Kanda avoids him, and Allen does nothing to seek his counsel- they sit at separate tables and Allen lowers his head when he passes the other boy in the hall and it's even so bad that, while Allen tries to pretend that nothing is wrong, Kanda immediately gets out of the baths when he goes to wash himself.
Lavi and Lenalee are worried sick, of course- he didn't tell them anything, but they notice the distance, the way that even their fighting has come to a stop. The whole Order notices, actually. When he had been passing the laundry room, he had heard the girls sigh wistfully that they miss the entertainment.
It's only a week- when Allen had been expecting to avoid Kanda for much, much longer- when Lenalee grabs his arm at dinner one day and forcefully drags him to the table where Kanda sits with his half-finished soba.
As soon as they come near it Kanda's back stiffens and he starts moving to get up and walk away. He has one leg swung over the bench before Lenalee grabs his arm and smiles so sweetly at him that it kind of scares Allen.
"Where are you going, Kanda?" She says pleasantly, eyes shining. Her hand reaches out and rests lightly on Kanda's arm; Allen gets the vision of her tightening her grip than bam! Kanda on the ground, dazed, with a triumphant Lenalee standing above him and positively glowering.
He feels a vague sense of terror at the idea and sits down as soon as Lenalee does, mouth clamped shut and eyes trained on the turkey Jerry had kindly made for him. He ignores Lenalee's coaxing of Kanda- "C'mon, Kanda-kun! We just got here and you don't want to be rude, do you? And you haven't even finished your soba yet!"- and decides to dig in. Food can't eat itself, after all.
He's halfway through his trolley, making little contribution to the conversation (or lack thereof, because it seemed like Kanda was intent on being a brick wall. And. Well. He was eating), before Lenalee sighs loudly, looking at the clock hanging high on the wall.
"Look at the time." She says, voice as demure as it gets. Even if she is not. "I have to go give brother some documents I left in the library."
The smile she shoots at Allen, when he looks up in alarm, is both horrible and deceivingly cute. He doesn't see the look she shoots Kanda because he had ducked his head and preceded to stuff his mouth with food. Just so he could. Y'know. Not talk to Kanda.
All in the interest of the other man, of course.
"Bye Allen! Kanda-kun!" She says in farewell, and then skips off. Presumably to do her work, though by the fact Lavi had just disappeared around the corner she had been lying.
Kanda moves to get up as soon as he sees her disappear, and Allen was expecting that. He can't help the small feeling of guilt and hurt that worms at his heart, though. He just stuffs another crumpet into his mouth to get rid of the feeling. He thinks that whoever had said that food helps ease pain was right.
He is surprised, though, when he looks up and sees Kanda hasn't moved passed getting up from the bench. Instead, he's standing there, mouth twisted and brows drawn over his eyes. All in all, and if Allen had to tell the truth, he would say the Japanese man looks kind of constipated.
"Whunt?" Allen says through a mouthful, and Kanda's face twists more, as if tasting something unpleasant.
"Hurry up and eat." He says, voice dripping with disgust. Then, adding on. "God, that's appalling."
Allen stares at him, as if deciding what to do. Last time he had went somewhere alone with the man, it had ended up- well, it had ended up with them avoiding each other because of the awkwardness and Allen did not want to make it more awkward because that would be terrible. Horrible. He didn't want Kanda hating him more than he did when he first met him.
But- if Kanda wanted to talk- maybe…?
Shoving one last pork roll into his mouth, he moves to get off the bench and, for the first time since he had started living at the Order, leaves the plates on the table and smiles a strained smile at Kanda.
"Let's go than." He says.
The other man just casts a cursory glance over the table and, scowling, turns on his heel and starts walking. He doesn't even glance at the other exorcist.
