Chapter 7

Raphael laid in bed one afternoon listening to music as he thought of everything that had happened to him recently. It was still completely insane in his mind that he had somewhere along the way developed these forbidden feelings for his brother. He wished that he could go back to a simpler time, a time when he didn't notice the chiselled curve of Leo's jaw line, or the smooth skin that gracefully moved with the reflex action of his well muscled arms. Leo's body and spirit were the ideal of total perfection. Although Raphael knew deep down that it wasn't true, Leo had his flaws like all of them, he had nevertheless always felt that Leo had tried to be the perfect son never doing anything wrong in his Sensei's eyes. These were the things that he had been jealous of at one time, but now he realized he had gotten over it and in its place, a spark of admiration had taken its place and he no longer found this quality something to resent in his brother. Raphael had not been fully aware of how great this admiration had become, because here he was now, wondering if he actually loved this about Leo.

Leo's face haunted him in his sleep taunting him, enticing him, driving Raphael further over the edge of love and lust then he had come to realize. Now here he was obsessing over his blue clad brother, wanting to hold him down and taste every inch of his green skin. In the beginning, Raphael would have given up these feelings in order to feel normal again. Back to a time when he and Leo were brothers and nothing more, but now that Raphael was getting in deeper and deeper, he knew that there would never be a chance to go back again. He was already in over his head, but a part of him loved that. He was torn between the feelings of being in love and his own self loathing for his attraction to his brother. It hurt him deep inside knowing that Leonardo would never feel the same way about him, but on the other hand, he had never been in love before, and cherished those moments when their hands would touch, or they would share a smile, or when their eyes would make contact, even for the briefest moment.

Of course, things had been easier for Raphael since Leo and Marissa had broken up. He at least didn't have to worry about catching them in the act like he did before. The problem was that even though Leo was free, Raphael knew that he could never reveal his true feelings to his brother. The fear of rejection was too great. He knew that Leo would be horrified if he learned of Raphael's true feelings, and would probably hate him for it. That thought hurt Raphael more than he could begin to fathom. Even if by some miracle Leo did feel the same way, he knew that Leo wouldn't touch him without the approval of Splinter and his other brothers. Raphael was sure that they would be disgusted at the thought of the two of them together, and he honestly couldn't blame them. Prior to these new found feelings, Raphael was sure that if any of his brothers would have come to him and confessed their undying love for each other, he likely would have freaked out at them. In the end he probably would have accepted it, but even though they weren't blood related, they were still brothers and that counted for something.

Raphael rubbed at his face with the palm of his left hand as if trying to wipe the thoughts from his head. He knew that dwelling on this wasn't helping the situation at all. He really needed to put this out of his mind and concentrate on other things. Already his confusion had started to take a toll on him during practice, and everyone seemed to notice as they kept pestering him to tell them what was wrong.

In fact, in his stupor Leo had hit him in the head during practice that morning because he had failed to block an easy attack Leo had sent his way. He just wasn't able to focus. His family had been shocked at when that happened and swarmed him. Raphael had wanted to scream at them to leave him alone, but he knew that would do more damage than good, so he forced himself to keep his mouth shut and bite down on the inside of his mouth, leaving what he was sure would be permanent teeth marks.

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Marissa sat by the window of her apartment waiting. She was so use to Leonardo being there each night, she had almost forgotten that she banished him from her life a few days ago. With a sigh of frustration, she let her head fall forward and bump lightly against the cool glass.

She absentmindedly watched the fog pattern grow on the glass with each warm breath as she wondered if he would come back to her. She really did love Leo, but he was being stubborn. Maybe she had been a little harsh when she told him to stay away, but she honestly didn't think that he would have taken that too seriously. People said things when they were angry that they didn't always mean, but she wasn't the type of girl to wait around either.

Marissa glanced at the phone and wondered for the hundredth time if she should give him a call or not. Maybe it was best to leave him for a few days like he had originally wanted so that they could cool down a bit before talking.

Marissa sat up as she heard the front door open.

"Hey" a male voice called from the kitchen "I hope you like Chinese"

David walked into the living room holding a couple of take out boxes and some plates.

