Author's Note: This chapter is a bit longer and slower than the others, but it just felt like this was what the story needed as a contrast to the fast pace and intensity of the last couple chapters. It's focused on Lexa and how she's trying to process everything on her slow path to recovery, and hopefully it feels like a fitting transition to the next part of the story. I'd love to hear what you think. Also, Costia and Nia's last names are mentioned in this chapter again, and yes, they are Trigedasleng. Has anyone figured out what they mean? Enjoy and review! :)


"You wanna go down to city hall, Clarke? Or just watch the press release on TV?"

"I kinda wanna go."

"Great!" Raven clapped and looked at her roommate expectantly.

"Right," Clarke laughed. "That's my cue."

"Unless you want to ride seven miles on the back of my bike..."

"Ooh, as tempting as that sounds, I think I'll go find my keys."

"No need," Raven smirked as she dangled the keyring on her fingers.

Clarke arched an eyebrow. "So presumptuous."

"So right," Raven quipped.

Clarke rolled her eyes. "Let's go, dumbass." Her mood quickly sobered. "So, what do you think Octavia is going to announce?"

Raven shrugged as she opened the front door. "Dunno. Obviously something about last night. Ugh. I keep trying to push it all out of my mind, but even I can only find so much to joke about today."

Clarke's face fell as she rounded the car to the driver's side. "I know. It's still so surreal." Clarke sighed as she dropped into her seat. Most of her thoughts had been turned toward Lexa since last night. She still hadn't heard anything from or about her, and she could only hope someone was comforting her as she grieved.


Octavia checked her watch. 1:59. It was time. She stepped up to the podium amidst a flurry of flashes coming from the press. She kept her expression neutral, hiding her extreme agitation, which was something she had perfected after many years of practice. Why people felt the need to take so many damn pictures was beyond her. The frame-by-frame from every angle of her walking across the stage could hardly be what people cared about. But there were far more important issues at hand, so she refocused and cleared her throat when she reached the microphone. The room fell silent and all eyes turned to Polis Police Department's head detective. Octavia took a deep breath before she began. She may be brilliant at her job, but addressing the public was her least favorite aspect of it. She hated seeming cynical, but sometimes people were just idiots, and here she couldn't get up in someone's face like she could when she was interrogating a perp. She had to be professional.

"Good afternoon," she began coolly. "I'm here to briefly address the tragic incident we all witnessed last night, the murder of Costia Fiyanes, and some facts the public wasn't privy to that I feel you should know."

Murmurs rippled throughout the room as people wasted no time in speculating what she might announce. Curiosity is a human trait that can never be fully sated, Octavia thought. That fact was also what made her a great detective.

"Last night the culprit, Nia Haiplana, placed the PPD as well as Nightblood in a very delicate situation."

"Where the hell was Nightblood?" A furious man called from the crowd, and similar cries rose up around him.

"You will save your questions for the end," Octavia stated, rather than asked. Her commanding tone achieved the desired effect, so she continued. "You are aware of two choices Nia presented Nightblood: Save the girl and face Nia, or don't. In truth, it wasn't that simple. I'm sure many of you have already seen the videos circulating the internet of Nightblood at the University of Polis last night, and she had good reason. Off camera Nia made contact with Nightblood through me and said she had planted a thermobaric bomb at the University in the basement of the Sinclair Engineering Building that was set to detonate at 8 PM, precisely the same time the execution was scheduled. Nia informed us that only one or the other could be saved, that it could only be done by Nightblood's hand, and that if we tried prevent both, Nia would have set both plans in motion immediately."

Stunned gasps echoed throughout the room. Clarke groaned when Raven death-gripped her arm. "That's exactly where I was, Clarke," Raven whispered as her face completely blanched. Clarke placed a reassuring hand on top of her friend's, but knew there was shock and concern etched in her own features as well.

