Flightless Bird
Remus was sitting at home in his mother's sitting room, knitting a blanket for Mary. His plan had been to leave her something to remember him by once he'd passed. He knew that his death would be terrible for her--especially considering that there had been an alternative. He had been her baby, despite his lycanthropy. Someone who she could depend on to need and love her. Mary was a great deal like Remus in that she loved deeply and quietly. Mary had always tended to Remus' needs carefully and with the grace of a true lady. It hurt Remus to leave her.
In all reality, Remus had thought about the second door--his door to life. To slavery. But the option had seemed too horrible, too degrading. And after reading literature on the subject, he knew that he could never subjugate himself to that degree. The spells and bonds that such an arrangement would create...the thought horrified him. He was not the only one who felt this way about the second door. Most werewolves chose death over resorting to be the slave of another person.
Remus would be no different.
It was true, he was afraid of death. The silver nitrate that would sink into his veins would be painful physically and emotionally. But he had found a certain peace in his execution. At least this way, he'd be able to say goodbye. He had found the love of his life in Sirius, his parents would get the closure they needed, and he'd see his friends the week before his execution. There were worse ways to die, he realized, some of them more painful and disjointed. Death by execution would be neat and clean. No surprises.
He had just settled himself into the chair, contemplating the afterlife, when a heavy rap came upon his door.
Thinking it was probably a Ministry official here to tell him that there was something wrong with his papers, he begrudgingly stood to get the door. Remus flung open the door, ready to face more prejudice and condescension.
"Sirius?" Sirius had been looking down and he looked up at Remus with large, woebegone eyes. "What's the matter? Why are you here?"
Sirius merely held up the papers in response. Remus' eyes quickly scanned over them and the line between his brows formed--the line that only appeared when something deeply disturbed him.
"Wh-where did you get those?"
"Why didn't you tell us, Remus?"
"Where did you f-find those?"
"I could have found out after it was too late. After you'd died. Can you imagine the guilt and regret I'd feel?"
"Where did you find those, Sirius?"
"We can save you, Remus. We can save you. I promise, it'll be okay. Please, I need your signature."
"Where did you find them."
"The Ministry." Sirius' voice, although cracked with pain, was calm and measured, "I got them when I went to the Ministry. Now please, Remus. Just sign them. Let yourself live. Please."
Remus' face turned three shades of scarlet, then a pale white. He hung his head low. "I told you not to go to the Ministry, Sirius. Why did you go?"
"Just sign them, Remus. Please. For me."
Remus' face crumpled. Everything seemed to slip from him. He'd given up. "I...I can't, Sirius. I won't."
"But why?"
"I couldn't..." he held his head in his hands, "I can't live that way, Sirius. I wouldn't be able to...be subservant to someone. Do you understand? Do you see how I can't lower myself like that? I'd rather die than be someone's slave. Quite literally."
Sirius came and held Remus' hands, forcing his head up. "But it's me, Moony. It'd be me. I'd treat you no differently, like an equal. Please, don't...don't let me lose you. I just got you, just found you. Don't make me let you go." He was babbling now, incoherently and desperately. "Please, Remus. Moony. Listen to me. Just sign them. Please."
"No."
"Remus, please. Everyone wants you to live."
"Well maybe the life you propose I live isn't really living at all."
"Please Remus. I'll do anything. Anything. I promise we'll be happy together."
Remus bit his lip and shook his head. "No, Sirius. No."
"Remus..."
"No! Goddamn you! No!" His face contorted in his anger, a rare sight on his stoic face. "I won't do it! I fucking want to die and it doesn't matter!" Remus began to cry. Dry, hard sobs that coursed through his chest and shuddered his lithe frame.
Sirius held him there until Remus' parents came into the room.
Sirius returned to Hogwarts that night, haggard and exhausted. Remus had cried for a solid hour, mumbling into Sirius' shoulder. He had heard the fear in Remus' voice, a fear that struck down to his very core.
"What happened?" James was sitting on the edge of his bed. Peter had already fallen asleep, but James had waited up for him.
"He won't do it."
James sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. As a result, it stood up on end even more. James looked almost as tired as Sirius felt. Almost.
"Did he give a reason?"
"You know Moony."
James nodded. "Sirius, do you know what I would do?"
Sirius looked up. In his eyes, there was a deep sorrow. The same sorrow that was embedded in his eyes when he found out that his brother was a Death Eater. Remorse, pain, insecurity. It made James wince with pity for his brother.
"I'd let him go."
James had expected a blow up, some sort of severe reaction from a choleric Sirius. Instead, he got a nod, a good night, and a dark dorm room. He should have expected more.
A light flickered from the tip of Sirius' wand. He balanced an ink pot on his pillow, and laid the papers flat across his sheets. Taking a deep breath, he dipped the quill into the ink and wrote in a loopy, spidery font,
Remus James Lupin.
It was done.
Author's Note: I have a reason for the delay and the short chapter. I've fallen in love. My partner has taken up a great deal of my time. I only managed to get this out because she's in Ireland this week visiting family. We'll see what I can write while she's gone.
Wish me luck.
