Hi everyone. I'm sorry I didn't post last week – my car died on me and I got very stressed out during the process of buying a new one.
Marza – thank you for taking the time to explain what you're enjoying about the story, and for your suggestion. I'm glad you're enjoying the details!
Nautika – I think Sirius would have been happier not knowing about the Osane potion too. I wasn't very nice to Remus in this story at all. ;)
2112 – Thanks! Emotion is very important to me in my writing (and in everything I read) so I'm glad it comes through in this story. I'm also delighted that you like 'my' James and Peter – my HP fics focus so much on Sirius and Remus that it was difficult to balance the others and make them seem at all developed.
MBP – I'm glad you're looking forward to the rest of the story, thanks for your reviews and for reading. :)
Nina – Thank you! I sometimes worry that people who start reading the story and like it in the beginning won't like it throughout so it always makes me smile when I get multiple reviews from someone – it's like, 'Yes! They still like it!' Thanks for reading. :)
And now on to the important part…
~Part Six~
At first I wasn't sure why I'd woken up. Everything was completely silent. I didn't have to go the bathroom. I didn't have a headache. I wasn't even hungry. I was about to turn over and go back to sleep when I heard the door shut. I froze. Was someone coming in or going out? And what time was it? I sighed. 3:30. In the morning.
Sitting up in bed, I looked across the mostly dark room. Thanks to the moonlight that filtered in through the window I was able to make out the sleeping forms of James and Peter. Of course, I smiled sleepily, I didn't have be able to see Peter. I could hear him snoring, as always.
Not surprisingly, Remus' bed – with the sheets left in a tangled disarray – was empty.
Yawning, I stumbled to my feet and padded to the entrance. Slowly, even though I knew it was unnecessary since James and Peter had a tried and tested ability to sleep through anything, I pulled the door open and snuck out into the hallway that connected the boys' dormitory.
Remus wasn't anywhere in sight so I headed towards the common room. When I entered the large, quiet room it took me a few moments to spot my friend in the dark. He was sitting in a comfortable chair in front of the unlit fireplace, apparently staring into the ashes and burnt wood.
"Moony?"
Remus jumped slightly, obviously startled. "What is it, Sirius?" he grated, irritated.
Taken aback, I stammered my response. "I-I was just wondering if you're…okay?"
He laughed dryly. "I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd take a little walk. Is that all right with you or are you going to insist that I tell you what I'm feeling?"
I swallowed. "Look, Remus… I know that I'm not a werewolf and that I'll never be able to understand what you're going through but I'm here, I want to help, and…even if I don't understand…I'm trying to."
"How sweet," he sneered. "You are brilliant, aren't you? Is that what you want me to say? That you're wonderful and I'm so lucky to have a friend like you?" he scoffed. "Bugger off, Sirius. You don't seem to get it. I'm not a baby. I don't need you to take care of me."
All right then. I bit back my hurt, knowing I was foolish for even feeling it since come morning he'd probably be apologizing for all of this. Obviously he wasn't doing so well. As much as I wanted to help him out I realized that he just wasn't going to listen or be at all receptive. "I was worried when I heard you leave. I hope you get to sleep soon." Since there didn't seen to be anything else for me to do, I moved to leave. "Goodnight, Remus."
Damn. I couldn't sleep. I'd been awake for hours just trying to shut my mind off. This time it wasn't the image of Remus' broken body that kept rest at bay, it was knowledge. The same sort of knowledge that had hampered my spirit for so long now. Just as I knew that some dreadful disaster was going to strike I knew that Remus wasn't going to make it.
I knew and that was painful to admit. I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to believe that he'd pull through this, that everything would be all right. I couldn't, though. Not really. Soon, terribly soon, he was going to do something I couldn't ignore, couldn't rationalize as being small and unimportant. When that time came I'd have to make a choice. I'd have to decide whether to do what my friend wanted or what I knew was right.
Fortunately, or perhaps not so fortunately, truth reached in the middle of the night was easy to disregard in the light of day and by the time morning dawned I'd managed to convince myself that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong. Or maybe it was more wishful thinking than anything else.
