Author's Note: Final chapter. Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. You're all lovely. Happy New Year =)
I.
Time
Passes
.
Hours
Then
Days
Then
Weeks
.
And
She learns
The pain
Isn't
Right on
The surface
Anymore
It's
Under
Her
Skin
.
Inside
Her
Bones
.
In
Her
Nightmares
.
Part
Of
Her
Bloodstream
.
It's not
As sharp
Or raw
As it
Once
Was
.
But
It has
Sunk in
.
And
She can't
Change
That
.
Anymore
Than
She can
Change
The
Weather
.
Which
Is turning
Colder
Darker
And
Greyer
Every day
.
December
Is getting
Closer
.
Everywhere
She goes
There are
Lights
Music
Bells
Smiles
.
Long lines
Crowded parking lots
Too much traffic
.
It's not
Even
Thanksgiving
Yet
But
The holidays
Are already
In full swing
.
She imagines
She'll spend
Thanksgiving
Christmas
New Year's
Under the covers
Or
On the couch
.
Or maybe
With her head
In the oven
With the gas
Turned up
High
.
(Just kidding)
.
(She'd rather
Shove it
In the
Fireplace)
II.
Yesterday
She sent
Two
New demos
To Rayna
.
She
Called
Today
To talk
To Layla
About
Them:
"Beautiful
Music
Sweetheart
This is
Some
Of
Your best
Work.
Real
Personal
And gritty
A lot of
Feeling.
Some of it
Is just
Heartbreaking."
.
It took
A minute
For
Layla's throat
To unstick:
"Yeah
Thanks."
.
Her album
Is being
Released
Soon
.
Highway 65
Put it
On the
Calendar
For early
Next year
.
They're aiming
For
A release date
Towards
The middle
Of
March
.
She has
Some
Finishing touches
To make
But
It's almost
Complete
.
Pretty soon
She'll be
Back
In the
Studio
Working on
Album #2
.
Right now
She throws
All her
Concentration
Into
New material
.
She
Can't
Think
About
What will
Happen
When
Release Day
Arrives
.
She
Used to
Look forward
To it
Like
A seven-year-old
Looks forward
To
Christmas Day
.
Now
Her stomach
Churns
Whenever
She thinks
Of how
She'll get
Through it
Alone
.
He
Should
Be
Here
.
He
Was
Supposed
To
Be
Here
.
But
He
Isn't
Going
To see
Any of it
.
What he
Believed in
When
No one else
Did
.
What he
Worked
So hard for
When
No one else
Would
.
What he
Pushed
Out of her
When
No one else
Tried
.
What he
Knew
She was
Capable of
After
Everyone
In this city
Had
Written her off
As
A reality show reject
A tabloid headline
A laughingstock
A failure
.
Used up
Discarded
Worthless
Broken
.
She was
All of that
And
More
Until
Jeff
Believed
.
He
Should
Be
Here
.
This album
Is as much
His
As it is
Hers
.
It will
Feel
So wrong
To celebrate
Without
Jeff
.
She doesn't
Know
How
She's going
To make it
Through that day
Knowing
He's left
An empty space
In a moment
They
Should have
Shared
.
She doesn't
Know
How
She's going
To make room
For the rest
Of her life
With this
Taking up
So
Much
Space
.
It aches
Every time
It aches.
III.
She spent
All last year
Losing
.
Her marriage
Her trust
Her happiness
Her dignity
Her career
.
And now
She's lost
This
As well
.
Three minutes
Tick tick tick
And
Then
.
There's
Nothing
.
The single line
Points
To the
Truth
.
Hers
Is
The only
Heartbeat
Under
Her skin
.
She's hunched
On the
Bathroom floor
Holding
The proof
.
Tears
Course down
Her cheeks
As she stares
At the
Minus sign
.
She feels
Like
Throwing up
Again
.
Whether
It's from
Relief
Or
Despair
She can't
Tell
.
A part
Of her
Feels like
She's lost
Jeff
All over
Again
.
That test
Was
The last hope
For
Her
.
That
He really
Had left
Something
Behind
.
That
She hadn't
Been erased
From his
World
.
That
She had
A part
Of him
To hold onto
.
That
He wasn't
Completely
Gone
.
It's
A kind of
Loneliness
She's
Never
Felt
Before
.
Even
After
Weeks
Of
Being
All
Alone.
IV.
There are
Worse things
She can do
Than
Run
On wobbly legs
While the sky
Looks ready
To break
.
