Author's Note: Final chapter. Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. You're all lovely. Happy New Year =)

I.

Time

Passes

.

Hours

Then

Days

Then

Weeks

.

And

She learns

The pain

Isn't

Right on

The surface

Anymore

It's

Under

Her

Skin

.

Inside

Her

Bones

.

In

Her

Nightmares

.

Part

Of

Her

Bloodstream

.

It's not

As sharp

Or raw

As it

Once

Was

.

But

It has

Sunk in

.

And

She can't

Change

That

.

Anymore

Than

She can

Change

The

Weather

.

Which

Is turning

Colder

Darker

And

Greyer

Every day

.

December

Is getting

Closer

.

Everywhere

She goes

There are

Lights

Music

Bells

Smiles

.

Long lines

Crowded parking lots

Too much traffic

.

It's not

Even

Thanksgiving

Yet

But

The holidays

Are already

In full swing

.

She imagines

She'll spend

Thanksgiving

Christmas

New Year's

Under the covers

Or

On the couch

.

Or maybe

With her head

In the oven

With the gas

Turned up

High

.

(Just kidding)

.

(She'd rather

Shove it

In the

Fireplace)

II.

Yesterday

She sent

Two

New demos

To Rayna

.

She

Called

Today

To talk

To Layla

About

Them:

"Beautiful

Music

Sweetheart

This is

Some

Of

Your best

Work.

Real

Personal

And gritty

A lot of

Feeling.

Some of it

Is just

Heartbreaking."

.

It took

A minute

For

Layla's throat

To unstick:

"Yeah

Thanks."

.

Her album

Is being

Released

Soon

.

Highway 65

Put it

On the

Calendar

For early

Next year

.

They're aiming

For

A release date

Towards

The middle

Of

March

.

She has

Some

Finishing touches

To make

But

It's almost

Complete

.

Pretty soon

She'll be

Back

In the

Studio

Working on

Album #2

.

Right now

She throws

All her

Concentration

Into

New material

.

She

Can't

Think

About

What will

Happen

When

Release Day

Arrives

.

She

Used to

Look forward

To it

Like

A seven-year-old

Looks forward

To

Christmas Day

.

Now

Her stomach

Churns

Whenever

She thinks

Of how

She'll get

Through it

Alone

.

He

Should

Be

Here

.

He

Was

Supposed

To

Be

Here

.

But

He

Isn't

Going

To see

Any of it

.

What he

Believed in

When

No one else

Did

.

What he

Worked

So hard for

When

No one else

Would

.

What he

Pushed

Out of her

When

No one else

Tried

.

What he

Knew

She was

Capable of

After

Everyone

In this city

Had

Written her off

As

A reality show reject

A tabloid headline

A laughingstock

A failure

.

Used up

Discarded

Worthless

Broken

.

She was

All of that

And

More

Until

Jeff

Believed

.

He

Should

Be

Here

.

This album

Is as much

His

As it is

Hers

.

It will

Feel

So wrong

To celebrate

Without

Jeff

.

She doesn't

Know

How

She's going

To make it

Through that day

Knowing

He's left

An empty space

In a moment

They

Should have

Shared

.

She doesn't

Know

How

She's going

To make room

For the rest

Of her life

With this

Taking up

So

Much

Space

.

It aches

Every time

It aches.

III.

She spent

All last year

Losing

.

Her marriage

Her trust

Her happiness

Her dignity

Her career

.

And now

She's lost

This

As well

.

Three minutes

Tick tick tick

And

Then

.

There's

Nothing

.

The single line

Points

To the

Truth

.

Hers

Is

The only

Heartbeat

Under

Her skin

.

She's hunched

On the

Bathroom floor

Holding

The proof

.

Tears

Course down

Her cheeks

As she stares

At the

Minus sign

.

She feels

Like

Throwing up

Again

.

Whether

It's from

Relief

Or

Despair

She can't

Tell

.

A part

Of her

Feels like

She's lost

Jeff

All over

Again

.

That test

Was

The last hope

For

Her

.

That

He really

Had left

Something

Behind

.

That

She hadn't

Been erased

From his

World

.

That

She had

A part

Of him

To hold onto

.

That

He wasn't

Completely

Gone

.

It's

A kind of

Loneliness

She's

Never

Felt

Before

.

Even

After

Weeks

Of

Being

All

Alone.

IV.

There are

Worse things

She can do

Than

Run

On wobbly legs

While the sky

Looks ready

To break

.

