Danny felt a recognizable degree of discomfort as he walked towards the diner. It had been plaguing him for most of the day, since that morning when he had seen Lacey and then she had virtually disappeared. She hadn't even gone to school later on, which was tremendously unlike her. He had spent his entire fifth period class randomly fixated on her empty seat. He had tried to text her a couple of times but received no response, he would have been worried if not for that brief moment they had shared before she had gone to her car. Her avoiding him after something relatively poignant happened between them was almost regular form, though he hated to admit, but it had never gotten to the point where she failed to go to class.
After not hearing anything from her, he had asked the group at lunch where she was, Sarita's expression had a noticeable tinge of knowing to it, but she made some passing remark about Lacey not feeling well and hastily attributed that to her absence. Danny didn't buy it of course, but refrained from questioning Sarita further as he saw the curious looks on both the faces of Jo and Cole. He had realized in that moment, that he didn't want to get into that particular conversation. The one where Lacey was the primary topic, at a table full of people, whom half of which had great allegiances to her. This fact of course, he was preeminently grateful for, but knew they might emphasize more with her plight than his.
He opened the front door to enter Johnny Cake's, in hopes that Jo would shine some type of light on the situation. She was always very vocal about her own opinions and stance on the issue of her two best friends and their relationship, she would undoubtedly speak freely. He spotted her right away, her blonde hair covered by a grey beanie. He approached the booth easily and slid into the side opposite her.
"Desai," Jo said evenly, dropping her pen after finishing whatever it was she was writing.
"Masterson," Danny countered, leaning back into the booth and rolling his tired shoulders.
"Are you feeling okay?" Jo wondered aloud as she studied him. Something about him was off. She couldn't put her finger on it, but one look at him coupled with what she had in her possession to give him, pretty much gave way to what the catalyst was.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Danny brushed off her inference quickly, running a hand over his face. "What's up with you? How are you?"
"Hmmm," Jo said thoughtfully as she continued to study him, it hurt her that he was in this perpetual state of discontentment. It had been like that with him for some time now, well really in truth, with both he and Lacey for some time now, but clearly things were getting worse and more sorted, not better. "Don't change the subject. We're gonna talk about you."
"It's not a big deal," Danny sighed, as he started tapping his foot. Jo could see the unsettled energy tumbling off of him and she hated that this was his reality. "I just haven't been sleeping well."
Jo assessed him silently. The obvious signs of lack of sleep where plaguing his features. She sighed as she leaned back in the booth and attempted to decide what she was going to say. She had more than one opinion on the matter, and wondered if he would be graciously receptive to what she said or if he would try to change the subject. It usually depended on what type of mood he was in, and with lack of sleep combing over his body, he'd probably not be too keen on her advice. But she wasn't ever really one to hold her tongue, so she'd probably end up giving it to him anyways.
"I have something for you," Jo remarked gently, reaching her hand down towards the part of the booth she wasn't occupying, out she pulled his jacket. She held it out to him as she watched his expression flicker and his eyes change.
"I gave this to Lacey earlier today at sunrise," Danny muttered, taking the jacket from Jo, looking at it for longer than necessary, as if it had the answers to questions that he desperately needed clarity on.
"Yeah, that's what she said," Jo responded knowingly as she watched him.
"She wasn't at school," Danny replied, his earlier discomfort deciding to disperse further throughout his being. "When did she give this to you?"
"Before I came here," Jo explained. "She wanted me to give it to you."
"She could have given it to me whenever," Danny said almost miserably, raking his hand over his face as he casted the jacket down onto his side of the booth. "Hell, she could have kept it."
"That's a very emphatic reaction to getting your jacket back," Jo observed as she breathed.
"What is she even doing?" Danny exclaimed as he tried to keep his mind from spinning scenarios. "Does she have a message for me too? Are you going to start being the go-between with us?"
"Like hell I am!" Jo objected sincerely, it was hard enough being so close to the two of them and loving them despite the turmoil that existed there.
"Why did she just leave like that this morning?" Danny wondered aloud. "She said she was going to the car to get her phone and then just like that... she was gone."
"She just said she didn't feel good," Jo offered, her voice rang with something that resembled doubt.
"You sound like you don't believe that," Danny countered as he took a deep breath and tried to calm his uncertain and negative feelings.
"I just think there's a real reason," Jo remarked with contemplation. "There's always a reason."
"Well I wish I knew what it was," Danny mumbled tiredly.
"What would you do if you did?" Jo posed thoughtfully.
"I don't know," Danny sighed with a distinct tone of dejection in his voice. "I don't know anymore."
"This morning before the sun came up, who were you talking to before you came over to ask me if I'd seen Lacey?" Jo asked, already knowing fully well the answer to her question. She saw his face and eyes take on a pensive glare.
"You think that's why she just left like that?" Danny questioned hurriedly. "Without a word to anyone? I was worried something happened. I don't think it was that. I already told her nothing was going on between Amelia and I."
"That might have been what you said but..." Jo trailed off, her eyes leaving his momentarily as she could tell his irritation coupled with his lack of sleep was making him agitated.