But
She's restless
And rattled
.
There's
An itch
Under her skin
That won't
Go away
Unless
She runs
Over miles
And miles
Of asphalt
Without
Stopping
.
So
She laces up
Her shoes
And
Heads out
.
Ignoring
The muggy haze
In the air
And
The stagnant wind
That says
More rain
Is
Coming
.
This morning
Smells like
Sick-sweet decay
And
Earthworms
As she jogs
Down the street
.
It feels like
The world
Is holding
Its breath
.
Like
It has
Never
Seen
The sun
Before
.
Faster
Faster
.
She has
To keep
Going
.
If she
Stops
She'll
Never
Get
Momentum
Back
.
Then
The entire run
Will be
A waste
.
Faster
Faster
.
She has
To keep
Going
.
Will
Told her:
"You need
To keep
Going.
You have to.
It's the
Only way
You'll make it
Through
This."
.
(Again
With the
Euphemisms)
.
(He couldn't
Just say:
"Your boyfriend
Killed himself
But
You're
Still alive
And
You need to
Remember
That.")
.
(As if
She could
Ever
Forget
She's here
And
He's not)
.
(As if
She could
Forget
He left her
Alone)
.
Humidity
Circles the air
Choking her
With the stench
Of rot
As
Her feet
Slap the asphalt
As
Her arms
Pump at her sides
As
Her breath
Becomes ragged
As
Her legs
Push her farther
.
Faster
Faster
.
Above her
The waiting skies
Are
Impatient
To release
Something
Wild
Frantic
And
Pointlessly
Destructive
.
But
Right now
The city
Is divided
Between
Something
Ferocious
And
Something
Still
.
In between
Rage
And
Recovery.
V.
Will
Is staring
At the
Stovetop
His face
Wary:
"You can't
Convince me
That's
Anything
Resembling
A burger."
.
She
Brandishes
Her spatula
At him
.
It drips
With
Hot oil:
"They're
Called
Veggie burgers."
.
Will
Shakes his head:
"Vegetables
That look like
Meat
Have
No business
Calling themselves
Burgers.
They
Aren't
Even
Burgers.
They're
Tofu
Hipster
Crunchy
Granola
Garden
Shit
And
The only people
Who eat them
Are
Dudes in Birkenstocks
And
Girls who don't shave."
.
She laughs:
"Spoken
Like a
True
Country boy."
.
Will grins
And
Layla can tell
He's happy
To be
Messing with her
.
Even happier
To see her
Eating
.
This is
The first
Real food
She's eaten
In a long time
.
Definitely
The first time
She's cooked
Since
Atlanta
.
Heating
A frozen
Garden patty
On the stove
Isn't
Exactly
Gourmet
.
But
It's
Something
.
Her
Hip bones
Have been
Sticking out
For a while
.
This morning
She undressed
To
Take a shower
And
Caught
A glimpse
Of
Her reflection
In the
Mirror
.
She'd
Avoided
Looking in mirrors
For
A while
But
This time
When
She saw
Her naked image
She couldn't help
Staring
.
Since
Atlanta
She'd become
Skin and bones
.
The person
In
The mirror
Looked
Nothing like
The
Layla Grant
Anyone
Would
Recognize
.
Her body
Looked
Starved
Ravaged
Exhausted
.
She looked like
She survived
A catastrophe
.
Layla
Hadn't
Planned
To get up
Today
.
But
Seeing
Herself
In the
Mirror
Suddenly
Made her
Want
A hot bath
Clean underwear
Something
In her
Stomach
.
She made it
To the tub
Slipped on
A clean shirt
.
Almost
Threw
Her sheets
Into the
Wash
.
But
She
Couldn't
.
(They
Still
Haven't
Been
Washed
Since
Atlanta)
.
Will
Keeps talking:
"You know what
P.E.T.A.
Stands for
In Texas?"
.
He looks
At her
And grins:
People
Eatin'
Tasty
Animals."
.
She smacks
Him
In the
Shoulder
And
Laughs
.
It sounds
Weak
To her ears
But
For the
First time
In weeks
It doesn't
Sound
Forced.
VI.
Yesterday
She was
In the studio
Cutting
A new song
And
Rayna said
Layla's invitation
To spend
Thanksgiving dinner
At her house
With
Her family
Was still
Open:
"You
Are more
Than
Welcome.
We
Would
Love
To have
You."
.
