DISCLAIMER: We, unfortunately, are not JK Rowling. Therefore, we own nothing. Actually that is a lie. Because we actually wrote the proper version of Order of The Phoenix and the character doesn't die. We locked JK in a cupboard and wrote our proper version of the book which will be out sometime near Christmas. Actually I'm talking total crap and living in a dream world so get reading!!!!!!!! Don't forget to review!!!!!!!!! If anyone is offended by any parts of the story then we are truly sorry (It's all fun).

CHAPTER SEVEN

Harry nervously made his way to Dumbledore's office. He knew he'd gone too far. Although judging by the look on Dumbledore's face when those Slytherins were stroking his beard, Harry would say that he had a good chance of getting away with it. But still, he couldn't be sure. What if he was expelled?. The good thing about that was that Harry would maybe get to see Sirius more often. Although Harry wasn't sure he wanted to since Sirius had got his member pierced. He didn't really fancy the idea of hanging out with Sirius if Sirius was going to literally "hang out" and flash his poodle ring.

He reached the stone Gargoyle (which had been given a beard identical to Dumbledore's) and gave the password (sherbet nipples). Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen. Harry nervously sat down and awaited Dumbledore's return. He glanced around at the familiar portraits (most of which were currently break dancing and stroking fake beards and winking). As he was glancing around the room, his eyes rested on a large trophy on the wall. Harry (full of curiosity) got up and made his way over to the wall. The trophy was brown with a gold plaque in the middle which read the words:

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE AND JAMES POTTER

1ST CLASS WIZARD WALTZING CHAMPIONS 1980

Harry stared at the trophy. What the hell was his dads name doing on Dumbledore's wall? on a trophy? waltzing?

Harry was confused (as usual). The trophy was next to another trophy which read:

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

1ST CLASS BEARD GROOMING CHAMPION

THE HOTTEST BEARD IN TOWN!

Harry couldn't understand why his dads name was on the trophy. He glanced around the room. His eyes fell upon a familiar object resting on Dumbledore's desk. It was the Pensieve. he had an idea. The trophy must be one of Dumbledore's best memories. He would surely store it. Dumbledore was probably grooming his beloved beard. Harry was sure there would be enough time……He only hoped it would work.

He slowly walked over to the Pensieve and gazed at the swirls inside. He glanced hard…….The room was changing……………

He was in a room. A room filled with music. Witches and wizards dancing. A ballroom. It was huge (the ballroom that is). Harry could just about make out the judges table at the far end. He searched frantically around the room for his father. This must have been to do with that trophy.

Then he saw Dumbledore. He was dressed in his best ballroom robes. His beard was gelled and plaited. His long hair was pulled into buns on each side of his head and his half moon spectacles were decorated with baubles. He had a huge sign on his back which read "73" (his ballroom entry number). Harry moved closer. As he did so, he noticed that Dumbledore was standing with someone who looked very much like an older version of Tom Riddle. Surely not?

He was sitting right next to Dumbledore and "Tom" now. He listened.

"We are up any moment now Tom" said Dumbledore "I trust you have been practising?"

"Of course I have Albus. I would never go out there and breakdance without practising first".

"Pleased to hear it, Tom. You know, I think that little talk that we had has settled things hasn't it?"

"What little talk?" asked Tom.

"The talk about you and this ridiculous idea of taking over the world" said Dumbledore.

"That was my plan, until I met you Albus. You and your beautiful beard have changed me. It would be my dream for us to dance together in the final." said Tom.

"Ah, now I had been meaning to talk to you about that. I would love to dance with you in the final Tom. However-"

Before Dumbledore could finish they were called onto the dance floor. Harry moved closer. Harry recognised one of the judges as Snape (sporting pigtails and a robe with the words "breakdancing bitch" on the front"). Another one of the judges was (remarkably) Argus Filch!!!! He was actually wearing clean robes which had the words "Micheal Jackson kicks ass" on the front. Next judge was McGonnagol, wearing red robes sporting the words "Morris dancing Minx" on the front.