"You don't think she believed me?" Danny surmised, after observing the way Jo cut of her sentence before it's completion.
"All I know is you haven't given a girl more than 15 minutes of your time in two years that wasn't me, Sarita or Phoebe." Jo explained carefully. "And that fact is definitely not lost on Lacey. All of a sudden this new girl's at school and she caught your attention."
"Okay, no..." Danny rebuked steadfastly. "She doesn't have my attention. At least not like that. She's new and we have a class together. She's a nice girl. You'd like her."
Jo gave Danny a look that signified he could have kept the last bit of that proclamation to himself. She wasn't interested in having to expand their group of friends anymore than it already was. Especially to some girl who probably had some hidden ulterior motive were Danny was concerned. But she quietly reserved verbal judgement, though the look on her face expressly stated her unenthusiastic position on the matter.
"You don't feel strangely, secretly happy that Lacey's a bit jealous?" Jo asked pointedly, propping her chin up on her hand as she thought about the nooks and crannies of that relationship between the two of them, and then by extension how it affected the relationship between the three of them. It had ebbed and flowed in moments, but it was always largely notably when Danny or Lacey couldn't engage fully in the bond that the three of them shared, because of the feelings and boundaries of their own failed but still impending coupledom.
"No," Danny replied matter-a-factly. "Because even if she is jealous, thats not going to change her mind about us. That's not going to change her mind about leaving."
"How do you know that though?" Jo further prodded. "She's never even had to experience jealousy where you're concerned. You've been zeroed in on her since the moment you got out of juvie."
"That's not going to change anything, Jo," Danny added convincingly. "Besides keep her from talking to me for days at a time, clearly. But I guess it's not that big of a difference from when we get in a fight and she tries to put distance between her and I. Or when we..."
Danny suddenly lost both his words and his train of thought. He was visited by memories of the two times where they had let their physical need for the other, cloud the decision that was already set firmly in place. The decision that was labeled "friends not lovers", just friends, only friends. Not fully friends. In that tenuous space of not really but I can't help it. Disasters made their mark in that expanse. Emotion swam laps in those waters.
"When shit happened," Jo said plainly. Finishing his sentence with nonchalance for him. Noting the way his disposition notably shifted. "I think that..."
"What?" Danny asked, now tapping his fingers against the table.
"Never mind," Jo attempted to amend the beginnings of her prior remark.
"No, just say it," Danny sighed deeply, his eyes were heavy and his body heavier.
"It's the fact that you don't open up to her," Jo explained lightly. "You don't open up to anyone but that's considered more acceptable. With her its a different story."
"There are things she doesn't need to know," Danny mumbled. "Things I don't want to talk about with anybody, least of all her."
"You don't think she knows that?" Jo questioned directly. "You don't think she knows you try to protect her from your truth? When she's the one who deserves it more than anyone, when she's the one who needs it more than anyone?"
"It's not that simple," Danny let out, his eyebrows knitted together as Jo's words resonated in the deepest part of his chest. "Why would I hurt her that way?
"You wouldn't hurt her though," Jo tried to explain. "You would be trusting her. You would be showing her that you trust her with the gory, painful details."
"I just can't," Danny maintained, rubbing his hand over his weary expression. "There are things I can't tell her or you or anybody. You understand that. You don't try to pry it out of me."
"I'm also not in love with you." Jo said briskly, casting an acute look in his direction.
Danny sucked in all the air around his mouth but stayed silent at Jo's words. If it was possible, his heart suddenly carried the fatigue that was localized in his eyes and body. It sank and sank under the weight of her statement.
"Just think about it from her perspective," Jo offered carefully. "Everything that she's ever been through, you know about. Even if she didn't open up to you about it right away, or even if you weren't there when it happened, you know about it. You know how they've shaped her into who she is. She can't say the same about you. You don't allow her to know the why. She just knows that you get angry, that you have a temper, that you hate your father, that you have impulse control problems and you want to be with her. She doesn't know why. All she can do is assume."
Danny breathed as he listened to Jo's words, each one making a bigger indent then the one that came before it. He knew she was speaking at least a little bit of truth, even if he didn't want to admit it. Even if he knew that what she was suggesting would be almost impossible for him to manage. It still didn't prevent it from ringing true and having elements of accuracy attached to it.
"I only know a fraction of how you feel about your dad," Jo went on as she assessed his demeanor and the tight line that he held his mouth in, as he listened to her speak. "Because I felt some of that with my mom when everything came out."
"My father is much worse than your mom, Jo." Danny muttered.
"I just worry about you," Jo admitted after taking a pause. "I worry about the both of you. And what this is gonna be like in a few months, if what it's like now is any indication. She's going to be so far away and you're gonna be here."
"It'll be fine," Danny said stoically. He wanted to change the conversation so badly, he could feel his head start to hurt. "Plus, you won't be far away. Columbia's right around the corner."
"Not that close," Jo responded, but offered him a small smile. "But close enough. At least I can check on you and make sure you're behaving yourself."