Allen, of course, follows, because he doesn't know what to do and he's hoping that Kanda is out to- forgive him? If that could be the word. And it's not like he should be the one being forgiven- Kanda had walked out on him, after all, and he hadn't done anything wrong. Unless you went by the Bible, but-
This is what Allen debates throughout the whole time they walk in silence to a destination that only Kanda knows. Had he done anything wrong? He had offered to- do it in the first place. But it wasn't like Kanda was saying no. Because, really. If the noises and the death glare when he had paused had been a kind of 'don't-you-dare-stop' sign and he hadn't even heard the word no.
When they finally get to their destination Allen realizes a little too late it was the place that he and Lavi had made out in. Which made for some very awkward and mixed feelings for him, because- because- well, it was hard to explain, but it was like taking Kanda to the bed he had had sex with a random guy on.
Then Kanda sits down on that exact couch and- well, it's very awkward. For Allen, at least.
Instead of sitting down on the couch, he chooses instead to sit on the coffee table in front of it- it's close enough that their knees knock together and Kanda gives him a look that does more than suggest that he is very, very weird. And stupid. And a lot of other words Kanda likes to use for him. Allen finds that he kind of agrees at the moment. With the weird part, at least.
The even weirder part is that Kanda won't look him in the face- his eyes keep sliding off to the side, to stare at his shoulder or out the door or at his hair, which might still be sticking up from the bath he had earlier. Kanda is usually- less awkward, less undecided. It makes his chest heat up uncomfortably, makes him want to grab Kanda's face and make him really look at Allen. No half-hearted glares, no indignation, no waving him off- just. He wants Kanda to look at him.
But he doesn't grab his face. Doesn't do anything and instead plays the same game Kanda is playing- slides his eyes around the general area of Kanda's stare but never once straight at him. The couple times their roaming eyes connect they slide quickly away, as if they were strangers on a train instead of strangers in a room, knees knocking and throats working.
Finally, Kanda speaks.
"You said it wouldn't matter afterwards." He frowns, stare finally finding Allen's, as if it had been a long and tiring journey to look him in the eyes.
He's taken aback for a second because- because. He thought it- it wasn't the way he had come onto Kanda or the way Kanda walked away or how Kanda actually hated himself for even allowing Allen anywhere near him.
All this time, he thought, before his mind whiplashes at him and his mouth spits words.
"You're the one who was avoiding me and making it all- awkward!" His voice holds a note of disbelief; the inflections speak part anger, part wonder. He thinks Kanda must be the daftest person in the world because he was the one who made the whole thing- weird and uncomfortable and almost regretful. Almost, because he ashamedly remembers that Kanda's face, body, eyes, all in those moments, were what had provided him with his wank material for the last week. And probably for the many weeks to come.
Kanda decides to quit playing the awkward let's-stare-at-anywhere-but-your-face game and, instead, looks openly at him. His expression is one part hostility (as it always is), and two parts disgruntled. The last part is something Allen has yet to identify but has seen on Kanda's face sometimes- in the middle of battle, hair flying, body tense, demons screaming. The only thing that Allen can say about the expression is that he likes it.
"You're an idiot." Kanda hisses out, which is completely normal and usually easy to deal with, but in this situation it felt like Kanda had dragged his heart around him for awhile before stepping back and giving it a good, healthy kick.
So Allen looks at him, aghast- has the childish urge to hit his knee against Kanda's, and so does. The look the other man gives him almost wants to make him laugh.
"Excuse me, but how was I supposed to react when the next time you saw me you left the table with half your soba left? 'Oh, all's fine and well, this isn't going to be embarrassing at all?'"
Kanda gives him a scandalized look and colors- prettily, Allen thinks- and gives him a look that says that Yu Kanda would never run from anyone. Especially a Bean Sprout. It's almost terrible how he can read most of the expressions Kanda aims at him now.
"I did not run," Kanda says between clenched teeth. His fingers flex against the couch and Allen has the highly inappropriate thought of Kanda's fingers squeezed around his dick, jerking himself off. It makes him color, too, and he hopes Kanda thinks it's because of the argument they're having. "I just wasn't hungry that day!"