"Now you see our dilemma," Octavia commented dryly, feeling only slightly guilty that she enjoyed the fact that the man who dissed Nightblood a moment before had turned a fabulous shade of maroon. Or is it more burgundy? Octavia gave a slight shake of her head to refocus. She had lately been repainting her apartment and spent most of her free time staring at paint swatches and becoming very familiar with the various nuances of every color.

Octavia continued, "Before Nia could utter more than a few words, Nightblood had already offered herself in exchange for the girl. However, Nia presented this alternate ultimatum. Nightblood's first option was to publicly save the one girl and have the chance of facing Nia, who also claimed responsibility for last week's bank bombing that killed sixteen of our people, as well as three unsolved murders of young women within the last year. The other option was to disarm the bomb at the University, sparing the lives and injury of dozens, if not more. This decision was gut-wrenching, and ultimately was one only Nightblood could make. As I'm sure you've inferred by now, she chose to disarm the bomb and save the University in secret, while she was publicly called a coward. Our investigation of both scenes is still ongoing as we try to uncover anything that will help us bring the culprit to justice." Octavia sighed. It felt good to now have all the facts presented and Nightblood's good name restored, but she didn't look forward to what came next. "I will now be taking questions from the press..."


*Two days later*

Something bad could happen to one of us, she remembered Costia saying once.

But no matter what, we have to keep going.

The choice to be Nightblood had been so much easier then. Before everything had gone so, so wrong. Lexa absentmindedly tipped the bottle back to her lips and swore when she realized she had already drained it. She groaned and leaned her head back on the couch. She wasn't completely sure why she was sitting on the floor in front of the couch instead of actually on it, but her mind wasn't exactly firing on all cylinders right now and she really couldn't care less. At least the floor was carpeted. All Lexa could do was drink and hope it would bring her the reprieve from consciousness and reality she so desperately craved. Every time she closed her eyes she saw Costia gagged or Nia grinning and heard the gunshot she wished had been aimed at her instead.

There was a knock at the door and Lexa whimpered when the sound reverberated in her head like a pinball game. She stayed quiet and hoped whoever it was would go away. Already her landlord had come by as well as the couple from the apartment across the hall, who were very kind and had invited her and Costia over for dinner when they had first moved in. Other people may have come knocking when Lexa was in too deep of a drunken stupor to notice, but it didn't matter because she hadn't opened the door for any of them.

The knock came again, louder this time, and Lexa wanted to throttle whoever was on the other side of that door.

"Lexa," called the low voice of her cousin. "I know you're in there. Please let me in."

Lexa squinted at the digital clock across the room. 10:46 - but was it AM or PM? Lexa realized she didn't even know what day it was.

The knocking came a third time and his voice sounded more concerned. "If you don't answer this door, I'm gonna have to assume there's something wrong and I'll break it down myself."

"Go away, Lincoln," she slurred. "I'm fine."

"I highly doubt that. You've been holed up for three days, Lexa. No one has seen you or heard from you. People are worried."

"Yeah, well people should just mind their own damn business," she retorted. Three days? Has it really been that long?

Lincoln wanted to say that this kind of had become everyone's business, but it obviously wasn't personal for anyone like it was for his cousin/boss. "I just brought you some food," he called through the door. "I would leave it here in the hall, but it's chicken curry from that amazing Thai place downtown, so I'm pretty sure someone would steal it the second I left. You wouldn't stand a chance." He paused, waiting for any response. He sighed. "At least let me bring it in. If you don't want to eat or talk, I'll just stick it in the fridge and be gone."

"Fine. Give me a minute." Lexa grimaced as she tried to push herself off the ground. Every part of her body was stiff and sore. She tenderly touched her thigh where shrapnel had been removed only just a week ago and winced at the pain. Finally upright, she stood still for a moment to get her bearings and stop the room from spinning. She kept one hand on the wall for support as she approached the door. She swung it open and Lincoln cautiously stepped in. He tried not to react to Lexa's ragged appearance; before now he had never seen her less than pristine and professional.

He stood there awkwardly in the entrance for a moment. "So, how are you?"

What a loaded question, Lexa thought as she just stared at him.