Dumbledore and Tom began their routine. Dumbledore started off with a simple Morris dancing routine followed by the can-can. Tom followed with some break dancing ("He's doing it all wrong, his legs aren't right" whispered Snape to McGonnagol). Dumbledore then began to do a dance that could only be matched to "The birdy song", whilst proudly swinging his beard between his legs. They then finished off with the Funky Chicken.

After they had finished, the judges held up their signs. They had been given reasonable marks (with the exception of Snape who totally disagreed with the break dancing slot and insisted that he was the "bitch of all breakdancing")

The dancing partners made their way back to their seats. Harry moved again.

"Now Tom, there is something I have been meaning to tell you" said Dumbledore.

"What is it sweetbeard?" said Tom.

"About the final. I ….ah….I……cannot dance with you Tom"

"Oh come on Albus, surely I'm not that bad?" said Tom.

"Actually you suck" said Dumbledore. "But that's another matter".

"Well what then?"

"I ……I've …..I've been seeing someone else Tom".

"What?"

"I've been seeing someone else Tom"

"What?"

"I've been seeing someone else Tom"

"uhehmmmhhpphh"

"Pardon?"

"hhhuummpphhgrrrrrr"

"Excuse me?"

"heh ummm Since when?"

"Since what?"

"Since when have you been seeing someone else and when you say "seeing", do you mean as in having you know what with them?"

"What's you know what?"

"Sex"

"Oh erm yes. Me and my beard have had sexual intercourse with this person".

"What person?"

"The person I have been seeing"

"Who is this person?"

"James Potter"

"James?"

"Yes"

"Potter?"

"Yes"

"Is he the one that's been bonking Lily Evans and has just had a kid with her?"

"Yes"

"Then why are you bonking him then?"

"Because Tom, We fell in love. I am sorry. It just happened. I know I'm old enough to be his grandad and all but the truth is, you suck at dancing and sex. So I've been sneaking off and having one hell of a time behind your back. Truth is you were never going to succeed in taking over the world because you are a total smeghead. Everything you do is full of smeg. So me and my beard will leave you now Tom. Goodbye".

Dumbledore got up and began to leave the Ballroom. Tom looked furious. Then came his outburst.

"YOU STUPID PATHETIC CRACKPOT OF AN OLD MAN! GET YOUR SHRIVELLED ARSE OVER HERE NOW AND EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING YOU STUPID BEARDED FOOL! I QUIT BEING EVIL FOR YOU AND WHAT FOR? TO HAVE YOU SHAG ARSE BEHIND MY BACK".

Dumbledore turned back.

"You see Tom, I've always had a problem with your little outbursts. One would think you were going through the menopause. Oh and don't try tracking me down or murdering James Potter. Because that would be really silly".

"I'LL GET YOU DUMBLEDORE! I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE A FOOL ANYWAY. GO ON, HAVE POTTER AS YOUR DANCING PARTNER. SEE IF I CARE. I DON'T. WELL, ACTUALLY I DO. I'LL MAKE YOU AND POTTER PAY FOR MAKING ME LOOK STUPID!!! I WAS GETTING TIRED OF SEEING YOUR SHRIVELLED ARSE IN MY FACE ANYWAY!" Shouted Tom.

"Shrivelled, hey?" said Dumbledore. "Then Tom, would you kindly like to inform the ballroom about the ENORMOUS HAIRY MOLE THAT IS SITUATED ON YOUR LEFT BUTTOCK CHEEK?"

Tom went red. Then purple. Then green. Then yellow. Then multi-coloured.

"How. dare. you" he said slowly. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MY MOLE IN PUBLIC. NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!!! THAT MOLE IS MY MOLE AND IS PRIVATE!! YOU HAVE BEYOND RIDICULED ME!!! MY REPUTATION IS CRUSHED. HOW DARE YOU BRING MOLEY INTO THIS? WATCH YOUR BACK DUMBLEDORE. AND POTTER'S. THEN AGAIN IM SURE YOU WILL BE WATCHING HIS BACK IF YOU'RE BONKING HIM!!!!!!!"

"Goodbye Tom. Hope you find help soon".

The entire ballroom was silent. Apart from Snape who was sniggering and sticking his arse in Filch's face as if to indicate a mole.

