I forgot how wacky things could turn out to be when i write in an almond joy state of mind.


Jar Jar arrives at the Senate as fast as the super speedy delivery ship can carry him. He quickly spots a lone trooper as he opens the ships door. "You there could you help messa please?"

"Of course Senator Binks."

Jar Jar waves his hand in front of the troopers face as he approaches. "Messa need you to paint your armor black. Don't let nobody see you do it. Then you sneak into the Chancellor's Office before he leaves for the party and yousa assassinate him. Sneak out fast once its done and clean up that armor. Don't let nobody see you do that either. Yousa not gonna remember a thing about what messa told yousa or what yousa did when its over."

"I'm going to paint my armor black-make sure no one sees me-then sneak in to assinate the chancellor before he goes to the party. When that is done I sneak back out and make sure no one sees me cleaning up my armor. I won't remember what I did or that you told me to do it."

Jar Jar turns to the delivery driver sub as the trooper hurries off. "Messa believes the cookie tender would say excellent."

"R-r-rodger s-s-sir."

Jar Jar heads up to the party to mingle with the other delegates. He has a plan of his own once the job is done here and that means making lots of friends tonight to make it happen.

Sideous lounges in his office after the cookie feast. He is a firm believer in arriving fashionably late to these functions. He soon finds himself drifting off to sleep.

"The mail ship just arrived. You gotta a package from your granny sir."

"Hateful old hag. I got no respect for her I tell you. Ornery as the devil and twice as mean she is." The cookie tender takes the package.

"You said Darth Plagueous had her silenced."

"He did-she hasn't been able to speak a word since since Grampy caught her plotting against him."

"Grampy? I thought you said it was Darth Plagueous who did it."

"My Grampy was Darth Plagueous."

"Rodger that sir."

The other Rodger bot looks up. "You helped Sideous off Darth Plagueous who is your grandfather?"

"I'm under contract to the Sith Lord. Not my fault there is a loop-hole that doesn't specify which one that is. You got any idea what breeching that contract would cost me?"

"No sir."

"Maul could have told you till he gave up accounting to become a Sith Lord."

"He was one creepy Darth sir."

"He was even more creepy as a mild mannered accountant." The cookie tender opens the box and pulls out another crystal like the others hidden in the sugar jar. "Excellent the old hag came through again." She takes a milkshake glass from the drying rack and a hand held grater. "Use this glass for Vader's next order and mix up real good."

"Rodger sir."

The cookie tender grates an edge of the crystal into powder in the glass. Then stows the crystal in the cookie jar with the others.

"Do we know what happened to that bothersome witch Tyrannous tried to keep as a secret apprentice?"

"Delivery Rodger ran her down with the old speedy delivery ship the first time he short circuited."

"That was an ugly sight sir."

"Does anyone else know about that?"

"No sir. If we reported it and the insurance company got word our rates would go through the roof. Besides there wasn't much left of her. The cleaning crew Rodgers threw what was left of her in the compost heap we use for the recipe 24 ingredients that the Hut like."

"And after that you act like its a bad thing that I have no respect for my Granny?"

Darth Sideous awakens himself with his own snoring falling backwards in his chair. He looks at the clock as he gets up. Forget fashionable he's just plain late this time. He rushes to the door still not fully awake. When it opens at first he thinks its his sith apprentice standing there. "Vader? What the Devil are you doing here?" He realizes its not Vader at all as a blaster is aimed straight at his heart. He tries to use his Sith powers to ward of the disguised assassin only to find he doesn't have any. "Oh crap..." It quickly flashes through his mind as remembers the cookie tender running around in diapers when he first consulted her granny about overthrowing her husband Darth Plagueous and he doesn't have the chance to say he never should have trusted the cookie tender or to curse at her for getting the better of him or even curse himself for missing what she was up to.

The mind controled trooper doesn't waste any time firing a number of shots into Sideous' body any one of which on its own would have been a lethal hit. He quickly leaves to carry on the rest of his mission.

At the party one of the delegates talking to Jar Jar looks around. "I know Sideous always likes to make a grand late entrance but he had never been this late before."

"True. Wonder what's keeping him."

Another delegate steps up. "Anyone willing to bet the old kook fell asleep again?"

"Meesa got a strict no betting policy. Last time Meesa lost shirt in the deal." Jar Jar basks in revery as everyone nearby laughs at his joke.

"Speaking of kook." One of the more pompous delegates steps up. "Has anyone noticed just how peculiar he has gotten lately? I saw him arrive in Z. Plumber's nasty old ship. Talk about slumming."

Jar Jar looks around as everyone gaps in horror-this is the opportunity he has been waiting for. "Meesa hates to think it after all the good he's done for the senate but it appears the chancellor may be losing his marbles."

"We can't let a man like that run the senate!"

"Heaven's no! We should take the vote to the counsel chambers right now to replace him before he gets here and tries to stop us."

They all turn as someone comes running in screaming. "The chancellor is dead! Someone shot him dead in his office!"

The pompous delegate nudges Jar Jar. "Well at least that solves that problem."

"Indeed but weesa gonna have to hold that emergency meeting to vote on a new supreme chancellor for sure now."

"Quite right old chap."

As everyone rushes toward the chancellor's office Jar Jar waves his hand in front of the pompous delegate. To security cameras it looks like he's waving that they should follow the crowd. "Yousa going nominate and me and use yousas sweet talking skills to get me voted in."

The pompous delegate follows Jar Jar as the crowd moves toward the chancellors office. "Jar Jar my Gungan friend-I think you're just the type of leader we need."