This makes Allen open his mouth like he's about to swallow a ham- and he's tried before, when he was so desperately hungry and Cross had brought it to him after realizing that yes, he was starving- and kind of just stares at Kanda. Offended. As if Allen was that stupid.
"Oh, please, BaKanda, even I'm not that stupid!" He says, makes sure Kanda can hear the anger in his words. "You were- you- Jesus!"
Kanda looks at him with all the grace of a bull. "I was what, bean sprout?" he says, voice heavily sarcastic.
Allen's mouth feels like all the words are stuffed in there, like he's bursting with them. He could say so many things. So many stupid or rude or mean or even logical things, and this is how it always is with Kanda. Like he has too many words and no way to put them in order.
And, of course, this is what happens: the words fall out of his mouth before he can reel them back in and say something carefully.
"I bet you're just embarrassed because it was me who sucked you off!"
Then he realizes what he said- quite loudly, and- it was so crass and Allen can't help but color, especially when he sees the wide-eyed surprise on Kanda's face. The other exorcist looks like he can't believe Allen just said that, and truthfully, Allen can't believe he said that either.
"I mean," He starts, and unconsciously spreads his legs so there not touching Kanda's. Which, he realizes as Kanda looks down and goes through five different expressions ranging from embarrassed to what-the-fuck to something Allen hopes might be want, looks like an invitation entirely.
So he snaps his legs closed as much as he can without hurting Kanda and colors some more and then finally spits out words he actually thought about. "You're. Um. Embarrassed because it was me- right?" He adds on the last part because he wasn't sure if you just- spoke your opinion in these kind of situations or waited until the other person agreed or what. Either way, this situation was getting highly embarrassing and he would have rather handled another week or so of Kanda being mad and avoiding him if he could just- not have this conversation.
Kanda looks just as conflicted as him- his mouth is turned down forcibly and the area around his eyes is tense and if the other boy had less dignity Allen knows he'd be just as red as he was.
They stay silent like that for a second or two, and then Allen looks away because he doesn't know what to say. He feels slightly stupid and childish but. Really. Kanda wasn't giving him anything to work with. And this talk wasn't salvageable anymore, anyway- he could just leave. And maybe he and Kanda could talk later. Maybe.
He's just about to say this- maybe make an excuse or something equally transparent, because Kanda isn't that stupid either- before Kanda's voice breaks the silence.
"It's not because it was you, you complete idiot."
Allen's head whips around at that- he can feel his neck moan in protest, it was that fast- and he stares into Kanda's face, which is actually red and embarrassed and everything Kanda isn't, usually.
"What?" Allen says, because he isn't sure he heard that correctly. So he repeats it. " 'Not because it was me'?"
Kanda scowls, and Allen takes that as a yes, you idiot, that's what I said. He leans forward, tries to get into Kanda's space a bit because his mind is racing a mile a minute and if Kanda said that, that means it was something else entirely and- he doesn't want to hope yet, but it's hard.
Kanda shifts a little, and he tries to get him to look up into his eyes without touching him. "Then why?" he demands earnestly, and he rests his hands on his knees; the fingers brush the outside of Kanda's thigh and he jerks before relaxing again, allowing another point of connection.
He waits for an answer because nothing ever good comes out of rushing the perpetually pissed off; Kanda seems to be gathering his thoughts, anyway, and Allen is glad to wait if it's going to be a good answer.
Patience pays off because Kanda's eyes finally find his and he frowns a bit more before saying "It's not because it's you, you idiot. It's because."
Kanda is struggling with words and- this feels like an accomplishment to Allen. Because if Kanda is taking the time to actually find words and speak them instead of swearing and answering cryptically it means- well, a whole lot to Allen.
"Because- you idiot." Still struggling, but he smiles encouragingly, which just makes Kanda scowl hard and then there is a hand sliding through his hair and pulling him close and suddenly he has a mouthful of Kanda. Kanda, who is kissing him softly, mouthing his bottom lip and holding him there and all Allen can do is melt.
