Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller, or All in the Family. In addition, I have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping these classic shows alive.
Barney Miller/All in the Family
Crossover.
Part VII
Embassy Demonstration.
By: Ra'Ay'Mond
CONTENT WARNING. THIS FAN FICTION MAY HAVE SOME TERMS THAT ARE DEROGATORY TOWARD PEOPLE OF VARIOUS RACES, RELIGIONS AND NATIONAL ORIGINS.
I AM ONLY DOING THIS FOR THE SAKE OF PORTRAYING THE CHARACTER OF ARCHIE BUNKER AS HE WAS PORTRAYED ON TELEVISION.
IT IS NOT MY INTENT TO ANGER ANY READERS. IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU MAY BE OFFENDED BY ANY SUCH TERMS, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS WORK OF FICTION.
I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO BARNEY MILLER OR ALL IN THE FAMILY. NOR WILL I PROFIT FROM THIS WORK OF FICTION.
OK, in this chapter I think that the content warning listed above will come in handy. I'll will start off slow, but it will get a lot worse before the story ends.
Archie is stunned into silence by the explosive outburst from the large angry detective. He thinks to himself, what the heck is going on a' round here? One minute I'm telling the meat head here that I'm proud of him. The next minute, 'The Incredible Hulk's baby brother here, looks like he's gon'na rip my head off! For no reason what so ever!
Det. Stanley Wojciehowicz takes a menacing steep towards Archie pointing a muscular index finger an inch from his chest while saying, "Yeah, you! I'm talking to you big mouth! What the hell did you just say about 'dumb Pollock's?
Det. Harris quickly gets up from his chair and tries to calm down Det. Wojciehowicz by saying, "Hey Wojo, calm down man." Det. Harris then looks toward Archie and gives him a dirty stare before turning back to his friend and fellow detective while saying, "He was talking to his son-in-law. I don't think that he even knows that your Po…"
Before Det. Harris can finish his thought, Capt. Barney Miller detaches himself from Maude, and quickly makes his way over to where Det. Wojciehowicz, Det. Harris and Archie are standing. He looks at Wojo while asking, "Wojo, what in the world are you yelling about?"
Det. Wojciehowicz stops dead in his tracks at the sound of his commanding officer's question. However, he keeps looking intently at Archie with a homicidal stare. Mean while, Archie is frozen like a deer in the head lights under the other man's intense scrutiny.
Both men remain silent.
Capt. Miller then rolls his eyes and says, "Will someone tell me just what in the world is going on over here!"
At that point Archie, Mike, Wojo and Harris all start talking at the same time. Capt. Miller closes his eyes and turns his head toward the other side of the squad room. Once he composes himself, he turns back to the group of men and says, "OK Harris, you just got elected to tell me what ever it is that the four of you are not trying to tell me!"
Det. Harris turns toward Capt. Miller and gives him a tight grin while sarcastically saying, "Why thank you for picking me Barney."
Det. Ron Harris moves his hands down his mid section to delicately remove the wrinkles from his black satin vest. He then does the buttons of his hand made, brushed black velvet sports jacket that was imported from Italy. Once this is done he closes his eyes and deeply inhales the fragrant, yet subdued scents of his French cologne, while imaging himself rolling around nude, on a bed made of money form the sell of his second book.
While all of this is going on Capt. Miller notices the slightly glazed look on Harris's face and thinks to him self, Wonderful! Just when I need him most he's having another day dream about rolling around nude on a bed made of money, from the sell of his second book.
Once he has completed his relaxation ritual, Harris turns on his professional voice. This is the voice that he normally uses for the court room, or while doing book signings. He then nods his head in Archie's direction and says, "O.K. Barn, it seems that Mr. Bunker here had an epiphany of sorts in his relations with his son-in-law, a Mr. Michael Stivik." At the mention of Mike's name Harris turns from away from Archie and points toward Mike, right before giving him a polite grin. He then looks back toward Barney while saying, "However, it appears that while expressing his newfound affection for his son-in-law, Mr. Bunker let-fly a racists, anti-polish slur toward said son-in-law. To which Wojo here rightly took offense and questioned Mr. Bunker to find out just what he meant by the term, and I'm quoting here Barney, "big dumb Pollock.""
Once Barney hears this slur he looks disapprovingly at Archie and makes a deep-sighing sound. He then rolls his eyes and says, "Wonderful!"