Layla replied:
"For
Dinner?"
.
Rayna nodded:
"Yes
For
Dinner."
.
It took them
Both
A minute
To realize
Layla
Had made
A
Joke.
VII.
The more
She thinks
About
That
Test
.
The more
Grateful
She is
It came back
Negative
.
It may
Have been
A piece
Of him
She could
Hold onto
.
But
She'd always
See
His face
In
Someone else
And
Wonder
.
If things
Had been
Different
And
She'd known
Before
Atlanta
Would he
Have
Stayed?
.
What if
He didn't?
.
Would he
Even want
That future
With her?
.
Would he
Be happy?
.
Would he
Walk away?
.
Would he
Love it?
.
Would he
Want
To be
A family?
.
She's glad
She doesn't
Have to carry
The burden
Of
Explaining
Atlanta
To someone else
.
She
Will
Never
Be
Able
To
Explain
It
.
She would
Dread
That
Conversation
From the
Moment
It was born
Holding
Him
Or
Her
For the
First time
And
Knowing
One day
They would
Learn
What she had
The
Hardest
Way
Possible:
.
Love
Isn't
Enough
To
Save
You
Or
Anybody
Else.
VIII.
New
Morning
.
The ground
Freezes
And
Her breath
Bursts
In white clouds
And
The cold
Presses into
Her ribs
Like a knife
.
First
Day
Below
Freezing
.
The floor
Is like
Ice
Under her feet
.
The windows
Are speckled
With frost
.
The sun
Is so
Bright
It
Looks like
Someone
Set the sky
On fire
.
She glides
One finger
Along
The rime
Of
Frost
On the inside
Of
Her window
.
Traces
A star
In the glass
.
Like she did
When
She was
A little girl
.
The yard
Glitters
With
Frost
.
The
Treetops
Shiver
As
The last
Autumn leaves
Plummet
From
The glass branches
To
The hard ground
Below
.
The world
Is
So bright
It looks
Almost
Reborn
.
Almost
New
.
She
Erases
Her star
With
The palm
Of
Her hand
.
While
The morning
Burns
Through
Her windows
The sheets
Come off
Her bed
.
She tugs
Them
Off
Until
It's just
The mattress
Sitting in its frame
.
Naked
Empty
Anonymous
.
Like
Jeff's
House
.
There isn't
Any sign
He had
Ever
Been here
With her
.
She takes
The sheets
To the
Laundry room
.
Pours
The detergent
Sets
The cycle
Closes
The lid
Presses
The button
.
Then
She sits
On the floor
Against the machine
And
Cries
.
When its
Over
She grabs
Her phone
And
Asks Will
If the invite
For
Thanksgiving
At his house
Is still
Good.
IX.
The weatherman
Says
Tonight
Is going
To drop
Below
Freezing
.
Everyone
Should
Stay inside
And
Bundle up
.
Last winter
Was
Harsh
And
Long
.
Maybe
This one
Will be
Just as bad
.
Cold
Grey
Lonely
Brutal
.
Around her neck
Jeff's key
Is hanging
From a
Chain
.
She holds it
Between
Her fingers
.
It's warm
From being
Pressed
Against her skin
.
Was this
Supposed
To be
The goodbye
He never
Said?
.
Was it
A goodbye
At all?
.
Her fingers
Find
The key
Again
Fastened
Around her neck
.
His note
Said
"For the future"
.
They
Were
Making
Plans
Together
.
She startles
Out of
Her memories
When
Will
Pokes his
Head
In the
Doorway:
"Pizza's
Here."
.
She turns off
The television:
"Be there
In a second
There's
A phone call
I have
To make."
.
She grabs
Her cell
Runs
To the
Bathroom
Locks
The door
Behind her
Sits
On the
Closed toiled lid
And
Scrolls
Through MISSED CALLS
Until
She finds
The familiar
Area code.
X.
"Hello?"
.
Layla
Takes
A deep
Breath
When
She hears
That familiar voice:
"Jade?"
.
A
L-O-N-G
Pause
.
Then
The pop star
Replies
With
A cool tone
Halfway
Across the world:
.
"I
Didn't
Expect
To
Ever
Hear
From
You
Again.
After
You
Never
Returned
My fifth call
I figured
You
Fell
Off
The
Face
Of
The
Earth."
.
A heartbeat
Later
They both
Realize
What Jade
Just
Said
.
"Shit
I didn't
Mean it
Like that –"
.