My night had been so restless that if James hadn't woken me just before leaving for breakfast I probably would have slept through my first two classes of the day. Even as it was, I was running extremely late. By the time I showered and dressed I was one of the only people left in the Gryffindor dormitory or common room and most of my companions were returning from breakfast.
Not, Remus, though. When I passed through the common room on my way out I was surprised to see that Moony was there, still sitting in front of the fire. Had he really been there all night? I wanted to ask but remembering his scathing remarks I thought it best to let him approach me when he'd had a chance to feel sorry for the things he'd said.
I was about to leave through the Fat Lady when my friend's cool voice stopped me. "Sirius."
I knew from his tone that I wasn't about to be receiving anything that could be considered an apology. I almost wanted to pretend I hadn't heard him – I was hungry and wanted breakfast – but my conscience decided not to let me. He was my friend and he was going through a lot. I could take whatever he had to say.
"Yeah?" I turned around, trying not to appear hesitant.
He'd rearranged himself in the chair so that he could watch me. "Have you told James and Peter?" he wanted to know.
I didn't have to ask what he was referring to. "I promised that I wouldn't," I reminded him. "You don't think I'd go back on my word, do you?"
He smiled disarmingly. "It wouldn't be the first time."
I faltered, taken aback. That I wasn't expecting. He was trying to hurt me. He knew how guilty I felt about having betrayed his secret to Snape. When it'd last come up in conversation he'd assured me several times that we'd put it behind us. As horrible as I would always feel for what I'd done I knew that that was true. Remus wouldn't have lied to me about that. His subtly bringing it up now had nothing to do with any resentment he still harbored. He was just trying to hurt me.
Even though I knew he didn't mean it, that this was the wolf talking, it worked.
Swallowing the dull ache in my throat, I nodded my admission to his statement before wordlessly leaving the common room.
"Mr. Black?" Professor Chissick stopped me from filing out of his classroom with the other students. "Might I have a word with you?"
"Of course, Professor," I agreed, watching James shrug and go on ahead.
Leaving my books on the desk, I joined the professor in his office.
Professor Chissick shut the door behind me and smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, Mr. Black. Unlike the last time I called you in here, I'm not giving you detention."
Somehow, that didn't make me feel any better.
"I wanted to discuss your friend, Mr. Lupin," he explained. "I'm concerned."
Wonderful. Why was he asking me? Why not James? Or Peter? Or even Lily? Lily would know what to say. She had a way with words and with people. What did he expect me to tell him? "His grades have been slipping?" I supplied almost hopefully, praying it wasn't more than that.
He nodded. Chissick was a friendly young man in his mid-twenties. Due to his shortly cropped blond hair and 'enchantingly' blue eyes he was quite popular with the girls. He sometimes alternated classes with Professor Eileen Cowburn and was by far the favorite among both the boys and girls of all the houses. "It's to be expected, considering the magnitude of the losses he's recently suffered. It's not his grades that have me worried, though. At least, not at the moment."
"Oh?" A distinct weight settled in the pit of my stomach. What could Remus have done that'd make a professor concerned enough to speak with his friends?
"Do you know what he said to me this morning when I asked him to identify the properties of Galligan's Sleeping Potion?"
It was a rhetorical question since Remus and I didn't have Potions together. "No, sir." I wasn't certain I wanted to know, either.
"'You're the Potions professor. If you don't know the ingredients of that potion maybe you should go back to school,'" he quoted, imitating a very obstinate tone.
I raised my eyebrows. Not six days ago I never would have been able to imagine Remus saying anything of the kind. Now, it wasn't so hard. "He's been under…a great deal of strain lately, sir."
"Obviously." He almost seemed amused by my statement. "The only reason I bring this to your attention is because you and he are very close friends. I was hoping you might…"
"I'm doing everything I can, sir," I cut in when he paused. "I'm doing everything I can."
Unfortunately, that didn't amount to much.
All right, where were they? According to Lily, James and Peter had come out here to study. At the moment, I really just needed to spend some time thinking about something other than Remus. It probably wouldn't take much doing to distract Prongs and get him talking about Quidditch or – if worst came to worst – the wedding plans.
