Yeah…Juilliard part 2. Enjoy!

Juilliard- Year 1 (continued)

Marissa's eyes popped open as I slammed through our dorm room door. Her perfect yoga pose faltered as I threw myself face-first onto my bed with a loud "yes I'm feeling sorry for myself" moan. I felt the bed weigh down as my friend sat beside me and rubbed my back.

"Another tough day in composition?" Marissa whispered soothingly.

"I don't want to talk about it." I grunted.

Marissa waited the mandatory two beats. I lifted myself up and looked at my friend.

"I've lost is Riss. I can't write a song to save my life. I just keep trying and trying…and nothing, nada, zilch. Take a good long look Riss…are you looking?"

I could tell Marissa was fighting to keep from smiling. She nodded, and attempted to look somber.

I stood up in the middle of our room and declared, "I am a writer's block. We are one. Do you see me; this is what the block looks like…like ME! I mean I have always wondered about writer's block and now I know, I am it, it is me….am I making any sense?"

Marissa calmly looked at me. "Oddly enough, yes…I think we have now entered into the world of best friends. I understand your forever long run-on sentence monologues; just as you understand my super-speed conversation. Kelsi, there's no going back now…we are in this for keeps."

I looked at my roommate and smiled, and then that smile turned into a laugh. "That we are Riss... that we are."

Marissa got up from my bed (to once again make me feel like a munchkin) and grabbed her coat.

"C'mon," she said. "We are going to get some much needed tea."

I linked my arm through hers.

"You know me so well." I stated, smiling.

"Let's go Writer's Block, I'm treating."

That earned her a glare. "I will allow that comment because you're buying."

And just like that my bad mood was tempered.

While at tea Marissa had brought up asking for Ryan's help regarding my writer's block. Ryan and I had gotten extremely close throughout our freshman year at Juilliard. So close in fact, that I almost felt comfortable around him. Well, except for the whole increased heart rate and butterfly thing. It was difficult being away from our family and friends, but together we were able to deal. And because we didn't have our friends acting as crutches, we were actually able to grow closer to one another. I could say with complete honesty that he and Marissa were my best friends at Juilliard.

I thought long and hard about what Marissa had proposed. Ryan and I loved to talk about music and everything relating to it. That said we had never really helped one another with our differing majors. And to be completely honest, I liked that. For once Ryan and I did not have the excuse of "working on a musical" to get together and hang out. Quite simply, we spent time together because we enjoyed being with one another. Even though I was uneasy about asking for Ryan's help, I knew my future at Juilliard was in jeopardy if I didn't. So, I bit the bullet and went to my friend for help.

I knocked lightly on Ryan's dorm room door. And then he answered and all thoughts left my body. There was Ryan Evans, love of my life, soul mate even, standing in front of me in just a towel.

"Kels, hey…um… sorry about the towel, I-I wasn't expecting you."

Wait, did he just stutter…I made Ryan Evans say "I" twice. That was so something I would do. Internally I yelled at myself to focus. After all there was a reason I was at Ryan's door. Staring at him in his towel was just a bonus, a lucky bonus, but a bonus just the same.

"I need your help Ryan." I was amazed at how normal I sounded…not just normal, together even.

"Anything Kels, you know that. Um…just hold on a sec okay?"

Ryan gently shut the door and returned a moment later fully clothed. He ushered me into his room.

"What's up Kels?"

I looked at him and calmly stated, "I am a writer's block."

And like I knew he would, he busted up laughing.

"Kelsi Nielson, you are many things, but a block is not one of them."

How sweet is he? I struggled to remember what I was here for; I had a purpose, writer's block!

"Ryan, I haven't been able to write a great piece of music since the senior year musical, and to be completely and totally honest, it is scaring the bedazzles out of me."

Ryan looked confused, "Bedazzles?"

I focused my worried blue eyes on his smiling blue eyes. "Work with me here Evans."

Ryan straightened up, "Sorry Kels. I am here and I am focused. Let's talk about what we need to do to change your name from Writer's Block and back to Kelsi Nielson."

I threw my arms around Ryan in a huge grateful hug.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you…God, I love you Ryan Evans!"

Silence….more silence…even more silence.

My mind was racing in circles…nonononono…that did not just come out of my mouth. I nervously looked up at Ryan and saw a shocked look on his face.

"As a friend!" I practically screamed. (He claims I actually did scream it.) "I love you as a friend, because…because, that's what we are…friends." I looked down, suddenly the ground fascinated me.

I felt Ryan put his hand under my chin and gently lift my face up to look at him.

"I know what you mean Kelsi; I love you too, as a friend."

Thank goodness, crisis diverted. But then, why did I feel a little sadness in my heart. I mean it wasn't like he was going to spin me around in delirious circles declaring his love for me. Friends was… okay, friends would have to be enough. Now all I had to do was convince my heart.

