Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy or any Family Guy characters, nor do I own Zack, Maddie, CJ or Tilly. I do own all other side characters though.
I also don't own any other pop culture references or songs that feature in this chapter or are either referenced to or alluded. FYI, anyone who can tell which band I stole the other band members' (except CJ) names from gets my infinite respect. Hint; it's the same as their roles.
If you read, please review.
Maddie's POV
What a weekend. All I can say is that I hope I can chill for a bit...but I know someone who isn't going to be doing any chilling. Here's Tilly and CJ.
"You guys got the stuff?"
"Catapult and pie?"
"Bingo." I snuck over to Francesca's locker and opened it. Thank God for easily manipulated computerised locks. Then I fitted the catapult and stuck the pie on the end.
"Cassandra to Ivy, Cassandra to Ivy. Taki is entering the room." Sh-t. Better work faster. I wound the catapult back so that it would flip the pie in her face when she opened the door, then I quickly shut it. She came up with her sidekicks. As usual. It's such a cliche.
"What are you hanging around here for, bitch? At least your party sucked as I knew, of course. I just came to laugh."
"It sucked more than you do." Oh wow Brandi, is that the smartest thing you've ever said? They all laugh. B-tches. At least she'll get her comeuppance...
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Now. Oh my God...she's covered in the pie! This one is awesome. One of my best. Almost as good as that time in middle school when I covered that b-tch Olivia in cottage cheese. The Prank Queen still lives.
(As Maddie leaves the locker room, Original Prankster by the Offspring plays).
Yep. Chemistry first. Practical. Why's that good? Because today I am Jason's lab partner! His normal partner is away and Tilly has to go for an orthodontist appointment...God if you exist and you love me you'll make sure me and Jason are partners.
"Maddie! Maddie!" Crap. What does CJ want from me?
"Maddie..." He's out of breath. He is so his fathers son. I hope for his sake Tilly takes after their mom. She ditched them when we were about 2...I'd guess she was really smart and realised her boyfriend was a total idiot.
"Spill it dipsh-t. What do you want?"
"Maddie...me and the guys are starting a band."
"And I care about this why?"
"We need a bass player." I know where this is going..."And since you're my cousin and all, I hoped you'd do it."
"Yeah. Nothing in a million years would convince me to go in a band with you and your sh-thead mates."
"Please?"
"No. Now piss off."
"Please?"
"NO!!"
"Alright." He slinks away before returning. "Please?" I guess one session wouldn't kill me...
"Okay. But on one condition. You have to make it clear to all your mates that I am not now, or ever, going to have sex with any of them."
"Can you have sex with me?"
"I'm your cousin, you idiot!"
"So? Everyone's having sex with family. It's the new oral."
"No it isn't. Where in the name of God did you get that idea?"
"I don't know. So will you?"
"Hell no! But I will play in your band."
Afternoon drew around, and so far this day has sucked. I didn't get Jason as my lab partner because Mr Mackey thought we could handle it alone for one day, Francesca guessed I rigged the pie in her locker and now all her sidekicks are throwing pie at me (it's gonna take years to get it out of my hair) and to cap it all, Tilly got the day off after she needed to have her braces removed. Let's hope jamming with CJ's band will help...
"Oh my God we actually have a girl down here!" Damn it dumb arse, didn't I make it clear to you to tell your mates I'm not available? "And she smells of pie!" I need a shower so bad, but since CJ's basement stinks anyway it doesn't matter.
"Lee, Thurston, chill out. That's my cousin Maddie."
"So? Family is the new oral." Where do these guys get their ideas?
"No, she's our bassist."
"You're kidding right?" CJ's drummer. Scarily, he's the smartest of the bunch. "I mean, we can't have a girl in our band! Who are we, Bikini Kill?"
"Come on guys. Having a chick in our band will be awesome. We'll get a load of girls at our shows who come for Maddie, and leave with us."
"Okay, but can she play?"
"Why don't you retards see for yourselves?" I plugged in my bass and started jamming. After about five minutes where I did nothing, the drummer started banging along. That was the cue for the guitars to kick in, and CJ (with Ozzy Osbourne glasses) started vocalising. Unbelievably, he's pretty good.
"Okay, I think we've got a band. Which is good, cause we play a show tomorrow."
"WHAT? We haven't learned any songs?"
"Which is why we're gonna practice until we learn one." Great. So much for a shower.
After hours of torturous practice and trying to write lyrics (which is harder than it seems when your entire band are idiots), we finally managed to write a song. Unfortunately its 3 am and I need to sleep...
"Maddie...Maddie...Maddie..."
"Dude, she is so hot while she's sleeping."
"I heard that." I woke up. I had somehow managed to fall asleep on CJ's couch.
"We got to get to school. It's 9 am and we're already late." Tilly?
"Yeah, I braved it down here. Lee hit on me as usual but I can bear it."
"Let's go." I got up before realising I was in my bra.
"Okay which little maggot stole my shirt?"
"It's OK, I got it. CJ was holding it."
"He's doing a good job of keeping his pervy mates away from me."
"Meh. It's just his idea about family being the new oral or some sh-t like that."
"Where does he get his ideas from?"
"Don't ask. I remember what happened when I tried to find out."
(Flashback)
Tilly sneaks into CJ's room while he is sleeping. She shrinks herself using a shrink ray she stole from Stewie (the ray has "Property Of Stewie Griffin" written on it) and then climbs into CJ's head. After she exits the ear, she doesn't see the brain anywhere.
"It must be somewhere here...AAAAAH!" She fell off the edge of the ear and into a giant swirling vortex.
"So that's where my TV remote got to!"
(End Flashback)
School was hell as usual. Maybe I could write a song about that?