"Mmmm, I love it" Marissa replied smiling.

David leaned forward and planted a light kiss on her lips and handed her a plate "Let's eat"

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Surprisingly, Leonardo had found these last few days after he and Marissa had ended their relationship easier to get through than he had expected. He knew that his family would be supportive, but what was really surprising was how his hot tempered brother was acting towards him. He was being nice, really strange and a little tense, but nice. Leo chalked it up to Raph feeling guilty about the way he had acted before. They were able to talk in a civilized manner without being each other's throats for a change. It wasn't as if they were sharing their deepest darkest secrets with each other, but he had been unusually kind to him since he found out about Marissa.

As much as he enjoyed this new found peace he and Raphael seemed to have acquired with each other, Leonardo couldn't help but wonder if he would have to soon duck and cover for the Raphael sized explosion which he was worried might happen someday. Leo sighed to himself, maybe he was reading to far into it. Raphael's temper really had improved a lot in the past couple of years, and he felt somewhat guilty in assuming the worst.

Whatever the reason was behind it, he was glad to know that Raphael seemed to be taking his feelings into consideration and going easy on him for a change. Hopefully if they kept this up, someday Raph would be able to open up to him a bit and maybe they would be able to grow closer as friends. He knew that Raph and Mikey were really close, as were Mikey and Don. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy that he had never established more of a friendship connection with any of his brothers. He knew that it probably had to do with him being the leader. He was often forced to be the bad guy and force his brothers to do things they didn't want to do. Of course Raphael had always been the worse by far when it came to challenging his authority, but on the other hand, if something were to happen to him, he expected that it would be Raph who would probably step into the role of leader. He often thought Raphael would be a great leader if he learned to control his temper, and was please to see that lately he had been improving. He just hoped it lasted.

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Raphael was sitting in the lazy boy next to the sofa in the living room. On the sofa Leonardo, Splinter, April and Casey sat while Don took the rocking chair opposite of him and Mike was sprawled out on the floor with a few pillows. It was movie night, and this time it was Casey's turn to pick the movie. Not surprisingly he had picked out some cheesy western like he almost always did. Towards the end of the movie, Raphael's attention span was rapidly declining and his eyes began wandering the room aimlessly until they rested upon Leonardo. Raphael felt his pulse pick up and the sudden warmth that traveled his body left him slightly tingly.

The changing colours of light from the television danced across Leonardo's skin altering its green colour from pale shades to darker ones, and Raphael found himself staring. In fact he was gazing at him for so long he didn't realize Leo was looking back at him with a questioning look on his face. Raphael tore his gaze away and glued his eyes to the television just as the credits were rolling across the screen. He felt his face heat up, and he prayed that he didn't have a dopey look on his face when he was checking Leo out.

Casey got up and ejected the DVD from the player and Raphael swallowed hard as he dared to take his eyes off of the television. As he glanced back at the sofa, he was surprised to see the hard, yet concerned look his father was giving him. Raphael suddenly realized with horror that his Splinter must have also noticed Raphael staring at Leonardo. He mentally kicked himself and tried to act as normal as he could. Sudden paranoia set in so he pulled a sai out of his belt and began to play with as casual as possible as he suddenly felt like everyone in the room was looking at him and reading his every thought.

"Oh God" Raphael thought to himself "Okay there's no reason to panic here. Just act normal, you didn't do anything wrong"

"Raph!" Mike screamed in Raphael's face.

Raphael nearly jumped out of his shell as he dropped his weapon on his leg cutting himself right above his knee.

"Jeez Mike what the hell are ya doin? Trying to give me a heart attack?" Raphael snapped at his younger brother as he inspected the cut. It barely broke the skin, so there was no blood.

"Dude I said your name like 10 times and you didn't answer me" Mike replied in an exasperated tone.

"Are you okay?" Don asked from across the room.

Raphael then noticed that everyone in the room was indeed staring at him.

"Ah Shell" he thought to himself.

"What is it Mikey?" Raphael sighed ignoring Don's question.

"I wanted to know if you wanted to stay up with me and watch another one"

"Another one what?" Raphael asked stupidly.