"Hey Sirius!" I was shocked when my brother, who was hanging out with some of his oh-so-delightful Slytherin friends not so far away, called out to me.
Regulus had avoided speaking with me at all costs since his admission into Hogwarts. What in the world did he want now? Judging by the sneer on his face and the conniving glint in his eyes, he wasn't looking to be friendly.
"Regulus," I replied neutrally, trying not to look or sound confused.
"How's your friend Lupin?" he inquired, smiling chillingly.
Huh? How was Remus? Was that supposed to be some sort of insult? What that supposed to…annoy me? I didn't understand. Why the hell would he, out of the blue, stop and ask me about Moony in a tone of voice that suggested he was up to something?
"Padfoot!" Distracted by James' bellow, I turned towards the lake and tried to spot him. It wasn't until he flagged me down that I saw Peter and him sitting by the water, a good ways from all the other chatting groups of people. Absentmindedly, I waved back.
Returning my attention to Regulus, I was puzzled and a little disappointed to see that he and his friends were nowhere to be found.
Frowning, I joined Prongs and Wormtail.
"What was that all about?" James asked, obviously having noticed the rather unusual occurrence of Regulus actually talking to me.
"I have no idea," I admitted, shaking my head bemusedly.
"If it wasn't for the fact that we saw the report ourselves, I'd almost think that Michael Cable is still alive," James remarked somewhat derisively, setting aside the Daily Prophet. "It's like they want us to forget he was murdered."
I made a point of not answering. If I didn't want to think about Remus' deteriorating condition, I certainly didn't want to think about the Ministry and Voldemort.
"The Minister is just hoping that by controlling what's printed in the Prophet he'll be able to more easily avoid launching a real murder investigation," Peter pointed out, all-too-happily setting aside his homework. "Did you see how many laws they've passed since his death?"
"What laws?" Prongs eyed the Daily Prophet, as if fighting the urge to pick it up again.
Wormtail shrugged. "They don't get specific. At least not in the Prophet. It's just weird because they all seem to have something to do with werewolves."
I frowned, finally interested in the conversation. "Werewolves? What about them?"
"No idea. Like I said, they don't say," he seemed annoyed. "They claim the new legislation is for the greater protection of werewolves but…you know the Ministry."
"Yeah, well, Cable was a supporter of werewolf rights. He was probably doing his best to hold up passing the bills." I picked up a rock and threw it lazily into the lake. "Now that he's gone, they've cut even more of their rights."
James nodded glumly. "At least they haven't passed any laws that are of any advantage to Voldemort." Peter winced slightly when Prongs said his name. He was one of the many who had taken to avoiding the use of it. Merlin, couldn't the Ministry see how much of a threat Voldemort posed if people were so afraid of him they wouldn't even use his name? How could they be sitting idly by?
"Still, it's rather odd," Peter continued. "I mean, usually they happily let people know what laws they've passed regarding werewolves. It was on the front page when they made it so that a werewolf has to actually come out and tell any potential employers that he's a 'Dark creature.'"
James and I shared a concerned look. He was right. What sort of legislation was this? Just how much harder had they made things for Remus?
Remus was speaking with James and Peter when I entered the dormitory. Or rather, they were speaking to him.
"Look, Moony, you don't have to tell us what's wrong," Prongs was saying, "We just want you to know that we're worried about you and…" he blushed, obviously embarrassed, but forced himself to continue. "You're our friend. If there's anything we can do, you know all you have to do is ask."
"Yeah, Remus. I know that we're not Sirius but we do care," Peter smiled and hit Remus lightly on his shoulder.
I raised an eyebrow at Peter's statement but then turned my attention to Moony, wondering what his reaction would be.
Much to my relief, Remus smiled, seeming sincerely pleased. "I know, Wormtail. Thank you, both of you. I really do appreciate it."
James nodded, "Right. Well, that was basically all we…er…wanted to say. We're gonna go meet up with this girl that Peter fancies. She apparently doesn't believe that he saw the Gargoyles live in New York last summer so he needs me for backup."
Remus chuckled.
I nodded to James and Peter as they left the dormitory. As soon as their voices and footsteps faded from earshot, Remus approached me. "Padfoot." He fidgeted nervously with the sleeves of his school robes and I was struck by how uncharacteristic that was of him. "I'm sorry… For last night and this morning. I'm sorry."