"Right," he continued hesitantly. "Shall I just put this in the fridge, then?"

Lexa nodded. "Yes, please."

Lincoln made a beeline for the kitchen and she sighed. "I'm sorry, Lincoln," she called from the other room. "I really do appreciate you making sure I'm still alive and bringing me food."

"You're welcome. Have you checked your phone at all? I think there are a lot of other people who would also like to know you're alive."

She shook her head even though he was still in the kitchen. "No. I really don't want to talk to anyone about..." Lexa couldn't even form a coherent end to that sentence.

She heard the fridge door close and Lincoln rounded the corner with a sad smile. "I know, and I get it. How about I just let people know I've seen you and that you're okay?"

She forced a laugh. "And by 'okay' you mean that I haven't showered or had a proper meal for days? That I have bottles of various alcoholic beverages strewn across my apartment and overall just don't give a shit about anything right now?"

"Yeah, something like that," he answered with a wink.

Lexa gave a faint, but genuine smile in return. Lincoln really was a great guy, and she was lucky to have him around. This made him a little more brave, so he decided to venture into potentially taboo territory. "Did you watch Detective Blake's press statement from a couple days ago?"

Lexa stiffened. "No."

Lincoln swallowed, wondering if this was the wrong move, but he thought she needed to hear it. "There was apparently more going on that night than we were aware of. Haiplana had a bomb at the University that was set to go off at the same time and she forced Nightblood to choose which one to save. I had thought she was a coward for not showing up, but turns out she saved a ton of kids that night."

Lexa maintained a stoic expression and Lincoln shrugged. "I don't know. Just something to think about," he offered as he turned to leave.

"Hey," she called after him as he opened the door. He turned back. "Thanks again," she said with a faint smile. "I'll call you soon, kay? About work and everything. I'm sure there's a nightmarish mound of paperwork awaiting my return."

"No, no, no," he said, wagging a finger at her. "Don't you even think about work right now. Your fantastic assistant here is even more capable than you think at getting things taken care of."

Lexa's expression softened. "I know you are. But I have to go back soon. I'm not ready just yet, but I also can't be here forever."

Lincoln nodded in understanding. "No one's expecting you to be back sooner than you're ready, and no important planning decisions need to be made until then. And you can call me whenever, you know. Even if it's not about work."

Lexa gave an appreciative smile. "I know. And thank you."

He grinned. "Anytime, cousin. I'll see you around."

Lexa waved after him as he left and shut the door. She suddenly realized how ravenous she was and quickly headed for the fridge, hoping the food he brought hadn't cooled too much.


Those first few days of Lexa's self-confinement consisted of drunken stupors, practically no sleep, and even less human contact. Her interaction with Lincoln was literally the the only conversation she had. She avoided her phone, radio, and TV - she didn't want the outside world encroaching on her solitude.

The next couple of days brought more sleep, but with that came more nightmares. She would startle awake, drenched in sweat and tears. She finally started to walk around the apartment, heat up her food, look out the window, and actually shower every so often. Every part of their home reminded her of Costia. They had only started living together eight months ago, but she was haunted by the memories that had once been so sweet.

After six days she decided to check her phone again. She had had no contact with the world and realized she needed to know if any important developments had come about since that night. Just seeing the numbers made her anxious: 37 missed calls, 12 voicemails, and 53 texts. That was way too overwhelming for her right now, and she was about to throw the phone back into her bag when she noticed that apart from Lincoln, she had received more texts from Clarke Griffin than anyone else - 11 to be exact. She arched an eyebrow and swiped the screen to open the texts, her curiosity getting the better of her.

She couldn't help the smile that crept over her face as she read the messages. The early ones were sporadic for the first couple days, mostly just saying that Clarke was there if she needed anything. The more recent messages were very sweet and exactly the kind of distraction Lexa needed.

Clarke: I just left the donut shop (my second home), and they said they're bringing back those apple cinnamon fritters - your favorites! I think they said they'll have them in two weeks. Yassss

Clarke: I'm finally reading that 'Humans of New York' book you loaned me and you're right - it's literary crack. Like, I started from the beginning and I'm literally reading every entry. The crazy people make me laugh so hard and I'm pretty sure they'd be my BFFs.