But

She's restless

And rattled

.

There's

An itch

Under her skin

That won't

Go away

Unless

She runs

Over miles

And miles

Of asphalt

Without

Stopping

.

So

She laces up

Her shoes

And

Heads out

.

Ignoring

The muggy haze

In the air

And

The stagnant wind

That says

More rain

Is

Coming

.

This morning

Smells like

Sick-sweet decay

And

Earthworms

As she jogs

Down the street

.

It feels like

The world

Is holding

Its breath

.

Like

It has

Never

Seen

The sun

Before

.

Faster

Faster

.

She has

To keep

Going

.

If she

Stops

She'll

Never

Get

Momentum

Back

.

Then

The entire run

Will be

A waste

.

Faster

Faster

.

She has

To keep

Going

.

Will

Told her:

"You need

To keep

Going.

You have to.

It's the

Only way

You'll make it

Through

This."

.

(Again

With the

Euphemisms)

.

(He couldn't

Just say:

"Your boyfriend

Killed himself

But

You're

Still alive

And

You need to

Remember

That.")

.

(As if

She could

Ever

Forget

She's here

And

He's not)

.

(As if

She could

Forget

He left her

Alone)

.

Humidity

Circles the air

Choking her

With the stench

Of rot

As

Her feet

Slap the asphalt

As

Her arms

Pump at her sides

As

Her breath

Becomes ragged

As

Her legs

Push her farther

.

Faster

Faster

.

Above her

The waiting skies

Are

Impatient

To release

Something

Wild

Frantic

And

Pointlessly

Destructive

.

But

Right now

The city

Is divided

Between

Something

Ferocious

And

Something

Still

.

In between

Rage

And

Recovery.

V.

Will

Is staring

At the

Stovetop

His face

Wary:

"You can't

Convince me

That's

Anything

Resembling

A burger."

.

She

Brandishes

Her spatula

At him

.

It drips

With

Hot oil:

"They're

Called

Veggie burgers."

.

Will

Shakes his head:

"Vegetables

That look like

Meat

Have

No business

Calling themselves

Burgers.

They

Aren't

Even

Burgers.

They're

Tofu

Hipster

Crunchy

Granola

Garden

Shit

And

The only people

Who eat them

Are

Dudes in Birkenstocks

And

Girls who don't shave."

.

She laughs:

"Spoken

Like a

True

Country boy."

.

Will grins

And

Layla can tell

He's happy

To be

Messing with her

.

Even happier

To see her

Eating

.

This is

The first

Real food

She's eaten

In a long time

.

Definitely

The first time

She's cooked

Since

Atlanta

.

Heating

A frozen

Garden patty

On the stove

Isn't

Exactly

Gourmet

.

But

It's

Something

.

Her

Hip bones

Have been

Sticking out

For a while

.

This morning

She undressed

To

Take a shower

And

Caught

A glimpse

Of

Her reflection

In the

Mirror

.

She'd

Avoided

Looking in mirrors

For

A while

But

This time

When

She saw

Her naked image

She couldn't help

Staring

.

Since

Atlanta

She'd become

Skin and bones

.

The person

In

The mirror

Looked

Nothing like

The

Layla Grant

Anyone

Would

Recognize

.

Her body

Looked

Starved

Ravaged

Exhausted

.

She looked like

She survived

A catastrophe

.

Layla

Hadn't

Planned

To get up

Today

.

But

Seeing

Herself

In the

Mirror

Suddenly

Made her

Want

A hot bath

Clean underwear

Something

In her

Stomach

.

She made it

To the tub

Slipped on

A clean shirt

.

Almost

Threw

Her sheets

Into the

Wash

.

But

She

Couldn't

.

(They

Still

Haven't

Been

Washed

Since

Atlanta)

.

Will

Keeps talking:

"You know what

P.E.T.A.

Stands for

In Texas?"

.

He looks

At her

And grins:

People

Eatin'

Tasty

Animals."

.

She smacks

Him

In the

Shoulder

And

Laughs

.

It sounds

Weak

To her ears

But

For the

First time

In weeks

It doesn't

Sound

Forced.

VI.

Yesterday

She was

In the studio

Cutting

A new song

And

Rayna said

Layla's invitation

To spend

Thanksgiving dinner

At her house

With

Her family

Was still

Open:

"You

Are more

Than

Welcome.

We

Would

Love

To have

You."

.

