Chapter Seven: "I Want A Lifetime."
Meredith was lying transfixed in her hospital bed. She lost herself in the stillness of the room. It was well after 10:00PM. She still felt weak. She was exhausted and still lucid. She'd spent most of the day being poked and prodded by Amelia. Meredith spent hours listening to all the advances in Alzheimer research. She learned about drugs and procedures. Amelia's passion for Derek's project was thrilling. She'd received every sort of scan, fluids, and she'd finally eaten both lunch and dinner with all three of her children. She paused at the thought of her beautiful children. She was a mother. Derek had given her children.
"I don't want you to be alone. If anything should happen to me, I don't want it to just be you." His voice was soft and serious.
"Well, we would make pretty babies," Meredith spoke as her eyes glistened.
"So you're thinking about it?" Derek smiled.
"Oh.. I'm thinking about it."
Meredith closed her eyes. They did make pretty babies. She was so happy she'd thought about it. She was so thankful he'd given her a family. They created life. She had people to love. She had half of him in each of her children. She wasn't alone.
She closed her eyes and focused on her heart beat. If she held completely still she could hear it contracting repeatedly. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. She thought about all the times she laid in bed with Derek cuddled up with her head on his chest. She would listen to his heart and softly stroke his skin. She loved hearing his body proclaim life. Sometimes she was certain that their hearts beat in time together as one. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub.
"48 uninterrupted hours."
His voice called to her. When she was lucid, she was well aware of how far away he was. He wasn't real. She swallowed hard. Her esophagus constricted in protest. She longed to hear his heart beat. Lub-Dub. Lub-Dub.
"48 uninterrupted hours."
She would love to be anywhere with him for 48 uninterrupted hours. She would actually prefer forever, but she would take 48 uninterrupted hours over nothing. It had been too long. Twenty years. She sighed, forcing her trachea to exhale the breath that kept catching in her lungs. She breathed in slowly, filling each lobe of her lung to capacity. Lub-dub. Lub-dub.
"I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you. I wanna build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm 110 years old in your arms."
He followed through. Derek was never one to break promises. He did all of those things. He married her. They had kids. He built her a beautiful house, but he didn't grow old with her. He wasn't going to die when he was 110 years old in her arms. Her heart lurched.
"I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."
She wanted a lifetime too. She missed him. They had been so close to having a lifetime. Lub-Dub. Lub-Dub. Her chest had a faint ache in it. She focused on her breathing. The room was silent. Visiting hours were over. She searched for peace. She found it in his voice.
"I'm not gonna get down on one knee. I'm not gonna ask a question. I love you Meredith Grey… And I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
A lone tear slipped down her cheek. With closed eyes she memorized his soft features in the moments of his proposal. Her greatest fear was that she would forget him. Derek. Her Derek. She searched her brain for his scent, his smile, the touch of his skin. She imagined him inside of her, filling her completely. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. She imagine laying with him; feeling safe. She heard his laugh. She ran her fingers through his hair. She stared into his eyes.
"What do we want to promise each other?" Derek asked.
"That you'll love me… even when you hate me." Meredith said.
"To love each other, even when we hate each other," Derek repeated as he scribbled on Meredith's post it pad and then added, "No running. Ever. Nobody walks out no matter what happens."
Meredith wanted to run. She wanted to run as far away as she could. She wanted to run straight into Derek's arms. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Her chest ached. She felt faint.
"No running." Meredith agreed.
"What else?" Derek questioned as he continued the scribble.
"That we'll take care of each other even when we're old and smelly and senile…" Meredith replied, "And if I get Alzheimier's and forget you…"
Derek cut her off, "I will remind you who I am. Every day."
Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Meredith could hear her heart rate increasing. A searing pain shot through her sternum. Something wasn't right. 'Derek.' She told herself, 'he isn't here to remind you.' She refused to forget him. He didn't choose to break his vows, a bastard in a truck did. An incompetent hospital, with an incompetent staff broke his vows.
Lub-dub. Lub-dub. Lub-dub. She tried to breath, but her ribcage wouldn't expand. She clutched her chest.
"I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."
She watched Derek take a bullet to the chest.
She saw Derek lying in a pool of blood.
She saw herself covered in his blood.
She searched for Derek in a forrest, screaming his name at the top of her lungs.
She saw Derek fainting to the ground.
Plane crash.
She saw Derek lying in a hospital bed.
Dead. Derek was dead.
Her heart seized. She could no longer hear the Lub-dub of her working cardiac muscle. She struggled for air through the pain in her chest. She was feeling lightheaded. She reached for the help button. She thought about paging a nurse. Her heart sputtered.
She closed her eyes. It was bright. The room was so incredibly bright. Her chest ran hot with pain. She could feel her heart cramping. Her left arm was going numb. She felt nausea. Her head pounded in protest.
"I'm scared." Meredith whispered.
"I know." Derek whispered back. His features were soft. He looked peaceful and soothing, "You can do this."
She was drawn to his soft smile, his soft voice. He calmed her panic.
"It'll be over in a second."
She found comfort in his eyes. She searched his face. The pain wasn't so bad.
Derek nodded, "You can do this Meredith."
"Okay." Meredith replied and she believed him.
"Okay." Derek nodded.
Meredith dropped the help button. She wasn't going to page a nurse. She was going to see Derek. April 23. She hated this day. She pictured his face as a storm raged through her chest. Lub...du... Lub...d... Lub...du....She saw herself in the water again. She was swimming. She was fighting. Twenty years had been too long. She closed her eyes and a small smile rested on her lips. She wasn't going to fight it. She wasn't going to swim. She exhaled her last breath. Lub…..
"I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime."
Silence.
Time of death: 23:17
