I'd walk through hell for you, let it burn right through my shoes

These soles are useless without you

Through hell for you, let the torturing ensue;

My soul is useless without you...

I'm standing in my hospital room staring at my body in the bed. I need to get back into my body; I need to remember my family. I want to say all the things I need to say to Derek. I can't change him by never regaining my memory. I'm not trusting…I get it. But I can trust myself that this is a good idea. I can no longer keep building walls up against Derek. Yes, he has hurt me. Yes, he's lied to me. But he's right…I can't trust anyone. I can't trust and that's why I run. I don't want to be hurt anymore, I don't want to run…I want my happily ever after.

I can see my body shifting in the bed. The eyes open and stare directly at me and I stare back. I think I can see me…as weird as that sounds. I take a deep breath, hopefully I can hear me too.

"Look…I need to get back in there. I need to remember Derek and my friends."

"Why? It'd be better this way. You'd be able to start fresh, no guilt. You and Derek can truly start over. You wouldn't remember the pain he caused you and you could be bright and shiny. Don't you see? Don't you understand?"

I grit my teeth, "Of course I fucking understand! The pain is there for a reason, it reminds me everyday of my mistakes. From those mistakes I grow and learn not to make them again! I can't just stand by and watch as you can't remember…it kills me. I want to remember Derek. I love Derek. He's…he's the reason why I lived the first time and he's the sole reason why I'm alive this time. He saved me. And now I need to save him. You need to let me do that."

I see myself consider this a minute, "Fine. He's been through enough hell."

I smile slightly and walk towards the bed. I have no idea how to do this, but I climb in the bed and lay down. I close my eyes tightly, hoping it worked. Soon exhaustion overwhelms me and I'm fast asleep.

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I wake up and look around. I don't even remember how I got into the on call room. I run my hands through my hair as I look at the clock on the wall. It's almost 4 in the morning. I stretch before getting up. I can't believe I actually slept. I hadn't slept like that since my last sleep over at Mer's. I sigh as I pull on my sweater and I make my way to her room.

I see that she's asleep, but I go in anyways. Even if she's not truly here…I need to be. I take her hand in mine and brush a strand of hair off her face. Her nose scrunches up, but she remains asleep.

"God…please let her remember. I know this is selfish, but I need her to remember. I can't see her this broken…this hurt and know that yet again I've caused it. Please God just bring her back to me. I need to hear her giggle and see the sparkle in her eyes again. I love her so much it hurts and this kills me. I need to know I've saved her. I need to know that there's hope for us. I need to know that I made a terrible decision and that she can fight me on it. But this hurts the most…it hurts worse than her actually being dead for hours. So please…just let her remember," I bring her hand to my lips and kiss her knuckles lightly.

I look at her face for any signs of her waking up and there's nothing. She's still snoring lightly and her breaths are even. But I can see her scrunching her nose again and that makes me wonder. She always did that when she was waking up and she always played the fake snoring card when I would say something to her. I cock my head to the side and watch her slowly open her eyes. I immediately notice a change in them.

"Doctor…um…Shepherd, right?" There's a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"Mer? Do you need anything?"

"How come you're in here?"

"Umm…I'm just checking in. Can I get you anything?"

I see her rub her nose before turning back to me.

"Yeah can you uh…can you get me a book to read? I'm bored."

"Sure. Is a magazine alright?"

"Nah. I think I want um…The Sun Also Rises. Oh! And some coffee ice cream," she says with a giggle.

My heart skips a beat. Does she remember?

"Meredith…do you remember?"

She bites her lower lip and I have my confirmation.

"Maybe?"

I smile at her and fight the urge to kiss her. After a few seconds of staring into her eyes, I throw caution to the wind and capture her lips. I feel her hesitant at first, but she soon give into the kiss. I feel her fingers at the nape of my neck and I shiver. Just as I was about to deepen it, I hear someone clearing their throat. We both pull away quickly and turn our direction to the doorway.

"I see Grey has her memory back. Either that or you're taking advantage again," Mark has a smirk on his face.

"No Mark…I'm back. At least I think I am," she giggles. Thank God she's back.

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Mark's just left the room and it's just me and Derek. I don't know what to say to him. I could say that I'm sorry, but I don't know what I'd be sorry for. It wasn't my fault that I crashed my car…oh God…my baby. Meredith it doesn't matter…you're alive, remember? You can get another car. Alright what do I tell him? The silence between us is deafening. He's the first to break it.

"Mer…I love you."

I close my eyes and sigh.

"I know Derek. I…I love you too. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," a few tears escape my eyes.

"It's alright. You're back with me…its okay. I'm the one who should be sorry. I've always hurt you and you're broke because of me. You can't trust because I pulled the rug out. It's just…I'm sorry for everything. I just want us to be okay again."

"What about Rose?"

"Rose was never anything Mer. It's always been you. She was a mistake. I love you and I couldn't ever love somebody else as much as I love you," his eyes are sparkling and I smile back at him.

I start to feel a little light headed and I close my eyes. I bring my hand up to knead my temples.

"Mer…are you alright?"

"Yeah fine. I think I'm fine. Dizzy."

My head feels like it's on fire, but maybe it's just because of the surgery. I open my eyes again and the room's spinning. I see spots and the blackness slowly creeping in.

"No…Derek…not fine," I say just before blacking out.

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So any reviews this time? I got hardly any last chapter. Sorry this has taken so long, but school's been kicking my ass.