I was expecting this. It even made me feel a little better to hear, instead of just know, that he hadn't meant what he'd said. I wouldn't forget the words – the subtle reminder about the Prank designed only to cause me pain – but maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't dwell on them either.
It also made me a little sad, though. Here he was, apologizing again. Why did he always have to feel so regretful for everything? He was struggling with something I couldn't even begin to comprehend. A few ill-thought words – words he'd never meant to say and didn't really feel – were hardly something to feel bad about. He wasn't entirely himself, after all. So what if he'd been short tempered with me? There were times that I'd treated him far worse and I didn't have the excuse that I hadn't been completely in control of my actions. "Remus, you've never done or said anything to me for which you've needed to apologize."
He laughed, the sound more miserable than anything else. "That's not true but…thank you." He met my questioning eyes but looked away so quickly that I wondered if he was frightened at what I'd see there. When he opened his mouth and then shut it again it was obvious that he wanted to say more. Instead he turned and retreated to his bed. "I…have a lot of studying to do," he stammered, back facing me.
Biting my lower lip, I hesitated before asking the question I'd rather bury. "The potion's not working, is it Remus?"
A tremor ran through his shoulders and his head dropped slightly. "No," he confessed shakily. "No, it's not."
Damn. If he was admitting it, it was probably worse than I'd realized. "Not at all?"
When he faced me I saw the answer in his eyes. Once so calm, there was now heated darkness lingering just below the surface. It was like anger and wildness were just waiting to explode within him. What was perhaps most frightening of all was how desperate he seemed.
He shook his head. "I thought it was but… I didn't realize. It's not like during the full moons. When I transform, the loss of reason is instantaneous." Even though it was fixed on me, his gaze was distant. "I change and then I'm…gone. This is different, gradual. I'm fighting as hard as I know how but everyday I lose a little bit, everyday I become more of a stranger to myself."
I ran a hand over my forehead and through my hair. "You have to tell Dumbledore."
"No!" he responded with sudden vehemence. "I can't! Sirius, he'll lock me away! He'll have to! The funeral is in a week. I have to make it. I have to. It's my mum's service and–" he choked on the words and shook his head. "Please," he begged, "I need to be there."
My eyes drifted shut. What was he asking of me?
"Sirius, promise me you won't tell him. I-I just spoke with him this morning. He… I managed to hold it together." His words were coming quicker now, almost right on top of each other. "He thinks I'm reasonably okay. He can't know the truth. You can't tell him. Promise me you won't."
No. No, Remus… He couldn't ask me that. He couldn't. This was it. The reason I'd overlooked his odd behavior in the beginning even though I only realized it until now. I didn't want to be confronted with this decision. I didn't want to be faced with the choice of biting my tongue and watching Remus lose control or coming forward and watching them drag him away… I didn't want to be the one responsible for all of this.
"I…can't," I opened my eyes to the anguished vehemence on his face. "I won't tell him now but…I can't promise anything beyond that." If it was true that the wolf was gaining more power as we drew closer to the next full moon then Moony's behavior was probably going to worsen. What if he became a danger to himself or others? I couldn't promise something I might not be able to stay true to.
"Sirius…"
"I'm sorry, Remus," I apologized, feeling horrible for having to be in this position. "I'm sorry." Then I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand there and look at his bared emotions. The pleading eyes, fearful expression, and slipping mask of control, were like a knife twisting in my gut. He was my friend. Seeing him like this was killing me. I had to leave.
I had to go.
So I did. I turned and left him alone in the dormitory.
"Does Remus know what the new werewolf legislation entails?"
James and Peter hadn't returned from seeing that girl that Peter fancied. Lily and I were sitting together in the common room, which was strangely quiet for it being so early. She'd been studying on and off but I'd been sitting in silence, staring at a spot on the wall behind her.
"I didn't ask him," I told her. Truthfully, with everything he was currently dealing with, I didn't want to bring it up. I wasn't even sure he knew about it. Recently he'd lacked the temperament required to read the paper.