"Leo how hard did you hit him in the head?" Mike asked looking back and fourth between Raphael and Leonardo.

"If you only knew" Raphael thought bitterly.

"I'm fine Mikey" Raphael said clueing in that Mike was referring to the movie he was holding in his hand "Yeah I'll watch it with ya".

Raphael really wanted to get out of there and go to bed, but at the same time he knew that taking off for the cover of his room would leave them even more suspicious, and plus he also knew that it would more than likely provoke Leonardo to follow him back to his room and question his strange behaviour. It almost frightened him how much the thought of him and Leo alone in his room with Leo being all concerned turned him on. That scenario would be bad indeed, so staying out here at least until Leo was down for the night was probably the best idea.

"Well we're gonna head out" Casey said as he and April picked up their jackets and headed for the door.

"I'll see you guys later" April called out as they left.

"Bye April" Don called back.

Raphael raised an eye ridge as he noticed how his purple clad brother stared after April with an almost dopey expression on his face. It then dawned on Raphael that Donnie had a crush on April. How come he never noticed that before? Raphael sighed to himself. What he wouldn't give to have a nice, normal healthy crush. He made a mental note to ask Don about it later.

Splinter, Don, and Leo all got up and left the room going to bed. He and Mike both made their way to the sofa and sat at either end as the movie began to play.

"So um is everything okay with you Raph?" Mike asked. "Cause you've gotta admit dude, you've been acting kinda strange lately. It's starting to freak me out"

Raphael rubbed at his temple tiredly. Of everyone he knew, he hated lying to Mike the most. Mike was his best friend in the world, and he knew things about Raphael that no one did. When the two of them were off alone, away from everyone else, they were able to drop the acts and be themselves with each other, knowing that there wouldn't be any judgments from either side. Raphael didn't feel he had to hide behind his rough exterior, and that he could say what was bothering him. Mike had once confessed to Raphael that he loved his role as the care free happy one of the family and wouldn't trade it for anything, but sometimes he wished that he could drop the act and be serious without being stared at like he had three heads. He also had said that being that way had earned him the title of youngest brother even though they were all the same age, which led to the family treating him as such. This normally didn't bother Mike because it meant he got away with more, but when it came to making serious decisions, he was often treated like he didn't know what he was talking about. Raphael knew that when they were younger teens, he was guilty along with his brothers for treating him that way, but once they had grown closer and he realized there was a lot more to Mikey then what met the eye, he resolved to take his brother more seriously. Sure he still liked to tease his brother, and Mike often still annoyed the crap out of him, but he now knew that Mike had a whole other side that no one knew about.

Raphael thought about Mike's words for a few moments and wondered what he should say. He knew there was no way he could say he had feelings for Leo, but he wondered how Mike would react if he confessed he was attracted to guys. Telling Mike that much would be safe and it would be a huge relief to get that off his chest. Plus he knew that Mike would never tell anyone.

"I've had a lot on my mind bro" Raphael replied. He was surprised at how nervous he was feeling.

"Well tell old Mikester what's bothering ya"

Raphael drew in a deep breath "Well it's kind of hard to talk about"

"You know that anything you say stays between us right bro?" Mike reassured him.

"Yeah I know, but this is pretty big"

Instead of provoking him to keep going, Mike sat patiently waiting for Raphael to talk on his own terms.

Raphael drew in another deep breath and folded his arms across his plastron. "Ah the hell with it" he thought to himself.

"Well it's like this bro, I think I like men" he said boldly looking Mike directly in the eyes with a hard look a determination on his face.

Mike blinked.

"Mikey?"

"Wow" Mike said stupidly "Well I've got to admit I didn't see that coming, but there's nothing wrong with that."

"So it doesn't freak you out?"

"Naw of course not bro. It doesn't change who you are. Being gay isn't anything to be ashamed of"

Raphael thought on this for a moment. "Well I'm not sure if I'm gay either"

Mike blinked again.

"Are you bi?"