Layla clears
Her throat:
"It's okay."
.
And
Really
It is
.
There's
Silence
From Jade
So
Layla talks:
.
"I'm sorry
I never called."
.
There's
A pang
In her chest
When
She says
That:
.
"I felt
Like
I was
Going
Crazy
For
A while
I
Was
So
Lost
I
Didn't
Know
What
To
Do
I still
Don't
But
I'm
Sorry
I
Never
Called you
Back
I know
You and Jeff
Cared about
Each other
Once
And
I know
How hard
It is
To even
Imagine
This is
Real."
.
Now
Layla's crying
Tears
Strangling
Her words
As the phone
Slips off
Her wet cheek
.
Still
Silence
From
Jade
So
Layla
Plows on:
.
"I'm still
So
Lost
And
I still
Can't
Believe
This is
Real.
I loved him
And he –"
.
The voice
On the
Other end
Of the line
Breaks through
Her tears
As
Jade murmurs:
"Sweetheart
I'm not
Mad.
Forget
Those voicemails.
I wanted
To hear
From you
Because
I was
Worried.
I know
Jeff felt
Something
Real
For you.
I could
Tell
The moment
He came
To see me
And gave me
Your demo.
He was
Passionate
About you
And your
Music
In a
Way
I hadn't
Seen.
Not since
He was
My manager.
Jeff
Could be
A lot
Of things
But
Passionate
Was
At the top
Of his
List.
And
He was
Passionate
About
You.
You
Were
Important
To
Him.
And
He
Was
The same
For
You."
.
She's still
Crying
Too hard
To speak
So
Layla just nods
Into the phone
Like Jade
Can hear
The movement
Across
The continent:
"When he
Died
I felt
Like
I couldn't
Even
Mourn
Him.
His family
Completely
Shut me out."
.
"Me
Too,"
Jade replies
And Layla
Thinks
She hears
A tearful hiccup
In the
Superstar's
Voice:
"I called
His family
A hundred times.
I had
My assistants
Try
To figure out
When
They scheduled
The funeral.
Even
Had my
Manager
And
Some
Bigshots
At my
Record label
Call them
To get
Any
Details.
But
They
Never
Called
Me
Back.
I remember
I cried
That whole day.
My manager
Was
Annoyed
Because
I had
A show
That night
And
I wanted
To cancel.
That would
Have been
First time
In my
Whole career
I would have
Cancelled
A show.
I ended up
Going onstage
But
I had
A huge
Blow-out
With
The label execs
Over it
Beforehand."
.
Layla jackknifes
Into
Herself
Phone still
Clamped
To her
Cheek:
.
"I
Never
Got
To
Say
Goodbye."
.
She
Says
That
More to
Herself
Than to
Jade
.
It hurts
So much
To
Finally
Say it
Out loud
.
Her chest
Feels
Hollow
When the
Air
And the
Words
Leave her
Body
.
But
It also
Feels like
Someone
Just took
An anvil
Off her
Back.
XI.
Will
Can tell
She's been
Crying
As soon as
He sees
Her face
.
She asks him
Without preamble:
"How long
Did you
Know
You wanted
To die?"
.
His face
Goes
White
.
He looks
So surprised
He doesn't
Try
To evade
An answer:
"I don't know."
.
She shakes
Her head:
"Can you
At least
Give me
A hint?
Some number?
Did you
Feel
This way
For
Years
Or was it
Like
A switch
In your
Brain
Got flipped?"
.
Will just
Shakes his head:
"I really
Don't know.
I know
I felt
Bad
For years.
I know
The reasons
I tried
To –"
.
(He can't
Say
The Word.)
.
(Nobody
Says
The Word.)
.
"When I
Felt
That way
It was
Because
Everything
I was
Dealing with
Hit me
All at once."
.
She asks:
"So
It was
A
Split-second
Choice?"
.
Will replies:
"No –
I mean
Kind of.
Yes.
I made
The choice
To die
That night.
I didn't
Spend
The entire day
Knowing
I would try
To
Hurt myself.
I didn't
Spend
The whole week
Planning out
How I'd do it."
.
Layla's arms
Are covered
In goosebumps
.
She looks
At
Will:
"Then
Why'd
You
Do
It?"
.
He doesn't answer
Just crosses
His arms
And
Stares
At the floor
.
She leans
Against
The kitchen wall
Thinking
Maybe
She went
Too far:
"I'm sorry
You don't
Have to
Answer
That."