Lily's eyes were astute and probing. "Sirius, are you all right? You've seemed very troubled lately."
I smiled at her gentle concern. "Yeah," I decided there'd be no use in denying it. "I have been."
I appreciated that she was worried but I really didn't want her to delve too deeply into this. There wasn't much I could say, after all. I'd promised Remus. Lily was very intuitive, though, very sensitive. She simply smiled slightly and very sincerely told me, "I hope everything works out."
I met her gaze affectionately. "Thanks, Lily."
"Did you know that over three hundred wizards showed up for Michael Cable's funeral? I guess they didn't realize he supported werewolf rights. I, myself, was pleased to hear about what happened to him."
I recognized Snape's deriding tone immediately and felt a weary anger infiltrate my thoughts. For Merlin's sake. Not again. Couldn't that greasy git devote his time to doing something more constructive? Planning his own suicide, say?
"The last thing we need is another wizard who thinks that werewolves shouldn't have to register or disclose their status as Dark creatures," he laughed. "What a preposterous idea! You'd almost think the man wanted people to get hurt."
When I turned the corner I was confronted with an eerily familiar scene. Snape and Remus were standing at the end of the corridor although this time it was my friend who was facing me. Unfortunately, he still wasn't saying anything in his own defense.
"You'd think that–"
"Do you get off on listening to your own inane prattle or do you actually think that saying all of these things accomplishes some sort of purpose?" Remus demanded suddenly, forcing a smile to my lips even as Snape stiffened in response.
"I'm only reminding you of your place, Lupin," the bastard sneered. "Never forget that the Wizarding world agrees with me. It's only a select minority that is deluded enough to think you're harmless and innocent. The rest of us know the truth. You're nothing more than a–"
"A monster? A Dark creature? Something that belongs rotting in Azkaban?" Remus supplied, tone helpful but also somehow dripped in poison.
I frowned, uneasy. There was a sinister glimmer in his eyes. Remus wasn't just exchanging verbal insults, which was in itself unusual, he was…angry. More than angry. There was a spark waiting to ignite and I wasn't sure I wanted to see what would happen when it did.
"An abomination," Snape finished scathingly.
Moony's face twisted and contorted with a rage I'd never wanted to see on it. Before I even had time to blink, he'd grabbed the Slytherin by his robes and thrown him against the hallway wall. Drawing his arm back, he very nearly grinned as he tightened his fingers into a fist and swung it viciously into Snape's face several times.
"Wrong answer," he hissed at his very startled opponent. Then he grabbed Snape's robes again and heaved, this time sending him careening to the floor. When he drew his leg back and kicked the bloody-nosed arsehole in the stomach, I sprinted forward. As much as I would love to see Snape beaten to a pulp for the things he had said to Remus, I couldn't watch my friend do this. Remus was kind and thoughtful. When he was annoyed or hurt he concealed it well. When he responded to Snape's hate it was with carefully crafted words, not insults and physical attacks. This person who could so easily beat up Snape was not Remus. It just wasn't Remus.
"Moony!" I yelled, seizing my friend by the shoulders and forcefully pulling him back. "Stop!"
Remus struggled against my grasp with a ferocity that surprised me into releasing him. Shooting me a disbelieving look, he was moving to kick Snape again when I took hold of his arm and used my weight to drag him off-balance.
Pushing off against the hallway wall, he stopped himself from falling and spun to face me. "What's your problem, Sirius?" he growled.
I glanced down at Snape. When he finished coughing and gasping for breath, he stared at Remus with something akin to utter shock. Blood was tricking from his nose. His lip was cut. Though concealed by his clothing, I was sure his stomach was bruised and even bleeding.
"Get out of here," I suggested coldly.
Slowly, he got to his feet and wiped some of the blood from his face. "You've proved my point, Lupin. You're nothing but an animal," he spat out one last insult before walking away.
Remus, still more furious then I'd ever seen, tried to follow but I put myself directly in his path and shoved him back into the wall. "Get a hold of yourself," I told him. "What are you doing?"