"Yeah I think maybe I am. I still think women are hot"

"Well that's a bit of a relief bro, because I was worried I lost my favourite girl watching partner. Well of course we can go guy watching to. I'll do my best to find some hot studs for you." He grinned.

Raphael threw a pillow at Mike and laughed at his brother. Telling Mike helped a lot, and he was glad Mike was being normal and light-hearted about it instead of trying to press him into getting all deep and talk about his emotions.

"Don't worry about that Mikey, I'm not sure I could handle guy watching with you. We'll stick to the ladies"

Mike grinned "Just offering bro"

A sudden movement behind them alerted their attention, and they both jerked up to see Leonardo walking by them on the way into the kitchen.

Leo flashed them a nervous grin "um…I'm uh just getting a glass of water then I'm going right back to bed"

Raphael felt his heart sink. He knew that Leo must have heard them because he was acting strange and guilty. He was a terrible actor.

"Dude I think he might have heard our conversation" Mike whispered after Leonardo disappeared into the kitchen, confirming Raphael's suspicion "cause he's acting funny"

"Oh god" Raphael said covering his face with his hands "this can't be happening."

Mike bit his bottom lip "It'll be okay Raph, Leo won't judge you for it. In fact I don't think anyone will have a problem with it"

"Oh shit" Raphael said ignoring Mike "Oh shit, oh shit"

"Why are you getting all bent out of shape over Leo finding out? It's not like you want Leo or anything"

Raphael tensed visibly and his breath hitched.

Mike watched him confused for a moment when it suddenly dawned on him "HolyfuckingcrapyouwantLe…" Mike babbled incoherently before Raphael tackled him to the floor and clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Shut up moron" Raphael hissed looking around the room wildly to see if anyone was standing around watching or listening to them. "Yes okay, yes I do, but you have to shut up or everyone else will know to" he whispered harshly.

Mike nodded his head wide eyed. Raphael took his hand off of Mike's mouth and helped him up. A moment later Leo walked back out of the kitchen, flashing them another nervous grin while he headed back towards his room. Once he was out of sight, Mike grabbed Raphael's arm and dragged him out into the sewer tunnels away from their home where they could talk in private.

"Dude do you seriously have a thing for Leo?"

Raphael groaned as he rubbed at his face. This day couldn't possibly get any worse. "Yeah Mike its true. So do ya hate me for it?"

Mike looked stunned for a moment "No of course I don't hate you Raph. I'm pretty shocked, but I don't hate you. You're my bro and my best bud"

"Thanks Mikey. But if you ever tell anyone so help me…"

"I won't say anything, but I got to know, how did this happen? Oh man that's why you freaked out when Leo said he had a girlfriend is it?"

"I don't know how it happened Mikey, I didn't even realize it when he said he had a girlfriend. At the time I wasn't sure why I was so upset by it."

"When did you figure it out?"

"The night he brought her over, I saw them making out on the couch. All I could think about was ripping her to shreds"

"Oh man this is…whoa"

"Yeah I'm still having a hard time with it. He's my brother for Christ sakes! I'm sick!"

Mike thought about this for a second "Actually he's not really your brother. We aren't actually related, so it's not so bad"

Raphael stared at Mike in disbelief "Not so bad?" he repeated "This is a freaking nightmare Mikey! Maybe we aren't blood related, but we still think of each other as brothers. We were raised as brothers. Master Splinter would disown if he ever found out and Leo would probably hate me for it"

Now it was Mike's turn to stare in disbelief "I think your underestimating them a bit Raph. Give them more credit then that. I think Sensei would understand if you went to him about it and as for Leo, he would never hate for loving him. He may not feel the same way, but you'll never know if you don't try."

Raphael laughed "Mikey are you seriously saying that I should tell them? Are you freaking nuts?"

"I'm saying you should give it some thought, because you can't keep something this huge bottled up. You'll explode dude"

I can't believe we're even having this conversation" Raphael said exasperated "This is unreal. Look bro, I can't tell you how relieved I am that you are taking it so well, but get it through your head, I sure as shell ain't gonna tell them."

"Now come on" Raphael said clapping Mike on the back of his shell "Lets get back before someone comes lookin for us"

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