Layla replied:

"For

Dinner?"

.

Rayna nodded:

"Yes

For

Dinner."

.

It took them

Both

A minute

To realize

Layla

Had made

A

Joke.

VII.

The more

She thinks

About

That

Test

.

The more

Grateful

She is

It came back

Negative

.

It may

Have been

A piece

Of him

She could

Hold onto

.

But

She'd always

See

His face

In

Someone else

And

Wonder

.

If things

Had been

Different

And

She'd known

Before

Atlanta

Would he

Have

Stayed?

.

What if

He didn't?

.

Would he

Even want

That future

With her?

.

Would he

Be happy?

.

Would he

Walk away?

.

Would he

Love it?

.

Would he

Want

To be

A family?

.

She's glad

She doesn't

Have to carry

The burden

Of

Explaining

Atlanta

To someone else

.

She

Will

Never

Be

Able

To

Explain

It

.

She would

Dread

That

Conversation

From the

Moment

It was born

Holding

Him

Or

Her

For the

First time

And

Knowing

One day

They would

Learn

What she had

The

Hardest

Way

Possible:

.

Love

Isn't

Enough

To

Save

You

Or

Anybody

Else.

VIII.

New

Morning

.

The ground

Freezes

And

Her breath

Bursts

In white clouds

And

The cold

Presses into

Her ribs

Like a knife

.

First

Day

Below

Freezing

.

The floor

Is like

Ice

Under her feet

.

The windows

Are speckled

With frost

.

The sun

Is so

Bright

It

Looks like

Someone

Set the sky

On fire

.

She glides

One finger

Along

The rime

Of

Frost

On the inside

Of

Her window

.

Traces

A star

In the glass

.

Like she did

When

She was

A little girl

.

The yard

Glitters

With

Frost

.

The

Treetops

Shiver

As

The last

Autumn leaves

Plummet

From

The glass branches

To

The hard ground

Below

.

The world

Is

So bright

It looks

Almost

Reborn

.

Almost

New

.

She

Erases

Her star

With

The palm

Of

Her hand

.

While

The morning

Burns

Through

Her windows

The sheets

Come off

Her bed

.

She tugs

Them

Off

Until

It's just

The mattress

Sitting in its frame

.

Naked

Empty

Anonymous

.

Like

Jeff's

House

.

There isn't

Any sign

He had

Ever

Been here

With her

.

She takes

The sheets

To the

Laundry room

.

Pours

The detergent

Sets

The cycle

Closes

The lid

Presses

The button

.

Then

She sits

On the floor

Against the machine

And

Cries

.

When its

Over

She grabs

Her phone

And

Asks Will

If the invite

For

Thanksgiving

At his house

Is still

Good.

IX.

The weatherman

Says

Tonight

Is going

To drop

Below

Freezing

.

Everyone

Should

Stay inside

And

Bundle up

.

Last winter

Was

Harsh

And

Long

.

Maybe

This one

Will be

Just as bad

.

Cold

Grey

Lonely

Brutal

.

Around her neck

Jeff's key

Is hanging

From a

Chain

.

She holds it

Between

Her fingers

.

It's warm

From being

Pressed

Against her skin

.

Was this

Supposed

To be

The goodbye

He never

Said?

.

Was it

A goodbye

At all?

.

Her fingers

Find

The key

Again

Fastened

Around her neck

.

His note

Said

"For the future"

.

They

Were

Making

Plans

Together

.

She startles

Out of

Her memories

When

Will

Pokes his

Head

In the

Doorway:

"Pizza's

Here."

.

She turns off

The television:

"Be there

In a second

There's

A phone call

I have

To make."

.

She grabs

Her cell

Runs

To the

Bathroom

Locks

The door

Behind her

Sits

On the

Closed toiled lid

And

Scrolls

Through MISSED CALLS

Until

She finds

The familiar

Area code.

X.

"Hello?"

.

Layla

Takes

A deep

Breath

When

She hears

That familiar voice:

"Jade?"

.

A

L-O-N-G

Pause

.

Then

The pop star

Replies

With

A cool tone

Halfway

Across the world:

.

"I

Didn't

Expect

To

Ever

Hear

From

You

Again.

After

You

Never

Returned

My fifth call

I figured

You

Fell

Off

The

Face

Of

The

Earth."

.

A heartbeat

Later

They both

Realize

What Jade

Just

Said

.

"Shit

I didn't

Mean it

Like that –"

.