When Moony sized me up with cold, brutal eyes I was barely able to find a trace of the gentle, peaceful person I was pleased to call a friend. It was hidden, all but buried, amidst a tumultuous sea of ferocity and ire. I even felt an inkling of fear but as I watched, the violent emotion faded slightly, gradually giving way to confused mortification. His face lost the warped, angry look and softened to one of dread and disbelief.
Taking a deep breath, he shook his head and tried to speak. "I… He was– And I couldn't– I looked at him and I couldn't–"
I swallowed at the pleading vulnerability in his broken words. I wanted to take away all the pain and fright but all I could do was stare at him and clumsily offer my support. "Can I…help?"
"Tell me who I am," he requested distantly. "Just tell me who I am now." Without waiting for a response he slipped past me and continued slowly down the hallway. I watched until he turned out of my sight and then leaned forward until my head was resting against the wall.
Until a few minutes ago, his behavior, while certainly out of the ordinary, hadn't been dangerous. Now… He'd attacked Snape. I wasn't sure I wanted to think about what more he would have done if I hadn't stopped him. This showed me in terms I couldn't deny that Remus was not okay. He was losing. He was losing himself. There was still so much time left before the next full moon. Just how viciously would he be acting when it rolled around?
I was worried about how he would feel for having failed. I was worried about the needless guilt he'd surely carry. On the other hand… If I didn't do something now he might have something to really feel guilty about. He'd already hate himself for having hurt Severus, how would he feel if I did nothing and he ended up…well, actually seriously harming someone? Wouldn't it be better for him to deal with the thought of having failed rather than the thought of having put someone in the hospital wing?
I had to do something. Only… The funeral was in a week. One week. How could I deny him the opportunity to go? It was his mum's funeral. His grandmother's funeral. He loved them both dearly. Aside from his uncle, they were the only real family he had. His father didn't count. For Merlin's sake, the only reason he'd even found out when the funeral was being held and the reason for its original delay was because his uncle had told him! Considering that, it wasn't as if his father would postpone the service until next month. Certainly not for Remus, at least.
If I told Dumbledore how precarious Remus' situation really was, the Headmaster would be forced to take serious action. He'd have to confine Moony somewhere, for his own safety as well as that of others. How would I ever face my friend again, knowing I was responsible for not allowing him to attend the funeral? Would he ever want to have anything more to do with me? What if he always held it against me? What if he always wondered whether he would have pulled through if I hadn't gone behind his back and sold him out?
Remus was one of my best friends. I loved him. I'd been miserable during the months following the Prank because of the thought that I might have permanently ruined our friendship. If Remus never forgave me for turning him in I would lose him.
Merlin. Was there any way I could get out of making this decision? Dumbledore had arranged to meet with Remus every other day to see how he was doing. This morning Moony had somehow convinced him that he was holding it all together. That meant that the Headmaster would speak with him the day after tomorrow. Could I risk waiting for that meeting and hope that Dumbledore would see the truth? Could I risk Remus doing something worse before then?
Oh God, what was I thinking? I couldn't wait on Dumbledore. I couldn't sidestep the issue and hope someone would make the decision for me. I had wanted to know what Remus was so concerned about in relation to the last full moon. Well, now I knew and because I knew I had a choice to make. It was my own fault that I was in this situation. I'd wanted to help my friend. What if telling Dumbledore the truth was the only way to actually do that?
But the damned funeral was so soon. A week. One week. He'd managed to come this far already. Couldn't he go a bit further? But what if he couldn't? What if while waiting for the funeral he really did do something he wouldn't be able to live with? He'd never just accept that he hadn't been in control of his own actions and leave it at that. He'd despise himself forever if he truly hurt someone and I…I'd be partially responsible for allowing it to happen. Was attending that funeral worth the risk?
But what if I went ahead and made the decision that he'd failed and I was wrong? What if, without my interference, he'd be just fine until the service? After all, he'd said the potion wasn't working at all. That meant he'd done all of this – controlled the wolf for so long – on his own. That was amazing and I couldn't forget it. Considering that… Could he make it? Was there any chance…at all? It didn't seem likely but Remus was strong, I didn't want to give up on him. I was his friend. After all he'd been through, after all he was going through, how could I do that to him? How could I rip my support away?
I groaned.
What was I going to do? What was I going to do?