And this- well, it's not the happiest moment of his life, but it's one of the time he feels fullest. When he feels like everything is all good and right with the world and if he kisses Kanda back nothing bad will happen.
So he does. And it's heartbreaking and happy and Allen makes a little noise of appreciation when Kanda licks into his mouth and it's great. It's wonderful.
Then Kanda pulls away and lets go of his head and glowers, looking at him with something like resolve and content.
The smile on his face is wide- he can feel it, stretching from ear to ear, making his face hurt in a good kind of way- and Kanda lets out a billowy sigh. Like he's just resigned himself to a fate that he doesn't particularly mind but had never thought he'd see himself in.
"Are you going to stop being an idiot now?" He asks, and Allen hopes Kanda can't see to the back of his throat.
"Yes," He says, quelling the urge to- giggle or smile or something equally stupid and love-sick, even though he feels it. "But only if you do, too."
-----------------
The next time he sees Lavi and Lenalee, across the hall, they are staring at him and Kanda as if expecting something. So he smiles back at them and leans into Kanda to say something- when the other boy doesn't push him away but instead frowns at him, unmoving, Lenalee looks like she is about to scream and Lavi gives him a thumbs up that only he can see, hidden in the wideness of his grin.
-----------------------
Allen is immeasurably happy for three weeks. Immeasurably. The Earl could have knocked down his door and demanded the whole thing be settled, once and for all, and Allen would have greeted him with a smile and an offer for tea first.
Everyone can see it, too- and since happiness is contagious, for a full week the order is smiling and things seem to pick up around the place. This is also helped by the fact that Lenalee is humming a tune while she delivers coffee and Lavi is more rambunctious than usual, helping out wherever he can and with stories falling off his tongue like rain.
And it also helps because even Kanda seems less surly than usual, only scowling at the stupidity of everyone's 'good morning, Kanda!'s and the whole general cheeriness of the order.
Someone could think it was Christmas at the Black Order, Allen thinks, steering his cart towards the last table where Lenalee, Lavi, Miranda, Marie, and Kanda sit.
When he plops down, it's beside Kanda- everyone greets him happily, even Marie and Miranda, who had just gotten back from a mission half an hour ago. Kanda gives him a glance and Allen smiles back before digging in, being careful that no food went flying in anyone's general direction.
Under the table, his knee rests against Kanda's and Kanda doesn't pull away. This is a big accomplishment to Allen because- really. If anyone asked him if he could change anything over the last three weeks, he would say he'd like it if he could actually touch Kanda more.
He's not complaining, per say- okay, well, maybe he is, because the thing about him and Kanda being- well, together, is that he thought he could at least. Touch Kanda once in awhile. Not even sexually. Like, maybe holding hands (even though Kanda would never do that. Ever) or just resting his head on Kanda's shoulder and- well, if he really thought about it, he should have never expected Kanda to do any of those things, anyway.
But he thought something would at least happen by now. Something like- well, something like more than kissing and the closest he's ever gotten to that is him and Kanda sleeping in the same bed and slow, lazy kisses in the morning. Allen never would have guessed that the other man is so affectionate in the morning but for the two times he's slept in the same bed as Kanda, he's been basically- well, cuddled. Which Kanda will kill him for if he ever says that aloud but.
Still. He'd like it if Kanda maybe kissed him once in awhile.
"Allen?"
"Mmf?" Lenalee shoots him a disgusted look, and he swallows his food quickly, not even bothering with chewing. He shoots Lenalee a guilty smile before turning to Miranda. "Yes, Miranda?"
The woman smiles nervously at him, wincing when she stretches the skin below the gauze on her cheek. Allen winces in sympathy with her, aware that her cheek had been cut deep enough to see the bone.
"Komui wants to see you," She says, shooting Marie a grateful look when he places a large hand on her shoulder. "He says he just needs to see you about the next mission, the one coming up on Wednesday."