Harry sat there. Dumbledore slept with Voldemort. He cheated on Voldemort with Harry's dad. Harry felt sick. Suddenly, he felt himself moving……..

He was back in Dumbledore's office. He still felt sick. A voice made him jump.

"Ah Harry, I see you have witnessed one of my great-"

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" Shouted Harry. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE CHEATING ON VOLDEMORT WITH MY FATHER?"

"Ah…yes…I was going to mention it. Slipped my mind though."

"SLIPPED YOUR MIND? THAT'S WHY HE KILLED THEM ISN'T IT? HE WAS JEALOUS OF YOU DANCING WITH MY FATHER WASN'T HE? THAT'S WHY HE WANTED HIM DEAD!"

"It would seem so. Yes. Harry this must be a terrible shock for you. I am most terribly sorry that I did not tell you."

"So what does Voldemort want with me now?" said Harry, calming a little.

"It would seem that he wants you to waltz with him, Harry. Want's to see if you have the power to compete with him in dancing"

"And what about my mother? Why did he kill her then? she had nothing to do with it. And if Voldemort wanted to dance with me, then why did he try to kill me on that night then?".

"He killed your mother because James told her about the mole on Voldemort's backside. Killed most of the people at the ballroom aswell, with the exception of our professors and caretaker." said Dumbledore.

"And what about me? I was only a year old. I wouldn't even know what a mole was so why would he want to kill me?" said Harry.

"No idea. Changed his mind obviously"

Harry couldn't believe he was hearing this. He came up with a numbered list in his head so he could make sense of it:

Dumbledore danced with Voldemort Voldemort danced with Dumbledore Dumbledore slept with Voldemort Voldemort slept with Dumbledore Dumbledore cheated on Voldemort with dad Voldemort had an enormous hairy mole on his left buttock It was called Moley Voldemort killed dad because of jealously Voldemort killed mum because she knew about Moley Voldemort wants to dance with me?!!!!!!!!!

Harry still couldn't make sense of it. He was sure he had gone mad.

"Harry, I'm sure tonight has been very difficult for you. Please, return to your common room" said Dumbledore.

"Aren't you going to expel me for what I did earlier?" asked Harry.

"Of course not!! Glad you did it Harry! I did enjoy myself with the beard attention. And Professor McGonnagol loved her "encounter" with Elvis. It was merely Professor Snape's idea that you come to me tonight. I won't punish you Harry."

"I think I've been punished enough. Shall I go straight to the dormitory? only, Snape wanted to see me" said Harry.

"Proceed to your dormitory. I shall take good "care" of Professor Snape" said Dumbledore.

Harry turned and left.

*********************************************************************

By the time Harry reached his dormitory, everyone (including Ron and Hermione) had gone to bed. He was a little pissed that they hadn't waited for him. Then again, it was nearly midnight.

Harry plonked himself on a chair near the fire. His head was spinning. Why had no one told him about this?.

Suddenly, there was a noise coming from the fireplace. Harry looked up and saw a very familiar disturbing scene.

Sirius' member was now sitting in the fireplace. Poodle ring intact. Harry sighed. As if things couldn't get any worse. He now had to talk to Sirius' penis. It would be so much better seeing his face instead.

"Hi Harry, How's things? Have you missed my poodle? I've given it a little kennel to live in. Look, isn't it adorable? my brotwurst is ten times more interesting to look at now" said Sirius proudly.

Harry put his head in his hands and groaned.

Suddenly, a magnifying glass appeared in the fire next to Sirius' member. Arthur Weasley's hand appeared.

"ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it's astounding. It's fabulous! It's fantastic! I keep persuading Molly to let me have one!! She won't let me though. Says she doesn't like the idea of a poodle living on my privates. oh but it's marvellous!!!"

"I'm going to bed" said Harry.

"ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh let me touch it Sirius, let me see it!!!!!!!!! muggle piercings, ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh excellent! Superb!!!!! I've never seen anything like it. Genius muggles. MOLLY, MOLLY COME AND LOOK!!!!!!!

"Goodnight" said Harry, dragging himself up the stairs to bed.

He wouldn't tell Hermione or Ron about Dumbledore just yet. All he knew was that he had some serious dancing to practice……………………….