Clarke: Ok, totally just saw your cousin having drinks with Detective Blake tonight. Pretty sure it was a first date. They were a little awkward, but adorable. If he hasn't told you about this development, you better ask him for details.

Clarke: BTW I hope I'm not bothering you. I always just text people when I think about them. You don't have to feel obliged to respond at all.

Clarke: I heard the announcement that a theater is getting built downtown, and that it was your idea! Are you kidding me? I'm requesting plays, musicals, ballets, and even the occasional opera. I'm pretty cultured, you know. ;)

Lexa chuckled after reading the messages. The enraged, brooding Dr. Griffin she first met had somehow become this ray-of-sunshine friend over the last few months. But that light was a little too blinding for the darkness she was in right now. Lexa didn't know what to say so she didn't respond, but she was truly grateful for the smile her words evoked. And Lexa noted she could probably eat a whole dozen of those fritters by herself right now.

And speaking of Detective Blake, Lexa was surprised to see voicemail messages from her on both phones. She listened to the one on her personal cell first and discovered the medical examiner's office would be keeping Costia's body longer than anticipated - likely another week - because ballistics reports found something that required further investigation and they couldn't release the body until the police had closed up things on their end. Lexa's head dropped to her hands. This meant the funeral couldn't be held at the end of this week. The upside was that Lexa didn't have to finish planning it and actually face the public yet, but she desperately needed the small bit of closure a funeral would bring.

Lexa switched over to her "other" phone, which only had missed calls and messages from Detective Blake - the only person who had that number. A voicemail there elaborated on more of the details of the pending investigation. Ballistics had discovered an anomaly in the entrance and exit wounds from the bullet, which could provide helpful information about the type of bullet and gun that Nia used. Unfortunately the bullet was not in the body to be further analyzed, and the CSI team was unable to find it on the warehouse rooftop, but they hoped the reports they were waiting on could give them more information about Nia that would help the investigation. Lexa cringed as she listened to the more formal, cold, scientific language the Detective used when she didn't think she was speaking with the lover of the deceased. Costia was now "the body" and Lexa heard more details than she cared to know.

Lexa felt so utterly alone. She knew she would eventually be able to resume her duties as city planner, but would she ever be able to go back to being Nightblood? She had failed the one person she cared about more than any other - the only person who knew she was both Lexa and Nightblood, and now Lexa was the reason her love and confidante was forever gone.


At the beginning of week two, Lexa finally opened her front door again. All she did was go to the local market because she had officially run out of fresh food, but as soon as she started seeing people again, she regretted the decision. Not too many people recognized her since her face wasn't as well-known as her name, and even fewer knew that she and Costia were together, but she was only a few blocks from home and those who did know stared and looked sorry for her. Lexa hated being on the receiving end of pity. Many of the market employees knew her because she and Costia would come together once a week. She shopped quickly so she could retreat back to the solitude of her home. Lexa kept her head down as she approached the register and pulled out her wallet as the cashier started scanning her items.

"No, dear. You don't have to worry about that."

Lexa's eyebrows furrowed as she glanced up to meet the kind eyes of an older female employee who often was on shift when she came. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no," the woman reassured with a chuckle. "The manager insists we cover these for you today." She tilted her head toward the right and Lexa's eyes followed. There was the middle-aged manager assisting another shopper, and when Lexa glanced over, their eyes met. He gave a sad, but kind smile and small wave. Lexa waved back and mouthed her thanks.

She turned back to the cashier. "Thank you, Marcy."

"It's no problem at all, dear. Jeremy also says that if you want, you can call in your orders and we will be happy to deliver groceries to your home for as long as you like."

Lexa was overwhelmed by this thoughtful gesture that would allow her more privacy, and quickly placed the bags in her cart when tears threatened to surface. "Thank you," she repeated, her voice cracking.