Layla clears

Her throat:

"It's okay."

.

And

Really

It is

.

There's

Silence

From Jade

So

Layla talks:

.

"I'm sorry

I never called."

.

There's

A pang

In her chest

When

She says

That:

.

"I felt

Like

I was

Going

Crazy

For

A while

I

Was

So

Lost

I

Didn't

Know

What

To

Do

I still

Don't

But

I'm

Sorry

I

Never

Called you

Back

I know

You and Jeff

Cared about

Each other

Once

And

I know

How hard

It is

To even

Imagine

This is

Real."

.

Now

Layla's crying

Tears

Strangling

Her words

As the phone

Slips off

Her wet cheek

.

Still

Silence

From

Jade

So

Layla

Plows on:

.

"I'm still

So

Lost

And

I still

Can't

Believe

This is

Real.

I loved him

And he –"

.

The voice

On the

Other end

Of the line

Breaks through

Her tears

As

Jade murmurs:

"Sweetheart

I'm not

Mad.

Forget

Those voicemails.

I wanted

To hear

From you

Because

I was

Worried.

I know

Jeff felt

Something

Real

For you.

I could

Tell

The moment

He came

To see me

And gave me

Your demo.

He was

Passionate

About you

And your

Music

In a

Way

I hadn't

Seen.

Not since

He was

My manager.

Jeff

Could be

A lot

Of things

But

Passionate

Was

At the top

Of his

List.

And

He was

Passionate

About

You.

You

Were

Important

To

Him.

And

He

Was

The same

For

You."

.

She's still

Crying

Too hard

To speak

So

Layla just nods

Into the phone

Like Jade

Can hear

The movement

Across

The continent:

"When he

Died

I felt

Like

I couldn't

Even

Mourn

Him.

His family

Completely

Shut me out."

.

"Me

Too,"

Jade replies

And Layla

Thinks

She hears

A tearful hiccup

In the

Superstar's

Voice:

"I called

His family

A hundred times.

I had

My assistants

Try

To figure out

When

They scheduled

The funeral.

Even

Had my

Manager

And

Some

Bigshots

At my

Record label

Call them

To get

Any

Details.

But

They

Never

Called

Me

Back.

I remember

I cried

That whole day.

My manager

Was

Annoyed

Because

I had

A show

That night

And

I wanted

To cancel.

That would

Have been

First time

In my

Whole career

I would have

Cancelled

A show.

I ended up

Going onstage

But

I had

A huge

Blow-out

With

The label execs

Over it

Beforehand."

.

Layla jackknifes

Into

Herself

Phone still

Clamped

To her

Cheek:

.

"I

Never

Got

To

Say

Goodbye."

.

She

Says

That

More to

Herself

Than to

Jade

.

It hurts

So much

To

Finally

Say it

Out loud

.

Her chest

Feels

Hollow

When the

Air

And the

Words

Leave her

Body

.

But

It also

Feels like

Someone

Just took

An anvil

Off her

Back.

XI.

Will

Can tell

She's been

Crying

As soon as

He sees

Her face

.

She asks him

Without preamble:

"How long

Did you

Know

You wanted

To die?"

.

His face

Goes

White

.

He looks

So surprised

He doesn't

Try

To evade

An answer:

"I don't know."

.

She shakes

Her head:

"Can you

At least

Give me

A hint?

Some number?

Did you

Feel

This way

For

Years

Or was it

Like

A switch

In your

Brain

Got flipped?"

.

Will just

Shakes his head:

"I really

Don't know.

I know

I felt

Bad

For years.

I know

The reasons

I tried

To –"

.

(He can't

Say

The Word.)

.

(Nobody

Says

The Word.)

.

"When I

Felt

That way

It was

Because

Everything

I was

Dealing with

Hit me

All at once."

.

She asks:

"So

It was

A

Split-second

Choice?"

.

Will replies:

"No –

I mean

Kind of.

Yes.

I made

The choice

To die

That night.

I didn't

Spend

The entire day

Knowing

I would try

To

Hurt myself.

I didn't

Spend

The whole week

Planning out

How I'd do it."

.

Layla's arms

Are covered

In goosebumps

.

She looks

At

Will:

"Then

Why'd

You

Do

It?"

.

He doesn't answer

Just crosses

His arms

And

Stares

At the floor

.

She leans

Against

The kitchen wall

Thinking

Maybe

She went

Too far:

"I'm sorry

You don't

Have to

Answer

That."

