A/N: I'll admit, that was a sucky chapter. To make it up to you guys, I give you this chapter, which gets Alexi back to Hogwarts and the next chapter as a gift.
Alexi's body ached when she woke. Moving each part of her body cautiously, she concluded that nothing was broken and that she could still feel each of those body parts. She lay there, wherever she was for a while before finally summoning enough energy to open her eyes. She was in an alleyway somewhere, but it looked oddly familiar. Then her memory came rushing back to her.
SarcasticReader: Oh I know that whenever I'm stabbed, I always lose my memory the next morning.
BrainyReader: Can you be a bit more compassionate! She has just suffered a very traumatic experience and it also provides a nice opportunity for the Author to recap what happened before.
The club, the scuffle, the fight, that blade, those eyes. She shuddered at the thought of them. Laboriously, she slowly lifted herself off the ground. She inspected her wound. Miraculously it looked as if it had stopped bleeding, but it still looked pretty bad. Like gaping hole, infected wound type bad. Looking around, she wondered how long she had been unconscious for, if her wound had healed so quickly. Then the Author remembered that, being a Slayer and all, Alexi heals very quickly. The sun had only just risen and Alexi was still sitting on the ground in that disgusting alleyway. Then she remembered, this was the same alleyway that the Portkey had sent her to. That must mean that a Portkey back to Hogwarts should be here as well. She searched for it on her hands and knees, but gave up after realising she had no idea what it was. Sitting back down, frustrated, she was suddenly overcome with a vision in her mind of an old brown leather shoe. She instinctively knew that this was the Portkey - though how, she nor the Author could not describe - and that it was in this alleyway. Convenient, huh? She searched for it and found it behind a garbage bin. Going back to the spot where she had woken up, she retrieved Bob and lifted a weary hand onto the Portkey and closed her eyes.
WorriedReader: Uh, exactly what is separating this parody fic from being a full blown Mary Sue?
PlacatingReader: Us.
Back in the Forbidden Forest, Alexi was still on the ground. She opened her eyes and breathed all of the forest-y smells in, delighting in the new sunrise and the refreshing cold dew around her. Slowly, she managed to stand up and walk a few paces. It wasn't too bad, except for the limp. Where that limp came from, no one really knows, but there you go. So Alexi managed to limp her way to Hogwarts.
ApprovingReader: I like the limp.
DisapprovingReader: Wow, those paint fumes must really be getting to you.
HouseFan: Limps are hot.
NonHouseFan: Yes, but old men aren't.
As she got to the base of Gryffindor Tower, she looked up to her window and wondered how she was going to get up to it. Then she, or that is to say, the Author, remembered her super Slayer abilities and climbed up the tower. Just like that. Like gaping wound and all. Once she got to her window, Alexi saw that her dorm mates were still sleeping. Letting out a sigh of relief, she pushed herself up to the windowsill and landed noiselessly and gracefully on the ground. She then tiptoed her way to her wardrobe to collect the clothes she'd need for the day and tiptoed just as quietly to the bathroom.
ForgetfulReader: Have we discussed the location of the bathroom in regards to the dorms?
UnforgetfulReader: Uh (checks past chapters). Yep.
After taking her shower, Alexi surveyed the damages of last night. Her body was covered in bruises, but she managed to heal those easily enough. She placed her hand over them and her Gift did the rest, emanating a bright blue light.
DisbelievingReader: LAME!
CynicalReader: Hey, at least she didn't have to speak some 'Elvish words' and at least the healing didn't take up her 'strength' so that she'd collapse gratefully into Harry's arms at some later date.
Author: (whistles) Doo, doo doo.
Looking back into the mirror, she looked almost normal, except for those bags under her eyes and the haunted look of her eyes.
SnarkyReader: Snerk! Haunted by …
CompassionateReader: A hard day's night?
Unfortunately there was nothing in her power that could fix those up except for a good night's rest. Then, tentatively she inspected her wound. It had closed up in the duration from waking up to being in the bathroom (remember, Slayer abilities!), but she knew that she was to bear the scars for the rest of her life.
FetishReader: Scars are hot.
DisgustedReader: Sadist!
She was still in a lot of pain, and something about her wound didn't feel right. She placed her hand on her stomach and let her Gift flow out. But nothing happened. She applied a bit more force into it, but started to feel woozy. Ignoring this, she finally gave it everything she had, but collapsed from the exertion of it.
-From Alexi's POV-
He's getting away, walking along and down the corridor
I follow, my feet going at the same pace, but always slipping behind
I look around this place as I walk, seeing peeled old wallpaper, so much history here
I look ahead
He's gone, nowhere
Just dark, empty, dusty space
A door is open to the side
He must've gone in there
I try and open the door
It's locked
I press my ear against the hard wood
Nothing
Just silence
StupefiedReader: What the bloody hell was that?
DisdainfulReader: That my friend, was the worst poem/dream sequence I have ever read.
DumbReader: That was a dream!