At the end of that second week was the funeral, and it all felt so surreal - a nightmare Lexa wished she could wake up from. She forced herself to shower and look presentable. Costia didn't have any family, and all Lexa wanted was a simple graveside service for herself, but she knew she couldn't be that selfish. So many people had come to love Costia since they had lived here, and many more had become invested in her life and death since that awful night; Lexa knew they would want to pay tribute to the woman she loved as well.

The whole day was a blur. Lexa spoke briefly at the service and several others did as well. She remembered the church being full past capacity and far past fire code standards, but since she noticed the Polis Fire Chief in attendance as well, she figured he didn't mind. Lincoln sat with her and didn't say much, but was the quiet comfort she needed. Detective Blake approached her after the service to extend her condolences in person, and assured her the PPD was doing everything possible in their investigation. Clarke and Raven had been there too; they were also sitting on the front row, but on the opposite side of the large chapel. Lexa didn't approach them and they didn't come to her either. She made eye contact with them at one point and they both smiled and waved, which somehow made her happy and yet ache even more. Lexa cringed when she realized Clarke probably didn't seek her out since she still hadn't ever responded to her texts, and likely thought she just needed more time, which wasn't entirely off-base. But it wasn't just Clarke - she hadn't communicated with anyone, but Clarke was the only one who had actually made her smile. All the other messages were kind, but they were thick with sadness and pity; Clarke still treated her like a normal person. She knew she really should say something to her, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Lexa realized she was almost afraid the dynamic duo of Clarke and Raven would somehow manage to make her laugh, and that was the last thing she wanted to do today. Yes, Costia was full of joy and laughter, and a couple people who had spoken at the service even elicited a few appreciative laughs from the crowd, but Lexa couldn't bear too much lightheartedness today. It just wouldn't feel right.


Lexa waited one more week before returning to work and some semblance of a "normal" life and routine. It had now been just slightly more than three weeks since Costia was taken from her, and though she wasn't any less devastated, Lexa just tried to find more things to be happy about as time went on. She inherently really was a positive person - perhaps not as much as Costia had been - but Lexa knew healing couldn't come if she stayed drunk and sobbing alone in her apartment forever. So she was going to take this normal life thing one day at a time and not push herself too much. She was in survival mode right now and tried to avoid any triggers that would send her spiraling back to that dark place of a few weeks ago.


"Stop pacing, Griffin. Just looking at you makes me anxious."

"Then don't look at me, Ray."

"Well, I'm trying to study, but you're too damn distracting."

"Fine," the blonde huffed as she dropped onto the couch.

"What's got you so worked up, anyway? Seeing a tough patient today?"

Clarke chuckled. "Something like that. I wanna go see Lexa."

Raven sat up straighter in her chair. "You sure that's a good idea?"

"No," Clarke admitted. "But I just want to make sure she's okay."

"She hasn't responded to your texts. And how many have you sent in the last few weeks?"

"I know she hasn't, but she's just barely returning to work, so she's obviously needed some space from everything."

Raven raised an eyebrow. "How do you know she's returning to work? Stalker much?"

Clarke laughed and threw a pillow at her face, which Raven deftly knocked aside. "No, I'm not stalking her, idiot. I ran into her cousin at the gas station yesterday - the guy that was with her at the funeral - and he mentioned it."

"Oh, so you're stalking him now too," Raven smirked. "He's cute."

"Maybe, but you were totally with me when we saw him getting drinks with Octavia that night. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah!" Raven laughed. "Dude, we need to get that story."

Clarke gasped. "We should totally ask Jasper."

"Yes! He would know better than anyone if there was a story there," Raven agreed. "Especially since it involves his high school crush."

The girls burst into a fit of laughter and Clarke had to attempt several deep breaths before speaking again. "God, that was so long ago!" She paused thoughtfully for a moment. "Hey, do you remember Lexa at all from high school?"

Raven shook her head. "Nah, not really. Just that she was a gorgeous, star senior track runner when we were awkward freshmen."

Clarke giggled. "That pretty much covers it. We were so awkward."