"I wouldn't expect anything less," Danny sighed ruefully, returning the light and fleeting smile himself. Hoping she was done with this particular topic. Fortunately, she sensed that he'd listened to enough on the subject as she stayed silent for awhile, both reflecting on her words.
It's difficult to digest the moving and ever changing aspects of what make up the dynamic and interpersonal relationship between two people. Danny was coming to grips with that as he sat on his bed, staring at his phone. He glanced over at his jacket, the one that he had placed over her shoulders so much earlier in the day, the sight of it made him unsettled and restless. He glanced back at his phone and realized that he had been in this very spot more times then he could count or would care to admit. He had been just like this, wondering if he should call her again or maybe text her, at least a dozen times and it was exhausting and tiresome each time he found himself there. It was like the strangest, most wretched form of deja vu and he felt his fatigue start to transfer into sadness and he tried to reign it in. His fingers gently flicked over his phone as he called her, hoping against hope that she'd actually answer. When he heard her voice on the other end, it shocked him so deeply that his breath hitched in surprise.
"Hi," Lacey offered, her breath even.
"You answered," Danny said almost dumbly. He was more than a bit surprised she had.
"Yeah," Lacey said plainly, attempting to reason herself out of an attitude or being short with him. She knew he didn't deserve it. She knew that the way she was feeling was her problem, and her problem alone. She resented herself for taking it out on him, but in truth she was taking it out on herself in equal amounts. She had been for the past two years.
"Lacey, I can't do this anymore," Danny explained softly, after the shock of her answering wore off and the reason he had called resurfaced in his mind.
Lacey was silent on the other end as his words hit her like a bus. Her heart sunk and she experienced a great sense of apprehension regarding what he was going to say next. He had phrased his words in such an odd manner, that it almost sounded like he was about to break up with her. But that was impossible, because they weren't together. How could he break up with her if they weren't together? Lacey tried to better compartmentalize that thought as the silence hung over the phone, and she waited for him to continue. She reasoned with herself that if it wasn't him breaking up with her, which for technicality purposes was futile, maybe he was going to end their friendship? That seemed even more preposterous and unthinkable. She took a deep breath and broke the silence.
"What does that mean?" Lacey questioned, holding the phone too close to her ear.
"We don't have time..." Danny trailed off again, his words were escaping him. The sound of her voice was lulling and distracting him. "You have to stop shutting me out. When something happens, when nothing happens. I just... you have to stop."
"I know," Lacey breathed, suddenly feeling her emotions on an upward ascent as her throat tightened.
"I miss you enough already as it is," Danny explained loosely. "I shouldn't have to miss you more than I already do. Not yet."
Lacey fought against the tightening of her chest as a wave of emotion flowed over her body. She felt her eyes stinging as the familiar blurring occurred that she'd experienced earlier in the day. She hated that she was being reduced to such outward displays of unrest. She silently thanked whatever lucky stars were still on her side, that she wasn't in front of him for this conversation.
"Lace," Danny's voice gently cut through her internal dialogue and outward physical unraveling.
"You're right," Lacey managed, trying to regulate her voice enough to manage speaking without her current emotional state being detected.
"Are you crying?" Danny inferred almost immediately. Her voice suddenly sounded odd and as if it held a specific hinderance.
"No," Lacey quickly mumbled angrily, as if her voice had betrayed her. She moved her mouth away from the phone to take a deep breath.
"Lacey," Danny said with keen seriousness.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." Lacey maintained as she cleared her throat. "And you're right. We don't have time."
"You wanna tell me why you left this morning, and then didn't go to school, and then gave Jo my jacket as if you couldn't just give it to me when you see me tomorrow?"
"I didn't feel well." Lacey began, sticking with her story out of habit.
"Lacey, the truth." Danny pleaded.
"I just needed a day," Lacey explained, trying to further regulate her breathing as the tears had stopped falling down her face. Yet she was still a confine of emotion. "I just needed one day to just not be anywhere."
"Did I do something?" Danny questioned. "Earlier this morning?"
"No, you were..." Lacey trailed off. "No, you didn't do anything."
Danny wanted to push the subject. Wanted her to admit something, reveal something, say something that would assuage him, but he knew that she probably wouldn't. He knew that she would keep herself within the confines and barriers that she had laid out.
"You wanna study tomorrow?" Lacey asked hopefully, trying to both change the subject and lighten the conversation.
"I can't," Danny explained slowly. "I have this thing I have to do."
His lack of further explanation of what that meant set her heart off. She instantly, though completely irrationally, wondered if he had plans with Amelia. She realized she couldn't go down that road of unmitigated jealousy again and tried to dial her reaction down.
"Okay, well I'll see you at school tomorrow." Lacey offered, ready to end the conversation and her internal struggle for the day.
"Yeah, okay." Danny responded. Relative silence hung on the line for a few moments as both of them heard the sound of the other breathing and subconsciously didn't want to be the one to disrupt the occurrence.
"Bye Danny," Lacey finally offered gently after the quiet, mixed with his breathing, started to consume her.
"Bye."