I walked back to my dorm room in a daze. I must have looked really out of it, because I remember Marissa looking alarmed when I entered our room.

"Kelsi, are you alright?"

I started changing into my pajamas. "Oh yeah, I'm great, never better. Ryan agreed to help me with my compositions. I am meeting him in one of the practice rooms tomorrow. Oh, and I told him I loved him."

"See, I told you he would help, that's great."

And then came the pause I was waiting for.

"Did you just say you told him you loved him?"

I looked at my friend with tears in my eyes. "Yep, pretty much."

I then proceeded to tell her everything, from the towel to my declaration. Before I knew it Riss and I were on a conference call with Gabby and Taylor. Thank goodness for girlfriends.

I would be lying if I told you there was not a twinge of awkwardness after that night. Ryan stayed true to his word and helped me over come my writer's block. We listened and watched tons of musicals, and played around on my keyboard constantly. While I was feeling my old spark coming back, the ideas were not quite hitting me yet. But I did love spending time with Ryan. It seemed as though every time I was with him, my feelings grew in greater proportion. And he was a stellar friend. He had his own grueling schedule, but he found the time to work with me. We never mentioned the whole "I love you" situation, but it was there, like a big elephant in the room. And there was one night when that said "elephant" became very apparent.

Ryan and I had been working for hours and both of us were about two hours past exhausted. Marissa was (conveniently) out for the night and not expected back for a while yet. Ryan and my brains' were on overdrive, so we decided to take a break.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

Ryan's eyes drifted over to the shelf holding my DVDs. "How about a movie, your choice?"

A huge smile spread across my face, "Alright, Sabrina it is."

Ryan looked confused,"Sabrina?"

I did a faux alarmed look. "Ryan Evans, drama king of East High, are you telling me you have never seen, much less heard of Sabrina?"

Ryan laughed, "No, but I have a feeling I am about to."

I grabbed the movie off the shelf, put the DVD in the player and gave the case to Ryan to look over.

"Audrey Hepburn…could it be Miss Nielson that you are drawn to pixie actresses who slightly resemble you?"

I turned beet red. "Audrey Hepburn is in a class all her own Ryan, the only thing I have in common with her is that we are both small."

Ryan smiled his adorable smile. "You just don't see what I see."

I really didn't think it was possible to turn a brighter shade of red…I was wrong.

Ryan and I sat on the small futon across from the T.V. and started watching Sabrina. It wasn't long before both of us had fallen asleep. I woke up to find Ryan sprawled out on the futon, and I was cuddled up against him like a human blanket. And that's when the butterflies started…huge gusts of butterflies. I looked up to see Ryan just opening his eyes. We stayed there staring at one another for a good long while. I was afraid to say anything that would ruin such a perfect moment…heck I was afraid to breathe. Our lips started slowly inching their way towards one another, when all of the sudden I was on the floor. Ryan flew off the couch like he was on fire.

"Kels, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…Oh God. I have to go."

And before I could even blink he was out the door. I just sat there, staring at the door, wondering what had just happened. I was still sitting there when Marissa came home. I told her everything. Before I could comprehend what was happening tears were falling down my face and into my lap. I didn't understand what had happened. But Marissa did. A huge smile spread across her face. She sat down on the floor next to me and took my face into her hands. (Yes, I was still on the floor.) Marissa's smile was full of hope.

"He's scared Kelsi."

I looked at her confused. "What?"

"Don't you see honey, you are his best friend, and he doesn't want to mess it up. I honestly think he is as madly in love with you as you are with him. He just hasn't wrapped his mind around it yet."

Hope started blooming inside of me. "You think?" I asked quietly.

"Definitely." said Marissa.

I wish I had known at the time that Marissa was exactly spot on. It would have saved a lot of heartache. But freshman year was still not the time for Ryan and me. I may have been ready, but he was not. And you can't have a successful relationship with only one of the parties sure. Ryan and I continued our friendship. And like the "I love you" fiasco, the "almost kiss" was another subject we both knowingly left untouched. But little things were happening. Ryan and I were spending even more time alone together. Our hugs lasted a little longer than necessary. And sometimes when Ryan would hold my hand to cross the street, he wouldn't let go until the end of the night. I knew at some point I was going to end up saying something, but not yet. The man I loved was loving me back little by little, and that was enough…that had to be enough.

So…I promise the payoff with this relationship is going to be phenomenal. I am really focusing on getting BOTH of them ready for one another. Because Ryan and Kelsi…they are one of those couples that once together, they stay together. I figured out a way to put some of Ryan's point of view in the next chapter…while still leaving the story first person Kelsi. (Tricky, tricky.)