Wojo is now much calmer after listening to Harris's description of the recent turn of events. He grins slightly as he turns toward his boss and says, "See Barn, it don't sound so bad the way that Harris describes it."
Barney looks more then a little confused. He starts to think that Wojo has forgotten the problem at hand. He begins to say some thing when Wojo says, "You know Harris, you really are great with the words man! It makes me want to go out and buy your books instead of just borrowing them from the library!"
Harris smiles broadly at the compliment and says, "Why thank you Wo… Harris stops talking abruptly. He then looks around the room, then back toward Barney. Then he does a confused double take back toward Wojo. He then drops his professional voice and begins speaking in his angry, clipped voice, "Man, do-you-mean-to-tell-me-that-you-haven't-brought-any-of-my-books? You just walked into a library and barrowed some dusty old copy that millions of other people have touched before you?"
Wojo sheepishly defends himself by saying, "Well Harris, I don't think that many people have touched those books before I got a hold of them. As a matter of fact, I was the first person in that branch to even borrow a copy. I check with the Librarian."
When Barney hears this poorly worded response from Wojo, he just looks at Harris out of the side of his eye, waiting for his anger fueled retort.
Harris's only response is to give Wojo an irritated, unblinking stare.
Barney then says, "OK, detectives, getting back to the subject at hand. Wojo, just calm down a second. Remember, you're a NYPD detective." Barney then gestures slightly with his hands as he says, "You have to deal with…unpleasant comments on the street all the time." Barney then turns toward Archie and gives him a hard stare while saying, "And it seems that today you're just going to have to deal with one while inside of the squad room!"
Barney turns back toward Wojo and finishes his thought by saying, "However I still expect you to act in a professional and courteous manor. No more…yelling and screaming, OK Wojo?"
"Det. Wojciehowicz takes a deep breath, and points at Archie while saying, "OK Barney, 1- dupek here gets ONE chance to explain what he just said!" He then turns toward Archie again and says, "Start talking!"
Michael knows that he has heard that Polish word 1- dupek before. He just can't remember where or when he heard. Or for that matter, just what it means. He stares off into space searching his memory, trying to summon up the meaning.
Meanwhile, Barney steps closer to Wojo while saying, "Wojo, thats not what I meant! What I was trying to say is that…."
While Barney is trying to explaining to Wojo what he really meant, Archie is still in the dark as to way the big detective is so protective of Mike. He is also more than a little confused as to why the big cop just called him a dupek. However, he nervously looks from the large angry cop, to the cops boss while saying, "Well um, captain, maybe I can help clear this up. It's like this here. Every thing that the colored… Err...I mean the well dressed detective said was basically true." When Archie makes that last minute save about Harris, everyone that heard what he almost said opens their eyes wide in shock. With the exceptions of Harris and Maude. Maude just groans the word 'moron' out loud. And Harris gives Archie an angry glare, through tight eyes.
Archie looks from Barney to Wojo as he continues, "Except for the part about me being a racist. I didn't mean any harm by what I said to the meat he…err Mike here. It's just one of them, what da' ya call them, terms of in-deer-meat there."
While this clumsy, yet honest explanation is going on, Mike is thinking to himself, terms of in-deer-meat? My infant son can barely speak, yet he still has a larger vocabulary than his grandfather!
Archie looks from Mike, to Barney, then back toward Wojo and says, "It's just something that I call him when he gets under my skin. The way that the people you really care about can do sometimes."
Detective Wojciehowicz relaxes a little. Even Detective Harris is willing to forget about Archie's verbal slip. He is just happy that he does not have to try and stop 'The Wojo express'. Mike thinks to himself, OK Arch, he's calmed down. Don't screw it up! Don't screw it up! Don't screw it up!
Right on que, Archie grins and cups his left hand to his mouth and stages whispers to the big cop, "And just between you and me detective, the other reason I call him that is 'cause his family comes from a country not known for their brain power. If you know what I mean?" Archie then gives a knowing wink to Wojo.
Det. Wojciehowicz immediately turns beet red.
PART
TWO
COMING
UP
SOON.
Sorry it took so long for this chapter. Next chapter is the last for this story.
Also, the next chapter leads into the next story. It is a stand alone story, but the guest stars will be introduced at the end of that story.
The next story in this Barney Miller/Classic TV Crossover series will be Ralph and Norton, from the Honeymooner.
Regards,
Ra'Ay'Mond.
POLISH TO ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS.
1- Dupek Asshole
6