He nods, shoving a few potatoes in his mouth after thanking her and taking up a few glazed drumsticks. He goes to stand up and is surprised when he feels Kanda stand up next to him, setting his chopsticks down on his plate gracefully. When he glances at Kanda imploringly, the other just graces him with an indifferent look.
"I need to stop by the library." He says.
He feels Lavi and Lenalee's eyes on them, excited for him even after all this time- Marie just radiates happiness and Miranda looks confused, as if she isn't sure if this is normal anymore or not. He wishes he could show them how happy he was about the whole thing, but it's a little difficult when there isn't enough beauty in the world to show it.
He thinks he might be lovesick, staring at the back of Kanda's head as he turns away and strides purposefully towards the door.
---------
They chatter while walking along the halls- well, Allen chatters to fill the silence and because he can't hold it all in, and Kanda nods an affirmative once in awhile and makes a noise where he disagrees with Allen, which is more often than not. They argue a little, because they wouldn't be themselves if they didn't, and by the time they part at the door Allen is red with embarrassment and anger and happiness.
He greets Komui with his flush dying down his neck and the older man just rolls his eyes at him before outlining the details of the mission. Simple innocence mission, trying to figure out why a building everyone enters turns them out deliriously happy with their life, no matter the circumstances. It's probably not an actual innocence- they think it might just be an opium den with extremely satisfied customers and a kind owner- but they should check it out anyway. The only reason they're going is because the finders all come out stupidly happy.
He'll be going with Lavi, because the bookman have a very narrow focus and won't become distracted and blah blah blah, but he doesn't have the heart to tell Komui that, if anything, Lavi might be distracted the second he steps into the building. He thinks Komui knows it anyway.
The mission is supposed to take two days, as it's just in a small English town not even that many miles from headquarters. As it turns out, they'll be leaving tomorrow at four in the morning. Allen bemoans the existence of such a time in his head as he takes his file and heads back down to the cafeteria to find Lavi.
Five steps away from the entrance of the hall, he changes his mind and backtracks to go find Kanda instead. Lavi would probably be in the library now anyway he reasons.
When he opens the doors to the library he's surprised to see that no one is there- not even the librarian, who is a stern man that will stare at Allen suspiciously if he smiles too much.
Nonetheless, he walks in and gives the room a cursory glance as he heads further in, looking for any sign of something living and breathing and possibly long haired and gorgeous.
He walks the aisles, lets his fingers trail the edges of the books- catches some titles, A Tale of Two Cities, Jane Eyre, Vanity Fair- and wonders if he could ever get good enough at reading to pursue the large volumes that loom at him from all sides.
He's on the last aisle, this one filled mostly with bibles and a biography or two, when he catches long legs out of the corner of his eye. He turns on his aisle and walks baby steps to the end of the book case, heart fluttering a bit as he sees Kanda in full view.
Kanda looks peaceful- not peaceful in the way in which he fights and kills, but peaceful in the way when there is nothing to fight for. When there is no need to fight at one lonely moment in time. He looks like complete relaxation, ankles crossed and slouched in the large chair with a book in his hand.
The book is Japanese, so Allen definitely can't read the title. He tilts his head to read the characters anyway, and this movement makes Kanda's eyes flicker up to him.
"What?" He says, looking offended. His book lowers a bit to reveal more of his face, dropping just below his lips; Allen can't be bothered to stare anywhere else.
"Nothing," Allen offers after a second, and takes larger strides forward until he's standing beside Kanda, bringing a leg up so he could sit on the arm. He leans forward a bit, rests a hand on the back, and realizes shamelessly that he's just trying to get into Kanda's space.
This, apparently, doesn't go unnoticed; Kanda glares death up at him and shifts over so his back is resting on the opposite arm. He looks back into the pages of the book, at the vertical characters, and says "Piss off then."
Allen glowers at him, his own tone offended. "I just wanted to know what you were reading." And then, for good measure, "God."
