged it and compartmentalized her anxiety, lining it up alongside her more dominant, positive attitudes toward her family's work: pride, excitement, admiration, hope.
Katie never harbored fear for her relatives' safety, mostly because she did not catch on to her mother's well-hidden fear. Of course she knew how many things could go wrong, having read about failed missions and studied every pilot training manual ever published; but she also knew that her father was one of the smartest men in the world. Her confidence in him was not just a child's faith in her parent; his competence was an objective fact. With him as the commander and Takashi "Shiro" Shirogane as the pilot of the Kerberos Mission, Katie knew her brother was in the safest hands possible.
When the worst case scenario actually happened, it was not in the way Colleen had imagined, nor how any military would have expected. There was no electronic message, no phone call, no messenger on their doorstep.
The news came to them via the most mainstream, broad-casting medium of communication: the television. They learned about the Kerberos crew's disappearance and presumed deaths at the same time as the rest of the world, whose eyes were watching the mission that went farther than any human had traveled before. The news reporter called it "a sad day for humanity," as though the tragedy was that astroexplorers had failed to reach the edge of the solar system, rather than the loss of three beloved human beings.
The delivery and subtext of the news was just as upsetting as the news itself. How could the Galaxy Garrison let this information leak to the media before sharing it with the crew members' families? How could the newscasters report the hypothesis as if it were fact? How could they attribute the disappearance to pilot error when Takashi Shirogane was the one piloting the ship and Sam Holt was the one leading the crew?
The media made it sound like the story was over when really it was in limbo. Presumed dead was not definite. Space was so vast, the three lost astronauts could be anywhere, dead or alive. The story would not have a resolution until they were found.
If they were dead, then their loved ones could mourn—which admittedly would be worse than this suspended anxiety, but would at least put an end to their uncertainty. On the other hand, if they were alive, they needed to be found!
Katie had always been naturally curious, seeking explanations and extracting truth. But she had never wanted to know anything as badly as this: What happened to Samuel and Matthew Holt?
It was bad enough that they were gone. What made it worse, to top it all off, was the Galaxy Garrison's claim that they were lost due to their own errors. They were using Sam, Matt, and Shiro as scapegoats and covering up the truth (or their ignorance of the truth, which was just as bad; it was far more honorable to admit ignorance than feign knowledge).
After the announcement, the Holts' friends and neighbors periodically stopped by their house to deliver gifts of food and expressions of condolence. It was all Katie could do to restrain herself from slamming the door in their pitying faces. The only good thing about their visits was that they saved her and her mother the trouble of grocery shopping and cooking.
Everyone seemed to expect Katie and her mother to shut down. On the contrary, they became busier than ever.
Colleen spent hours on the phone and on the road. She called different organizations connected with the Kerberos mission. She contacted Shiro's family, friends, and mentors to find out how much they knew or might be able to find out. She pounded on the doors of Galaxy Garrison officials' offices and even their homes, and refuted their excuses until they forced her to leave the premises.
Katie did what she could to help her mother. She kept the house running smoothly by taking care of their everyday needs: she planned their meals, laundered their clothes, and took the dog out for walks. She spent the rest of her waking hours looking for answers—poring over her computer, hacking into government websites, and sneaking into the Garrison itself.
When they were able to spend time together, they compared and consolidated their notes. They read and annotated the logs of past failed missions. They reexamined all the communication the Kerberos crew had with the Galaxy Garrison and their families in the five months between the launch and the disappearance.
Inactivity was their enemy. When they were inactive, they were more likely to cry. They cried alone. They cried together. When one of them started, the other tried to comfort them, but it was hard not to give in to the same emotions that prompted the tears.
Colleen seemed neither angry nor surprised when the Galaxy Garrison security team brought Katie home and accused her of trespassing and hacking into classified files. In fact, her lack of a visible reaction unnerved Katie.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" Katie demanded after a period of silence.
"What can I say? I don't blame you for wanting answers. I might have done the same thing, only I don't know the tech well enough." She was upset with the Galaxy Garrison for hiding the truth about her husband and son, for implying that the crew was responsible for their disappearance, and for rough-handling her daughter when she tried to find answers. Yet she was not angry so much as tired. Sad. Bereaved without mourning, without healing, because uncertainty kept the wound open and raw. They could not get used to Sam and Matt's absence, because that would be giving up on them, when there was still a possibility that they were alive, when they might be waiting for help from Earth.
She only became concerned when the Garrison forbade Katie from setting foot on their property. "Are you upset that you won't be able to go there?" Colleen asked Katie. "I know you always wanted to be a pilot, too."
Katie shrugged. She had always wanted to follow in her father and brother's footsteps, but now making a name for herself as a scientist, pilot, or astroexplorer did not seem to matter. Now she could only think of one reason to want to study or visit outer space: to find her family. Even if they were dead, she owed it to them to find out the truth.
Music: "Papa, Can You Hear Me?" by Barbara Streisand, from the movie Yentl, which is about a woman who disguises herself as a man in order to attend a school … wait a second … ;)
Disclaimer: The idea of the old mission logs is from tumblr user okaybutvoltron.