I'm here, back in our 9 to 3 communal jail
Die inside, locked inside our 9 to 3 communal jail...
Nice start. Save it for later. Here's Nozzy and the Retards.
"You got your stuff?"
"Yeah. How are we getting there?"
"Dad's driving the van." Uncle Chris was indeed parked outside.
"Hurry up guys, I got to make a sale."
Even though Uncle Chris drives like he is drunk most of the time, somehow we managed to get to the place where we were supposed to be playing. Only it was...
"A strip club? A freaking strip club? That wasn't part of the deal!"
"It was this or a four year old's birthday party. What would you have chosen?" Tilly, back me up here...
"But...come on! You're the big time feminist here."
"I just want to get rid of CJ for a while so I can get stuff done for a change, okay?"
"What the hell are you planning?"
(Cutaway)
Tilly is sitting in her room with chemistry equipment.
"Okay, so I have the necessary formula range for my synthetic petrol. Now I just have to adjust the...Oh my God that new Fall Out Boy video is on!" Her attention is now focused on the TV, but she doesn't realise that she set her desk on fire until she turns around.
"Noooooooooo!"
(End Cutaway)
"Never mind. Let's just get you guys set up so I can get back to what I was doing."
We crawled up the stairs, with Uncle Chris helping the boys get their equipment before being stopped by the bouncer.
"Sorry, you have to be 18 to enter. Even hot lesbians. You two ever gone the other way?"
"Listen you pervert, I'm in the band that's playing."
"No under 18s allowed unless supervised."
"Great. How are we going to get in?" The boys caught up with us. Finally.
"Lurch here won't let us in cause we're under 18."
"Is that all? I can fix that." What's he got up his sleeve...
"...Okay CJ, this is your dumbest idea yet."
"Come on! It always works on TV."
"Yeah, until the coat is pulled off." It's the old "stand on someone's shoulders in a trench coat and a moustache" trick. And it's lame. And I have to carry Lee on my shoulders, and he is heavy. Still, it's better than riding on them.
"You're thinking of riding me, aren't you?" Not in that way, you perv. We staggered to the bouncer, CJ and Thurston first.
"No trench coats allowed."
"DAMN!"
He just laughed. "Kid, if you want to get in, you're going to have to do better." We left in defeat.
"We're supposed to be on stage in half an hour." Quit your whining, CJ.
"If only we knew someone who could get is in."
"Hey CJ, Peter's hot and slightly less hot grand daughters. What're you doing out here?" Just the person we need.
"Mr Quagmire? What are you doing here?" Jesus I didn't realise he was that dumb...but he always manages to surpass himself.
"I come here every day! So what brings you to Girl, Girl, Girl?"
"Our band's supposed to play, but we got Spinal Tapped."
"You mean some guy dressed up as a doctor and did stuff to your spine? Aren't you a bit young for that?"
"No, it's from This Is Spinal Tap. You know, the movie about the band that tours around America and has weird stuff happen to them?"
"Were there any chicks?"
"Couple of groupies."
"Then I don't remember it."
I sighed. "Now isn't the time to talk movies. Mr Quagmire, do you know a secret way into this place?"
"Sure!"
"Can you tell us where it is?"
"Only if you show me your secret way."
"Eew, gross!"
"I mean the secret way into your house! Goddamnit, why does everyone automatically assume I'm trying to talk dirty all the time? LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M A HUMAN!" (the last two sentences are Quagmire imitating Chris Crocker).
"O-kay." That was wierd. "Anyway, can you lead the way?"
Tilly's POV
Quagmire snuck us into the back of the club, which was the strippers' dressing room.
"I never thought I'd be trying so hard to get into a strip club." My thoughts exactly. But CJ is sniggering.
"What's so funny, turd?"
"Hehehe. You said hard. And we're in a strip club. Get it? We're claiming you're a boy."
"Oh, real smart." Eventually we got to the door which led right into the club.
"That was easier than I expected."
"What'd you think? There'd be some big maze which you had to crawl through and kick some ninja butt?"
"Um..yeah."
"God! Kids these days..." Quagmire may think like an old man, but he's still a perv at heart.
"What are you kids doing in here?" Some sleazy looking guy...must be the manager. I am so pissed...no more pulling punches.
"We're the band YOU booked. We've just snuck in through you're back room which smells of cheap perfume and shamelessness, and we have all our stuff. The least you can do is fcking let us play!"
"So you're the band? Why didn't you say so! Get up there." Finally we're gonna play!
"Since you were late you can only play one song, then take your pay and get outta here." I began to argue before Maddie reminded me that we can only play one song.
Okay that was one hell of a show. In five minutes, we managed to get our stuff set up, then rush through one three minute song. We have to get a good pay check out of this.
"Okay kids, here's your pay." WHAT! Autographed photos of strippers?
"Don't we get money?"
"I was going to pay you, but this young Ozzy you got here exchanged all your pay checks for autographed photos."
"CJ Griffin..." He is so dead once I get out of here.
"Hey honey, you ever considered stripping?" What? Maddie a stripper?
"I'm 15, you perv."
"So? We don't check. It's good money and you'd be perfect, with that whole bad, rocker chick vibe you got going on."
"Nothing and nobody could ever convince me to take my clothes off for drunk, horny men. Unless I was totally desperate for cash."
"Well, let me know before you pop out two kids and go to seed." He stared at me. "You too. With some new tits, we could have a real asset here."
"Come on Tilly, let's get out of here." We all got out of there, got in Dad's van and left that hole.
Author's Note: OK this is the first chapter about CJ, Maddie and Tilly's band. My question; should I write a few more chapters about the band, or save it for a separate story later?