Kanda scowls and looks back up at him. His answer is short and clipped. "Oku no Hisomichi." At Allen's confused stare, "The Narrow Road to the Deep North."
"Oh," Allen says, studying the lines and graceful strikes that seem like jumbles to him, splayed along the page like his teenage wet dreams. Then it hits him that Kanda's reading Japanese, which makes sense since, well, Kanda is Japanese, but.
"Can you readEnglish?" He asks, shifting a bit so he's more relaxed, fine with being this close to Kanda.
Surprisingly, Kanda doesn't scowl or get angry or do anything that would make Allen feel the need to bite back, because even though Kanda makes Allen stupid and angry, he can still make a good remark or too.
"I read the mission reports, don't I?" Then, simply. "Japanese is just easier for me."
Allen replies with a small hum, watches Kanda go back to the text. It's a few minutes of silence, where he rolls his head back onto the seat and closes his eye, that Allen realizes that he can't even really read his own language, never mind another one.
He makes a noise of revelation and Kanda glances up, annoyance written clearly across his face. Allen finds he is fine with Kanda's angry faces- it's the annoyed faces that really bothers him.
"What." Kanda grinds out.
Allen kind of stares at him because he doesn't know what to say- how to admit this one defeat because it might mean the world to Kanda, even though he knows deep down it wouldn't. Back before, when he didn't like Kanda as much as he did now, he'd think of who Kanda would end up with- it would be a pretty young thing, someone stern and did herself well and who was intelligent. Someone who could top Kanda enough times to get the man to respect her. He would only ever think of this, half asleep and bone-tired, so she was also a little dirty too- to counteract Kanda's apparent frigidity.
And he's- he's not any of those things. He isn't pretty because his hair is white and choppy and his face and body are scarred; his eyes are weird colored and his arm is black as the shadows in the corridors. He isn't stern, and always gives in; his job was to follow orders. And he wasn't intelligent, not at all- he always followed his feelings and instincts and never thought things through.
He wasn't anything like Kanda was supposed to have, and that made him feel… well, small and inadequate and kind of self-conscious.
"I can hardly even read English." He mumbled, and from the sharp look Kanda gives him he hadn't been expecting that.
Kanda frowns up at him and he slides his eyes to the side, plays with the worn threads beneath his fingertips; sees the black of his hand, the little cross imbedded in it, and wishes that it was at least normal colored.
"You read the mission reports, don't you?" Kanda says, finally, and Allen continues to pick at the little red threads before nodding his head.
He feels like Kanda will frown at him further, make a caustic remark; make fun of him on one of the only things that matters. It would- well, make him feel less grateful that he opened up even that little tiny bit.
Before he can over think the whole thing, Kanda turns back to his own book and murmurs, "Then who cares?"
And he feels- such a ache in his chest, like there was a tight ball of tension that exploded from the inside out so softly he hadn't even noticed it till right then, at that moment in time. Before he realizes what he's doing his hand slides through Kanda's hair to the back of his head and he brings his lips closer, breathing the word "Kanda."
Kanda's mouth is in a stern line and the second that Allen's near enough to kiss him he turns his head away, letting Allen's mouth brush the edge of his lips.
"Not here." Kanda hisses, bringing up a hand to grip Allen's arm, where it is stilled in the air with Allen's hand in his hair.
This makes Allen freeze, eyes wide in Kanda's face. Kanda doesn't break his narrowed glare, and doesn't break his posture; if anything, he becomes more rigid by the second and Allen can tell he's a second away from pushing him when his body uncoils and he sits up straight, refusing to look Kanda in the eye.
His face is burning up- it feels like his hair is going to catch fire if he stays that embarrassed for more than two seconds.
"Yeah, um, sorry." He says, for lack of anything better. Then he gets up and stretches out his legs, stiffly.
Kanda's eyes go back down to the page, unaffected. This makes his face heat up more, because he feels entirely embarrassed and angry and stupid and kind of like a love sick girl.
"I'll, um. See you later." He says, and without further ado he leaves.