DisdainfulReader: Yes. A bad one. The poem sucks.
Author: It does not.
DisdainfulReader: Yeah, it does.
Author: (reads poem, cringes) Okay, you're right. It does suck. Hey, in my defence, I was young and angsty.
AllReaders: (shakes heads in shame)
"Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nin. Tolo dan ngalad." Came a voice from the depths.
LOTRFan: Dude! Copyright!
CynicalReader: I KNEW there was going to be some Elvish nerdily put in there!
Alexi muttered incoherently and slowly began to regain consciousness. Her head felt light and empty, but at the same time, seemed to be filled with a painful weight. She opened her eyes, but everything was still dark.
"I can't see! It's dark!" she said breathlessly in a panic. She heard some inaudible mutters, but could not make them out. She blacked out again.
Gandalf, ah, I mean, Dumbledore was sitting over Alexi, watching her and helping her healing process. At the moment he had his hand over her forehead and was muttering some words in Elvish –
CynicalReader: (collects money from the rest of the Readers) Pay up, pay up. Oh, I am making a freaking FORTUNE here!
- his eyes closed in deep concentration. Alexi began to stir and Madam Pomfrey, on the other side of Alexi looked relieved and delighted and began to do some bustling about as she always inevitably does. At this, Dumbledore looked up sharply and said "Not yet Poppy, there is still a long way to go yet". Alexi eyes opened, but they weren't her usual vibrant violet colour. They were clouded and, well, do I really need to explain what they look like? I mean, just watch Lord of the Rings okay? You, know that bit where Frodo sort of squeaks when he wakes up and his face is all pale and death like? Yeah, that was what Alexi looked at this moment. Madam Pomfrey recoiled in horror at the deathlike quality Alexi's eyes held. She bit back a sob.
CynicalReader: THIS IS A MARY SUE! I REPEAT A MARY SUE!
ComfortableReader: And yet, we are all still here.
CynicalReader: True that.
SarcasticReader: Yeah, I know I would like to be in the throes of death.
CheerfulReader: And still look GORGEOUS!
There was a subdued air between the trio as they sat in the Gryffindor Common Room. They were all sitting quietly, taking comfort in each other's company as they sat there after coming back from visiting the Hospital Wing. They had been told, by Professor Dumbledore himself of what had happened to Alexi at the end of their first lesson. There was a silent agreement between the three to keep this news about Alexi to themselves, and so far it had worked perfectly. In comparison to the three, the rest of the Common Room seemed loud and ear jarring.
CynicalReader: Er, are we forgetting that they're at school? Not to mention boarding school? News, any news, spreads faster there than e-coli in a daycare centre.
GrossedOutReader: Do I even need to say it? Okay then. Ew.
NitpickyReader: Er, how did Alexi get from bathroom to Hospital Wing?
AllReaders: …
SmartAlecReader: Plot. Hole.
"It's all my fault" Harry mumbled, looking up at the two.
"Oh Harry, you know it isn't' replied Hermione comfortingly.
UnsympatheticReader: Except we all know that it is. In Rule #42 of "The Vindication of the Rights of Mary Sue" – the Sue can only be impelled to act upon the actions of others without any regard to her own, limited, character and personalty.
"How could it possibly be your fault?" Hermione said softly, her eyes still red. Harry didn't answer, but he knew in his heart that he had caused this. That it was him that drove her to do, whatever she did. The anger that he had felt after finding out that she was a follower of him, had long since dissipated when he heard the news and his heart was wracked with pity when he saw her cold, pale form.
ReaderWhoThinksThatEverythingIsHot Pity is hot.
"Where are you going mate?" asked Ron as Harry made to get up. He mumbled something about going to bed and made his way upstairs. There was no way he was going to get any sleep that night.
InnocentReader: I don't get it, why is DirtyReader sniggering?
RealityReader: That was not a funny chapter. At all.
CynicalReader: Like I said. THIS IS A MARY SUE! NOT A PARODY OF ONE! STOP – (CynicalReader abruptly stops as the Author uses her Super Author Powers and shuts her the hell up before she reveals that the Author secretly wants to be Alexi, super powers and all)
Author: Oh crap.
FYI, the Author's house is being renovated at time of writing, so she is constantly being surrounded by paint fumes. Mmm … fumes.
Thank you so much for the constructive criticisms. Keep them coming! I don't mind them! My job is to make you laugh. It doesn't matter if it is either at me or with me.
Sarah – Thank you for the review and keep reading!
Moona Peruna – Oh gosh, I really do hope that you are still reading. I do have a very Mary Sue type ending, it's just how I get there that will test my (quickly vanishing) parodying abilities. Have faith.
Anyadelacour – Eee! Alexi is back at Hogwarts now! Sorry, but there was a few more LOTR references in this chapter, but I can promise you that this will (practically) be the last you see of them.
theLostLyrics – Thank you for your continued read-age. You rocketh!
Banana-hater - Okay, the vampire stuff is over. I promise. Thanks for your kind review!