One of the Rodgers turns on the broadcast news channel to find out the latest goings on in the Far Far Away Galaxy as they work on cleaning up the kitchen after the working day has come to an end. He quickly pokes his head out to the main floor where the cookie tender and Vader are. "Sirs! I think you're going to want to hear this!"

Vader and the cookie tender approach the counter as the droid turns up the holo-news feed.

"Our sources report that the senate is in an uproar at this time as the Chancellor who was late to their big gala reception tonight was found murdered in his office. Security is scrambling to check the video feed to find the culprit. Those same sources speculate it was one of his private inner circle."

"I guess he wasn't doing such a good job hiding his deteriorating mental state after all. No one would dare try that unless they knew was off his rocker and was no longer mentally sharp enough to catch them." The cookie tender looks up as the kitchen Rodgers run and jump up the karaoke stage.

"Let the joyous news be spread the hideous Darth Sideous at last is dead! YAY! Ding dong darth sideous is dead! Which old Sideous? The hideous old Sideous! Ding dong the Hideous old Sideous is dead!" Other Rodger droids run up from down stairs and join in the singing.

"Way to respect the former boss there Rodgers." She looks over at Vader. "Looks like someone beat us to him. Damn it! I was all set to put him off his guard with a batch of X-lax in his brownies that would have kept him glued to the commode for a week."

Vader looks over at her and breaks out in fits of laughter. "Talk about suffering. I almost wish I could have seen that."

"My plan was to go all telekinetic on him so it would look like he crapped himself to death."

Vader collapses on the floor rolling with fits of laughter at the idea as the Rodgers start their song all over again. He finally picks himself up and calms down. "I like your style cookie tender and no matter how it happened a promise is a promise. I dub you Sith Lady Lunous."

The Rodgers cheer at that.

Vader looks over at them all. "Milkshakes on the house!"

The kitchen Rodgers rush back behind the counter getting to work mixing a very special one for the Sith Lord in the previously prepared glass.

Back at the Senate video footage of the assassin is located and passed around to the senators to see if anyone can identify him. Several from the Trade Federation who have worked closely with the Chancellor as political allies react in horror. "Its Vader!"

"Who's this Vader character?"

Jar Jar looks at the Pompous delegate and shrugs as security forces storm the trade federation delegates to get more information. "Beats Meesa."

"I mean what I said earlier. I think the new Chancellor should be you. I'm going to put you up for nomination."

"Meesa is very flattered."

At the Club Vader downs his latest milkshake as the Rodgers dance around singing their song from earlier.

All the Rodgers freeze suddenly as more news comes in the holo-feed.

"We have just gotten hold of video footage of the chancellors assassination. While he is unseen in his office the assassin is clearly visible to security cameras."

"Sirs! That's one of the senate troopers with his armor painted black!"

The former cookie tender now newly dubbed Lady Lunous shushes the Rodger as more news comes in. "We can see that."

The holo-feed loops the assassin firing into the office. "Delegates from the Trade federation have identified the assassin as a recent acquaintance of the Chancellor known only as Vader. You are being advised to stay inside at this time and lock all doors and windows. The suspect is considered armed and extremely dangerous.

"I've been framed!"

"That blasted trade federation has been trouble ever since Sideous allied with them. It must be some elaborate ploy of theirs to get him out of their way since he went off the deep end." She turns to Vader "And they can make it work because to the public right now you are Vader a recent mysterious and little known acquaintance of the Chancellors."

"One of the kitchen Rodgers steps up to Lady Lunous sensing an opening to cause Vader more confusion given their earlier conversation. "Sir it may not be just the Trade Federation."

Both Sith turn to the droid. "Remember that she-devil of not so secret apprentice that Tryannous had? She swore she was going to get even with Sideous after Tryannous' untimely end and the one that killed him before she stormed out of here."

The other kitchen Rodger agrees. "That is one chilling file that I've ever been able to delete from my data banks."

The still short circuiting delivery driver with his head facing backward sparks as he approaches. "Rodger 8 just radioooooooooooooooooooooo..." It smacks itself in the head again which turns around the right way. "...radioed in the troopers found receipts for this place in Sideous office at the senate and are heading this way to search for Vader."

Lady Lunous turns to Lord Vader. "I have a contact in the senate that can hopefully straighten this mess out but you need to hide until then. In the meantime we can always send the x-laxed brownies to the trade federation to get even."

"The old speedy delivery ship is pretty banged up and all the paints peeled off but its still workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk..." The droid bangs it head which turns around backward again. "...working."

"My Lord I think you should let him take you somewhere to hide before the troopers get here. Rumor is with the Jedi's in hiding the troopers have all been implanted with anti-mind control devices. I will delay them here as long as I can."

"The delivery droid heads off outside. "Speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery...speedy delivery..."


So Sideous was originally supposed to get knocked off by Cookie Tenders plan but that would have just made the story long and drawn out which I didn't want to do-so I decided to cut it short and sweet by framing Vader for it from the get go. Lunous is a play on the word Lunacy if anyone doesn't find it obvious. If you haven't picked up on it most all the characters are OOC bumbling oafs and miss what they wouldn't if they were true to character. I made up the stuff about Darth Maul being a mild mannered accountant before he became a Sith Lord. It just seemed funny at the time and like I said this is a spoof of Star Wars not true to fact stuff-except for one character that is based on a real person-guess which one and you become a full fledged Club Sith member with the deluxe membership package-overactive imagination is requirement for that.

NEW poll question in my profile-check it out if you haven' answered it already.