(Hi guys! Another update, are you happy? I felt like I had to show part of last chapter from Enjolras' point of view as well, as I think it is important to know about his internal struggle between staying strong and falling apart. Hope you like it, lot of Enjy!angst)
Enjolras was disgusted with himself. What was happening to him? Now he couldn't even finish a simple speech? Just because his stupid mind was playing stupid tricks on him? Get yourself together, for Heaven's sake, he told himself. You're making a complete fool of yourself. You're freaking out over nothing. Nothing happened!
And yet no matter what he told himself, he got more nervous with every step he took. Every time he looked up, they were there. Standing in an alley; hiding behind a window; smirking at him from across the street. Stop it, stop it, stop it. He was internally yelling at himself. From the outside however, he noticed his breathing speed up. He clenched his fists to stop his hands from shaking and he kept throwing anxious glances around him, just to be sure no one was jumping him from behind or from the side.
Unconsciously he moved closer to Grantaire, raveling unintentionally in his big posture; his irascible behavior and most of all his ability to protect him if necessary. God, what are you doing, he asked of himself, but still he moved closer. He didn't speak to Grantaire and Grantaire didn't say anything either, but he did glance worriedly at Enjolras every now and then. A look Enjolras had never really seen on the cynics face and certainly not directed towards him. He didn't like it. Nothing happened.
When they neared the Café, Enjolras started to walk faster. He desperately wanted to be inside, to be hidden from the sight of strange faces. Grantaire sped up as well, wanting to keep up with Enjolras. When they arrived outside the Café, Grantaire mumbled: "what is up with you Apollo?" Enjolras felt himself flinch. How does he know? Nothing is up. Nothing happened. He couldn't get the words out however, his tongue feeling like parchment in his mouth. So instead he just shook his head, pressing his lips together and walked into the Café, going up the stairs to the backroom of the Musain.
He heard Grantaire's footsteps behind him. Couldn't he just leave him alone? Enjolras didn't turn to look at Grantaire. He pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. Did he want to be alone? Can you even be alone anymore? He clenched his fists again. Of course you can! Stop being such a child, get yourself together. Nothing happened, you are fine.
He could yell at himself all he wanted. It didn't matter. He felt like a glass vase, ready to shatter at any moment; at any touch. He tried to pull himself together. He tried to keep control, but his shoulders started shaking and he felt that all of a sudden familiar prickle behind his eyes. He looked around the Café which had always been his safe haven. Not anymore. They know. His breathing was more than a little irregular now. He was once again on the verge of panicking. He was about to crack and all in front of the man he always fought with.
He hadn't noticed the tears were already leaking out his eyes. He cursed himself when he did. You've got to be kidding me. Why do you have to be so weak? No wonder they were able to jump you. You deserve it, it's your own fault! His thoughts only strengthened his panicked feelings. When he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder, he knew he would lose it. It was too much. He so desperately wanted to feel safe. He felt confused and lost and he didn't recognize himself anymore. His shoulders started to shake more convulsively and he buried his face in his hands, trying to hide away from the world. You are disgusting.
He then suddenly felt two strong hands turn him around and hold him tight. His mind screamed at him to push away; to get his act together; to act like an adult for God's sake. But his body reacted completely different. He all but clung at Grantaire, desperate for those strong arms to shield him away from the danger he had found himself in. He pressed his face in the drunkards' shoulders and sobbed. The more he cried, the more he hated himself and the more he cried again.
If his body betrayed him, his mouth did even worse. He ratted himself out to none other than that cynic who didn't believe in a word he said; who always mocked him and who he would've never thought to seek comfort with. He was babbling, giving away his secret like it was nothing. "I can't do this anymore. I see them everywhere. I can't get them out of my head. I close my eyes and they're there. I feel them. I can't…I just can't. I don't know what to do." And then to his horror he started begging. Begging like a lost, helpless, weak child. "Please…Please, help me…please, help me." He wished he could've just died right there. He had never before felt this ashamed. Well except for the events in the alleyway.