.

He looks up

At her:

"No

I will."

.

He takes

A deep breath:

"Because

I hated

Myself

So much

I thought

It was

The

Only

Way

To

Stop

Hurting.

I hated

Myself

And

Thought

If everyone else

Could see

Me

At that moment

They'd know

How

Fucked-up

I was.

How disgusting

I felt.

Living

Hurt

Too much

So

Dying

Was

The only way

To

Make it

Stop."

.

He's watching

Her

Carefully:

"Most of all

I wanted

To be

At peace.

And

I thought

I could

Never

Do that

If I

Stayed

Alive."

For a

Moment

All they

Can do

Is

Stare

At each other

.

Will's voice

Is so

Soft

She can

Barely

Hear it:

"Was that

How it was

For you?

I never

Asked."

.

Layla

Thinks about it

Then

Shakes her head:

"No.

I felt bad

Way before

I caught you

With

That woman

But

I didn't think

About dying

As much as

I thought

About

Being dead.

I didn't

Make a plan

Or

Write a note

Or

Look up ways

I could do it

But

I would think

All the time

How much

I wanted

To just

Go to sleep

And

Never wake up.

Or

I'd be driving

And wish

Some huge truck

Would

Run me over

And that

Would be it.

Because

I was

Tired.

All the

Bullshit

Was

Too much

And

Things felt

So bad

And

There was

No way

To fix it.

Then

I saw you

In bed

With that woman.

Jeff rejected me

And

You didn't love me

And

Seeing you

With her

Made

All those feelings

Too strong.

So

I took

The pills."

.

Will

Is nodding

Along

With her

Words:

"It hit you

All at once.

Like a train.

And it

Damn near

Tore you

In half."

.

She has

To hold

Her breath

For a

Moment

Then

Let it out

Slowly

So her heart

Can stop

Racing:

"Yeah.

It hit me

All at once."

.

Silence

.

Then

She whispers:

.

"Why

Did

He

Do

It?"

.

Will

Has never

Looked

Younger

Than he does

Right now:

"I

Don't

Know,

Layla."

.

And

She feels

A deep

Cutting

Sense of

Loss

.

It's

Different

From what

She felt

When

The detectives

Came to

Her hotel room

Or when

Kate banished her

From the hotel

Or when

She called Rayna

And said

The words:

"Jeff's dead"

For the first time

Or when

She cried

On Luke's shoulder

Or when

Will brought her

Back home

And

She saw

The moving boxes

Or when

The pregnancy test

Came back negative

.

Right now

She feels

Farther

Away

From Jeff

Than

She ever has

Before

.

She says:

"I'm

Never

Going

To

Know.

And

I

Don't

Think

I

Can

Live

With

That.

It

Hurts

So

Much

And

Every day

It just

Gets

Worse.

It's

Like

A hole

In me

And

It keeps

Getting

Bigger.

I think

It's just

Going to

Swallow me

Completely

Because

I can't see

A way

Out.

I don't

Think

I'll ever

Stop

Feeling

This way."

.

Will

Puts his arms

Around her

And

Holds her tightly:

"Is there

Anything

I can do?"

.

She closes

Her eyes

Breathing

Him in:

"No.

There's

Nothing

Anybody

Can do.

It

Just

Hurts."

.

They stand

That way

Until

The pizza

Becomes cold

And

The sun fades

To shadow.

XII.

She wonders

If his

Sister

Misses him

At all

.

She wonders

If his

Parents

Have outlived

Their son

.

She wonders

If his

Body

Was buried

Or cremated

.

She wonders

If his

Headstone

Is like

His house

.

Dark

Empty

Impersonal

.

Nothing

Of him

To mark

His life

Other than

Dates

Etched

In stone

.

She wonders

If his

Message –

"For the future"

Was a promise

Or a goodbye

.

She

Wanted

An answer

So badly

.

She

Wanted

An explanation

.

She will

Go

The rest

Of her

Life

Trying

To find

It

.

Every day

Waking up

To the

Same

Questions:

.

Why

He left her

.

Why

He didn't talk

To her

.

Why

He felt like

Nothing

Could be fixed

.

Why

He believed

The rooftop

Was

The only solution

.

Why

She got to live

When he didn't

.

Now

There's

Another

Question

She

Never

Considered

Before:

.

If he's

Found

Peace

.

Maybe

She will

Someday

.

She

Wonders

.

She

Hopes.