"Painfully awkward. But at least we weren't as bad as Jasper and Monty."

"So true! They were the nerdiest kids in our class. But look at us now all these years later. I'd say we've all done pretty well for ourselves."

"Agreed. And speaking of awkward, what exactly do you plan to say when you see Lexa?"

Clarke rolled her eyes. "I'm just going to ignore whatever you're inferring there."

"Fine," Raven laughed. "But really, if you actually do see Lexa, what is it you're going to say to her?"

Clarke shrugged. "I don't know exactly. I just feel like I need to see her. I want her to know she isn't alone."

Raven sighed. "Well, I don't know what you think you'll be able to do that other people closer to her haven't already tried, but there's really no stopping you once you've got an idea in mind. So get out of here. Go track down our city planner."

Clarke smiled as she got up and grabbed her purse. "I think I shall. See you tonight, Ray."

"Later, Griff. And feel free to bring back some pizza on your way home!"

Clarke laughed as she headed out the door. "Only if you're lucky!"


Clarke stood at the base of the skyscraper and leaned her head way back to see the top office that was her destination. As she rode the elevator up she realized she really had no idea what she planned to say to Lexa when she saw her. She was just drawn there and felt this nagging need to know she was okay - more than she dared let on to her roommate. Clarke also realized people were probably expected to set up appointments with the busy city planner, who could only be even more swamped in work than usual in her first few days back. Clarke didn't even necessarily know if she was in the office right now.

The higher she went the more potential problems Clarke saw in her plan. But before she knew it, she heard a ding and the elevator doors opened to the hallway outside Lexa's office. She approached the main desk and was grateful to see Lincoln there discussing some paperwork with the young secretary. The last time she had seen the secretary, Clarke was storming out of Lexa's office, absolutely furious after hearing her beloved clinic was going to be demolished and there was nothing she could do about it. Clarke cleared her throat as she approached and both Lincoln and the secretary glanced up to see her.

"Ah, Ms. Griffin," Lincoln greeted with a smile. "Long time no see. What can we do for you?"

Clarke tried not to look as uncomfortable as she felt. "Well, I know I don't have an appointment, but I was wondering if I could speak with Lexa."

"Ms. Woods is not seeing anyone this week-" the secretary started to explain, but Lincoln cut her off.

"But why don't I go see what she's working on right now? She might be grateful for a change of pace."

The secretary pursed her lips and nodded curtly. It was obvious she was not used to being cut off, nor to having her direct instructions from the city planner overruled by the assistant. An incredibly awkward silence rested between them once Lincoln left, and Clarke decided she would probably only do more harm than good by trying to break it, so she settled into a slightly uncomfortable armchair and waited.

It took Lincoln about two minutes to return, but he was smiling when he did. "Okay, Clarke, Lexa will see you now."

Clarke grinned and left the lobby, avoiding any eye contact with the testy brunette behind the desk.

"It's kind of you to come, Clarke," Lincoln said with a sidelong smile as he led her down the hall. "I'm sure Lexa will be happy to see a friendly face. She is incredibly busy though, and she may be too polite to ask you to leave, so as her assistant I would ask that you don't stay too long."

From anyone else that could have sounded rude, but Lincoln was too genuinely nice to sound otherwise. "'Too polite' is probably the last term I would have used to describe Lexa the only other time I was here," Clarke said with a smirk.

Lincoln laughed. "Right? Well, she's softened a bit in the last few months, but don't you dare tell her I said that. There was a time when I swear I wouldn't have been surprised at all if she had just up and kicked someone out the window for disagreeing with her."

Clarke started to giggle, but immediately sobered up when they reached the door to Lexa's office, and suddenly her insides were churning. She had no reason to be so nervous, but that was undoubtedly how she felt. Lincoln opened the door for her and smiled as she passed him. When Clarke first walked in it took her a second to find Lexa. She had her back to her, bent over a table of blueprints she was studying. As the door closed Lexa turned to face her guest.

"Hello, Clarke."