Grantaire seemed to be completely shocked. Of course he's shocked. Now he's really never going to leave you be. You've given him even more reason to mock you. But although Grantaire didn't say anything yet, he did tighten his hold on Enjolras and then out of nowhere pressed a comforting kiss on the top of his head. And if Enjolras still had some small hope that Grantaire didn't figure everything out right then and there, that last bit of hope was shattered as the cynic murmured: "You're safe. I promise they'll never touch you again."
You are beyond pathetic. How can you ever lead a revolution if you fall apart at the smallest of setbacks? Nothing happened! Nothing happened and yet here you are, one broken, sobbing mess. He looked up at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Combeferre. His best friend who had already guessed what was wrong even before he had completely failed himself in front of Grantaire. His best friend, who always knew when something was wrong; who always knew when he was hiding something.
Combeferre placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and they looked at each other. They always seemed to communicate better non-verbally and now was no different. For once the angry voice in his head shut up and suddenly he felt like talking. He wanted to get it off his chest. He needed his best friend. Needed him like he never had before. And with a small nod, he felt himself being pushed in a chair.
He looked at his friends. Combeferre was all worry and compassion, which Enjolras didn't like. Grantaire's face was harder to fathom. There was worry there, sure, but also something that resembled frightening anger. Anger, but not directed towards Enjolras. They both gave him time to get his act together and start telling them the story. That voice was back, cursing him, forcing him to keep his mouth shut, but he started talking anyway.
Combeferre offered him his hand and he reluctantly took it. Once he had hold of it however, he held on tight for dear life. And he told them. He told them everything. Well not everything, he was keeping the details to himself, but that didn't matter. They could no doubt draw their own conclusions.
"They're still out there. They know who I am, they know where we meet. They've got the pamphlets. And I'm really scared." He noticed his voice crack and he cursed himself for it once again. Covering his eyes with one hand, the other still entangled with Combeferre's. Combeferre squeezed it reassuringly. "I know", he said softly.
Enjolras suddenly lost it again. "Yes, but it's not normal! I don't understand what's wrong with me. I have no control over my emotions, I'm angry and scared and confused and I don't know how to handle it. And I hate myself for it, because nothing happened. Not really! And still I'm so weak that I'm falling apart, even though I try so hard to stay in control and…"
He was brusquely cut off by Grantaire. His eyes spat fire and he all but growled: "don't ever say that again." When Enjolras looked at him in confusion he added: "Don't ever say that nothing happened. Enough happened Enjolras! God, I could just smack you, you know that. You blame me of thinking low of myself but look at yourself. You're downplaying something that really, really, doesn't need any downplaying and you're thinking yourself weak because you're frightened. You better stop that right now Enjolras, or I swear to God above I'll knock some sense into you. Which I actually should be doing anyway, since you went there on your own."
Enjolras was surprised at this outburst to say the least. For the first time in his life, he had seen fire and passion in Grantaire's eyes and it was all because of his wellbeing. He didn't understand.
"The other Amis are heading this way Enj", Combeferre said softly. "They're worried out of their minds, especially Courfeyrac. They deserve to know."
Enjolras shook his head. He couldn't. Not again. Telling it once was quite enough and he really didn't want all the pity and compassion it would evoke in his friends. That familiar feeling of panic made itself present again and he shook his head more violently. They can't know. Nothing happened. I don't want them to know as well.
Without a second though he wrenched his hand out of Combeferre's grip and bolted towards the stairs. He was running blind, not knowing where he was running to, he only kept hearing those same words inside his head. They will know how weak you are. How you can't even control yourself. They will pity you. They will see you're not fit as a leader. You. The weakling who freaks out over nothing. Nothing happened.
Tears were clouding his vision and he only stopped running when he was out of breath. He took a moment to collect himself and then looked around. Where on earth am I? He didn't know this part of Paris. He hadn't been here before, which was weird, because he had been practically everywhere.
Then he heard a voice; a voice so familiar; a voice he had been hearing in his head every second since last night; a voice that send shivers up his spine and caused his stomach to turn violently.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't our favorite revolutionary? I think we still have some unfinished business to do, don't you Antoine?"
TBC.
(Yes. They're back. Well, at least for a little while. Hope you've enjoyed it! Please let me know what you think. I appreciate your opinion so much and I'm really curious to know if you like it or hate it. So please let me know! Till next time, might take a little longer…)