.
He looks up
At her:
"No
I will."
.
He takes
A deep breath:
"Because
I hated
Myself
So much
I thought
It was
The
Only
Way
To
Stop
Hurting.
I hated
Myself
And
Thought
If everyone else
Could see
Me
At that moment
They'd know
How
Fucked-up
I was.
How disgusting
I felt.
Living
Hurt
Too much
So
Dying
Was
The only way
To
Make it
Stop."
.
He's watching
Her
Carefully:
"Most of all
I wanted
To be
At peace.
And
I thought
I could
Never
Do that
If I
Stayed
Alive."
For a
Moment
All they
Can do
Is
Stare
At each other
.
Will's voice
Is so
Soft
She can
Barely
Hear it:
"Was that
How it was
For you?
I never
Asked."
.
Layla
Thinks about it
Then
Shakes her head:
"No.
I felt bad
Way before
I caught you
With
That woman
But
I didn't think
About dying
As much as
I thought
About
Being dead.
I didn't
Make a plan
Or
Write a note
Or
Look up ways
I could do it
But
I would think
All the time
How much
I wanted
To just
Go to sleep
And
Never wake up.
Or
I'd be driving
And wish
Some huge truck
Would
Run me over
And that
Would be it.
Because
I was
Tired.
All the
Bullshit
Was
Too much
And
Things felt
So bad
And
There was
No way
To fix it.
Then
I saw you
In bed
With that woman.
Jeff rejected me
And
You didn't love me
And
Seeing you
With her
Made
All those feelings
Too strong.
So
I took
The pills."
.
Will
Is nodding
Along
With her
Words:
"It hit you
All at once.
Like a train.
And it
Damn near
Tore you
In half."
.
She has
To hold
Her breath
For a
Moment
Then
Let it out
Slowly
So her heart
Can stop
Racing:
"Yeah.
It hit me
All at once."
.
Silence
.
Then
She whispers:
.
"Why
Did
He
Do
It?"
.
Will
Has never
Looked
Younger
Than he does
Right now:
"I
Don't
Know,
Layla."
.
And
She feels
A deep
Cutting
Sense of
Loss
.
It's
Different
From what
She felt
When
The detectives
Came to
Her hotel room
Or when
Kate banished her
From the hotel
Or when
She called Rayna
And said
The words:
"Jeff's dead"
For the first time
Or when
She cried
On Luke's shoulder
Or when
Will brought her
Back home
And
She saw
The moving boxes
Or when
The pregnancy test
Came back negative
.
Right now
She feels
Farther
Away
From Jeff
Than
She ever has
Before
.
She says:
"I'm
Never
Going
To
Know.
And
I
Don't
Think
I
Can
Live
With
That.
It
Hurts
So
Much
And
Every day
It just
Gets
Worse.
It's
Like
A hole
In me
And
It keeps
Getting
Bigger.
I think
It's just
Going to
Swallow me
Completely
Because
I can't see
A way
Out.
I don't
Think
I'll ever
Stop
Feeling
This way."
.
Will
Puts his arms
Around her
And
Holds her tightly:
"Is there
Anything
I can do?"
.
She closes
Her eyes
Breathing
Him in:
"No.
There's
Nothing
Anybody
Can do.
It
Just
Hurts."
.
They stand
That way
Until
The pizza
Becomes cold
And
The sun fades
To shadow.
XII.
She wonders
If his
Sister
Misses him
At all
.
She wonders
If his
Parents
Have outlived
Their son
.
She wonders
If his
Body
Was buried
Or cremated
.
She wonders
If his
Headstone
Is like
His house
.
Dark
Empty
Impersonal
.
Nothing
Of him
To mark
His life
Other than
Dates
Etched
In stone
.
She wonders
If his
Message –
"For the future"
Was a promise
Or a goodbye
.
She
Wanted
An answer
So badly
.
She
Wanted
An explanation
.
She will
Go
The rest
Of her
Life
Trying
To find
It
.
Every day
Waking up
To the
Same
Questions:
.
Why
He left her
.
Why
He didn't talk
To her
.
Why
He felt like
Nothing
Could be fixed
.
Why
He believed
The rooftop
Was
The only solution
.
Why
She got to live
When he didn't
.
Now
There's
Another
Question
She
Never
Considered
Before:
.
If he's
Found
Peace
.
Maybe
She will
Someday
.
She
Wonders
.
She
Hopes.
